He's threatened to kill himself if we break up. [UPDATE: is this fair behavior?]

[GemmaUK]

If nothing is in his name then no he has no claim on your property.

 

I would devise a back up plan for the inevitable one month notice (can't see him moving himself out tbh).

Do you have friends/family who could help you and be there with you to spend a day to gather his stuff up and hand it to him on his return? Also you want to have stayed home and had the locks changed by the time he arrives home.

 

If it were me I'd be a 'tad' fair and do this on a night he is coming home at the normal time - but mostly that's down to it being convenient for me and anyone whom I called upon to help.

[goldway90]

Also remember he'll try to pull "i"ll kill myself if we break up" again it's an emotionally abusive behavior and tactic to keep you hooked, don't fall for it. You can always call the cops to deal with him; you absolutely need to get out of this relationship.

[Tressugar]

You really don't know a person fully until the two of you experience the four seasons together and even after that you're still learning person.

 

After the four seasons, then become engaged, get married and have all the babies you can with them after that.

 

Anything before that, what's the rush?

[confusedgirlfriend11]

It's finally sunk in and he says he accepts it's only.

 

 

Last night there were lots of arguments and tears. He seems to place all the blame on me, I'm a bad person, I only see when he does bad things and not the good things and I should completely erase everything that has happened in the past.

 

 

It's the last point that bothered me greatly. I'm starting to doubt myself and think I'm mad but would anyone else honestly completely forget the gambling, the constant borrowing money, the drugs, the nights out and no contact, the suicide threats, the put downs and saying he's go sleep with other women if I won't do it...

 

 

Do people honestly just accept that and forget it ever happened? It's not like I drag these things up in an argument. It's just those actions have affected how I feel about him. But in his mind I should simply forget about them as he says he won't do it again...

 

 

He says he'll move out by 5 April. He doesn't get paid until 31 March so it gives him time to find somewhere, pay the deposit and arrange everything. He's even asked me to help drive his stuff over to a new place, of course I've said yes as that's the person I am.

 

 

Now to try and stay out of each others way for a few weeks. Luckily he works nights so it's only really two evenings a week I would see him but I can make other plans.

 

 

Thanks for all your advice and support - it's really helped.

[elaine567]

. I'm starting to doubt myself and think i'm mad but would anyone else honestly completely forget the gambling, the constant borrowing money, the drugs, the nights out and no contact, the suicide threats, the put downs and saying he's go sleep with other women if i won't do it...

 

 

Do people honestly just accept that and forget it ever happened?

 

no

...............................

[confusedgirlfriend11]

 

Get a grip on yourself and get focused on YOU and actually be the independent woman you claim to be. Secure, independent, mature, intelligent women who have insight and foresight to their future, don't stay with men who are not equally so. End this now. He isn't going to change at least not on your "watch". Let someone else raise him . . .

 

I've been reading back through my posts (mainly to see that I haven't made all this crap up!) and saw this piece of advice - it's really good thank you!

 

 

Although I know it's the right decision to split up, it's start hard and it still hurts but thinking about the future and realising I won't have to deal with these mind games is really promising.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

It's taken me a long time to realise it but I finally see how my ex is an emotional abuser/manipulator.

 

We've only spilt up a few days ago and since I've listened to so many podcasts about emotional abusers. I can't believe I ignored the signs for so long.

 

We agreed he'll move out by end of the month but just today he's tried convincing me to let him stay and he wanted us to be back together but don't tell anyone. The guy is crazy!!

 

My problem now is how do I stay strong and protect myself for the next few weeks?

 

When I'm away from him I know I've made the right decision to split up but when I see him and he says how he still wants me to be his future and he loves me do much, I feel conflicted.

 

He's going to move to another country soon and he believes he'll become this changed perfect person when he moves. I know it's highly unlikely to happen but how do I remove the 'What ifs' from my mind.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Zahara]

Forget the part where he said he will move out by the end of the month. That's his way of giving himself time to hopefully get you to change your mind. I don't even think he'll actually move unless you take action.

 

Abusers are manipulative. Everything they say will be in an effort to rope you back in.

 

Why can't you get him to leave sooner? If nothing is in his name, you should be working on packing his things and changing locks. The longer he stays there, the more time you give him to weaken you. This is what they do.

