Stand ground or be paranoid?

[johnnyempec]

Me and my wife have been in long distance most of our marriage (about 60%) because of our jobs, we've been married now for 2 and together for 3.

 

We're supposed to be permanent together in March and there is a chance that we can be together permanently as of December.

 

Most of our marriage was quite well with the occasional bad fights like any other. Communication wasn't the best but my wife has been very consistent from the day we met.

 

About 10 weeks ago I got a new job and had almost not time for my wife for about 5 weeks. She told me several times that she missed me so much and that she needed attention, but I ignored it. We got into a fight 5 weeks in, and she told me "I almost dated someone else, because I lack attention, I want you this so you can do something about it," and "I didn't date him because I felt bad about it." The next week was very stressy for me because I was wide open to all her bad signals but I showed her my intentions and gave her more quality time (not sure if giving in was a good idea though).

 

One time she told me "[name guy she flirted with] who was hitting on me is so weak". Talking about the guy? And his name? That must be a red flag???

 

I'm from a Real Social Dynamics (RSD) and The Way of the Superior Man (by David Deida) background, where I learned to not give a damn, to never be jealous, to never be insecure, to never ask for love nor time, to always be contented with what you have, to love your woman unconditionally, no matter what. Now however, I bended a little, by saying "Okay you know what? Sorry that I didn't have time for you that much, I will take care of it alright? But can't promise you that it won't happen again, cuz that's just life." This however doesn't mean I'm dick, I do respect her with all my heart, and always try to listen, but I don't bend for something I don't like to do. If she wants me to wear a yellow shirt or she would divorce me...fine, see you. We also have several healthy boundaries.

 

Anyway she was during that first week really cold and told me several times she didn't know what to do with me, and that she "didn't know about us." Once she told me "I'm not thinking about separation, just don't know what to do with you." Not sure what to think of this.

 

The weeks after this, up until now, I was having this gut feeling something was off. But couldn't pinpoint it, maybe I was just afraid of her leaving me. I did finally tell her "I miss you so much," which I never do, instead I don't even open it up and sometimes I would say "I miss you too." She knows that I'm a little bit weak now, I know she feels it too. This is what freaks me out, because of my RSD background, the more I bend, the less she's attracted to me and likely to cheat or divorce.

 

Anyway, today she tested (I assume it was a test) me again to see how far I would bend by saying out of nowhere, in the middle of a horny conversation on facebook "I'm tired of this long distance, I don't want this anymore," I just listened to her concerns cuz it might be just that she had a bad day at work. I told her that this month was sooo difficult indeed, and that things have gone kinda bad for us. I asked her if she was going to give up, and she said "I don't know," "I'll wait you here till March."

 

I asked her if she had doubts and she said "sometimes, I'm controlling my emotions."

 

Also she was about to come in my country in December for 90 days, but she seems to resist it a lot. She told me she couldn't get a leave of absence because her boss doesn't allow it. For some reason I have the feeling she's not trying hard enough here. But I might be wrong.

 

My question now is, is she's taking preparations for divorce, having an affair, testing me, or am I paranoid, what's my move? Should I stand ground here, and still not give a damn, or should I take some distance?

 

I think it 's best to be a little cold now and to take distance, not because I think it's best to play it like that, but really but I'm getting tired of it. Getting tired of my own paranoia actually, my heart rate has been 80+ for the past few weeks.

 

ps. I have seen a lot of occasions where once the woman says that she's having doubts or something similar, that the guy is suddenly over-hunting his woman, which destroys it even quicker. Does this scenario feel like that too? She does still send me goodmorning messages and today she also said "I just want to know if you have been okay past few days. I feel bad." But, I my an ex of mine told me the day before she broke up with me how much she loved me, haha. So I'm soooo confused. On the other hand, when she spoke to a friend of ours, my friend didn't get the feeling she was going to separate. Any thoughts?

[aileD]

She is not the problem.

 

You are.

 

She is telling you what she needs. She is asking you to meet her needs. She is telling you she is tempted to get her needs met somewhere else but doesn't want to, she wants you. She is telling you she doesn't want to live long distance anymore

 

Dude. She's showing you how much she loves and wants to be with you.m and trying to get you to understand.

 

I don't know about this RSD stuff but women don't like men that don't care for their feelings. She's telling you she needs more

 

Why aren't you giving it to her?

 

No job is worth losing someone you're married to and in love with. Just move tonbe with her now if you really love her

[johnnyempec]

I'm afraid that if I give her too much she will walk...

 

And what is this **** about her "not knowing" or "having doubts"?

