He's threatened to kill himself if we break up. [UPDATE: is this fair behavior?]

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I really don't know if I want to be with my fiancé. A few times lately I've spoken to him about splitting up but he simply won't accept it.

 

 

We've only been together since January (well officially dating since March 2016) and things have moved so fast. He moved into my house within about 6 weeks of dating. I know it's all so fast but at the time it seemed 'right'.

 

 

He's Italian and I'm English and there really is a big cultural/language issue sometimes. Often he can't understand what I'm saying so I have to repeat myself often or explain it a different way. I try and be patience but I'm not the most patience person.

 

 

I am trying to learn Italian but he doesn't help me at all. I'm now taking classes at college which is fine.

 

 

The cultural things I've noticed are perhaps more his upbringing than culture. He is very racist and rude about people. He does this to strangers and has made comments about my friends. He always says he is 'joking' but I don't find it funny. I have told him this but he says I need to lighten up!

 

 

He has previously used drugs and I have told him this has to stop. He has stopped but he still talks about taking drugs in the future. I don't think he would be I still hate these talks about it. He has finally admitted that he is/was addicted. He wouldn't accept any help with stop taking it as he doesn't see it as a problem but I can see how nervous he is now.

 

 

He also gambles as a hobby. He works in a casino so for him it's an acceptable hobby. He usually is able to control the amount he bets but last weekend he lost £500 (which he doesn't have!). He said he has learnt from his mistakes and won't lose control again.

 

 

It feels like as soon as we get one issue under control, there the is another one.

 

 

The problem is he loves me so much and I truly don't want to hurt him. I care about him dearly and I do love him but I feel like I'm always nagging him. It's exhausting!

 

 

He is four years younger than me so it feels like we want different things sometimes. After work I want to relax and maybe watch TV but on his days off he needs entertaining. It's like having a child. I have to make sure we have something planned otherwise he gets bored and then starts doing things on purpose to annoy me.

 

 

We have spoken about everything. I've told him exactly how I feel, I've even said I think we should split up. He laughs it off as though I'm being a drama queen and nothings wrong.

 

 

I honestly don't know how he can be happy with how things are. He usually works nights so we only see each other at the weekend currently and at the moment I dread it. There's always something that happens.

 

 

It all sounds so bad but it's so difficult knowing what the right thing is to do. At this moment in time, I can't see a happy secure future with him but maybe things will change.

 

 

I feel like I'm suffocating and need some space but if I ask him for this, I know he will punish me and go drinking and possible use drugs. He completely loses control when he does either of these things.

 

 

I just don't know how I can see what is the right thing to do...

 

 

Any tips would be appreciated - thanks.

[ExpatInItaly]

I live in Italy and the guy you are describing would not pass muster with most Italian women! His racism is a reflection of his crappy attitude and closed-mindedness in general, too. Lazy, ignorant men-children are not viewed well in Italian society. Men are generally expected to be much more dominant in the family, the providers, and his sorry arse would not fly. So don't let him use culture as an excuse.

 

He doesn't want to break up because then where would he go? You are being used, OP. He is a grown man who can and should look after himself. You don't need his permission to break up with him; just tell him this relationship will not continue and he has until X-date to get his stuff and get out.

 

Whatever you do, do not marry him.

[Mittens]

When he's at work, get all his stuff together, and get the locks changed. Send him a text saying he's got until *end of work time* to get his stuff or it will be waiting outside the front door.

 

Nobody can stop you breaking up with them. Once one person decides a relationship is over, it is over. If he tries to kick up a fuss, call the Police. You aren't married to him, I assume he's not on your lease so he has no rights.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I live in Italy and the guy you are describing would not pass muster with most Italian women! His racism is a reflection of his crappy attitude and closed-mindedness in general, too. Lazy, ignorant men-children are not viewed well in Italian society. Men are generally expected to be much more dominant in the family, the providers, and his sorry arse would not fly. So don't let him use culture as an excuse.

 

He doesn't want to break up because then where would he go? You are being used, OP. He is a grown man who can and should look after himself. You don't need his permission to break up with him; just tell him this relationship will not continue and he has until X-date to get his stuff and get out.

 

Whatever you do, do not marry him.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. Don't worry, I won't be marrying him. I'm not even wearing the ring anymore.