 

Can you go and stay at your family or friends? Just to at least give yourself some distance and hopefully strengthen your mental clarity.

[PegNosePete]

My problem now is how do I stay strong and protect myself for the next few weeks?

Keep listening to those podcasts and re-reading your posts on here. Keep reminding yourself of what he's really like.

 

when I see him and he says how he still wants me to be his future and he loves me do much, I feel conflicted.

Don't let him say those things. As soon as he opens him mouth, stick your fingers in your ears and say "LALALALALAL". I'm not joking here, do exactly that. You don't need to hear that manipulative rubbish. Tell him you are not interested in any kind of conversation unless it is directly related to him MOVING OUT, and then WALK AWAY. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from any further discussions on the subject so embrace the motto "talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening".

 

He's going to move to another country soon and he believes he'll become this changed perfect person when he moves. I know it's highly unlikely to happen but how do I remove the 'What ifs' from my mind.

You don't need to remove these "what ifs" at this point. Maybe he will change. But you don't want to be with him while he is in the process of trying! Maybe you will reconnect in 5 years and he will be a changed man, who knows? Nobody can see the future. All you can do is to do what is best for yourself RIGHT NOW. And that is to stay strong and keep on your current course of splitting up with an abusive manipulator and getting him out of your home.

 

On a side note I would make sure you have all your really important stuff in a safe place. I'm talking about your passport, house deeds and insurance documents, expensive or sentimental jewellery, photo collection backups, etc, things that can't be replaced. It's quite possible that he would take a day off work to steal/destroy them either for profit or just out of malice. If I were you I'd make sure these really important things are somewhere safe where he can't access them, in your drawer at work or at a family member or trusted friend's house or something. Just in case - better safe than sorry.

 

Personally I wouldn't go and stay with a family or friend's house if I were you (unless you feel your safety is at risk of course!). He is likely annoyed at being made homeless, and you moving out even temporarily would give him free run of your house. Goodness knows what he would do. I heard of one case where someone removed the shower cubicle panel and unscrewed the waste pipe. The home owner didn't find out until a few weeks later when water started coming through the ceiling, causing thousands of pounds of damage.

Edited March 13, 2017 by PegNosePete

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

I plan to stay out of his way as much as possible. I think you're right about having any further 'deep' conversations. I'll be strong and just say I won't be changing my mind. He must move out, I need time to heal myself and if when he is settled in Switzerland, he wants to contact me then that's his choice.

 

 

As soon as he moves out I will delete his number. I won't be contacting him at all. If he contacts me then it will depend if I wish to reply but I think it's best for me not to.

 

 

Good idea about hiding my valuables. People do silly things in desperate situations.

 

 

I guess part of the reason why I don't just say you must go now is because I'm scared of what he may do. I can't take time off at the moment as I'm going on holiday in April so I can't keep an eye on my house properly.

 

 

I think the next few days I will completely avoid him at all costs. He works nights so generally I should be able to avoid him. Out of sight, out of mind is so much better for me.

 

 

I still feel so sad as I do love him but I know that he is the wrong person for me. I've been through heartache before so I know I'll get through this. I just hate this feeling, which is completely normal.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I'm feeling really down today. He wants to talk tonight regarding moving out. He has said he's going to move next week and have asked me to help him move out.

 

 

I stupidly agreed to drive him to the new place. Only because otherwise I don't know how else he'll move his stuff. It's going to be torture seeing the new place where he'll be seeing new girls at.

 

 

I know I've made the right decision for my future, it was a really bad relationship but I still feel so sad. I wish I could switch my emotions off.

 

 

Does anyone have any tips for saying strong please?

[marky00]

 

I know I've made the right decision for my future, it was a really bad relationship.

 

 

 

I have joined your thread late but could you enlighten me with some examples of his actions that led to you labelling the relationship as you have.

 

 

I'm guessing he must have done some pretty awful stuff since your ending a relationship yet still emotionally invested.

[PegNosePete]

I stupidly agreed to drive him to the new place.

On the contrary, I think you did a very sensible thing agreeing to drive him.

