Stand ground or be paranoid?

[VeveCakes]

Listen to what other posters have said.

 

How much do you really know about each other?

 

Why the rush to marry? Why the delay in spending time together?

 

This relationship is crumbling before it is even beginning.

[johnnyempec]

Listen to what other posters have said.

 

How much do you really know about each other?

 

Why the rush to marry? Why the delay in spending time together?

 

This relationship is crumbling before it is even beginning.

 

I don't actually believe in 'love,' I think the word is made up in our modern world. I see love as 'attachment.' If you have a stone long enough in your pocket, you'll love it as well. I chose her rationally, all the things that she showed me in those months before we got married I enjoyed, we spoke a lot about our future goals and we were on the same level.

 

Before I met her I was dating like 20 other woman (incl. German women) at the same time and none of them I was seeing as marriage material.

 

Me marrying her wasn't meant to be as a rush, it was meant to be 'I will fight for you till the day I die.' Of course my fear of her leaving me eventually took over and started playing too long. I paid the price.

[johnnyempec]

Hmmm, I was getting so paranoid but apparently there was nothing wrong. I spilled my beans and explained her how I felt, she said all is okay but we should fix things now before it's too late.

 

Flying this or next week.

 

Again I'd like to thank all of you for your eye-opening replies. I understand now that my holding-back behavior is not getting me anywhere but a difficult time. Time to grow a pair and open up.

[BluesPower]

That sounds good...

 

Just remember that there is a difference between being strong and emotionally unavailable.

 

When you get back, just show her the love an attention that she deserves.

 

See what happens...

[Noirek]

It would be hard to be with someone who didn't believe there was a difference between the love one feels for a pet rock and the love one feels for their spouse. If she is on the same page as you about that then you are a match made in heaven. But if not...

 

Love has been around for a lot longer than our "modern world" if you mean 20-21st century. If you mean modern world as in the entirety of man kind than what else is there really for us humans to look at than that? Now marriage based on love is far more modern. But even that exsisted thousands of years ago for those who were privilaged enough to persue it. And I do also believe that marriages need to have rational thought too. Marriages don't fail because they are based on love. It is because they are based on limerance and selfishness and when the limerance fades the foundation isn't there.

 

But in our modern world, people desire love. And marriages based only on compatibility will fail too. Specially when coldness and games enter. Or someone else's love shows up.

 

I wish you well, and I hope you open your mind to loving your wife. And maybe read the 5 love languages.

[zuzuspetals]

This is a really tough spot for you. Don't give up. Resolve to be honest, and expect the same from her. Don't be so afraid that you can't ask her the tough questions. Pray. This site is really helpful. Check this out, and get ahold of a good counselor - they deal with this stuff all of the time, and are really good at helping sort things out. There are some problems here that can't be ironed out in a blog. But really, look at this site: https://list.ly/list/1CDy-is-your-marriage-built-on-a-solid-foundation

[Sweetfish]

Yeah. Wrong thing to say. Women hate it when you don't directly answer a question and instead give an answer that takes out most of the emotion and doesn't really focus on what they really want to know.

 

"Hell yes, I'm afraid to lose you. You mean so much to me. I can't imagine my life without you by my side. How can we make this work?"

 

That would have been a better answer

 

So, you went "looking" for a wife? This could be part of the problem.

 

 

 

Lol... looking for a wife is bad?

Edited November 15, 2016 by Sweetfish

[johnnyempec]

This is so baaaaad....

 

I called my wife late night, she picked up and we had a rough conversation, I noticed she was angry at me. I said "Haha do you hate me or something?" she said "yes kinda." Hmmm...

 

I asked if she still wanted me to come to the Philippines, she said "Up to you."

This went on for quite some time. I told her "Okay, tomorrow is my flight." She would pick me up. She told me she had to sleep. We hung up.

 

I noticed an hour later that she was popping online constantly. Like she couldn't sleep. I called her:

 

Me: "Are you okay?"

Her: "Can't sleep. Hmmm."

Me: "Had a nightmare?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "Hmmm, what was it about?"

Her: "Nothing."

Me: "Hmmm."

 

[silent for 10 seconds]

 

Her: I don't want this marriage anymore.

Me: Huh? What?

Hr: I don't want this marriage anymore.

Me: Whaaaat? Do you want to separate???

Hr: Yes

Me: Wtffffff whyyyyyy?

Hr I dont want this anymore

Me: Hmmmmm, how did this happen??

Hr: Hmmmm

Me: Did you cheat?

Hr: ...No

Me: Are you in love with someone else?

Hr: ..............no

Me: What is it then?

 

[we had a blurry conversation here]

 

Me: Are you 100% sure you want to stop?

Hr: Yes

Me: I knew something was up, I felt it for at least 2 weeks.

Hr: It's all your fault

Me: You don't love me anymore?

Hr: Of course I do.

Me: I want to fight for this...can you pick me up from the airport?

Hr: I can

 

[more silence and silly questions here]

 

Me: Are you in love with someone else?

