I thought he was single :(

[Patrice]

You feel like total crap afterwards, and the self esteem will take another hit.

No, just let him go and focus on you.

[stillafool]

Very good that you made an appointment to see a therapist. Now if you want to be on the road to healing, block him from contacting you and don't snoop to see what he's doing.

[ladydesigner]

Hi all. I am such a mess in my head and this whole thing is ridiculous. I'm so sad because I have just found out that the guy I have been getting to know over many months has a partner!

 

We met online and we've been speaking for a long time. I was working out of the country for some time and when I got back he was too so we were unable to meet for months. So instead we spoke... we spoke so much and built up a really good connection and rapport exchanged travel photos etc.

 

Fast forward to a week ago when we finally met. I had an amazing time, he was charming, gorgeous, funny. We were really having a good time, we had amazing off the charts sex and suddenly he said 'I can't do this. I have a girlfriend'. I was gobsmacked!! He told me that he goes on sites, meets women, has sex with them a few days later and never sees them again. But because of the situation we ended up talking for so long. He met his partner about two months ago and they aren't an 'official couple' but he said that they pretty much are and he knew she would be fuming if she found out. That it was pretty much a done deal. He left saying that he just couldn't go through with it all.

 

I was literally devastated. I'd been excited for the date for weeks and we'd been chatting constantly. I thought I would never hear from him again. He deleted his messaging app and his profile on the website. Four days after I log online and he's back.. then Friday he messaged me to say he wants to see me again.

 

I feel so stupid because I replied to say I wanted to see him too. He said to let him know when I was visiting again and I said I could in a few weeks. That was yesterday but he hasn't replied. Most likely he will be with his partner.

 

I know this is terrible. I'm aware this guy seems to have huge issues and also if he's cheating whilst in the honeymoon part of a relationship that's awful. But - damn I like him. I really like him.

 

Maybe he has gone and I won't hear from him again. I need to let go of this, it's toxic. I'm anxious and unhappy, checking my phone and feeling terrified he's gone again. I don't know why I feel like such a mooney teenager.

 

My head is spinning and I feel so low. In a week I've become a complete wreck... Whilst before I felt like I was falling for this guy it was different, it gave me energy. Now I feel sick. He has someone and I'm a grown woman acting like a frightened child!! I don't know if how I feel is normal. I guess he's now actually gone and I just feel like I have no idea anymore.

 

What an effing jerk *pardon my French* but are you f*cking kidding me. What a spineless man to pull you through 4 months of this BS (not blind spouse) and then when you are finally intimate he has a freakout session! I probably would have slapped him and told him to get on his merry way!

 

Sorry you had to experience this with a fine manipulator! (((SadDancer)))

[eye of the storm]

Oh god I really do want to see him but I can't, I have to be strong.... Today was hard I've had so many messages to go see him again etc... and yes I agree it is about me. What do I want. And I have decided I choose me but I did some digging today and I think I have identified that I am co-dependant. I went to look up about some therapy for me and I came across an article about how co-dependants often fall for this kind of man (I tried to sit with it today and I realised I believe that he is a sex addict - based on his sudden many messages to me today and frantic online behaviour messaging others and this made me question why I would be attracted to such high drama) and I just seemed to match everything it said

 

Be strong, it is all about you. You can do this. Personal recommendation, stop trying to diagnose him. It does not matter what he is/isn't. He does not matter. You matter. Stop wasting time thinking about him and why he does what he does. Only worry about why you do what you do.

 

I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday. I realise I have always harboured fantasies for unavailable people. I've always been faithful in my relationship but I'm very prone to a flight of fantasy. Now I've realised this I feel kind of empty inside and like I need to change everything. It's scary!! I'm afraid to stand on the edge and afraid to take steps to improve - even though it's healthier. I'm afraid because I think I might fail... I am scared I will learn I can't love myself. I'm going to do it anyway, I'm prepared for this to take years too, but change is freakin frightening!!! And my hat goes off to all of you who have stood here at the crossroad and decided to chance a new path.

 

Therapy is good. I'm happy you are taking charge and getting help. Scary isn't a bad thing, fear isn't a bad thing. They mean you are fully aware how important this is. Just don't let the fear stop you. About failure, we all fail. But you just have to get back up and try again. When you look at that crossroad, you know the easy road, the pain the weakness the bleakness of it, but it is what you know. Look at the other road, it is scary and won't always be easy but the journey will show you how amazing you are, what you are capable of. But you must remember, it isn't a destination it is the journey. Don't be afraid of being fantastic.

