A question for current OWs.

[sandylee1]

For those who are currently the OW, if your MM left his wife to be with you and pretty much cut contact with his children, wasn't active in their lives how would you feel?

 

Would he still be a man you wanted to be with?

 

Would you encourage him to see his children?

 

I ask because there are a number of BWs trying to get their Ex to see the kids and these men don't want to know.

I just wonder how that would sit comfortably with you. The one that actually prompted me to ask this, was the Ex who told his BW, that texting him about the kids all the time was stopping him from moving on with his life.

 

This guy didn't even confess he had an OW, but a week after he left home, he had pictures of him and the OW on social media and that's how the kids found out.

 

These aren't cases where he's not allowed to see the kids or the Ex is being difficult. I just mean he no longer can be bothered with them.

 

Thanks

[eye of the storm]

Sandylee, that is a tough one. Personally I would say any guy that willingly walks away from his kids is not someone I could respect.

 

But, we all know the lies we OWs are willing to tell ourselves to say in these relationships. We reason away things, we ignore, we compartmentalize and we outright lie to ourselves.

 

And also some OWs are heartless creatures and others are just someone that fell in love with the wrong guy. Heartless OW is just happy the MM is focused on them, OW in love with the wrong guy would probably encourage him to reengage with his children.

[Redhead14]

For those who are currently the OW, if your MM left his wife to be with you and pretty much cut contact with his children, wasn't active in their lives how would you feel?

 

Would he still be a man you wanted to be with?

 

Would you encourage him to see his children?

 

I ask because there are a number of BWs trying to get their Ex to see the kids and these men don't want to know.

I just wonder how that would sit comfortably with you. The one that actually prompted me to ask this, was the Ex who told his BW, that texting him about the kids all the time was stopping him from moving on with his life.

 

This guy didn't even confess he had an OW, but a week after he left home, he had pictures of him and the OW on social media and that's how the kids found out.

 

These aren't cases where he's not allowed to see the kids or the Ex is being difficult. I just mean he no longer can be bothered with them.

 

Thanks

 

Any man who can cut his children out of his life has a serious emotional deficit. That is a huge indicator that he is completely and totally self-centered beyond the deficit already displayed by cheating on his family. A cheater doesn't just cheat on a spouse, they are cheating their entire family. That tells me that his ability to bond with people is very weak at best. It's not just that he and his wife have problems, it shows he was not very well bonded to the entire family. Look at his other relationships -- parents, siblings, friends, etc. as well. If there are difficulties there as well, there's a problem and he's the common denominator.

 

I would observe very closely how a man exits a marriage, especially one that includes children.

[sandylee1]

Thanks ladies.

 

I just find it heartbreaking that these fathers walk away from their children like this. What's worse is when they go on to have a child with the OW and totally ignore their older child.

 

I had a BW who said she happened to see her daughter's diary and she'd written how her dad loved his new baby and didn't love her anymore. He's seen her 3 times in the last 12 months.

 

Her mum was in pieces and wanted to copy and show to her dad, but didn't want to break the confidence and be outed for snooping.

 

I just think that's a sign of what will happen when if that relationship ends. He'll abandon another child.

 

I'm struggling to tell these mums that their children are better off without dads like that, because the kids love them so much. But it's just awful.

 

It's no wonder these kids grow up with abandonment issues and go on to be in unhealthy relationships.

[Gloria25]

Not a current OW, but not sure if you've checked my posts here - but, I'm a strong advocate of a guy putting his kids over women he's seeing, regardless if he's single, married, divorced...in other words, I have no problem with being the "Hamburgers on the weekend girl" so that he makes time for his kids.

 

I recently posted about a previous married neighbor in at a place I lived a while back - who had like 3 - 4 kids and was trying to hit on me. The thought of him trying to diss his kids (and I wasn't even interested/attracted in/to him on top of that) made me so disgusted.

 

There's this woman I overheard the other day. She's like this guy's 2nd wife. And they have no kids - but he has kids in a different state. She has no shame in telling any/everyone that she just wants him/her to spend time together and not with the kids. She's a foul creature. I can't stand her for that and other reasons...she literally is a terrible person. She's a gossip, troublemaker, etc. So, making a father of kids diss his kids for her is right up her alley.

 

Regardless of a guy's status (married, single, divorced, etc.), I couldn't date and/or have a thing to do with a guy who is not involved with his kids and/or tries to abandon them and start anew - as if they never existed.

