He's threatened to kill himself if we break up. [UPDATE: is this fair behavior?]

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

I have told him he is being very manipulative and I've said what he said is the worse possible thing.

 

 

I said I feel like I can't leave him now through fear of him carrying out his threats. I told him I now feel trapped and I hope he's happy. He said he wasn't but still didn't accept the end.

 

 

I know I need to contact his father but I'm actually scared of what he will do when he finds out.

[Herbalist]

Report him to the authorities.

 

There are 2 categories that people who threaten suicide fall into:

 

1. Evil people who will use the good in you as a weapon against you. These people are quite literally soul destroying and deserve no mercy.

 

2. People who are actually suicidal and are crying out for help. These people are at risk for suicide and deserve the help they need.

 

Either way, the appropriate thing to do is to report their suicide threats. I recommend calling the police and telling them that you want to ask questions before telling them who is making suicide threats. Find out what their plan of action is in a case like that. They should be able to put you at ease by explaining their approach, which in most cases is to contact a mental health professional and then both the professional and a police officer will visit to interview the person making threats.

 

1. In the case of the evil person, this will let them know that you're not ####ing around and will make them think twice about their bull####.

 

2. In the case of the person who is actually suicidal, it lets them know that you take their words seriously and that you are already involved in getting them help.

 

You can't go wrong reaching out to the authorities for help. It's a way to protect yourself from severe psychological abuse (if that is what is going on), and a way to do the only thing you can if someone is genuinely suicidal (if they really are).

 

Don't get caught up in trying to figure out whether he is bluffing or serious. You're not a psychology professional and it is often too hard to tell. For example, people with certain psychological dysfunctions and/or drug addiction problems can be very manipulative, yet also impulsive enough to also commit suicide. Don't expect yourself to be able to sort through something like that, it is way too much to ask of yourself. Just do your part and report.

[PLT]

My dad committed suicide when I was 14 and am quite open about it with girlfriends. My nephew possibly committed suicide age 27 (muddy circumstances, coroner recorded open verdict). Anyone who uses something like that to try and control you is deeply manipulative.

 

Remember that many people who threaten suicide aren't actually suicidal.

 

Many people that commit suicide don't tell people they are going to do it. By the time they have decided to actually go through with it, it's almost like a point of no return. If they tell anyone, they won't be able to do it as the person they told will try to stop them.

 

Either way, he needs help, and although the help he wants is from you, you are not the person who can help him. Professionals are. Don't put this on yourself.

[l8estnews]

 

Remember that many people who threaten suicide aren't actually suicidal.

 

Many people that commit suicide don't tell people they are going to do it. By the time they have decided to actually go through with it, it's almost like a point of no return. If they tell anyone, they won't be able to do it as the person they told will try to stop them.

 

 

This. So don't let yourself get manipulated about that information. He won't do it. Even the most willing to commit suicide can't just do it.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

My dad committed suicide when I was 14 and am quite open about it with girlfriends. My nephew possibly committed suicide age 27 (muddy circumstances, coroner recorded open verdict). Anyone who uses something like that to try and control you is deeply manipulative.

 

Remember that many people who threaten suicide aren't actually suicidal.

 

Many people that commit suicide don't tell people they are going to do it. By the time they have decided to actually go through with it, it's almost like a point of no return. If they tell anyone, they won't be able to do it as the person they told will try to stop them.

 

Either way, he needs help, and although the help he wants is from you, you are not the person who can help him. Professionals are. Don't put this on yourself.

 

 

I'm so sorry you've also had to deal with the aftermath of suicide. It changes a person.

 

 

My husband never said a word about it that's why it was such a huge shock to me so I think your logic is right.

 

 

I feel even more upset as I phoned the Samaritans at lunch time and I explained my boyfriend threated suicide and my husband had already done it before and the women on the phone said I was being having a right laugh and put the phone down on me.

 

 

This left me pretty hysterical for quite a while, I've finally calmed down. I can't believe that I then called back and explained to another person what had happened with the last person who answered the call and I was told to just 'let it go...'. This has to be the most disgusting behaviour ever from people who are supposed to help.

[lana-banana]

Call the emergency authorities. Charities are great but they aren't legally responsible for individuals in need (and there's no guarantee of efficacy as you found out). You are in the UK; you will certainly get a response from competent mental health resources.