[aileD]

I'm afraid that if I give her too much she will walk...

 

And what is this **** about her "not knowing" or "having doubts"?

Maybe she has doubts because you're not manning up and showing her that she's important to you.

 

She's given up because of your backwards way of thinking. "If I give her too much she will walk". No. everyone wants to know they're loved immensely.. you aren't giving her that

 

Do you love her immensely? Or not? If you do then you are totally overthinking this. Just love her. Don't think you have to hold back because of some twisted mindset that if you treat her nice then she will cheat on you. It's ok to be vulnerable

 

May I ask what country you are from? Maybe it's a cultural thing.

[johnnyempec]

I'm from Germany, it's not a cultural thing. My ex dumped me because I was too clingy, that hit me hard, so I decided to be more independent. Perhaps I'm overdoing it now. I do love her immensely, and I do show her that too. Those 5 weeks were however so bad, and I'm showing more effort now, also showing her undivided attention when we're talking. I tell her why I love her, and that I'm still in love with her after 3 years...etc. I'm not a dick or anything, it's just that I'm holding back a lot.

[Sand to Glass]

I'm afraid that if I give her too much she will walk...

 

And what is this **** about her "not knowing" or "having doubts"?

 

If you don't give her enough, she'll walk...

 

Stop playing a game trying to control the situation. Do you have good enough judgment to not marry a user/manipulator? Then why manipulate her as if she is? She's telling you what she needs. If you refuse to give it to her, she'll find it elsewhere. Us women don't take well to the aloof game.

 

Maybe you two are communicating love differently, but she's giving you all the tools in the world to fix it. Up to you to take them, or do things your own way.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Sand to Glass
Typo

[aileD]

Listen. What works for one person might not work for another.

 

You need to be yourself. If you're not then you attract the wrong people.

 

Just be yourself and act how you want to act from your heart.

 

Does your wife know about this RSD stuff? If she doesn't, tell her. Explain it and tell her it's not who you are and explain things.

[Sweetfish]

What your reading is wrong and will backfire.

 

That stuff works in the beginning, but once your in a relationship you need to build a connection.

 

Telling your wife you love her and care about her is being a man.

 

If not she will find someone else...

[Methodical]

My question now is, is she's taking preparations for divorce, having an affair, testing me, or am I paranoid, what's my move? Should I stand ground here, and still not give a damn, or should I take some distance?

 

I think it 's best to be a little cold now and to take distance, not because I think it's best to play it like that, but really but I'm getting tired of it.

 

How much distance do you need? You are already cold toward her and you're proposing to freeze her out bc it's for the best. You see her 40%, and as of late, even less. Go ahead and "stand your ground, and still not give a damn" so that she can move forward and find a man who wants to be with her. This might be a game to you, but to her, it isn't.

[basil67]

Between the location issues and coldness, you've already created a huge distance. This distance is making her feel extremely disconnected from you and she can't cope with it much longer. If you increase the distance further, she will walk.

 

I'm also wondering why the two of you have prioritised your jobs over your nurturing your marriage.

[johnnyempec]

Listen. What works for one person might not work for another.

 

You need to be yourself. If you're not then you attract the wrong people.

 

Just be yourself and act how you want to act from your heart.

 

Does your wife know about this RSD stuff? If she doesn't, tell her. Explain it and tell her it's not who you are and explain things.

 

I am myself to some extend, the only thing is that I'm holding back a lot when it comes to show my emotions like how much I actually miss her and how much I care about her. At the airport however we're both in tears constantly, even 2 hours before going to the airport.

Yes she knows about RSD and my RSD background. She knows that I'm like this, not sure if she realizes though. She would most likely just say "you're a pussy, just give me what I want." Haha.

 

What your reading is wrong and will backfire.

 

That stuff works in the beginning, but once your in a relationship you need to build a connection.

 

Telling your wife you love her and care about her is being a man.

 

If not she will find someone else...

 

Yup, that is what I have been doing past week, but it feels like THAT is backfiring at the moment. The more I go after her, the more distance it creates.

Might it be that she was taking more care of things at first, by showing me all her efforts, and that she is the one holding back now?

 

Like 10 days ago she also asked me "are you afraid to loose me?" I told her "I'm not taking you for granted if that is what you are asking."

Edited November 14, 2016 by johnnyempec

[Just a Guy]

Hi Johnny, sorry to read about your situation. From what little I have gleaned from this forum I believe LDRs do not work very well. Add to that this RSD business that you have brought into play and it seems to be even more complicated. You mentioned something about your wife visiting your country in December. If so does that mean she is of a different nationality than you? In what circstances did you meet your wife and what prompted you to marry if you knew you were going to have to live separately?