 

Trust me, I know of men and women who just try to diss past kids and start anew as if the kids never existed. Horrible people. Horrible people.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[Got it]

Putting my husband's kids first has always been a top priority for me. It would have been a major issue, and a deal breaker, if he did not seek to have a relationship with his children.

 

I greatly enjoy his kids and watching them grow up is amazing. Seeing them interact with their new sister brings a tear to my eye, especially the one son who just loves playing with his baby sister. He is in college and he will still make time to not only come over to see everyone but to spend time playing with her. He loves animals, kids, and is very sweet and funny. Now that is a guy who is going to make some women extremely happy. (Unfortunately I am mad at the little twit that he has been dating from high school that just did the fade out to break up with him. )

[seren]

My Ex H and I split up when my son was just 3, there was no OW involved, I left as we had very different parenting styles and I didn't want our son brought up with his ways and he wasn't going to change. He waited 6 months before coming to see his son, by this time he had met someone else with an 8 yr old daughter. The first time he came, the daughter clung onto him and my son didn't understand what was going on, I had no idea they were coming. Over the next year I met my now H, we were careful to not say anything negative about my ex in front of my son and had to make excuses for his absence.

 

One time that sticks out in my mind was my son sat on the rug with his coat and hat on, a little case next to him waiting for his father to take him for the weekend to spend time with the new girlfriend and her daughter, as time went on it was obvious he wasn't going to show. I rang the girlfriend's house and was told that ex was in bed, he was tired and wasn't coming. They lived 4 hours away, I asked her to put him on and he said he wasn't coming. I looked at my son and thought, how can I tell him he isn't meeting his father? Ex told me he had been to step parent classes, my response being, he needed to go to parenting classes first. I told my by that his father had been called into work and was really sad he couldn't make it. Nothing I did that weekend could make him smile and I vowed that I wouldn't let ex hurt him ever again.

 

Over the next few years contact was sporadic, I would ring and ask him to say he had rung to speak to my boy. The last straw was a telephone call he made form Heathrow telling my boy he was off to the States, when asked how long, he said for good. Fast forward 10 yrs and he went to his father's parents house, they rarely saw him, he saw a photograph of his father with a young boy and found out he had a half brother, he didn't know what to make of it all and had some issues around this.

 

He would post things online where he said he had 2 children, his son and his step daughter, no mention of my lovely boy. My son read this and just about broke his heart asking himself what he had done? By now he looked to my H as his father, and a damned fine Dad he is too. We always wanted him to have a relationship with his birth father and grandparents, but they just cut him out. His now wife, is lovely, a very sweet, gentle person, not at all like me. I don't and never have understood how she could have enabled my ex to behave this way to my boy, who did nothing other than be born, He was very wanted, but seems out of sight and all that.

 

Almost 20 yrs since he saw his son my ex was in London on a family holiday, my son is a policeman there in the Met. He rang to say his cousin had told him they were in London and did he want to meet. He rang me and despite him being a super brave, macho policeman, he sounded like a small boy as he said he was nervous of meeting his father, that he didn't know what to do. I said he should meet him, that he should go with an open mind and that he would get to meet his brother and how great was that? really I was so bloody angry that ex hadn't asked to meet him, himself, that he had left it so, so long.

 

They met, ex tried saying I had made it difficult and I have searched my conscience to see if there was any substance in this, but there isn't, honestly. he tried telling my son he shouldn't smoke, my son told him he had lost the right to give him guidance, that he needed a father all those years ago, that he now had one and that he and his Dad loved each other and that his Dad would go through fire for him. I asked if ex had apologised, my son said no and broke down and asked why? My lovely, brave boy who had faced riots, people with guns and knives was in tears because his father couldn't be bothered. How any woman could stand by and see a child ignored for their own agenda makes no sense to me. When my H had an A, if there had been a child I would have welcomed that child with open arms. No child should get to feel rejection. Ever.

 

I sat my son down and told him some truth's, I wish I had been more honest over the years and let him know that it was never to do with him, it was all to do with my ex, his wife and his wanting to rub out the past and begin again. I never say I hate a person, but my ex, for his treatment of my son, I hate, with everything I have. he has lost out on the most wonderful brave, kind, beautiful young man that my son is. Thank God for my H who is a wonderful father and Dad.

 

I would urge anyone who is in a relationship where there are children involved, put your feelings aside, do what is best for the child, keep your thoughts to yourself and never see a child as a threat, they are just little people trying to make sense of things. Sorry for the rant and off topic, but this really touched a nerve with me today. x

[l8estnews]

Oh Seren! Your boy's story broke my heart!! I hope he finds that strength and continues to get love from you and your husband.... praying for your son!

