I thought he was single :(

[SadDancer]

Hi all. I am such a mess in my head and this whole thing is ridiculous. I'm so sad because I have just found out that the guy I have been getting to know over many months has a partner!

 

We met online and we've been speaking for a long time. I was working out of the country for some time and when I got back he was too so we were unable to meet for months. So instead we spoke... we spoke so much and built up a really good connection and rapport exchanged travel photos etc.

 

Fast forward to a week ago when we finally met. I had an amazing time, he was charming, gorgeous, funny. We were really having a good time, we had amazing off the charts sex and suddenly he said 'I can't do this. I have a girlfriend'. I was gobsmacked!! He told me that he goes on sites, meets women, has sex with them a few days later and never sees them again. But because of the situation we ended up talking for so long. He met his partner about two months ago and they aren't an 'official couple' but he said that they pretty much are and he knew she would be fuming if she found out. That it was pretty much a done deal. He left saying that he just couldn't go through with it all.

 

I was literally devastated. I'd been excited for the date for weeks and we'd been chatting constantly. I thought I would never hear from him again. He deleted his messaging app and his profile on the website. Four days after I log online and he's back.. then Friday he messaged me to say he wants to see me again.

 

I feel so stupid because I replied to say I wanted to see him too. He said to let him know when I was visiting again and I said I could in a few weeks. That was yesterday but he hasn't replied. Most likely he will be with his partner.

 

I know this is terrible. I'm aware this guy seems to have huge issues and also if he's cheating whilst in the honeymoon part of a relationship that's awful. But - damn I like him. I really like him.

 

Maybe he has gone and I won't hear from him again. I need to let go of this, it's toxic. I'm anxious and unhappy, checking my phone and feeling terrified he's gone again. I don't know why I feel like such a mooney teenager.

 

My head is spinning and I feel so low. In a week I've become a complete wreck... Whilst before I felt like I was falling for this guy it was different, it gave me energy. Now I feel sick. He has someone and I'm a grown woman acting like a frightened child!! I don't know if how I feel is normal. I guess he's now actually gone and I just feel like I have no idea anymore.

[SeenNotHeard]

Gently, get out of this now. It hurts right now, but if it continues it will hurt a whole lot more. He has shown you who he is and believe him. He is probably a cake eater or serial cheater. This coming and going all seems to be his way of managing your expectations so you will be grateful for whatever he can "give" and based on how you are feeling it is working. Sorry.

[SadDancer]

<3 I know.... I know you are right. When he was in front of me I believed him. I believed he had a problem with this, I felt for him. And I've been falling for him for so long and as soon as I saw him I felt like I knew he was ideal. Until this.

 

I would guess he has truly gone now, he didn't read my last message and he will be with his partner. I suppose that means he will not message me again. If he does how do I stay strong? I'm so wrapped up in him. I know it's unhealthy. I feel stuck

[eye of the storm]

Saddancer. What you need to do is understand you didn't do anything wrong.

 

But if you don't wake up and get control of yourself, you will be.

 

You don't truly know this guy it is so easy to put on a fake face when you are just chatting online. But lets look at what you do know.

 

1. He admits he likes to lure women in have sex then dump them.

2. He admitted if you had been available, he would have done the same to you

3. He had sex with you and never told you he was with someone else.

4. He is willing to cheat on his GF with you.

5. This has cause you to be anxious and unhappy.

6. You know its toxic.

 

So....what do you like about this guy?

 

Honey, you deserve better. Don't accept this. If you do, then you are telling him very clearly that you are willing to be a doormat.

 

Block him. Delete his contact info. Treat yourself like you have value.

[SeenNotHeard]

<3 I know.... I know you are right. When he was in front of me I believed him. I believed he had a problem with this, I felt for him. And I've been falling for him for so long and as soon as I saw him I felt like I knew he was ideal. Until this.

 

I would guess he has truly gone now, he didn't read my last message and he will be with his partner. I suppose that means he will not message me again. If he does how do I stay strong? I'm so wrapped up in him. I know it's unhealthy. I feel stuck [/quote

 

It may not seem like it now, but it is best if he is gone. He is toxic to you. You will never have him because the person you thought you knew doesn't exist he revealed his true self to you. Gosh it will be hard to resist, know your worth and you are so much better than this.