 

If he is going to move out so soon then you should do everything you reasonably can to ensure that happens! Once he is gone he is GONE. If all it takes is offering one free taxi service then you're getting a great deal. You have no idea how many threads there are on here that go "he said he'd move out at the end of the month but he's still here 6 months later...".

 

Don't talk while driving. Just drive. Put the music up loud or whatever. When you get there, don't see his new place. Just drop him off and leave. There's absolutely no need for you to go in, have a cup of tea, look around or help him unpack his boxes. Just drop him off, say you have to be somewhere, and go. In fact make a coffee date with a friend or family member for right afterwards, so you have genuine reason to leave, and also someone to talk to afterwards. Then go straight to the hardware store and buy new locks.

[1fish2fish]

I'm feeling really down today. He wants to talk tonight regarding moving out. He has said he's going to move next week and have asked me to help him move out.

 

 

I stupidly agreed to drive him to the new place. Only because otherwise I don't know how else he'll move his stuff. It's going to be torture seeing the new place where he'll be seeing new girls at.

 

 

I know I've made the right decision for my future, it was a really bad relationship but I still feel so sad. I wish I could switch my emotions off.

 

 

Does anyone have any tips for saying strong please?

 

What is there to talk about? Other than what time to drive his crap over to his new place?

 

I agree with what was said above - make plans now with friends for a time immediately after the drop off.

[BluesPower]

I'm feeling really down today. He wants to talk tonight regarding moving out. He has said he's going to move next week and have asked me to help him move out.

 

I stupidly agreed to drive him to the new place. Only because otherwise I don't know how else he'll move his stuff. It's going to be torture seeing the new place where he'll be seeing new girls at.

 

I know I've made the right decision for my future, it was a really bad relationship but I still feel so sad. I wish I could switch my emotions off.

 

Does anyone have any tips for saying strong please?

 

I don't have any revelations about staying strong. But know this, we can always love someone that we know is wrong for us is every way. Many of my GF's are proof of this, LOL.

 

But when we know that we are doing the right thing, you really do know. It hurts, you miss them and you still love them, but we know that the person is just not good for us and really will never be.

 

It does not make it hurt less though...

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Once again you've given me some incredible advice and support. I truly appreciate it so much!!

 

 

I have no idea what he has to say, I think that's why I'm so anxious. Literally since he said yesterday he needs to talk to me, I've been fretting.

 

 

I think he'll either try and say something to hurt me again or try convince me to give him another chance. If it's the latter then hardly seems likely he'll be moving next week.

 

 

I am going to stay strong and firm tonight. I don't want to get back into a conversation about the relationship as it is completely over.

 

 

I've been reading this thread back and I honestly can't believe what a naïve idiot I've been. It's helped me see once again that this is the right decision.

 

 

I will take him to the new place but you're right about not going in. I'll unload the car but I'll explain I don't want to go inside.

 

 

I'm actually going away for a few days the day after he moves so that'll keep my mind focussed. I guess it'll just be the Thursday night he actually moves that I might have a little cry and cuddle with my dog.

 

 

I've already blocked him from Facebook and IG. I've deleted his number and even when I was drunk (of course been having a few drinks lately) I didn't feel the need to contact him. I think this is really positive.

 

 

I've also gathered up our memories and I need to throw these out. I just haven't had the time to do it yet plus I guess it's still a bit raw.

 

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[hestheone66]

It's been a complete whirlwind. I am very independent so I am happy to be on my own but then he came along and was so affectionate and caring that I forgot what it felt like.

 

 

I have no idea why he proposed so soon. It's absolutely crazy!! It was all very romantic but I still knew it wasn't ideal. There's no talk of a wedding any time soon so I'm not being pushed into anything.

 

 

The probably is he is a spoilt child. He has always been used to getting his own way and that doesn't work with me. He has changed a lot since we've been together. He knows the drugs can't continue, and he has stopped. And hopefully he's seen the error with the gambling but I feel more like a mother than a fiancée.

 

 

I know exactly what it feels like to be in a whirlwind relationship that becomes toxic...also alcohol and drugs.I mothered him for 12 tears while he drained my soul..like you it was my house but in the end I secretly packed up and left without a trace then as he didn't leave sold the house and moved on. It got to the point that my urge to be everything for him while he controlled and manipulated me caused me to lose friends and made me a bad mother for letting him treat all in the house poorly...