[sandylee1]

Oh Seren, that's just heartbreaking. No need to apologise at all. I'm so sorry your son was let down so badly like that.

 

I think these men lie to the OW sometimes and lie to themselves, that access is being denied. But I have come across some women who are okay with fathers doing this.

 

It's the poor kids who suffer.

 

The lady who's daughter wrote in her diary, said she rather wished her the Ex was dead, at least then she'd know what to say to her daughter. Now she's resorted to trying to go through his parents to get him to see his daughter.

 

I don't know how these fathers and the women with them sleep at night. If only they knew the damage they were causing to the innocent children.

[Gloria25]

Oh Seren! Your boy's story broke my heart!! I hope he finds that strength and continues to get love from you and your husband.... praying for your son!

 

Yes, and Seren's ex is a jerk-off.

 

What I don't get about people who abandon/diss their own flesh and blood, is when they date and/or re-marry someone who also has kids and/or makes more kids with them. So, you diss/abandon your kid only to take on some stranger's kid and have more kids? What sense does that make?

 

I worked with a lady who's son left his wife and three kids to marry a woman who has three kids. Go figure.

[Gloria25]

Oh Seren, that's just heartbreaking. No need to apologise at all. I'm so sorry your son was let down so badly like that.

 

I think these men lie to the OW sometimes and lie to themselves, that access is being denied. But I have come across some women who are okay with fathers doing this.

 

It's the poor kids who suffer.

 

The lady who's daughter wrote in her diary, said she rather wished her the Ex was dead, at least then she'd know what to say to her daughter. Now she's resorted to trying to go through his parents to get him to see his daughter.

 

I don't know how these fathers and the women with them sleep at night. If only they knew the damage they were causing to the innocent children.

 

No, unfortunately people think kids are like adults - that they can handle their parents breaking up and moving on as if it was so casual like changing underwear.

 

Divorce is devastating to children - even in situations where abuse was taking place. All kids wanna see is their two parents together. Kids need that security, their "nest".

 

I was listening to this radio personality douche nozzle last week. Years ago when I had no choice to listen to their radio program I smelled he and his wifey weren't gonna make it cuz they were both egotistical douches. Wifey, with two kids, wanted to try out for Dallas Cheerleaders - which would take her away from the kids/husband - as if she was a childless 20something. Everyone thought it was so inspiring for her to pursue her "dreams"...so, in other words, to heck with her husband and kids.

 

Anywho, fast forward to last week. It was his visitation for the kids and he was worried that his townhome he just moved into didn't have the room set up like he wanted for the kids - full of toys and games and etc. He was literally amazed/astounded how the kids didn't care, that all they did is wanna spend time with their dad. They were busy telling their friends about how they were gonna be with their dad, bla bla. So, I was amazed that this over 40 yr old douche nozzle who created two kids about a decade ago, was clueless as to what children need. Children WANT THEIR PARENTS. They don't care how much you make on your job. They don't care if you have a job. They just want you to be there for them....So, it boggles my mind how some people can just diss/abandon their kids and think the kids aren't gonna miss them. Yes, in situations with alcohol, drugs, abuse - yes, it is better to keep the kids away from the parent. But, in other situations, just please, please, think of the children before you divorce, conceive them, and/or separate. Kids take it harder and often even cling more on the parents out of fear of losing more.

 

People now a days who unfortunately can produce children are so self-absorbed and it just sickens me. They just have kids with whomever, marry whomever, and divorce, separate, date and drag the kids around like luggage who have no needs, emotions, etc about the whole chaos.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[seren]

Gloria, you summed it up perfectly. In my parent's day, people stayed together because of children, some marriages would have been better if they hadn't, but they did and they didn't let their children see what was going on, even though at times it was impossible. I see a lot of people hanging onto their glory days by the skin of their teeth and to hell who gets hurt. I view being a parent as the greatest gift, even during the difficult times, to help nurture a little person to adulthood is the most responsible job, ever.

 

I hate to read of the future faking in A's when the WS speaks of how they and the AP are going to blend children or the AP be the parent. Far better if they looked at doing things properly, if a marriage has to end, work together to do the right thing for the child or children, put the A on hold until the marriage is ended as best as it can be, then slowly introduce the AP, then begin to build bridges. Not this was then, this is now.

