Why do I still feel hurt and resentment?

[BrightlyBlazing]

I was dumped about three and a half months ago. The first two and a half months were really, really hard. I still miss my ex, but I've stopped crying, for the most part, stopped trying to figure out what I may or may not have done wrong. I've been able to enjoy things again, feel positive (although the election has not helped in that regard), but whenever I do happen to think about my ex, I continue to feel a mixture of hurt and anger and resentment at her. I still feel used. I don't know if that's really fair of me: I feel like I should be trying to let go of these feelings, forgive and forget, and I have tried, but I keep feeling this way. Is that normal?

[Satu]

*I was dumped about three and a half months ago. The first two and a half months were really, really hard. I still miss my ex, but I've stopped crying, for the most part, stopped trying to figure out what I may or may not have done wrong. I've been able to enjoy things again, feel positive (although the election has not helped in that regard), but whenever I do happen to think about my ex, I continue to feel a mixture of hurt and anger and resentment at her. I still feel used. I don't know if that's really fair of me: **I feel like I should be trying to let go of these feelings, forgive and forget, and I have tried, but I keep feeling this way. ***Is that normal?

 

*Three and a half months ago is like last week when it comes to feelings. Thoughts move faster than feelings, so it takes longer to process the feelings.

 

**Forgive and forget might be your preferred option, but you're not there yet. That time will come.

 

***Everything you are feeling is not only totally normal, but to be expected.

 

Honour whatever feelings that come up and don't try to push them away.

 

If you can externalise your feelings, that will help a lot.

 

You can do that by posting here, writing about how you feel, or talking to someone you really trust.

 

Don't worry.

 

You are making progress.

 

 

 

Take care

[reckoner]

I was dumped about three and a half months ago. The first two and a half months were really, really hard. I still miss my ex, but I've stopped crying, for the most part, stopped trying to figure out what I may or may not have done wrong. I've been able to enjoy things again, feel positive (although the election has not helped in that regard), but whenever I do happen to think about my ex, I continue to feel a mixture of hurt and anger and resentment at her. I still feel used. I don't know if that's really fair of me: I feel like I should be trying to let go of these feelings, forgive and forget, and I have tried, but I keep feeling this way. Is that normal?

 

You are just grieving. It is normal

 

At a certain point you will realize you think less and less about that person, I call them "pop-ups". It's like 'Hey, I haven't been thinking about him/her for half a day now, that's new." Eventually the hurt will fade away and you will be able to remember them without the thoughts upsetting you.

 

Take care

[BrightlyBlazing]

I just can't believe she jumped in, so intense and ready, spinning dreams of a big beautiful future we were going to share, lied to me about her real feelings for months, and then didn't even want to fight for us at the end. That the first time she even admitted anything was wrong, after months of me feeling like she was withdrawn, distant, like something was wrong and trying to get her to talk to me 'are you happy, is everything okay, are you still excited about us, am I doing anything that's irritating you, do you need space, etc...' was when she just wanted to be rid of us. It makes me feel used. She was my best friend! She knew I was serious about wanting to be with her, but she was lonely and hurting, and I was there...

[reckoner]

That the first time she even admitted anything was wrong, after months of me feeling like she was withdrawn, distant, like something was wrong and trying to get her to talk to me 'are you happy, is everything okay, are you still excited about us, am I doing anything that's irritating you, do you need space, etc...' was when she just wanted to be rid of us. It makes me feel used. She was my best friend! She knew I was serious about wanting to be with her, but she was lonely and hurting, and I was there...

 

 

I can relate to this very much because it's basically what happened to me this year. I believe that in essence she broke up in this period of time. The distance, the silence, the mixed messages... That's when the decisions start to get made. And it's horrible because you blame yourself.

 

It hurts, but at least you won't allow the same thing to happen again in the future as can now see it coming...

[Lifeissomething]

OP chin up, sorry you're hurting.

The almighty, horrendous 'break up' has and will continue to leave most dumpees dumbfounded and confused with endless questions and what if's.