 

Marriage under the best circumstances is a difficult relationship to maintain and if the two of you are generally living separate lives it makes it even more difficult. Do you two meet up regularly at intervals or do you go for long periods staying apart? You will have to find a solution quickly for this separation if you want to save your marriage otherwise it does not bode well for it. By the way, how old are the two of you? Warm wishes.

[johnnyempec]

Hi Johnny, sorry to read about your situation. From what little I have gleaned from this forum I believe LDRs do not work very well. Add to that this RSD business that you have brought into play and it seems to be even more complicated. You mentioned something about your wife visiting your country in December. If so does that mean she is of a different nationality than you? In what circstances did you meet your wife and what prompted you to marry if you knew you were going to have to live separately?

 

Marriage under the best circumstances is a difficult relationship to maintain and if the two of you are generally living separate lives it makes it even more difficult. Do you two meet up regularly at intervals or do you go for long periods staying apart? You will have to find a solution quickly for this separation if you want to save your marriage otherwise it does not bode well for it. By the way, how old are the two of you? Warm wishes.

 

I was looking for an Asian girl in Thailand to marry. I ended up visiting the Philippines after 6 months, and met my Filipina wife (who is 6 years younger than me (30)). I married her because rationally speaking I thought she was perfect for me. She was the one hunting me down though.

 

We weren't planning to live separately, it just happened. After the initial meeting, it took me 5 months to get to the Philippines to meet her and her family for marriage, for 3 weeks. 3-4 months later we got married in my country, where she spent 3 months. The plan was to take her to my country but because of the rules and regulations it made it very difficult for us. I made a mistake business wise that got me broke. I managed to get my financials back on track and moved to the Philippines, 4 months later, for 7 months, where things went out of control with my wife and I decided to move to my country for a while to let things cool off. This was longer than expected and I ended up coming back 6 months later...We lived together for a year after that and all was fine, we had our fights but we set boundaries and it was a great year. Because of business opportunities I had to fly back to my country to prepare. That was in July. The plan was to get back in Philippines per January, permanently.

 

I'm planning to not wait till March and go for it right now.

 

[edit] One of the reasons, among many, I felt rationally attracted to her was because she works in a 5 star hotel where famous people and millionaires check-in daily, while trying to get her attention, but some reason she managed to ignore that. This was a +10 for me.

Edited November 14, 2016 by johnnyempec

[Mr. Lucky]

We weren't planning to live separately, it just happened. After the initial meeting, it took me 5 months to get to the Philippines to meet her and her family for marriage, for 3 weeks. 3-4 months later we got married in my country, where she spent 3 months.

 

So you married someone you met once?

 

Suddenly, everything else you've said makes sense. Doesn't matter if you're "RSD" or KGB, the history behind your relationship - didn't know each other, don't spend enough time together - made the current issues a near certainty.

 

Don't they have any women back in Europe ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Understand this, you have to find some type of happy medium. And honestly why are you away and working away all the time.

 

Here is the deal, if you don't take care of a woman that you love sexually, emotionally she will get it somewhere else. Everyone does.

 

And yes, she is probably sleeping with this guy so you need to deal with that.

 

You never want to be weak with a woman, but good grief man, they need attention in person. The need to know that they are loved an desired and needed, all that stuff. You cannot do that if you are away all the time.

 

Take her with you, get a new job or get a divorce. And find some type of book that is more middle of the road and put that other stuff down.

[johnnyempec]

So you married someone you met once?

 

Suddenly, everything else you've said makes sense. Doesn't matter if you're "RSD" or KGB, the history behind your relationship - didn't know each other, don't spend enough time together - made the current issues a near certainty.

 

Don't they have any women back in Europe ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, I was in Asia for 13 months. After 6 months, I went to the Philippines for 7 months.

[Mr. Lucky]

No, I was in Asia for 13 months. After 6 months, I went to the Philippines for 7 months.

 

Here's what you said:

 

After the initial meeting, it took me 5 months to get to the Philippines to meet her and her family for marriage, for 3 weeks.

 

Sounds like you met her once, decided to marry and went to meet her family.

 

Regardless why are you wife shopping in the Far East?

 

Mr. Lucky

[johnnyempec]

 

Regardless why are you wife shopping in the Far East?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Cuz that's what I wanted.

Edited November 14, 2016 by johnnyempec

[Mr. Lucky]

Cuz that's what I wanted.

 

Be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

 

Hope things turn out OK...

