He just doesn't love me enough?

[FreyaH]

Hello everyone,

 

I could really do with some advice. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, for a few months towards the end he was stressed at work, I couldn't do anything right and he said that he needed some space. So I gave him some space but he still kept in touch everyday, telling me that he loved and missed me. He would call to see how I was or ask my advice like always. We had such a great connection and I'm still very much in love with him.

 

I found out 2 months ago that he has started a new relationship. I was of course devastated but I still kept in touch with him. He has told me she is lovely and that she loves him already, but he doesn't feel the same. He told me he still loves and misses me, but is afraid to try again because of how badly things ended. He also doesn't want to hurt his new girlfriend, and lose her if we don't work out. We see each other and go for walks and talk like we used to. He has given me hugs and I can see it in his eyes he still loves me.

 

Will he ever leave his current girlfriend and just try again? I just don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart and want more than ever to try again. I'm guessing he just doesn't love me enough or he would be with me right?

[reckoner]

Will he ever leave his current girlfriend and just try again? I just don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart and want more than ever to try again. I'm guessing he just doesn't love me enough or he would be with me right?

 

Heya!

 

If he leaves her, would you be able to trust him? He could do the same to you... Playing both sides of the fence. If he's sure about you he would have gone for it.

 

Trying not to be harsh, but from what you wrote he seems like a fairly selfish person. IMO being in doubt about a relationship, yet staying with that person while having contact with your ex is just nasty.

[Kelley]

I'm a great believer if someone loves you they will be with you. I think you need to move on he isn't leaving this girl because there is more to it than what he is telling you. I believe he values your friendship and that's why he is contacting and seeing you but his heart is elsewhere. You are no ones option if he can't make his mind up it's because he doesn't want to be with you. If a guy wants to be with you nothing will stand in his way, as he won't want to run the risk of losing you forever. I would go NC and heal, you deserve way better.

[BluesPower]

No what actually happened is this, he was cheating on you with the new girl. Then, he told you he needed space, but he did not tell you why because he wanted you on the back burner so he could come back to you if the new girl did not work out.

 

Bottom line is that he is a creep and you should not want him back.

 

You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on with someone that actually love you and you alone.

 

You need to stop seeing him all together unless you want to be his side piece. Of course now you are cheating with him because he has a girl friend.

 

You need to go No Contact and find another man.

[anika99]

Yep, he deliberately misled you so that he could start something with the new girlfriend. The reason it seemed like you couldn't do anything right towards the end was because he was already interested in someone else so he was focusing on your flaws (or even outright fabricating them) to justify his pursuit of the new girl.

 

Now he's keeping you around as his backup plan. He wants to be with the new girl but as its new he doesn't know if she will keep him around or not. He likes knowing that if she dumps him he can always run back to you. In his mind she is the first prize and you are the consolation prize. I know that sounds really harsh and I'm sorry but it's best to see things for what they really are. He is selfish and dishonest and you deserve better than that. Stop demeaning yourself by continuing to hang onto him. See yourself as being too good to accept second place and move on.

[Satu]

No what actually happened is this, he was cheating on you with the new girl. Then, he told you he needed space, but he did not tell you why because he wanted you on the back burner so he could come back to you if the new girl did not work out.

 

Bottom line is that he is a creep and you should not want him back.

 

You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on with someone that actually love you and you alone.

 

You need to stop seeing him all together unless you want to be his side piece. Of course now you are cheating with him because he has a girl friend.

 

You need to go No Contact and find another man.

 

Yep, he deliberately misled you so that he could start something with the new girlfriend. The reason it seemed like you couldn't do anything right towards the end was because he was already interested in someone else so he was focusing on your flaws (or even outright fabricating them) to justify his pursuit of the new girl.