These answer of why someone dumped you almost certainly never comes with absolute clarity and will remain a mystery privy only to the mind that decides to dump. Best to try not to waste time dwelling for these answers.

 

Resent and anger are natural. Promise yourself not to act or let out any of these emotions to her. It will ONLY make you feel horrible in the long run. If you do, think of it as a quick emotional drunk with one long ass hangover of regret and feeling stupid. Don't succumb to this.

 

Moving on is hard. Moving on sucks. Time is the answer, and so is keeping your pride in check. Hang in there.

[VienneseCoffee]

Sounds pretty normal to me but you have to forgive them or the anger will make you sick and unhealthy in the long run. There is that saying: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” I have a lot of anger & hurt about the breakup and then the crappy way I was treated post breakup but I'm trying to get past it too. I probably cried every day for 3 months.

[Sweetfish]

I had a split in a relationship and I feel absolutely used. Before I meet my gf she was making less than $8000 a year and over weight. Her father moved out of the house and her mother and father pretty much abandon her. Under our relationship i moditivated her and she has slim down, has a place of her own, a car and makes 50-60k a year. We both worked together to make sure BOTH of our lives were in a positive path and in the blink of an eye. She walks away.

 

Loyalty has gone out the window.

Women and men these days are waiting for the next thrill. They don't communicate. The nice guy and nice girl are being slowly execute by the not so nice girl/guy.

 

This is the world you live in and you gotta except reality..

[Been]

Your feelings are natural. Your angry which is fine-you feel used.

3 months isn't that long. Just be patient.

Forgiving I don't agree with. I can forget but I won't forgive someone that wronged me. Hate -I won't waste my time with that. I think when you hate your WISHING bad on someone and that's a waste.

[Superchicken]

Every poster above are all correct.

 

 

I myself had a real crappy break up as well when I was 22.

After two years, it was just "I think we should break up".

Well, I was so pissed, I said fine, and I walked out right there and then, and never spoke to her or seen her for 7 months. Fixed her little red wagon. She got really ticked off, but I never looked back.

I just kept thinking to myself, "It not me, and she's just a Beeyatch", over and over. It worked, as I spent time with my friends, to remove the loneliness at times, and Gym the other times.

 

 

Your not to blame, and if you say it over and over, you will just feel better about yourself.

 

 

Ted.

[BrightlyBlazing]

Update: 5 months post break-up now, and 5 months no-contact. She sent me a message on election night (a generic 'don't panic, we'll all band together and we'll be okay!' that may have been a mass text for all I know), but I didn't reply.

 

I haven't looked her up on social media or anything even a single time since the breakup. I'm rather proud of myself for that. But I'm still thinking all the time about --- well not HER, really --- but about why the relationship didn't work out. Why I chose HER of all people. Whether I was a good partner to her, or not. Whether dating her was part of a pattern I need to overcome, or just a 'well that sucks' blip that I don't really need to worry about. I do still miss her, but not in a way that tears my heart out all the time. It's more like an echo of pain now. I remember the heart-wrenching agony of the first few weeks, but it's dulled now and just sort of an empty feeling.

 

Is this normal? Transitioning away from thinking about how much I miss her and want her back to thinking about how the relationship fell apart, what I might need to learn from it, and so forth? Am I making progress?

[Been]

You feel like you got used because you DID get used. You can't understand how someone could just up and move on so quickly after all you did for them. Like you never mattered to them. And then your confused because they promised you the world and didn't come close to fulfilling it.

I learned judge people on ACTIONS not words. Anyone can say anything but do their actions back up what they say?

What your feeling is normal. You'll go through sad-confused - anger-resentment-and then indifferent. You'll analyze the situation 1000 different ways and come away more confused. You'll ask your family and friends their opinions about what happened.

Be patient with yourself. Healing doesn't have a automatic time-some people heal quicker some take time.

Whatever you do DONT contact her to get "answers"-you'll only come away with more questions. Remain in COMPLETE NC with her. It's the only way to heal fully.