Hr: Yes, already a month.

 

[asked her a few times who it was, if its a foreigner blabla]

 

Hr: That doesn't matter

 

Me: We're married for Gods sake! We can't just stop! We have to fight. Do you know what it means? We got married!!!!

 

[here I got a little angry and shouted a few times "**** **** ****!!! HOW THE **** COULD THIS HAPPEN!!!!"

 

I also told her here "I'm sorry that I didn't give you enough....I will do my best...I will change. You know why I didn't give you so much? I am afraid you are going to walk if I give you too much."

 

Me: Is there no love left for me?

Hr: Of course there is

Me: Can you please give me one chance?

Hr: No or I don't know [i don't remember]

Me: What the **** happened, wow Sarah, how? ****!

 

[later, we spoke both a little more calm]

 

Me: Please give me one chance okay?

Hr: I'll try

Me: Can you promise me to stop having contact with that guy?

Hr: I'll try

Me: You know it will make it only harder if you have contact with him right?

Hr: Yes, I know how it works!

Hr: I have to sleep...let's talk tomorrow.

 

 

What to do?????????? Is it realistic to fly? Is there a chance for me?

Is she asking attention here??? What is it? Damn!!!!

 

My plane is in 12h, please help me quickly

Edited November 15, 2016 by johnnyempec

[BluesPower]

You can take a shot.

 

You really don't have much to lose. Just don't be overbearing about it, and don't be a wimp.

 

Be sweet, talk calmly and see what she says.

 

You need to understand that she is sleeping with the new guy. So don't go there if you cannot deal with that.

 

Tell her calmly that you realize that you made mistakes and you are willing to try again.

 

And get her out of that third world country and show her what life can be like somewhere else.

 

If she won't stop the affair and come with you, just accept it and move on.

[Sweetfish]

I am myself to some extend, the only thing is that I'm holding back a lot when it comes to show my emotions like how much I actually miss her and how much I care about her. At the airport however we're both in tears constantly, even 2 hours before going to the airport.

Yes she knows about RSD and my RSD background. She knows that I'm like this, not sure if she realizes though. She would most likely just say "you're a pussy, just give me what I want." Haha.

 

 

 

Yup, that is what I have been doing past week, but it feels like THAT is backfiring at the moment. The more I go after her, the more distance it creates.

Might it be that she was taking more care of things at first, by showing me all her efforts, and that she is the one holding back now?

 

Like 10 days ago she also asked me "are you afraid to loose me?" I told her "I'm not taking you for granted if that is what you are asking."

 

 

 

That's because now your doing things she is not custom too. In reality you taken on the form of a method that does build attraction initially... but what those books don't tell you is the game changes once you get the girl. Her needs changes.

 

It's like Maslow hierarchy of needs... once you get the girl. You cant expect that all she wants is a push-pull method to stay with you. This is how these "schools" get the money and sell books..

 

I have women who are attracted to me because I pay them zero attention and treat them equally like any other person while other men run to their beckon call.

 

But that doesn't mean I will meet her needs in the long haul if we get together.

 

What you failed to realize is your own cockiness...these books mold men into... you cant learn love and attraction from a book, but thru experience.. I bet those same "schools" have a second book... "how to keep the girl" and a third book "now that your married how to make it last" telling you the very opposite of the first book

 

You think that not showing you love her or by not letting her in is the end game... well guess what a better looking guy will be showing her love and your screwed.

[johnnyempec]

You can take a shot.

 

You really don't have much to lose. Just don't be overbearing about it, and don't be a wimp.

 

Be sweet, talk calmly and see what she says.

 

You need to understand that she is sleeping with the new guy. So don't go there if you cannot deal with that.

 

Tell her calmly that you realize that you made mistakes and you are willing to try again.

 

And get her out of that third world country and show her what life can be like somewhere else.

 

If she won't stop the affair and come with you, just accept it and move on.

 

She didn't sleep with him she said. I told her, as long as she didn't cheat all was fine. She said "I mentally cheated, I think it's worse." I told her "For me it's not. I have experienced the same. I just stopped having contact with those girls."

 

Her "You're a LIAR!!!!"

Me "How so?"

Her "You're a damn liar!!"

Me "Who said it happened in this marriage?"

Her "Hmmm liar!"

[johnnyempec]

Is it realistic to fly?

[elaine567]

I presume you know something about your wife's personality, is she prone to being dramatic and saying stuff she doesn't mean to get you to react, or does she say what she means most of the time.

If it is the latter then this may all be too late but I guess if you really love her you have to try something.

[johnnyempec]

I presume you know something about your wife's personality, is she prone to being dramatic and saying stuff she doesn't mean to get you to react, or does she say what she means most of the time.

If it is the latter then this may all be too late but I guess if you really love her you have to try something.

 

She once lied about cheating. She's also indeed prone to when I give in that she takes the hand and uses it for a few more days. For example, one time we got into a fight, and it was my fault, but I kept hard, and eventually she came to me, when I told her "Okay sorry, it was my fault," on which she got angry, stormed out and was angry for a few days "cuz it was your fault!"