[SadDancer]

Eye of the storm you made me cry!! You are right too. I guess I liked his intelligence, his mind and the way he sees things, his humor, his looks, the way he talks. We had so much in common.

 

I know I have to let it go but it's so hard!!! I don't think I will hear from him again now and it's ripping me up! Why would someone do this? And in the honeymoon period.... he's meant to be loved up right now. I just want to cry.

[Ruffian1]

He played you and he scored.

 

That's all it was.

 

Don't let him score again.

 

Pick up the ball and walk away.

 

At least he admitted it to you.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't just about the fact he is with someone, and he lied you about it, hid the truth -- it's also about HIM SLEEPING WITH MANY WOMEN. Go get yourself tested for std's. I really hope he didn't give you anything.

 

Ask yourself why you still want to continue on with this guy...Knowing the truth now, why do you want someone like this in your life? You get what you ask for, now that you know, if you choose to keep contact, even minimal, whatever comes next is on you. Sorry to be blunt.

 

If you can't do this on your own, then seek counseling. This man LIED to you and possibly could've given you a lifetime disease.

[whichwayisup]

Eye of the storm you made me cry!! You are right too. I guess I liked his intelligence, his mind and the way he sees things, his humor, his looks, the way he talks. We had so much in common.

 

I know I have to let it go but it's so hard!!! I don't think I will hear from him again now and it's ripping me up! Why would someone do this? And in the honeymoon period.... he's meant to be loved up right now. I just want to cry.

 

Chances are he's been with his gf for a lot longer than he admitted, and there's also a good chance he's married and has given you trickle truths.

 

Cry, eat ice cream, call your women friends and let them know you need to help and support so you won't let him back into your life. Block him on all social media.

[eye of the storm]

Saddancer, I don't think you have very much in common.

 

Do you like to lie to people? Do you like to cheat on someone you are in a relationship with? Do you like to make people cry? Do you actively hunt people on the internet so you can use them and then dump them?

 

You fell for an image of a person that does not exist in reality. Its easy to do. I'm in love with Darryl Dixon. I'd fight zombies for that guy. But he is not real. Neither is the guy you thought you knew.

 

So, let yourself feel bad for getting fooled. Then learn from it so you are not such an easy mark next time. But most of all, stop hoping this scum contacts you. Get mad! He lied to you. He treated you like a toy to be played with then thrown away when something shiny catches his attention.

 

Stop worrying about him, his honeymoon period, her....anything to do with him. Worry about why you are wanting to be treated like a rag.

 

You are better than that. You deserve to be treated better.

 

But if you don't believe it, nobody else will either. YOU decide how you will be treated. Make a good decision.

[noelle303]

As funny and handsome and charming as he is, imagine actually getting into a relationship with this guy. He'd probably be cheating on you left and right, while you'd be sitting at home constantly worrying about what he's doing.

 

You don't want that, get away from him before you waste more time and get even more attached.

 

He's a sleaze who clearly has ZERO respect for women, treats them like toys for his own satisfaction and plays games with them. He offers nothing but pain and humiliation.

 

You're not a toy, you're a human being with feelings and he's an a-hole without any sense of empathy who doesn't care about who he hurts. Therefore, you're better than him and you don't need him or his crap.

 

Delete and block him.

 

Trust me, the world does not have so few of nice, funny guys that you need to run after scumbags such as this.

[SadDancer]

<3 <3 <3

 

Yes. I think I have very low self esteem This is still very fresh too. I won't contact him. I deleted his details so I don't reach out. I know I'm longing for him to come to me and I know that it's unhealthy.... but maybe that longing will pass in time. Right now it's so raw and painful. I do believe he let himself show over the time we were talking but I know there's the lies and the deceit too.

[Satu]

Eject, eject, eject.

[eye of the storm]

<3 <3 <3

 

Yes. I think I have very low self esteem This is still very fresh too. I won't contact him. I deleted his details so I don't reach out. I know I'm longing for him to come to me and I know that it's unhealthy.... but maybe that longing will pass in time. Right now it's so raw and painful. I do believe he let himself show over the time we were talking but I know there's the lies and the deceit too.