[PegNosePete]

I then called back and explained to another person what had happened with the last person who answered the call and I was told to just 'let it go...'.

~I would certainly write to their head office about this, giving the times of your call, the number you called from and the person's name (if you got it). For both calls. It's pretty unacceptable that someone in need of help is treated like that. They should be fired.

 

Then yeah like the others say, contact your local CMHT.

[PLT]

I'm so sorry you've also had to deal with the aftermath of suicide. It changes a person.

 

 

My husband never said a word about it that's why it was such a huge shock to me so I think your logic is right.

 

 

I feel even more upset as I phoned the Samaritans at lunch time and I explained my boyfriend threated suicide and my husband had already done it before and the women on the phone said I was being having a right laugh and put the phone down on me.

 

 

This left me pretty hysterical for quite a while, I've finally calmed down. I can't believe that I then called back and explained to another person what had happened with the last person who answered the call and I was told to just 'let it go...'. This has to be the most disgusting behaviour ever from people who are supposed to help.

 

It does indeed change you. People who have not had to deal with it think they understand (not all people obviously, I'm generalising, I know) but they don't. It has long term, far reaching consequences that only the people left behind after suicide can truely understand. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

That is terrible from the samaritans! I would definitely make a complaint. These people are supposed to listen, to empathise. That is what they are there for.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Yes it certainly does change you. I feel so venerable right now and I never wanted to ever feel this way again.

 

 

I have spoken to his friend and hopefully that has helped the situation.

 

 

I don't believe he would harm himself. I think he said that to try and control me which is truly awful.

 

 

He will be at home when I get in. I will calmly speak to him but it will take all my willpower to not crumble like I always do.

 

 

I know I can not continue my life as it is. Everyone deserves to be happy. I can't be making him happy either so we must go our separate ways for us to be able to move forward.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Following on from previous posts, my current relationship has been full of so many problems.

 

 

We've gone through drug and gambling addictions. He has stopped both (although the gambling issue was last an issue on 27/12/16) but there still seems to be constant problems.

 

 

He is terrible with money. He earns such a good salary however due to the gamble, he used to take out pay day loans and spend it on that. The last gambling problem resulted in me paying off debts of £1800.

 

 

In total he owes me £2500. He has no problem each month coming to me and asking for money. He knows I hate him getting these pay day loans so he knows I'll lend him the money.

 

 

He has agreed to pay back £200 each month but I honestly don't know if he will.

 

 

Last night we had a lovely evening together and then he said something stupid about money and how £2500 isn't a lot of money. I snapped at him and said it is a lot of money to some people and then I asked him to stop the money conversation.

 

 

I tried to do the right thing of stopping the conversation before I got more annoyed but instead he reacted really badly and stormed off. This then resulted in him saying he can't continue a relationship like we are.

 

 

I know I get very snappy at him. I really hate it and I do try to control it but because I feel like a mother to him always asking him to tidy up after himself or lending him money. It puts a huge strain on our relationship.

 

 

It isn't all bad between us. He loves me so much! He is incredibly affectionate and loving. I do adore him when he's like this but we seem to be more bad than good together.

 

 

I guess I'm just quite scared to be on my own again. I'm a very independent person but because I've got used to this affection, I'm scared how I'll feel when he's not around.

 

 

I know that's not a reason to stay in a relationship but I just wondered how people deal with going from having someone there for them to not having them at all?

 

 

I don't have any friends who are single. Everyone is married with kids. I guess I'm worried about not being able to social as well.

 

 

I know if I read half of the things I've written that someone else wrote, I would tell them to move on but it's not always that simple.

 

 

If we split up, he has said that he couldn't move out straight away. It would be so hard to see him every day but us not being together.

[RatherNotSay]

Following on from previous posts, my current relationship has been full of so many problems.

 

 

We've gone through drug and gambling addictions. He has stopped both (although the gambling issue was last an issue on 27/12/16) but there still seems to be constant problems.

 

 

He is terrible with money. He earns such a good salary however due to the gamble, he used to take out pay day loans and spend it on that. The last gambling problem resulted in me paying off debts of £1800.

 

 

In total he owes me £2500. He has no problem each month coming to me and asking for money. He knows I hate him getting these pay day loans so he knows I'll lend him the money.

 

 

He has agreed to pay back £200 each month but I honestly don't know if he will.