 

You have NO IDEA how tempting it is to message him right now. I'm staying strong, but it's killing me. What helps is I realise he is talking to so many women and knowing everything he said about wanting ME is a lie. What is hard to admit is I have these fantasies that maybe I can change him.... I know I can't though and I doubt anyone ever will. But my heart says 'what if' and my head tells me 'hell no girl'. I can't believe I'm admitting all this. I thank every single one of you who has taken the time to help me. You don't know what it means to get this off my chest.

 

Yes, actually, most OWs on this site know exactly how tempting it is. Like craving a hit of your fav drug. Sometimes it is the only thought in your head. But with time and practice, and time...it gets less and less until you are clear.

 

 

good luck you got this

[SadDancer]

Oh thank you all so much (((((LS Community))))) You're keeping me strong.

 

xxxxxxx

[BuddyX]

Just keep repeating to yourself "I will not be your 'sometimes'"

[beautiful_day]

My lovely new husband works with men like this. It's fascinating to hear about it from the other side. They sign up for dating sites, and they say it's like shooting fish in a bucket. They sit around and look at the profiles together, and discuss their conquests. Isnt that absolutely horrible!

 

You are bitterly disappointed, and you mss the sparkly high you got from what you thought was a wonderful new relationship. Now life seems boring, and flat, and uncertain.

 

You may have lost what you thought you had, but you have not lost your capacity to love. That's a wonderful thing. Go find a real man to give that love to. There's lots out there, but you can't find one until you free yourself from this worthless fake.

[SadDancer]

My lovely new husband works with men like this. It's fascinating to hear about it from the other side. They sign up for dating sites, and they say it's like shooting fish in a bucket. They sit around and look at the profiles together, and discuss their conquests. Isnt that absolutely horrible!

 

You are bitterly disappointed, and you mss the sparkly high you got from what you thought was a wonderful new relationship. Now life seems boring, and flat, and uncertain.

 

You may have lost what you thought you had, but you have not lost your capacity to love. That's a wonderful thing. Go find a real man to give that love to. There's lots out there, but you can't find one until you free yourself from this worthless fake.

 

I just typed a long reply and my computer lost it. But yes - I feel all of this.

 

I did something stupid but I think it has helped me. He's been messaging loads (I cannot block his messages as I am working for this particular site and therefore have to have a profile and it does not have a block feature). Anyway I was sad and lonely last night so I responded. He read it and ghosts. Given the amount of messages he sent me I sent a follow up and he read that.... nothing. I wasn't needy just chatty and nice but for the first time I feel rage. I am FUMING. Because I logged on to do some work and boom.... there he is.... chatting to women. Even since he ignored me he's been speaking with others. And I felt absolutely effing worthless. Discarded. He was bored, he wanted validation, he came to me. The scales fell and I just keep thinking how he TOOK. He just took and took and took. I even sent him pictures and videos even - and now I feel disgusting - and he all the while fostered a sense of closeness, manipulated it, to take what he wanted. Whether he was even aware of it or he's delusional himself who knows. But I made myself vulnerable to him based on lies. And he just took that and threw it away. I feel so hurt right now but I've learned a valuable lesson. And in my heart now I know this is all over. Before I still had hope and I gave it lip service. Today something inside me has shifted. It's cold, raining and I'm alone at home crying. But maybe this is what I need.

 

Interestingly I am reading a great book called 'Attachment' and it has been really eye opening. I've learned that I have an anxious attachment style. Interestingly we are actually most attracted to avoidants (as I just learned) and I'm seeing an online therapist in half an hour.

 

Today I am grieving a lot. A 15 year relationship ended early in the year, I believe my insecurities led me to this guy who chewed me up and spat me out and I've realised I have a terrible time being alone. I'm so lonely and I didn't fully process the end of my last relationship. We were together at 16 and so I have never been alone in my whole life. I'm a mess.... but you know what.... from being down here the only way is up. Bedrock is a solid foundation to build on.

 

Thank you LSers. You're helping me so much right now. I honestly couldn't do this without you all. xxxxxxxx

[Ruffian1]

He read it and ghosts.

 

Of course he did. It is a game. He wanted to get the last laugh in on you. One up-manship. He dumped you not the other way.

 

See, he got you to respond, big ego boost. Then he gets to cut off communication to YOU.

 

Don't play with this cold-hearted boy anymore.

[eye of the storm]

When you fall down, get back up. Always get back up.