 

Saddancer, Telling yourself that he let himself show is just a way to think nice of him. He did not. He admitted he hunts women then preforms a pump and dump. Did he tell you that? No. That is who is is.

 

You deserve better. Work on you. Work on treating yourself like you are valuable. Fake it till you make it.

 

Every day spend some time telling yourself things that are good about yourself. So often, all we do is talk about the bad things. Our hair, our weight, our skin.... Stop it. Start treating yourself like you deserve to be treated. With respect, with value, with kindness.

 

And yes, it isn't easy. But everything worth doing requires work and attention. And you are worth it

[Satu]

OP:

 

I'm really not saying this to offend you, but it's my honest opinion, so I'll share it:

 

 

The way you feel about yourself - low self-esteem, the ups and downs in your feelings, your craving for him, and your preoccupation with him, fit the personality profile of an other woman/affair partner, perfectly.

 

You are ripe for exploitation.

You need some counselling.

 

 

Take care.

[SadDancer]

I'm not offended I'm sure you may be onto something. Despite it being unhealthy and the preoccupation being so intense, even if it's due to something else, it feels so real! And I wish I was stronger and wasn't so hurt over a player. I know he's a user. He has read my last message and has not yet replied but is active online already so that says a lot. I still use that site and it tells me on the homepage. I have blocked it so I can't message him on there. But I do crave him you are right, and it's painful.

[Grapesofwrath]

When people set out to deceive us, they are already 20 steps ahead. He knew what to say and how to say it to get what he wanted.

 

BTW, this business about them only being together a couple months is baloney. It's possible he has no gf and just uses that as an excuse to set you up as someone he can use for sex. Conversely, he could be married and this "I just met someone" is a total lie. Either way, it doesn't matter.

 

The person that you thought you knew doesn't exist. Get Angry. What a cruel thing to do to you!! Grieve the loss and move on.

[SadDancer]

Yes I'm aware it could all be lies I am angry too. Angry, hurt, confused. I feel like it's me - but I guess it isn't it's him, and he's going to always be a miserable cheat whereas I will move on. Xx

[l8estnews]

I'm so sad because I have just found out that the guy I have been getting to know over many months has a partner!

 

Then screw him, he is a cheater.

 

Fast forward to a week ago when we finally met. I had an amazing time, he was charming, gorgeous, funny. We were really having a good time, we had amazing off the charts sex and suddenly he said 'I can't do this. I have a girlfriend'. I was gobsmacked!!

 

Of course, he already got what he wants from you. He was a lion who took patience in his prey. Unfortunately, his patience got him the reward

 

I was literally devastated. I'd been excited for the date for weeks and we'd been chatting constantly. I thought I would never hear from him again. He deleted his messaging app and his profile on the website. Four days after I log online and he's back.. then Friday he messaged me to say he wants to see me again.

 

I feel so stupid because I replied to say I wanted to see him too. He said to let him know when I was visiting again and I said I could in a few weeks. That was yesterday but he hasn't replied. Most likely he will be with his partner.

 

This is where I judge your actions. You already know how a scumbag he is and still you entertain him. This is the part where you can be blamed on the hurt and pain this situation has caused you.

 

I need to let go of this, it's toxic. I'm anxious and unhappy, checking my phone and feeling terrified he's gone again. I don't know why I feel like such a mooney teenager.

 

Girl, he's already gone the moment he said he has a girlfriend. Complete NO CONTACT. You tried and you lost. It's part of the dating game nowadays. Learn from this and move on. DO NOT attempt to salvage what is unsalvageable from the start. Learn from the people here.

 

Take care!

[SadDancer]

Oh L8estnews you are right. I am to blame too. I was so deep in my emotions when that happened and I'm embarrassed to admit I thought maybe he genuinely wanted me instead. I got lost in a fantasy and I made a situation in my head.... admittedly encouraged by him for sure but I allowed it to happen. It was my first experience of a date after a 15 yr relationship with my HSS ended last year. So I got way too involved.

