Why is he suddenly weird and cold?

[ringside]

I've been going to a cafe almost daily for the past two and a half months. My frequent trips started mid-summer when I was working really hard on something for about six weeks. I would go in at a specific time every day, such that some of the baristas recognised me.

 

One day, one of them gave me a free coffee and banana. He'd never talked to me before, so I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't think much of it, just chalked it down to good customer service.

 

After that, though, he began to make small talk with me every time I went in to get coffee. The conversations never lasted very long as I always had my coffee to go at the time, but they were always pleasant. Again, I didn't think much of it since it's completely normal for baristas to be friendly with their regular customers. But he did a few things after that which made me wonder if there was anything more going on:

 

- Towards the end of my busy summer, I didn't go to the cafe for a few days because I had to do something else somewhere else. When I went back, he commented that he hadn't seen me for a few days.

 

- On a particularly busy weekend, I stood at the back of the queue. I was looking down at my phone when suddenly I heard him say 'latte' and put down a cup of coffee in front of me. When I started to go up to the till to pay, he said it was on the house.

 

- A month after the first free coffee incident, he asked me for my name.

 

- One day, I sat in the cafe to have food and coffee. As I got up to leave, I looked over at the coffee machine to see if I could catch his eye and say bye to him, and saw that he was looking straight at me.

 

But something happened which had me convinced that I was overthinking everything. There was a day when he wasn't at the cafe when he was supposed to be working, and so I asked one of his co-workers if he was around. He was back the next day - and his behaviour was completely weird. He didn't talk to me; all he said to me was 'hi'. He spent the time that he took to make my coffee talking to the guy next to me. At the time, I took it as a sign that he realised he was inadvertently sending the wrong signals and was dialling it back. And so I decided to stop reading too much into his actions.

 

He reverted to his former friendly self as quickly as the next day: made small talk with me, noticed things like my iPhone cover, started personalising my coffee order, and even remembered my name (I don't have an English name and people usually don't remember it). But he'd never made an obvious move, and ever since that incident where he was completely weird, I'd decided that he was just doing his job (and he was really good at it) and that was it.

 

Here's where the problem arises. Two weeks ago, I met a guy for coffee in that cafe. I thought it was a date at the time, and I suppose the vibe was somewhat date-like (I later found out from a mutual friend that he has a girlfriend). The barista was there, and he even knew the guy that I had coffee with. He was his usual self when I went to get some water and he asked me how I was.

 

The next day, though, he was completely weird. He didn't say hi, he de-personalised my coffee order, he barely even looked up at me when I said bye as I left. It was the same thing the day after. I felt like I was forcing him to talk to me when I asked him why he was working on his day off; he barely looked at me as he answered my question. A week later, after he'd returned from a break, he was still weird and unfriendly: forced small talk (after I initiated conversation), even asking me what I wanted as if he didn't know, half-heartedly saying bye when I said bye to him.

 

So here's the question: what's going on? I am perplexed by his behaviour. I feel like I did something wrong but I don't know what it is; and the obvious answer seems too obvious. I honestly don't know why I care because it's not like we ever had a deep and meaningful connection, but it's been a week and I am still bothered by it. Any insight would be appreciated.

Edited November 14, 2016 by ringside

[Herbalist]

If you are interested in him, what signs have you given him throughout all of this that you are interested in him? Or is he supposed to just keeping putting himself out there indefinitely with no signs that you are interested?

[ringside]

But that's the thing; it's unclear whether he's interested. I don't want to be presumptuous and do something weird. It's literally the only decent cafe near me and I don't want to be unable to go back there!

[Satu]

If you are interested in him, let it show.

 

If you are and don't, he will lose interest in you.

 

 

Take care.

[Kamille]

But that's the thing; it's unclear whether he's interested. I don't want to be presumptuous and do something weird. It's literally the only decent cafe near me and I don't want to be unable to go back there!

 

Do you flirt back? Do you ask him about himself? Do you find ways to touch him? Do you lean in when he talks to you?

 

Giving a sign of interest isn't doing something weird. It's just signalling that you'd be open to something more if he is.

 

Giving him that sign is the only thing that will help stop you analyzing every interaction. There could be so much more going on his life that explains his behaviour. If you are interested, find a way to let him know you are. See if he asks you out. If he doesn't you have your answer and you can move on.

[ringside]

If you are interested in him, let it show.

 

If you are and don't, he will lose interest in you.

 

 

Take care.

 

Do you flirt back? Do you ask him about himself? Do you find ways to touch him? Do you lean in when he talks to you?

 

Giving a sign of interest isn't doing something weird. It's just signalling that you'd be open to something more if he is.