 

 

He says everything is a 'joke' but I've tried to explain normal people do not always make nasty jokes out of people.

 

 

He acts completely differently when we visit Italy and he is in front of his father and family.

 

 

I hate the thought of hurting him as I know he does care about me but it is such a toxic relationship.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

When he's at work, get all his stuff together, and get the locks changed. Send him a text saying he's got until *end of work time* to get his stuff or it will be waiting outside the front door.

 

Nobody can stop you breaking up with them. Once one person decides a relationship is over, it is over. If he tries to kick up a fuss, call the Police. You aren't married to him, I assume he's not on your lease so he has no rights.

 

 

The house is completely mine so he has no rights. I'm just an idiot as I don't want to see him lost. Her has no money until he gets paid at the end of the month. I know it's not my responsibility but I still care about him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Thanks for the reply. Don't worry, I won't be marrying him. I'm not even wearing the ring anymore.

 

He says everything is a 'joke' but I've tried to explain normal people do not always make nasty jokes out of people.

 

He acts completely differently when we visit Italy and he is in front of his father and family.

 

I hate the thought of hurting him as I know he does care about me but it is such a toxic relationship.

 

The house is completely mine so he has no rights. I'm just an idiot as I don't want to see him lost. Her has no money until he gets paid at the end of the month. I know it's not my responsibility but I still care about him.

 

Make no mistake, he's a hateful bigot. Don't let your fear cloud your judgment. He needs to go. HE is holding you emotionally hostage to this relationship. I fear that he may, if he hasn't already, become more controlling and abusive, so get out now!Yeah, he has a lot to lose and he knows it.

 

You didn't see these signs before getting engaged?

 

You both moved too quickly. You, likely b/c of a yearning to be in a relationship and him, b/c he wanted to the advantage of a local woman willing to provide for him....is he hoping or seeking citizenship? I'm speculating too much...

 

If you need to, get your friends and authorities involved. One way or another, get him out.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Make no mistake, he's a hateful bigot. Don't let your fear cloud your judgment. He needs to go. HE is holding you emotionally hostage to this relationship. I fear that he may, if he hasn't already, become more controlling and abusive, so get out now!Yeah, he has a lot to lose and he knows it.

 

You didn't see these signs before getting engaged?

 

You both moved too quickly. You, likely b/c of a yearning to be in a relationship and him, b/c he wanted to the advantage of a local woman willing to provide for him....is he hoping or seeking citizenship? I'm speculating too much...

 

If you need to, get your friends and authorities involved. One way or another, get him out.

 

 

It's been a complete whirlwind. I am very independent so I am happy to be on my own but then he came along and was so affectionate and caring that I forgot what it felt like.

 

 

I have no idea why he proposed so soon. It's absolutely crazy!! It was all very romantic but I still knew it wasn't ideal. There's no talk of a wedding any time soon so I'm not being pushed into anything.

 

 

The probably is he is a spoilt child. He has always been used to getting his own way and that doesn't work with me. He has changed a lot since we've been together. He knows the drugs can't continue, and he has stopped. And hopefully he's seen the error with the gambling but I feel more like a mother than a fiancée.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's been a complete whirlwind. I am very independent so I am happy to be on my own but then he came along and was so affectionate and caring that I forgot what it felt like.

 

 

I have no idea why he proposed so soon. It's absolutely crazy!! It was all very romantic but I still knew it wasn't ideal. There's no talk of a wedding any time soon so I'm not being pushed into anything.

 

 

The probably is he is a spoilt child. He has always been used to getting his own way and that doesn't work with me. He has changed a lot since we've been together. He knows the drugs can't continue, and he has stopped. And hopefully he's seen the error with the gambling but I feel more like a mother than a fiancée.

 

He is BAD NEWS. DRUGS AND GAMBLING! Get him out!

 

He proposed so soon b/c he has an agenda. Some con-men lure and entrap ladies by impressing then proposing, never to actually follow-through or if so, for some ulterior motive. Citizenship, financial support, etc. While engaged, the guy settles in doing only enough to keep you emotionally invested while doing the deed. Classic, common and unfortunate, of course. He has a drug and gambling issue...addiction personality. This guy is going to take you down if you don't get rid of him.