 

My ex's now wife is a supposed born again Christian, her FB page is full of peace, light and crystals, she seems a very nice woman, BUT, where was all this when my son needed understanding, needed his father? My H has been brilliant, he and my son get along so very well, they like, love and respect each other, but, my son still feels and wonders why when he lets his guard down and talks about his father. If a grown man struggles to make sense of what in effect makes no sense, how can a small child? Children see things so black and white, rejection is a case of, my parent loves me or not, if they don't, what have I done wrong? what is wrong with me? It is a huge, huge burden no one, let alone a child, should drag behind them.

 

I hear of parents who share things with their child that they shouldn't or who do things in front of that child that they shouldn't and think, this is your child, not your friend, you are their parent, your job is to provide a positive role model and to love, before yourself, before your own needs. I fear there is a whole generation of self entitlement as people kid themselves they are 21 and have no responsibility. My son is 32 now, I am still his parent, I am still his go to person and still retain the right to tell him off if he has done something wrong. It makes him feel secure, it makes him feel loved and I am proud that we have this relationship.

 

IDK what I am trying to say, but suppose it is this, your child's needs come before your own, if your marriage is unhappy, then make the right plans to either fix it or end it, then slowly introduce a new person. For the new person, you aren't their parent, never will be, but you can develop a loving relationship and work with the ex. A child isn't competition, they should be seen as part and parcel of a relationship, good times and bad times. If a child is a threat then there it isn't a very good relationship. Value the person who puts their child first, it says more about them than the person who can walk away, knowingly hurt and cause damage or put's their own needs first.

[minimariah]

I just find it heartbreaking that these fathers walk away from their children like this.

 

my stepmother was in that situation - she had a son from her 1st marriage (my stepbrother) and at the time... the husband was SUPER involved. he was the greatest father ever during the marriage! when they divorced, their son was a teenager and the dad just... bailed out of their life. slowly but surely. to make matters even worse - he remarried & became a fantastic dad to his stepchildren + had a new baby... all while showing 0 interest in his firstborn. and it literally happened over night, too. it is a HUGE trauma, for sure - my stepbrother has been in counseling his entire life trying to overcome it.

[waterwoman]

Heartbreaking! My children are the most precious things in the world to me - if H had ghosted them or made them feel second-best I would not have been responsible for my actions!

[l8estnews]

UGH!!! Stories like this affects me so much. How people like these can walk this earth, I'll never know....

[l8estnews]

my stepmother was in that situation - she had a son from her 1st marriage (my stepbrother) and at the time... the husband was SUPER involved. he was the greatest father ever during the marriage! when they divorced, their son was a teenager and the dad just... bailed out of their life. slowly but surely. to make matters even worse - he remarried & became a fantastic dad to his stepchildren + had a new baby... all while showing 0 interest in his firstborn. and it literally happened over night, too. it is a HUGE trauma, for sure - my stepbrother has been in counseling his entire life trying to overcome it.

 

I can't get over your story, Minimariah as this has been in my mind for the whole day. How's your stepbrother? Is he happy now? Did your father shower him the love he lacked?

 

I need to know he is okay. Ugh!! I have reflected about this and I really can't find it in my heart to reconcile the idea that a father can be a fantastic one to other kids but not on his own. I mean, how???? Are these even human beings at all?!

[sandylee1]

my stepmother was in that situation - she had a son from her 1st marriage (my stepbrother) and at the time... the husband was SUPER involved. he was the greatest father ever during the marriage! when they divorced, their son was a teenager and the dad just... bailed out of their life. slowly but surely. to make matters even worse - he remarried & became a fantastic dad to his stepchildren + had a new baby... all while showing 0 interest in his firstborn. and it literally happened over night, too. it is a HUGE trauma, for sure - my stepbrother has been in counseling his entire life trying to overcome it.

 

How awful for your stepbrother.

 

The sad thing is that the effects of the abandonment are long lasting if not forever.

 

I remember one of the school mums I was friendly with saying the same thing. That her Ex remarried and was great with his new child. Would take him swimming and spend time with him, yet her daughter was cast aside and she just couldn't understand why.

[elaine567]

I can't get over your story, Minimariah as this has been in my mind for the whole day. How's your stepbrother? Is he happy now? Did your father shower him the love he lacked?

 

I need to know he is okay. Ugh!! I have reflected about this and I really can't find it in my heart to reconcile the idea that a father can be a fantastic one to other kids but not on his own. I mean, how???? Are these even human beings at all?!