 

 

Last night we had a lovely evening together and then he said something stupid about money and how £2500 isn't a lot of money. I snapped at him and said it is a lot of money to some people and then I asked him to stop the money conversation.

 

 

I tried to do the right thing of stopping the conversation before I got more annoyed but instead he reacted really badly and stormed off. This then resulted in him saying he can't continue a relationship like we are.

 

 

I know I get very snappy at him. I really hate it and I do try to control it but because I feel like a mother to him always asking him to tidy up after himself or lending him money. It puts a huge strain on our relationship.

 

 

It isn't all bad between us. He loves me so much! He is incredibly affectionate and loving. I do adore him when he's like this but we seem to be more bad than good together.

 

 

I guess I'm just quite scared to be on my own again. I'm a very independent person but because I've got used to this affection, I'm scared how I'll feel when he's not around.

 

 

I know that's not a reason to stay in a relationship but I just wondered how people deal with going from having someone there for them to not having them at all?

 

 

I don't have any friends who are single. Everyone is married with kids. I guess I'm worried about not being able to social as well.

 

 

I know if I read half of the things I've written that someone else wrote, I would tell them to move on but it's not always that simple.

 

 

If we split up, he has said that he couldn't move out straight away. It would be so hard to see him every day but us not being together.

This sucks.

 

If you guys split up, it will be hard seeing him everyday, it will be torture. You will need, or have to cut off contact and move on.

 

I can sense that you don't trust him maybe ? Or think he's too.. undependable? Did you try talking things out calmly?

 

If you are still with him because you are scared of being alone, then I actually understand it will be hard to break up, because it is much harder being alone. But you have to do it, I don't think you see a future for you two together, break up, tell him to move out, and start working on the healing process.

 

Maybe before breaking up, try spending sometime alone (see how it goes you might just like it), do the things you love, treat yourself, and when you do break up, you will eventually you move on.

 

You are independent, you are your own source of happiness.

[Redhead14]

Following on from previous posts, my current relationship has been full of so many problems.

 

 

We've gone through drug and gambling addictions. He has stopped both (although the gambling issue was last an issue on 27/12/16) but there still seems to be constant problems.

 

 

He is terrible with money. He earns such a good salary however due to the gamble, he used to take out pay day loans and spend it on that. The last gambling problem resulted in me paying off debts of £1800.

 

 

In total he owes me £2500. He has no problem each month coming to me and asking for money. He knows I hate him getting these pay day loans so he knows I'll lend him the money.

 

 

He has agreed to pay back £200 each month but I honestly don't know if he will.

 

 

Last night we had a lovely evening together and then he said something stupid about money and how £2500 isn't a lot of money. I snapped at him and said it is a lot of money to some people and then I asked him to stop the money conversation.

 

 

I tried to do the right thing of stopping the conversation before I got more annoyed but instead he reacted really badly and stormed off. This then resulted in him saying he can't continue a relationship like we are.

 

 

I know I get very snappy at him. I really hate it and I do try to control it but because I feel like a mother to him always asking him to tidy up after himself or lending him money. It puts a huge strain on our relationship.

 

 

It isn't all bad between us. He loves me so much! He is incredibly affectionate and loving. I do adore him when he's like this but we seem to be more bad than good together.

 

 

I guess I'm just quite scared to be on my own again. I'm a very independent person but because I've got used to this affection, I'm scared how I'll feel when he's not around.

 

 

I know that's not a reason to stay in a relationship but I just wondered how people deal with going from having someone there for them to not having them at all?

 

 

I don't have any friends who are single. Everyone is married with kids. I guess I'm worried about not being able to social as well.

 

 

I know if I read half of the things I've written that someone else wrote, I would tell them to move on but it's not always that simple.

 

 

If we split up, he has said that he couldn't move out straight away. It would be so hard to see him every day but us not being together.

 

This man is not a suitable partner for anyone, let alone you. Stop "beating a dead horse". You are wasting your life on a relationship that is unsatisfying, unstable and mentally/emotionally draining.

 

If we split up, he has said that he couldn't move out straight away -- Whose place is it? Whose name is on the lease? If it's your place, he needs to find a place to live PERIOD. He needs to start looking right now.

 

Personally, I would not entertain longer than a few days.

 

I'm a very independent person but because I've got used to this affection, I'm scared how I'll feel when he's not around. -- You will miss the affection. But, will you missed being used like an ATM, manipulates you through threats of suicide, has a gambling problem, drug issues? If you hope to have children, is this the kind of man you want to be the father of those children? Your children will resent you and him someday because of the turmoil his behavior would create for their lives.