 

Now he's keeping you around as his backup plan. He wants to be with the new girl but as its new he doesn't know if she will keep him around or not. He likes knowing that if she dumps him he can always run back to you. In his mind she is the first prize and you are the consolation prize. I know that sounds really harsh and I'm sorry but it's best to see things for what they really are. He is selfish and dishonest and you deserve better than that. Stop demeaning yourself by continuing to hang onto him. See yourself as being too good to accept second place and move on.

 

 

Reposted as truth.

 

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

He's lying. If he was truly in love with you he wouldn't be with her he'd be with you. He certainly didn't have a problem telling you he needed space and then pursued her. If he wanted you he would tell her the same thing and come back to you. Move on.

[Kelley]

I really hope you take on board the posts here you deserve so much better. Cut him off and heal don't let him disrespect you for one more second! He is a scumbag and a user!

[gorf]

.....and that she loves him already, but he doesn't feel the same.

 

He told me he still loves and misses me

 

We see each other and go for walks and talk like we used to.

 

He has given me hugs and I can see it in his eyes he still loves me.

 

She expressed her feelings for him, and he feels that way too... only, toward you. He is already cheating on her given the circumstances: not being over you and not cutting all contact with you and spending time with you and telling you his love for you etc.... while with her.

 

What makes you think you can trust a guy like that. What exactly would keep him from doing it to you? He has already shown his standards to you in action. Be wise here and put your feelings aside, remember why you broke up to begin with, then add this all in

[FreyaH]

Thank you all I'm just finding it really difficult to let go. I keep thinking he will leave her but deep down I know he won't. His text messages are already less frequent I think he is leaving me behind now. He replies if I message him straight away but he no longer initiates contact. I feel used to be honest yet I still message him it's just totally crazy!

[BluesPower]

Yes honey, it is a little crazy.

 

I don't know why you want him back, but you will never get him back by chasing him, never.

 

The only way of ever getting him back, and I cannot believe that I am telling you this, is to move on and find someone new to date. Get yourself stronger and let him see how happy you are and he might, I repeat might, come chasing after you.

 

Hopefully by that time you will have a great new BF and you won't want him.

 

We can only hope...

[DarrenB]

Thank you all I'm just finding it really difficult to let go. I keep thinking he will leave her but deep down I know he won't. His text messages are already less frequent I think he is leaving me behind now. He replies if I message him straight away but he no longer initiates contact. I feel used to be honest yet I still message him it's just totally crazy!

 

Don't worry, breakups have and always will be difficult. No doubt about that.

 

You need to implement in your mind a completely new process of thinking, or coping. Having this, half-hearted hope will not benefit you. It's going to drag you down... you do not want to go there.

 

Process of acceptance is a hard, destroying process. But when you begin to realise 'Hey, he's actually doing it. He's moving on from me', you will feel hurt, you will feel a huge loss and huge void but after a period of time, you will start to repair and feel a lot more inclined to thinking about him less and start to cope extremely well.

 

I think in a lot of relationship, minus the immense issues that can occur in them, there is a certain probability that they could return and want to reconcile in time. Whether that be a month, 5 months, a year and so forth. It's a nice feeling to think of at the time, but the more you think about it the more you will immerse yourself in this mindset that they're going to return when they probably will not ever contact you again.

 

It's hard. Accepting a breakup with a lover is hard. Giving them everything for them to throw it away is hard. For them to move on so quickly and discard you like you meant nothing is traumatic. But you will surpass this. All of us in similar situations will. It'll be a long, hard journey but it will be worth it in the end. Keep focus, stay in No Contact, remove him from your life like he has done you. Love yourself.

Edited November 14, 2016 by DarrenB

[niji]

He doesn't love you, or her.

 

I always had this mindset growing up, but over the years it's become firmer through heartbreaks and such. I'm your only option, or I'm not an option.

 

You could either say no and be absolutely miserably heartbroken now but still holding your head high, or you can choose to be heartbroken later, plus suffering the humiliation of being a choice.

 

He's made his choice; when will you?