 

 

Without a doubt leaving and going absolute NC (I left a closure note) set me free and my life is awesome again...it took me 12 years, don't wait that long...

 

I did break NC and "played nice" just long enough to help him find a place and organise movers. Then went underground and have maintained it for 8 blissful years ..

Edited March 15, 2017 by hestheone66

[preraph]

Anytime threatens suicide, you call the police. Then you'll soon find they'll stop threatening suicide to you. Also, if someone is legitimately unstable, has mental problems, it is good to alert someone close to them in advance of breaking up before you disappear from their lives. And then you really need to get out of their lives (unless you had children with them) so they can't use you for an excuse or trigger. I mean, they can't "I'll show her" if you're not watching.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

This is all such mind games! Last night he wanted to talk about. He played it all so nicely. Said sorry for all the bad things he's said and done, said he has understood everything that he did was wrong and never intentional to hurt me and now still saying how he still wants me to be his future wife and move to Switzerland with him.

 

 

Maybe he will change and become better in Switzerland but he expects me to leave my home, family, friends, career... everything I've worked for to be with him.

 

 

He says he will support me and I can stay at home with children etc. Part of it sounds like a lovely life, being in the mountains and close to the lake but can you imagine moving to another country and being so isolated and then him acting the way he did before?

 

 

He's moving out next week and I honestly don't know whether to remain in contact? If I leave the door open, what really is the point? Ultimately he would want to take me away from everything I love and have worked hard for. I'd resent him so much.

 

 

It would have been so much easier if he was treating me badly right now. That sounds so messed up to say but playing the nice card is messing with my head more.

[elaine567]

People who manipulate and abuse, often seek to isolate the "victim" from their friends and family as they know the friends and family will step in and intervene and give advice and generally make the "victim" less open to manipulation.

Making you into a SAHM in a foreign country, takes away all your power too.

You become dependent on him for just about everything, you then cannot easily leave, no matter how bad he gets, and once you have children too, the trap door is closed.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

People who manipulate and abuse, often seek to isolate the "victim" from their friends and family as they know the friends and family will step in and intervene and give advice and generally make the "victim" less open to manipulation.

Making you into a SAHM in a foreign country, takes away all your power too.

You become dependent on him for just about everything, you then cannot easily leave, no matter how bad he gets, and once you have children too, the trap door is closed.

 

 

I know everything you're saying makes perfect sense so why do I still feel slightly torn? As though I believe him that we could have this perfect life together over there?

 

 

I feel so foolish. I'm an intelligent women so why am I acting like such an idiot and slightly falling for his BS??

[salparadise]

I'm an intelligent women so why am I acting like such an idiot and slightly falling for his BS??

 

 

Because you've been sleeping with him for however long, and that creates attachment that's not rational in nature (hormone based). He's selling what you believe you want, so of course it sounds good. You have to overcome these things to get away, which means you need to believe that it's necessary in the emotional sense, not just cognitively.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Because you've been sleeping with him for however long, and that creates attachment that's not rational in nature (hormone based). He's selling what you believe you want, so of course it sounds good. You have to overcome these things to get away, which means you need to believe that it's necessary in the emotional sense, not just cognitively.

 

Thank you. Yes that makes sense. Perhaps I need to make the decision to cut all ties once he leaves.

 

 

It feels like things are very much still open and I just can't see him ever changing so much to have this perfect life together so maybe it's better to just try and pretend it never happened.

[BluesPower]

You def need to cut contact when he moves out.

 

Because if you don't he will ACT like he has it together and draw you in again. And look how long it took to get to this place where you are almost out and done with him.

 

When he leaves, that needs to be it. Heal up and get back out there when you are ready.

 

Stay away from him...

[confusedgirlfriend11]

You def need to cut contact when he moves out.

 

Because if you don't he will ACT like he has it together and draw you in again. And look how long it took to get to this place where you are almost out and done with him.

 

When he leaves, that needs to be it. Heal up and get back out there when you are ready.

 

Stay away from him...

 

 

Thank you. I know and agree with what you've said. Now to just get him out of my house and allow me the time to move on with my life.