 

Get a grip on yourself and get focused on YOU and actually be the independent woman you claim to be. Secure, independent, mature, intelligent women who have insight and foresight to their future, don't stay with men who are not equally so. End this now. He isn't going to change at least not on your "watch". Let someone else raise him . . .

[Simple Logic]

Following on from previous posts, my current relationship has been full of so many problems.

 

 

We've gone through drug and gambling addictions. He has stopped both (although the gambling issue was last an issue on 27/12/16) but there still seems to be constant problems.

 

 

He is terrible with money. He earns such a good salary however due to the gamble, he used to take out pay day loans and spend it on that. The last gambling problem resulted in me paying off debts of £1800.

 

 

In total he owes me £2500. He has no problem each month coming to me and asking for money. He knows I hate him getting these pay day loans so he knows I'll lend him the money.

 

 

He has agreed to pay back £200 each month but I honestly don't know if he will.

 

 

Last night we had a lovely evening together and then he said something stupid about money and how £2500 isn't a lot of money. I snapped at him and said it is a lot of money to some people and then I asked him to stop the money conversation.

 

 

I tried to do the right thing of stopping the conversation before I got more annoyed but instead he reacted really badly and stormed off. This then resulted in him saying he can't continue a relationship like we are.

 

 

I know I get very snappy at him. I really hate it and I do try to control it but because I feel like a mother to him always asking him to tidy up after himself or lending him money. It puts a huge strain on our relationship.

 

 

It isn't all bad between us. He loves me so much! He is incredibly affectionate and loving. I do adore him when he's like this but we seem to be more bad than good together.

 

 

I guess I'm just quite scared to be on my own again. I'm a very independent person but because I've got used to this affection, I'm scared how I'll feel when he's not around.

 

 

I know that's not a reason to stay in a relationship but I just wondered how people deal with going from having someone there for them to not having them at all?

 

 

I don't have any friends who are single. Everyone is married with kids. I guess I'm worried about not being able to social as well.

 

 

I know if I read half of the things I've written that someone else wrote, I would tell them to move on but it's not always that simple.

 

 

If we split up, he has said that he couldn't move out straight away. It would be so hard to see him every day but us not being together.

 

Your BF is a leach and you are never going to see your money back, so write it off as a mistake in life. When he is at work have the locks changed. Then pack his stuff up and put it on the step.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Thank you Redhead14 and Rathernotsay. You're both 100% right.

 

 

It has been the most toxis relationship I've ever had. I am so drained and I know once we split and I've had time to heal, I will wish I had done it sooner.

 

 

The house is mine. He did have a lodgers agreement but I cancelled it when we had an argument before. He does pay rent to me but legally there's no duty to him however he thinks very differently.

 

 

We are going on holiday next week so because it's all paid, we're going to go and just see how things are but I know deep down we must split up.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I don't want to get into too much background (you can read the old threads) but long story short I've had so many issues with my OH. Any issue you can think of, we've probably had it.

 

 

I am looking for your opinions as to whether you would be happy with your OH acting like this.

 

 

The past few weeks he's been going out for a beer after work. It's only been once a week (he works nights so only has one shift that finishes at 10pm, the other finish in the morning). I have no issue with him going for a drink, when he lets me know he'll be home late.

 

 

The first time he went out recently was on Valentines night. He was finishing at 10pm and I thought I'd see him, even if only briefly for a bit before I went to sleep (I work normal days).

 

 

He didn't tell me he was going out so naturally I was annoyed. I explained the reason and although he still thought he wasn't doing anything wrong he did say in future he would let me know if he's going out for a drink from work.

 

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Each week he's been out for a drink, told me and that's been fine. However, yesterday I asked if he was going out and he said no.

 

 

Then he says, just before his shift is due to end, that he's going out for one drink. By 1.30am he's still not home (he finished work at 9.30-10pm) so I text asking where is he? He said he's going somewhere else for cocktails.

 

 

At this point I've said I'm annoyed that he didn't just say in the first place that he'd be out for the night and am I to expect him home some time during the day? He saw the message however didn't bother to reply.

 

 

I then got a text at 5am saying he's at the casino with his friend. He doesn't say whether he's gambling (which he had a previous addiction with although he works in a casino!) and that's it.

