New here [my story may be a little different than most]

[jennifernyc84]

My counselor said something similar. She said it was a part of me not wanting to "grow up", or fearing change. Holding onto a part of my childhood.

 

Idk, not sure that's how I feel.

[HeCantBreakMe]

If you keep walking Jah you will eventually not feel bad anymore. That happened to me within the first few weeks- I felt like i owed xMM an apology for the way things ended... Maybe I did maybe I didn't but it was eating me up- don't let it because it truly is your mind playing tricks on you- the bargaining stage- telling you anything to get you to go get that drug fix again.

 

keep walking.

[jah526]

I admit I unblocked him on FB because he's been isolating himself at work, not talking to anyone, not doing his usual things. He updated his profile pic with the sad, contemplative-looking one he posted the last time I tried NC. Could be unrelated to this, I don't know. Even before the last contact we had I knew he'd been feeling down and he said he was having financial problems.

 

Is this just more manipulation to elicit sympathy? Is he really hurting? I know I shouldn't care, especially since he's never once apologized to me or been worried about how all this has affected me.

 

Anyway, I've reblocked him. I still feel like a jerk but overall I think my own physical and mental health are improving. My counselor said to let him deal with his own problems, and, she says, he has a lot.

[FoundMyStrength]

If you keep walking Jah you will eventually not feel bad anymore. That happened to me within the first few weeks- I felt like i owed xMM an apology for the way things ended... Maybe I did maybe I didn't but it was eating me up- don't let it because it truly is your mind playing tricks on you- the bargaining stage- telling you anything to get you to go get that drug fix again.

 

keep walking.

 

Keep staying strong, Jah. It's natural to feel sorry for him, but try to resist acting on it. There will always be something that tries to draw you back in. For me, the last month has included an emergency situation where he lives, a personal loss in his life, the date we were supposed to resume contact after taking a "break", and his birthday. I wanted to reach out every single time. It feels like I'm being heartless. Cruel. Not a good friend.

 

In staying away, all you're really doing is saying that your pain and feelings matter too. It can feel selfish, but it's simple self-preservation. He's not going to look out for you, so you need to do it. NC is the way.

Edited January 30, 2017 by FoundMyStrength

[jah526]

So my counselor fired me. Too many long-standing problems. (She did give me a list of CBT counselors though that she thinks might be helpful. Her focus was not CBT.) Actually this was a trigger for me. Whenever I'm feeling bad I want to get my fix. I didn't run to him but I did unblock and I was dead wrong about him being upset. From his FB posts he's having a grand ol' time. Sucks that I am the only one apparently who knows what a scumbag he is. I can only imagine what he's telling the people in the office about me.

[Poppy47]

Either that or just really good at compartmentalization. I have no idea how an 8 year affair cannot do something to your psych. Do you think those that never had a D-day suffer any sort of remorse or guilt?

 

An year A just about wiped me out emotionally. I will never know the consequences on xMM's psyche.

 

He said he never felt remorse or guilt. It was almost as if he got a satisfaction from cheating on his wife.

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

So my counselor fired me. Too many long-standing problems. (She did give me a list of CBT counselors though that she thinks might be helpful. Her focus was not CBT.) Actually this was a trigger for me. Whenever I'm feeling bad I want to get my fix. I didn't run to him but I did unblock and I was dead wrong about him being upset. From his FB posts he's having a grand ol' time. Sucks that I am the only one apparently who knows what a scumbag he is. I can only imagine what he's telling the people in the office about me.

 

I hope you find a therapist who specializes in CBT that you can connect with and help you.

 

You're focusing way too much on him rather than on yourself. Make yourself NOT care what is going on in his life. If he is happy or sad, not your problem.

 

Every single time you unblock him and snoop on fb, you only hurt yourself!

 

He isn't missing you at all, he's moved on. Get mad, get fed up and give him the middle finger so you can finally let go and grieve so you can heal.

 

You have no control over what he does or says. Learn to care less what others think. What counts is you!

[jennifernyc84]

Hope you're feeling better and sorry about what happened with your therapist. I guess she wasn't clicking with you. It's ok. There are plenty more.

 

I understand the unblocking him part. I really do. Why do we keep causing ourselves this same anger and pain? You'd think we'd learn our lesson by now.

 

Who the heck cares about what he's telling the people at work about you? If anything, he's the one that will look dumb being a married man giving another woman so much thought! I think you bowed out gracefully and that's killing him. You're feeling sorry for hurting him? Puh-lease!!! Are you kidding me? What about how he hurt you? Don't let him play the victim card here. We are all responsible for our own actions. Including you and I. Don't feel bad for ignoring him.