 

You should get that ring appraised. See if it's real and the value...another con...give fake or low-valued ring knowing that fiancee will never check.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

He is BAD NEWS. DRUGS AND GAMBLING! Get him out!

 

He proposed so soon b/c he has an agenda. Some con-men lure and entrap ladies by impressing then proposing, never to actually follow-through or if so, for some ulterior motive. Citizenship, financial support, etc. While engaged, the guy settles in doing only enough to keep you emotionally invested while doing the deed. Classic, common and unfortunate, of course. He has a drug and gambling issue...addiction personality. This guy is going to take you down if you don't get rid of him.

 

You should get that ring appraised. See if it's real and the value...another con...give fake or low-valued ring knowing that fiancee will never check.

 

 

I appreciate you replying but some of the things are not the case for me.

 

 

The ring, I know is 100% real. I was in the jewellery's choosing the band and I have the certificate for the diamond. I don't care about the ring those, if we break up then he gets it back.

 

 

He is genuinely trying to sort himself out. He has stopped taking drugs and now says he has stopped gambling but for me it feels like the damage is already done.

 

 

He seems to think you can 'reset' your mind and ease the bad things and focus on the future. I can't do that. I have emotions and more importantly, logic.

 

 

The proposal thing still utterly baffles me. I know he will be mortified if we split up. He is very much an image man so he won't like having to tell people he's failed.

 

 

I just don't know what I'm doing. I know I've given up on him so why am I still waiting around...?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I appreciate you replying but some of the things are not the case for me.

 

The ring, I know is 100% real. I was in the jewellery's choosing the band and I have the certificate for the diamond. I don't care about the ring those, if we break up then he gets it back.

 

He is genuinely trying to sort himself out. He has stopped taking drugs and now says he has stopped gambling but for me it feels like the damage is already done.

 

He seems to think you can 'reset' your mind and ease the bad things and focus on the future. I can't do that. I have emotions and more importantly, logic.

 

The proposal thing still utterly baffles me. I know he will be mortified if we split up. He is very much an image man so he won't like having to tell people he's failed.

 

I just don't know what I'm doing. I know I've given up on him so why am I still waiting around...?

 

I don't know a gambler who simply stops, cold-turkey. As far as you know, he's stopped. So many online options now days.

 

The proposal baffles you b/c it doesn't add up. Your "gut" tells you that there is something WRONG. Not that you are not a great catch, rather, the speed, circumstances to which it came.

 

You're waiting around b/c you are afraid to do what needs to be done...you're hoping it will sort itself out, but it won't. You need to be pro-active. Get support from your family and friends...the law if you have to.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I don't know a gambler who simply stops, cold-turkey. As far as you know, he's stopped. So many online options now days.

 

The proposal baffles you b/c it doesn't add up. Your "gut" tells you that there is something WRONG. Not that you are not a great catch, rather, the speed, circumstances to which it came.

 

You're waiting around b/c you are afraid to do what needs to be done...you're hoping it will sort itself out, but it won't. You need to be pro-active. Get support from your family and friends...the law if you have to.

 

Thank you. I know you're right. Time to take charge...

[Toodaloo]

I know some Italian men and they treat their wives and girlfriends like queens.

 

They would not do drugs or gamble as they would not waste their money on such things when they could be taking their loved ones out for meals or spoiling them in some way...

 

All the decent guys I know (Italian or not) would tell you to ditch this guy.

 

Tell him now it is over and move him to the sofa. Tell him you want him gone by the end of the month.

 

At the end of the month pack up his things and leave them outside your door. Change the locks if he has not already gone.

 

This whole situation will only get worse if you allow it to continue.

 

No Italian woman would put up with this.

[Miss Clavel]

tell him nothing beforehand. change the locks, pack his things, put them in a storeage and pay for a month or so. mail him the key to the storeage with the receipt and the ring. insure the envelope and have him sign for it at the post office.

 

do this near the time of him getting paid.

 

if you tip your hand before the locks are changed, he may get violent.

 

have him out.

 

if you change your mind and he changes his behavior then you can start at the beginning and "date" him.

 

but i wouldn't tell him that.