 

 

At this point I've had zero sleep and all I've been thinking is 'is he gambling?', 'has he drunk too much?' 'has he taken drugs?' (all issues we've had previously).

 

 

I guess I just want to know whether you would also be annoyed with not knowing where your partner is? I feel like he lied to me by ignoring me. The whole relationship is completely toxic but I thought I'd ask opinions in case I'm out of line for thinking this way.

 

 

I've just said to him that I'm completely unhappy with various things in our relationship and I think it's the end. Not because he's been out all night but for a million other reasons. He just calls me crazy and still expects me to pretend everything is ok...

[1fish2fish]

My dear, why are you still with him? Without reading your other threads, this one can stand alone.

 

You are obviously not a priority in his life and the fact that he is dismissive about your feelings speaks volumes.

 

Please save yourself and get out of this one sided pseudo-relationship.

[Gaeta]

I would not be in a relationship with a man that does these things. When I was young I endured many similar things but not anymore. Now that I am older I know these men never change so I don't waste my time on them.

 

You sound young and all you are doing is wasting your best years on a bad man.

[Popsicle]

I suspect he's up to no good but you won't be able to prove it until he ends up in rehab or with a DUI or in gamblers anonymous.

[goldway90]

He doesn't say whether he's gambling (which he had a previous addiction with although he works in a casino!

 

Gambling addiction i see ( drinking too)

 

At this point I've had zero sleep and all I've been thinking is 'is he gambling?', 'has he drunk too much?' 'has he taken drugs?' (all issues we've had previously).

 

You've been through this before too.

 

He just calls me crazy and still expects me to pretend everything is ok...

 

This one is another red flag.

 

After reading this i can tell you this is a textbook emotionally abusive relationship that will get worse the more you stay. You should end it and move on.

 

Reading your other posts he already threatened to kill himself if you guys break up which another big red flag of emotionally abusive relationships. END IT.

Edited March 9, 2017 by goldway90
Added more thoughts.

[elaine567]

You are an enabler, a soft touch and a doormat.

Some people are put on this earth to take advantage of others, whilst they go through life pleasing themselves and not caring a damn.

He is one of those.

You either decide to live your life in misery hoping one day he will miraculously change into the man you want, or you dump his sorry a$s.

It's up to you.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Thank you for the replies. I agree 100% with you all.

 

 

I know he is emotionally abusive and manipulative. I really have tried to end things but he seems to have a way of worming his way back in.

 

 

I really want him gone but because he lives in my house, it's going to b hard to get him to move out.

 

 

He is paying money towards bills etc. We call it rent so he assumes he has all these rights to stay in my house. As far as I'm concerned he has until the end of the month (when the 'rent is due again) to leave.

 

 

I have specifically said I do not want to be in the relationship anymore and he hasn't acknowledged it at all. Of course now he is sleeping so I will have the drama to deal with this evening.

 

 

It's exhausting!!

[Jj66]

Good luck getting hI'm to move out.

[1fish2fish]

You may have to give him "official notice" of his eviction. In some states, if you receive mail after a month, you legally live there, no matter if there's a contract/lease, what have you.

 

Put it in writing or maybe contact local law enforcement to find out your options. Or just start packing his stuff for him.

 

It's obvious that in addition to everything else, he has no respect for you because he's ignored your previous attempts to end the relationship.

 

I wish you the best of luck and please keep up updated on your progress!!! There's a reason why many people have to call law enforcement to stand by when one half of a domestic partnership is asked to leave a residence.

[lurker74]

FWIW, I don't think his behavior is that bad if it were not for his history of addictions. Many of us have had the night of "just one drink" turning into way too long out, and those activities often occur in spurts. So if he'd been doing it since Feb 14, that's three or four times. It's concerning but not irreversible.

 

Having said that, with his history of addictions, it would be unacceptable to me.

 

Also, doing that on V day is just douchey. Even if you think it's a Hallmark Holiday, come home and see your girlfriend, for crying out loud.

 

Good luck moving forward!

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I'm from the UK so I imagine the laws are different. From what I've researched, he has zero claim on my property.

 

 

I will give him until the end of the month to move out then the locks will be changed.

 

 

I haven't heard from him all day (obviously he's sleeping!) so I'm dreading tonight. I've been very clear in the messages I sent him and have said I want the relationship to be over, I just hope he respects that and will move out swiftly.