 

But this doesn't happen that often.

[elaine567]

She didn't sleep with him she said. I told her, as long as she didn't cheat all was fine. She said "I mentally cheated, I think it's worse." I told her "For me it's not. I have experienced the same. I just stopped having contact with those girls."

 

Her "You're a LIAR!!!!"

Me "How so?"

Her "You're a damn liar!!"

Me "Who said it happened in this marriage?"

Her "Hmmm liar!"

 

Oh dear, that was honest. but perhaps not very bright of you to say that in the circumstances...

Has she had reason to doubt you in the past?

[johnnyempec]

Oh dear, that was honest. but perhaps not very bright of you to say that in the circumstances...

Has she had reason to doubt you in the past?

 

Yes. I did some ****ed up **** in the past.

 

1) I hid the cam in my room, while we had sex, so other people could see us.

 

Later though, we did it on purpose, cuz she was kinda turned on by it.

 

2) I almost cheated twice, with two different girls, those girls contacted her saying I had sex with them. I refused cuz I didn't.

 

3) I once told a friend in my own language that I dated a doctor. She translated the message and found out. I kept telling her it was me bragging. But I did see the doctor a few times in our house. She knows this.

 

4) I still have contact with a few women, that she is not happy about, but they are just friends.

 

She has trust issues yes. Especially in the beginning.

[johnnyempec]

I presume you know something about your wife's personality, is she prone to being dramatic and saying stuff she doesn't mean to get you to react, or does she say what she means most of the time.

If it is the latter then this may all be too late but I guess if you really love her you have to try something.

 

Actually now that I thought about it...she tried it two or three times to pack her bags with all her clothing in it and stand in the door opening saying "I don't want this anymore." Or something similar. She has also walked out once with all her bags, and came back a day or two later.

 

One of these times I begged her to stay, cuz I don't want her to leave, but if she would, I would accept it.

[johnnyempec]

She accepted to pick me up from the airport. She said "let's talk then face-to-face," after we spoke on the phone this morning. She also mentioned a few times to find myself. I asked her if she thought I didn't love her, she said "I don't think you do....maybe you do.....yeah you probably do, I don't know, go find yourself Johnny..."

 

Can anyone here tell me that there is a good chance that all will be fine? My brother and a friend of mine told me she might just be asking attention now. She loves me but I have not given her anything for a long time...

Edited November 16, 2016 by johnnyempec

[johnnyempec]

She just messaged me on FB out of nowhere "What time will you leave Germany?"

 

I replied "In 6 hours exactly."

 

She send back a "thumps up."

 

My analytic brain starts to kick in and I feel like I should not send any more messages besides answering. Should I say something or let it go?

 

Why? Because this morning when she picked up the phone she said "Why are you calling?"

[elaine567]

I presume you are still going to the Philippines today?

[johnnyempec]

I presume you are still going to the Philippines today?

 

Absolutely. I want to fight for it. If she would say in my face "I want to separate," then I would let her go. Until then I'm going in, and listen to whatever she has to say, don't blame, don't ignore, don't play, don't beg just listen and tell her what I want and above all, try to understand her.

Edited November 16, 2016 by johnnyempec

[johnnyempec]

She is really trying to get it together. She already made clear twice that she is interested in the status of my flight. What a woman, seriously...what a woman...

[johnnyempec]

Both my brother and an old female friend (48yo) of mine say that she's not having anyone and she's just luring me out of my cave, into her arms, she is terrified that I'm going to date other woman and she feels utterly lonely. This is her way of getting me to her. It worked though, from march to immediately.

[johnnyempec]

Hmmm, she sent me a message during my flight: I am not going to pick you up, sorry.

 

It's not that big of a deal if I could read the message, I waited 2 hours, cuz it's a big place with several long floors. Eventually I logged in on someone's phone with internet, cuz there was no wifi at the exit points, reading the message. I am pretty sure that she knows I don't have internet there, but I am not sure.

 

I went to her job, but she wasn't there anymore. I called her by phone, when she picked up telling me she doesn't want to see me today, we can meet tomorrow, she needs time to think. I said "okay, that sounds fair. But that you left me there was kinda lame. Take care, talk to you later."

 

I took the taxi, and am in a hotel now. Unsure whether or not I should cancel the meeting tomorrow, cuz I don' t actually feel like seeing her after she left me for dead at the airport.

 

I was also thinking about sending her a message like "Hmmm, I don't want to meet up tomorrow. What you did last night was kinda ****ed up. You indeed need some time to think and even if you are done thinking, not sure if we'll be fine.

 

By the way I am aware of my mistakes: lack of undevided attention, emotions, and feelings of importance. Which I am willing to work on. I'll talk to you in a couple of days."

 

What do you guys think?

Edited November 17, 2016 by johnnyempec

[aileD]

I think you should have listened to us and stayed home and got a divorce.

 

Dude. It's over. It's blatantly obvious.

 

I'm sorry.