I need some serious guidance. Boyfriend cheats!

[acsentu8]

I really need some advice, an objective point of view, from complete strangers who will hopefully not judge me too harshly...

I've been in an on again/off again relationship for two years with my boyfriend. He is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law..3 DUIs, possession of weed, etc. But he is functioning (kinda) and has his own handyman business. He does go to bars almost every day to hang out with his friends. I lived with him for 3 months when we first met and I'd go with him. The bars he goes to are dives and not classy. He does have a really big heart and he's very sweet to me. But! There's always these buts...

He always makes excuses as to why he won't come pick me up on the weekend. I live 30 minutes away and my car is broken down, so I rely on him to come see me. This weekend was the first time I've seen him in 3 weeks.

We had a really nice time...he took me out last night, came home to what he calls his room "our room", took me out to eat for lunch today, etc. It was very romantic. He has been telling me he loves me all the time and I feel he really does. He claims he wants to "end up" with me...and he has told me he has a fear of commitment, but he does see a future with me.

So anyways, when he was taking a shower this morning, I was looking for my rings that fell on the side of the bed..and as I was doing that, I found a BRA!!!! It was not there the last time I had been over. So I confronted him when he got out of the shower. He said..are you sure that's not your bra?? I said NO WAY! He then chunked it in his trash can. We proceeded to leave for lunch and the whole time we were out, he was complaining of a stomach ache. Can you say physical signs of guilt? Bras don't just magically appear. After lunch, he brought me back to my house. So, I got to see him for a night and an afternoon since three weeks ago...and he's supposed to be my boyfriend and he claims me as his girlfriend. I love his family and they love me. We have a history. We've been thru so much stuff together...funerals, Christmas family gatherings, everything. But I have done so many things to try and break it off with him like change my number, ignore his texts and calls...I just can't go thru with it for more than 4 days or so. I know I'm codependent and he is too....obviously. I ignored him for 4 days and he called me 29 times and wrote 27 texts. I gave in.

NOW...I find this mystery bra. Which tells me he's lied to me some nights, gone to the bar, picked someone up...or has another girlfriend and is playing us both. He seemed very distraught today, like he feels he really messed up what we have. A few hours after he dropped me off today, I sent him a text, reassuring him that I do love him and that he means the world to me. He has not responded. I would like to know what I should do about this. Leave him for good? Or forgive him once again? He has cheated in the past, but I always take him back and brush it off as "he has a fear of commitment", which was planted early in my mind by him. Should I change my number again or just ignore him? Should I kill him with kindness and show him I truly love him and accept him the way he is? I know alcohol is not an excuse, but he does drink ALOT and you can get crazy and inhibited when that happens. I know he does love me, but to a point. A point where he keeps me at arms length, but always says he wants me with him all the time. A point where he's not reliable with communication to me sometimes. I can't explain everything, but I'm sure this will be enough information to go on. When I try to break it off with him, I feel like I've abandoned my child. Oh, we are both 45 years old and we both have no children. Can you all shed some light please? What would you do in my situation??

[Poutrew]

You are too old to be playing these teenage games with him. He is too old to change - this is who he is. Dump him and then get yourself checked for STDs.

[aileD]

He's a cheater and an alcoholic

 

Love is great but those are deal breakers for marriage and kids.

 

What's your end game? If your looking for a life partner he's not ideal.

 

Even if he stops cheating...he's an alcoholic. Unless he deals with that why would you marry it?

[acsentu8]

I am absolutely judging you. You're a fool. Get out before he gives you multiple STDs!!!

 

Thank you. I needed the motivation to do this.

Just texted him and told him the buck stops here. I'm not changing my number. I feel like I did the right thing and now, to be strong.

Thank you!

[acsentu8]

You're 45???? What on earth happened to you to make you like this??

Alot....codependency can make you latch on to everything wrong.

Been thru 3 divorces. After my first husband left me after 12 years, I've never been able to find anything better. It's sad.

[l8estnews]

Thank you. I needed the motivation to do this.

Just texted him and told him the buck stops here. I'm not changing my number. I feel like I did the right thing and now, to be strong.

Thank you!

 

I was about to be harsh and judge you too but I saw this reply.

 

Good job, girl! 45 is too old to play these kinds of games but NOT OLD to find what you deserve. Keep your chin up, be sexy, feel sexy (because YOU ARE) and find a guy who will respect you.

[Space Ritual]

I really need some advice, an objective point of view, from complete strangers who will hopefully not judge me too harshly...

I've been in an on again/off again relationship for two years with my boyfriend. He is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law..3 DUIs, possession of weed, etc. But he is functioning (kinda) and has his own handyman business. He does go to bars almost every day to hang out with his friends. I lived with him for 3 months when we first met and I'd go with him. The bars he goes to are dives and not classy. He does have a really big heart and he's very sweet to me. But! There's always these buts...

He always makes excuses as to why he won't come pick me up on the weekend. I live 30 minutes away and my car is broken down, so I rely on him to come see me. This weekend was the first time I've seen him in 3 weeks.

We had a really nice time...he took me out last night, came home to what he calls his room "our room", took me out to eat for lunch today, etc. It was very romantic. He has been telling me he loves me all the time and I feel he really does. He claims he wants to "end up" with me...and he has told me he has a fear of commitment, but he does see a future with me.