 

Giving him that sign is the only thing that will help stop you analyzing every interaction. There could be so much more going on his life that explains his behaviour. If you are interested, find a way to let him know you are. See if he asks you out. If he doesn't you have your answer and you can move on.

 

Thanks guys. Before he started being weird and unfriendly he'd initiated almost all the conversations, though I did ask him about his life and about him. I'm terrible at dropping hints and giving signals and flirting; I'm usually very direct. But this situation doesn't allow for directness, I think, as it could get really awkward!

 

But thanks for the advice. I'll take it on board!

[spiderowl]

At a guess:

 

He liked you and was paying you special attention and looking for a sign from you that you liked him back.

 

The time he was weird, he was being careful not to give anything way to his co-worker (who may even have been his boss).

 

He saw you on a date with someone he knew and thought, 'that's it, she's not interested in me'.

 

Now he doesn't know how he should be and he is wondering if you are still dating that guy.

 

He was hurt you were dating the other guy right under his nose. To add insult to injury, it was a guy he knew too.

 

He might still be interested but would need a clear sign from you that you are interested in him and not dating the other guy. But, he could have felt upset enough that he has switched off now.

[preraph]

It sounds like he likes you but whether it's as a favorite customer or romantic interest is hard to say. I guess since he acted weird after you had a date with a friend, that points to him being interested.

 

I have to add though that sometimes managers are restaurants are given a few comps to hand out to good customers. My favorite restaurant, where I tip well and am usually there alone and am friendly to servers, had comped my entire meal a dozen times or more. The managers have that privilege, and two of them have regularly comped me. Even just the servers have some latitude and have comped me a tea or a dessert or an appetizer at times.

 

And I am a fat 64 year-old woman. So none of these are anything except friendly and showing appreciation for me as a customer and good tipper.

 

That said, there is NO HARM in just asking his name and asking what he does when he's not working and flirting with him and making it easier for him if he is wanting to ask you out. I mean, I talk to servers all the time and I am not hitting on them at all. It's fine to talk to him and be friendly and interested. You might ask him if he's going to some public happening sometime and mention you'll be there.

 

 

Good luck.

[ringside]

At a guess:

 

He liked you and was paying you special attention and looking for a sign from you that you liked him back.

 

The time he was weird, he was being careful not to give anything way to his co-worker (who may even have been his boss).

 

He saw you on a date with someone he knew and thought, 'that's it, she's not interested in me'.

 

Now he doesn't know how he should be and he is wondering if you are still dating that guy.

 

He was hurt you were dating the other guy right under his nose. To add insult to injury, it was a guy he knew too.

 

He might still be interested but would need a clear sign from you that you are interested in him and not dating the other guy. But, he could have felt upset enough that he has switched off now.

 

Thanks for the reply. If that's what happened, then that makes me sad. During the six weeks that I was busy working on something, stressed out of my mind, he was one of the few things that made me smile. Maybe that's why this bothers me so much...

 

I don't know what sign I can give though. I'm quite hesitant to talk to him these days because he's not that forthcoming anymore, and so I usually just do nothing. I'm REALLY bad at this!

[ringside]

It sounds like he likes you but whether it's as a favorite customer or romantic interest is hard to say. I guess since he acted weird after you had a date with a friend, that points to him being interested.

 

I have to add though that sometimes managers are restaurants are given a few comps to hand out to good customers. My favorite restaurant, where I tip well and am usually there alone and am friendly to servers, had comped my entire meal a dozen times or more. The managers have that privilege, and two of them have regularly comped me. Even just the servers have some latitude and have comped me a tea or a dessert or an appetizer at times.

 

And I am a fat 64 year-old woman. So none of these are anything except friendly and showing appreciation for me as a customer and good tipper.

 

That said, there is NO HARM in just asking his name and asking what he does when he's not working and flirting with him and making it easier for him if he is wanting to ask you out. I mean, I talk to servers all the time and I am not hitting on them at all. It's fine to talk to him and be friendly and interested. You might ask him if he's going to some public happening sometime and mention you'll be there.

 

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for your reply! The thing is, I've met three other guys for coffee there before coffee with this particular guy: two were my friends and one was my ex. Barista didn't know who they were to me and he could've assumed that they were dates, but he didn't act any differently after those times. It was this particular guy that he knew that seemed to have made a difference.

 

I know it's sometimes part of customer service, and so I didn't read anything into his actions at first, and later chose not to read anything into it. I assumed he was just really good at his job and made me feel special even though I wasn't, and that he wasn't interested in me at all - which is why I was so surprised and perplexed when he became so different after coffee with that guy!

 

We'd been having regular short conversations over the past two months, so I know his name and I know what he gets up to sometimes. I actually remember a lot of the things that he's told me even though I have recently given the impression that I don't. I am initiating conversations more these days but I keep getting the feeling that he would really rather not talk to me.