 

i'd tell him the truth, over the phone, not in person, "it's the age difference'', "i'm a homebody and you're still young and want excitement", "you deserve a woman that wants the same things as you, you shouldn't have to change your whole life for me".

 

keep repeating the same phrases till he realizes that you are not going to change your mind. and he can't make you.

 

good luck

[mikeylo]

You have all the control here , only if you want to make use of it. Pack his stuff and keep outside for him to collect. If you are that worried about him, keep some money in an envelope but that's it. Since he gambles, just know that the money will go there and not to use for good purpose.

 

How old are you ? He is using you, in case you haven't figured out yet.

[aj2124]

 

 

It feels like as soon as we get one issue under control, there the is another one.

 

 

 

 

I don't see this pattern changing. And you should not expect to change someone over time. The same things that bother you now will continue to be issues. It sounds like things have moved very fast. He may laugh off your attempts to end the relationship but that doesn't mean you should just ignore the problem. You say that the reason for staying is that you love each other. Really loving someone means that you respect them and take things seriously.

[chiefbwette]

but it is such a toxic relationship.

 

"Toxic relationship" That and i mean that.. should be the only point. Well i know you care, but shouldn't you care about you first?

 

Many of the elements you described about him (drugs, gambling, rude jokes about people of your culture) are signs of an abusive partner in the making. That's how many abusive relationships begin. Abusive partners are very loving and caring people in the beginning but observed carefully, signs are always every where around them.

 

I should say you are luck to have analyzed his behaviors before its too late.

The feature does not look promising for this relationship and i think you need to end it while you still can. Remember you said, i quote "but it is such a toxic relationship"

[dreamingoftigers]

You seem to be more concerned with his embarrassment and unwanted feelings than your own feelings of self-preservation.

 

I get it.

 

I have the same issue and it kept me in an abusive, cheating marriage for a decade.

 

Because I couldn't "humiliate and reject him."

 

But I should have. I should have left permanently right away when I first found out about any of his issues. Even though I was eight months pregnant.

 

The humiliation for me only got worse and yes, I thought he loved me too. But love isn't supposed to be embarrassing and leeching.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Thanks for the replies. Hearing them does help me.

 

 

We have a weekend booked away this weekend. I'll go, I know we'll have a nice time but I think it'll be a good time to talk to him and make him realise how bad he is being.

 

 

I know things won't change. I guess I'm biding my time a bit. I've been through some really bad things in life so I know when things are not right but it's difficult walking away sometimes.

 

 

We all just want to be loved but I know this isn't healthy. I'm too independent to feel this restricted.

[marky00]

As a word of advise,

 

 

Tell him straight up one more time how you feel. But use a tone that will gain his attention.

 

 

Being a guy myself and being blindsided by a breakup with not one hint of discontentment is the worst type of breakup for a guy.

 

 

Guys do appreciate an honest chance at fixing things. we are fixers and yes, us guys reset to zero quite easy unlike you ladies. We don't keep score cards, we just want to fix and move it forwards.

 

 

I realise you have been trying to let him know how you feel. Now its time to bring the big gun's out and give it one last real crack.

 

 

This may seem exhausting to you but if you do breakup you will feel better for knowing you warned as much as you could and also he will have less licence to feel hard done since he will remember your serious warning.

Edited October 18, 2016 by marky00

[confusedgirlfriend11]

As a word of advise,

 

 

Tell him straight up one more time how you feel. But use a tone that will gain his attention.

 

 

Being a guy myself and being blindsided by a breakup with not one hint of discontentment is the worst type of breakup for a guy.

 

 

Guys do appreciate an honest chance at fixing things. we are fixers and yes, us guys reset to zero quite easy unlike you ladies. We don't keep score cards, we just want to fix and move it forwards.

 

 

I realise you have been trying to let him know how you feel. Now its time to bring the big gun's out and give it one last real crack.

 

 

This may seem exhausting to you but if you do breakup you will feel better for knowing you warned as much as you could and also he will have less licence to feel hard done since he will remember your serious warning.

 

It's great hearing a guys point of view - thanks.

 

 

I have been 100% honest with him and how I feel. I have said we should break up a few times, admittedly whilst in the heat of an argument.

 

 

It baffles me the being able to reset to zero. I'm far too emotional to just 'forget' what happened. And the issue is, it's affected how I feel towards him now.