So anyways, when he was taking a shower this morning, I was looking for my rings that fell on the side of the bed..and as I was doing that, I found a BRA!!!! It was not there the last time I had been over. So I confronted him when he got out of the shower. He said..are you sure that's not your bra?? I said NO WAY! He then chunked it in his trash can. We proceeded to leave for lunch and the whole time we were out, he was complaining of a stomach ache. Can you say physical signs of guilt? Bras don't just magically appear. After lunch, he brought me back to my house. So, I got to see him for a night and an afternoon since three weeks ago...and he's supposed to be my boyfriend and he claims me as his girlfriend. I love his family and they love me. We have a history. We've been thru so much stuff together...funerals, Christmas family gatherings, everything. But I have done so many things to try and break it off with him like change my number, ignore his texts and calls...I just can't go thru with it for more than 4 days or so. I know I'm codependent and he is too....obviously. I ignored him for 4 days and he called me 29 times and wrote 27 texts. I gave in.

NOW...I find this mystery bra. Which tells me he's lied to me some nights, gone to the bar, picked someone up...or has another girlfriend and is playing us both. He seemed very distraught today, like he feels he really messed up what we have. A few hours after he dropped me off today, I sent him a text, reassuring him that I do love him and that he means the world to me. He has not responded. I would like to know what I should do about this. Leave him for good? Or forgive him once again? He has cheated in the past, but I always take him back and brush it off as "he has a fear of commitment", which was planted early in my mind by him. Should I change my number again or just ignore him? Should I kill him with kindness and show him I truly love him and accept him the way he is? I know alcohol is not an excuse, but he does drink ALOT and you can get crazy and inhibited when that happens. I know he does love me, but to a point. A point where he keeps me at arms length, but always says he wants me with him all the time. A point where he's not reliable with communication to me sometimes. I can't explain everything, but I'm sure this will be enough information to go on. When I try to break it off with him, I feel like I've abandoned my child. Oh, we are both 45 years old and we both have no children. Can you all shed some light please? What would you do in my situation??

 

I am in my early fifties but I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety under my belt.

 

I just want to say to you that you share no blame in this at all. You've done nothing wrong.

 

He sounds a bit like me back in my drinking and drugging days with the exception of cheating. I led a pretty promiscuous and violent life at that time, but I was always single when I undertook the promiscuity. But that is beside the point.

 

You are an escape to him, an escape from himself. That is why the visits are so infrequent. But the escape you provide is always a temporary one. He has the pull of the bar, the booze and the life that comes with it. He know he should get sober and knows that the other shoe is ready to drop at any time, but as usual, he will cross that bridge when he arrives at it.

 

I can feel the pain in your words. And I know how it is. My addiction when it was in full Space Ritual Mode was so destructive I lost a lot of friends and people who loved me through no fault of their own, for it was my fault. And even doing a 4 years stretch in the joint didn't make me see the light. I started right where i left off the minute I got sprung.

 

I had to hit total rock bottom and lose just about every thing I had left to lose before I got the message. I was a walking disaster that would rival anything Charles Bukowski could come up with.

 

I am afraid your boyfriend has yet to hit rock bottom. I am also going to tell you that the best possible act of kindness you can show him right now is to let him hit rock bottom. And as much as you may disagree with me, that means you have to dump him.

 

In order to save a relationship you must be willing to lose it.

 

He will continue his behavior as long as people knowingly or unknowingly enable him. But you certainly do not want to be drug down with him. Nor should you have to be.

 

Again, I am sorry but really the best thing you could do is show him consequences for his actions and get rid of him. If an addict has no consequences, there is really no motivation for said addict to arrive at a point where they really desire to change their behavior.

 

I relapsed numerous times and burned what seemed like every bridge on the map before I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired, and made the effort to stop. I had nothing more to lose. It has not been easy because the same challenges of life show up every day. I just have been on a 20+ year campaign of better coping with those challenges.

 

Maybe he will clean up his act, or maybe he will sink further down into the gutter but it's not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

I''m very sorry and can truly empathize with what you are dealing with.

[acsentu8]

Wow, thank you for this!!! I feel good this morning. Slept good. I think it will be easier to get over him than I thought. Just going to take time. I have glimpses of peace. Last night, I came to grips with all the facts about him swirling in my head. It was a release. And now to heal!

[acsentu8]

 

You are an escape to him, an escape from himself. That is why the visits are so infrequent. But the escape you provide is always a temporary one. He has the pull of the bar, the booze and the life that comes with it. He know he should get sober and knows that the other shoe is ready to drop at any time, but as usual, he will cross that bridge when he arrives at it.

 

 

And this is where the tears came down. I finally have an answer. YES!!!! This is it!!! I am an escape. I already knew I was an enabler....but the escape really hits the nail on the head. OMG. Thank you so much!!!

Kinda in a sense, he is an escape for me too. He rids me of the mundane, quiet, small town life I live. OMG. Lightbulb on!

Thank you Space Ritual. I'm glad you found sobriety. I pray he does too.

[BluesPower]

I really get the codependency, I am/was the same way with my wife and kids. This is something that you are going to have to get over yourself.

 

And it is really hard, I want to tell you, but it is so worth it. Start reading up on in and working through some of the information.

 

If at all possible, you need to get into some therapy.

 

As far as your BF, you know that he is a liar and a cheater. You need to get yourself checked like everyone said.

 

Think about this, you realize that you have a problem with codependency, so do you think you are in any position to fix someone else when you know that you have work to do on yourself.

 

If you were the most emotionally healthy person in the world, you would not be able to fix someone with addiction problems, never.

 

If you were healthy, you would be able to realize it and get out of the relationship.

 

And, that is what you need to do...