 

Be strong. I'm trying to be.

[jah526]

Hope you're feeling better and sorry about what happened with your therapist. I guess she wasn't clicking with you. It's ok. There are plenty more.

 

I understand the unblocking him part. I really do. Why do we keep causing ourselves this same anger and pain? You'd think we'd learn our lesson by now.

 

Who the heck cares about what he's telling the people at work about you? If anything, he's the one that will look dumb being a married man giving another woman so much thought! I think you bowed out gracefully and that's killing him. You're feeling sorry for hurting him? Puh-lease!!! Are you kidding me? What about how he hurt you? Don't let him play the victim card here. We are all responsible for our own actions. Including you and I. Don't feel bad for ignoring him.

 

Be strong. I'm trying to be.

 

I don't know if ghosting him is graceful but if anything is killing him it's the loss of control. He is a very controlling person in many ways, and he loved it that he could text me an order and, like an obedient dog, I would do it. Sick, right? But also easy to sit back and let someone else make the decisions. Somehow, somehow he knew this about me.

 

Usually I come here when I'm feeling weak and obsessive but lately I've been having a new feeling - gratitude. It's the most incredible thing. It is still so hard for me to believe someone could be as evil as this guy is, but lately I've been surrounded by so much love and care from others - from this forum to my family and friends - that I know, know in my heart, that most people are good, decent people.

 

Last night I read an article that said that when you give up inappropriate relationships you allow for appropriate ones and for real love to come into your life. I'm trying to be mindful of the way people treat me now (if nothing else, he has taught me to be a little more wary), and have been surprised by the goodness of most people. Probably I was so caught up in his poor treatment of me that it was blocking any good feeling from other directions.

 

I've been trying to keep HeCantBreakMe's advice in mind to keep walking. It reminds me of that saying... if you are going through hell, keep going.

[cloche]

Chin up, fellow INFP. We're here rooting for you.

 

Can you tell us a little bit more about how the ending with your therapist went down? What did you mean by "Too many long-standing problems."? From the way you phrased things - "fired" - something sounds, well, ..., not quite right. As though the therapist is not behaving completely professionally...

[jah526]

Chin up, fellow INFP. We're here rooting for you.

 

Can you tell us a little bit more about how the ending with your therapist went down? What did you mean by "Too many long-standing problems."? From the way you phrased things - "fired" - something sounds, well, ..., not quite right. As though the therapist is not behaving completely professionally...

 

Thanks cloche, INFP friend.

 

Her policy was to have a few meetings and decide whether it was a good fit. And honestly, I am glad that she was honest with me. Several counselors have given me a diagnosis of dysthymia. I believe it's inherited and it's not ever going to be "cured". But I manage, most of the time. Sometimes I think I don't fit into American society very well, and would do much better in a different country, Americans not being too keen on introverts and all. LOL.

 

Saying I was "fired" was a bit tongue-in-cheek. I tend towards self-deprecating humor anyway. I'll consider going to one of the counselors on the list she gave me, but honestly, I've never really found counseling to be very beneficial. CBT may be different because it seems like it can help you learn some skills which may be lacking, so I may consider it.

 

For now, I'm laying low, concentrating on my health and my work. Calling people I'm close to when I need support or coming on here. Today marks 1 month of NC. There are still times when I miss his company like crazy. But then I try to remind myself of his extreme selfishness and callousness towards me, the things he said and did the last time we were together. And I know I can't go back.

 

It's funny though, what's preventing me from going back more than anything else came from something he said to me - "you keep coming back so you must want it." Kinda says it all doesn't it?

[Fruitee]

First of all sorry that all of this happened to you. Second of all I am proud of you ending it and seeking help. It is not easy to leave mentally and physically abusive relationship. This dude is bad news in so many levels and he will never ever change. Only way for you to get rid of his is to 100 % block him, never ever talk to him. If you must for work. Keep it totally professional. He do not want to be your friends. He wants to keep you around, just in case. If he comes to you or tries to contact you you will tell him you will contact the police. He raped you. So he will keep away unless he wants trouble. Guys like him are afraid of police. So mentioning police every single time will do the trick. If you keep with him you will end up lonely and broke and unhappy. He will lay his hands on you and keep sleeping around.

 

You are right that being with this guy you are filling something in your life. Also by being with this guy you will never find new love. So stay strong. Eat well. Sleep. Go to therapy. Read. Write. Exercise. Travel. Do some shopping. Get a hobby. Stay away from men for an year at least.

 

That day when you feel energetic because you have slept through night and find yourself cooking and running with smile on your face you will be so glad you dumbed his sorry ass. And some wonderful man will walk into your life and love you as you are ment to be loved.