 

 

I feel bad because he has changed a lot. He's stopped the drugs, he's stopped the gambling and he is trying to be better but in my mind I just think 'what next?'.

 

 

You're right if I speak to him calming and be clear at least then he we walk away, I know I was 100% honest and tried.

[marky00]

Yes making points in the heat of an argument isn't going to work.

 

 

I think women tally up emotional wrongs over time and they accumulate. Guys don't forget about the wrongs done to them or wrongs they have done to their partner, but rather than tallying up and accumulating, guys would prefer to fix and reset wherever possible.

 

 

This is why so many male dumpees are stunned when their relationship ends because in their eyes, it was totally fixable.

 

 

Guys also over time in a RS tend to settle-in (become a little complacent) whilst women feel the right to show their real emotions more (anger or w/e). No wonder so many breakups happen. That's a lethal combo.

Edited October 18, 2016 by marky00

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Yes making points in the heat of an argument isn't going to work.

 

 

I think women tally up emotional wrongs over time and they accumulate. Guys don't forget about the wrongs done to them or wrongs they have done to their partner, but rather than tallying up and accumulating, guys would prefer to fix and reset wherever possible.

 

 

This is why so many male dumpees are stunned when their relationship ends because in their eyes, it was totally fixable.

 

 

Guys also over time in a RS tend to settle-in (become a little complacent) whilst women feel the right to show their real emotions more (anger or w/e). No wonder so many breakups happen. That's a lethal combo.

 

 

This is so insightful - thanks!! It's funny as we all have emotions but everyone reacts differently to them.

[elaine567]

Yes making points in the heat of an argument isn't going to work.

 

 

I think women tally up emotional wrongs over time and they accumulate. Guys don't forget about the wrongs done to them or wrongs they have done to their partner, but rather than tallying up and accumulating, guys would prefer to fix and reset wherever possible.

 

 

This is why so many male dumpees are stunned when their relationship ends because in their eyes, it was totally fixable.

 

I agree many men feel that once the argument is over and she stops speaking it is fixed, but some men can browbeat women into submission in arguments, so when she says it is Fine, it is not fine only she is keeping the peace or trying not to rock boats.

He goes away thinking both are happy, he was right and all is well with the world, she goes away unhappy and builds resentment. Next time she brings it up, is when she is walking out the door...

 

Here she told him it was over, he ignored her completely and carried on as normal, her opinion counted for naught. That I feel is a big red flag.

 

Listen to chiefbwette, I agree I think you have an abusive partner in the making.

Get out whilst you still can.

Make sure you are meticulous with your contraception, the last thing YOU need is to bring a baby into this mess.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I agree many men feel that once the argument is over and she stops speaking it is fixed, but some men can browbeat women into submission in arguments, so when she says it is Fine, it is not fine only she is keeping the peace or trying not to rock boats.

He goes away thinking both are happy, he was right and all is well with the world, she goes away unhappy and builds resentment. Next time she brings it up, is when she is walking out the door...

 

Here she told him it was over, he ignored her completely and carried on as normal, her opinion counted for naught. That I feel is a big red flag.

 

Listen to chiefbwette, I agree I think you have an abusive partner in the making.

Get out whilst you still can.

Make sure you are meticulous with your contraception, the last thing YOU need is to bring a baby into this mess.

 

 

Thanks for your opinion. I assure you 100% there will be no mistake babies on my part!!

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I know it's so bad and an invasion of privacy but I am guilty of occasionally looking through my partners phone.

 

 

It's not that I think I'll find him texting other girls, well he does that any way but they are friends/colleagues and that doesn't bother me.

 

 

Basically, I looked and saw him asking someone whether they still sell meow meow (drugs). I didn't even know it was a drug so had to look it up.

 

 

We've argued in the past about drugs and I know he took coke and he's promised never to take it again so I have no idea why he is asking if someone sells this drug.

 

 

Part of me thinks maybe he is asking for someone else but equally I just don't know.

 

 

The question is how can I raise something that I've found from snooping?

 

 

I'm bad for looking but I don't want to be with someone who takes drugs. We're on the verge of splitting up any way but I feel like I need to ask what's going on!!