 

Mr. Lucky

[johnnyempec]

Thank you all for posting, I learned a lot about myself to be less of an emotionless dick towards her. Although, I feel like I have gone too far, and this will be very difficult to turn around.

 

I'm going to call her later and ask her if she wants to continue or not. If she wants, I'll be able to fly to PH this week and stay there permanently.

[aileD]

like 10 days ago she also asked me "are you afraid to loose me?" I told her "I'm not taking you for granted if that is what you are asking."

 

Yeah. Wrong thing to say. Women hate it when you don't directly answer a question and instead give an answer that takes out most of the emotion and doesn't really focus on what they really want to know.

 

"Hell yes, I'm afraid to lose you. You mean so much to me. I can't imagine my life without you by my side. How can we make this work?"

 

That would have been a better answer

 

So, you went "looking" for a wife? This could be part of the problem.

[johnnyempec]

 

So, you went "looking" for a wife? This could be part of the problem.

 

Correct, but in Thailand. When I went to the Philippines I just stumbled on this one, she actually found me.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Johnny, thanks for your response. As others have said your situation does make more sense now that you have clarified on your situation. I don't know if others on the forum would agree with me or not and it is something I really do not want to highlight but the thing is that the ladies from both Thailand and the Phillipines have low boundaries in terms of their sexual tendencies. The other fact is that a number of them usually are interested in Western men because they are looking for an easy route into any of the Western nations. By marrying you your wife knows that she will eventually make it to the West. Some of these ladies even have boyfriends who they keep under wraps till they are certain of their status in the Western country where they have settled with their 'husbands' after which when ever they visit their home country alone usually, they get cosy with them. Of course they support their families/ boyfriends with money so kindly given to them by their husbands. I think Mr. Lucky may have been hinting at something like this but I am not sure. My point in all this is that since you really did not know your wife very well before marriage and because you do not know the lamguage you would not know what your wife was talking about when she spoke back home.

 

In any case please tread carefully and if you are really confident about your wife then get her away from the Phillipines. I am not sure she would be very happy with your decision to settle in her home country because she would want to settle in the West as far as my suspicions go. In any case whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best. Cheers.

[johnnyempec]

Hi Johnny, thanks for your response. As others have said your situation does make more sense now that you have clarified on your situation. I don't know if others on the forum would agree with me or not and it is something I really do not want to highlight but the thing is that the ladies from both Thailand and the Phillipines have low boundaries in terms of their sexual tendencies. The other fact is that a number of them usually are interested in Western men because they are looking for an easy route into any of the Western nations. By marrying you your wife knows that she will eventually make it to the West. Some of these ladies even have boyfriends who they keep under wraps till they are certain of their status in the Western country where they have settled with their 'husbands' after which when ever they visit their home country alone usually, they get cosy with them. Of course they support their families/ boyfriends with money so kindly given to them by their husbands. I think Mr. Lucky may have been hinting at something like this but I am not sure. My point in all this is that since you really did not know your wife very well before marriage and because you do not know the lamguage you would not know what your wife was talking about when she spoke back home.

 

In any case please tread carefully and if you are really confident about your wife then get her away from the Phillipines. I am not sure she would be very happy with your decision to settle in her home country because she would want to settle in the West as far as my suspicions go. In any case whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best. Cheers.

 

This 100% not the case. She has relatives living in the US, and Dubai. If she didn't want me but rather to live in the Western world, she would have done that a long time ago. Also my connection with her family is very well established. I am 100% certain it has nothing to do with anything you mentioned above. Also before marrying her I made sure she wasn't like that.

 

She let me meet all her friends the second month, she always tells me where she is, she always picks up the phone, she is very open on facebook and skype. She also drinks rarely.

Her parents aren't divorced, but have been in quite some fights too. Fighting in her family seems to be normal. But no breakups there. I would say she comes from a relatively stable family.

 

I just ****ed it up by being too passive and afraid that if I would truly give her some love that she would leave me. I have to find a middle way if it's not too late already.

 

Also, it's very difficult to divorce in the Philippines. Not impossible, but very difficult and time consuming.

Edited November 14, 2016 by johnnyempec

[johnnyempec]

Actually I think this is the end.

 

I sent her a message this morning while she was at work "Call me, we need to talk," She replied an hour later "I'll call you when I can," which was around 5pm her time.

 

Usually she's done at work at 11pm, her time, she's home at 1130pm.

She never got back online after 11pm and ignored my 4 phone calls, we had an agreement that she would always tell me that she's safe home. Since she's not living in a super safe spot.