 

It is compartmentalizing and it is also conflict avoidance I guess too. Either they want to stay away from the ex and all the "hassle", or the new woman "demands" he give his all to the new family and that excludes the old one.

I also think many men are not that into the kids, so once the relationship ends the kids are basically "forgotten", he just moves on to the next lot.

I think some men also do not see themselves as worth while father material, so when the marriage ends, he leaves the kids in what he sees as the very capable hands of the mother and he bows out.

Some men see kids as "the woman's job" so he leaves her to it when the marriage ends.

Some men also see kids as a "burden", they do not see any space in their life to devote to kids, they work long hours, they work away, they want their leisure time to themselves, they want to date.. etc. etc.

[freengreen]

He loves his kids to bits ( well, different with his wife). He said so. I love my family to bits. He knows. I would never want to break a family, I will never be able to live with that.

 

I slipped into an EA for some laughs and affection. I should have worked with my husband for those, like I did for last 11 yrs. Somehow this time the bad phase was too bad, this OM was easy, he already was willing to give me that attention without any work!.. I regret now, my act to reach out to him. Leaving the OM to his own life whatever it is.

 

I never wanted any love or relation ( its not about A but in general) at costs of other people especially ones who are innocent. No thankyou.

Edited November 16, 2016 by freengreen

[sandylee1]

 

 

I think some men also do not see themselves as worth while father material, so when the marriage ends, he leaves the kids in what he sees as the very capable hands of the mother and he bows out.

Some men see kids as "the woman's job" so he leaves her to it when the marriage ends.

Some men also see kids as a "burden", they do not see any space in their life to devote to kids, they work long hours, they work away, they want their leisure time to themselves, they want to date.. etc. etc.

 

I agree with this.

 

In fact when some MM say that they don't want to leave their wife, the truth is they don't want joint custody which would actually mean them doing some childcare.

 

They would struggle with everything the mum does and rather just have some outside fun.

 

A split would mean the mum does a lot less with the kids, but the dad would be doing more. They'd have to feed them, help with homework etc

 

I have some BWs say wheneverthe kids are at dads the homework isn't done. Until one mum actually wrote in the school diary " Sorry he didn't do his homework, he was at his dad's house this weekend". That shamed him as he didn't want to look like the bad parent to the school.

[minimariah]

How's your stepbrother?

 

well... he seems happy & he has a fairly normal, successful life. in all honesty... i've never discussed it with him in details & he generally avoids that subject.

 

Did your father shower him the love he lacked?

 

he did but he was already a teenager when my dad met him so... their relationship is more friendly than anything. he did have uncles and grandfather who all tried to support him.

 

i agree with this though:

 

The sad thing is that the effects of the abandonment are long lasting if not forever.

 

truth. there are some things that stay with folks forever - and no type of others showering you with love, no amount of therapy can fix it. it's like being born without a limb - you learn how to cope and live with it but the loss is permanent and always there.

 

there is a phenomenon of fathers who abandon one family only to be faithful, dotting husbands and fathers to ANOTHER family; mothers do it, too... but rarely.

[CommittedToThis]

I've never been married, never had an affair with a married woman, and never had any children, but my kids would be the number one priority in my life from the moment they were born. I have never understood other men who could simply walk away from their children, it's absolutely brutal, devastating, ice-cold and cruel.

 

Some heartbreaking stories here, hard to hear as a man.

[aileD]

So my husbands father left the family when he was 5. Didnt do much except pay some child support which his mom then used to buy booze to wallow in her misery with. My H had to get a paper route, feed his sister, he would get locked out all the time because she was drunk on the couch.

 

Finally DCS removed him and his sister, found the dad and told him that they would go into foster care if he didn't take them.

 

He did, but was just starting a new family and my H and his sister were definitely second class citizens. Sister was pawned off to any other relative or church family that would take her (she had some issues). H was preyed on by a pediphile priest for years, didn't feel at home, they would write names on the cereal boxes in the pantry and none would have his name...

 

We met in HS and I have a big close family and we Accepted him into it. Later when we got married and had kids, his dad reconnected a little but it was short lived. He just didn't put in the effort and H was fed up. We haven't talked to him in years.

[l8estnews]

Stories like these are sad. I thought mine was rare and unique yet here you are! Lots of different yet similar stories. I vowed not be like these kinds of person. I will always be a good parent to my kids, and I will never make them feel what I have felt. People undermines the feelings of children when they leave but they can never imagine the damage they do to their kids.

 

If God is real, I wonder what He'll say to these people.