 

And as per.... now he messages today.... now he wants attention. I deleted it but god it was hard. I have to face reality that I fell for a lie and a fantasy but it's tough to face. I feel so silly and I'm responsible for this hurt I feel too. Xxx

[stillafool]

 

 

I had an amazing time, he was charming, gorgeous, funny. We were really having a good time, we had amazing off the charts sex

 

- damn I like him. I really like him.

 

 

 

 

I bet this is also what the last 25 women he met said about him to.

[eye of the storm]

Saddancer, yes. Yes you can move on. If you decide to. And I think you are.

 

And you used the correct word, fantasy. That is what it was. He created this beautiful little world. You fell for it. Well, welcome... cookies are on the left. You are obviously not alone in there.

 

But, I disagree with l8testnews. You don't deserve this. You didn't seek it out, you didn't start it...You got caught up in it. In a perfect world we would all be very black and white. Right and wrong. No gray. And when someone acted badly we would instantly not engage in their bad behavior. But you fell in love. He played on that. You didn't meet him. You didn't seek him out, you responded to him telling him you want to see him too. And I bet you do. I know I want to see my xMM.

 

Here is where you decide how this plays out. You now know how this game is played. You know where your weakness is. Are you going to shore up your defenses and start respecting yourself or are you going to keep messaging him till he convinces you to meet up for sex again? Are you going to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy or are you going to lay down and let him wipe his feet on you?

 

Notice I am not talking about him. This is all you. You decide. You choose. This is your life.

 

You can do this. You have value.

[JellyTot]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You thought he was a genuine guy and it turns out that he's fooled you. You need to realise that the guy you have feelings for is not the guy he really is. It's natural to grieve the loss of the person you thought he was, but that person never existed. In reality he's a liar and a cheater who has used and hurt you. It's ok to admit that he pulled the wool over your eyes. Don't let him hurt you any more than he already has.

[VeveCakes]

Oh L8estnews you are right. I am to blame too. I was so deep in my emotions when that happened and I'm embarrassed to admit I thought maybe he genuinely wanted me instead. I got lost in a fantasy and I made a situation in my head.... admittedly encouraged by him for sure but I allowed it to happen. It was my first experience of a date after a 15 yr relationship with my HSS ended last year. So I got way too involved.

 

And as per.... now he messages today.... now he wants attention. I deleted it but god it was hard. I have to face reality that I fell for a lie and a fantasy but it's tough to face. I feel so silly and I'm responsible for this hurt I feel too. Xxx

 

Good for you for deleting. Stick with it. You will be able to tell earlier next time when a guy is a creep.

[SadDancer]

Oh god I really do want to see him but I can't, I have to be strong.... Today was hard I've had so many messages to go see him again etc... and yes I agree it is about me. What do I want. And I have decided I choose me but I did some digging today and I think I have identified that I am co-dependant. I went to look up about some therapy for me and I came across an article about how co-dependants often fall for this kind of man (I tried to sit with it today and I realised I believe that he is a sex addict - based on his sudden many messages to me today and frantic online behaviour messaging others and this made me question why I would be attracted to such high drama) and I just seemed to match everything it said

 

I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday. I realise I have always harboured fantasies for unavailable people. I've always been faithful in my relationship but I'm very prone to a flight of fantasy. Now I've realised this I feel kind of empty inside and like I need to change everything. It's scary!! I'm afraid to stand on the edge and afraid to take steps to improve - even though it's healthier. I'm afraid because I think I might fail... I am scared I will learn I can't love myself. I'm going to do it anyway, I'm prepared for this to take years too, but change is freakin frightening!!! And my hat goes off to all of you who have stood here at the crossroad and decided to chance a new path.

 

You have NO IDEA how tempting it is to message him right now. I'm staying strong, but it's killing me. What helps is I realise he is talking to so many women and knowing everything he said about wanting ME is a lie. What is hard to admit is I have these fantasies that maybe I can change him.... I know I can't though and I doubt anyone ever will. But my heart says 'what if' and my head tells me 'hell no girl'. I can't believe I'm admitting all this. I thank every single one of you who has taken the time to help me. You don't know what it means to get this off my chest.

Edited November 15, 2016 by SadDancer