Why is it so hard to date in the UK?

[Mumbles]

Yes! I just don't understand where to meet people.

 

Don't understand why friends manage it & I have no luck

 

Yes, been there and done that when I was a young man and pondering the same.

 

In my opinion it comes down to circles of friends. Pretty much everyone I know met their date/wife/gf/fwb/whatever through a social setting created by circles of friends intermingling with each other and creating new circles of friends.

 

You've got to get in with the 'right' friends ... hehe. What I mean by that is: I married for the first time quite late, past 30, 99% of my friends where already either married or in LTR's by the time I was late twenties. What this meant is that my circle consisted of couples with only a very few hangers on (like me) who were still single. Even given this, I did manage to hook up with a few nice girls who were part of that extended circle, but, by and large, I'd have done better to branch out and find singles as a new circle.

 

So, give you current circle of friends a wedgy - tell them, honestly, that you're looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend. You'll be surprised I suspect at how the social 'machine' then kicks into action. People who are really your friends want to see you happy, and will invite others from their broader circle to meet-n-greets if they know you are honestly looking.

 

The age old phenomena of 'marriage aunty' is still alive and well. My wife is one of these. She just can't help herself. She will surreptitiously ensure that available boys and girls end up coming together, with us and our small circle of couples as the centre. The singles then orbit the core of couples and you'd be surprised that the number of positive outcomes.

[Els]

Mmm. Depends on what you mean by Asian I think. If you're talking Indian then maybe - I don't have first hand experience there. More broadly Asian though, talking China, Japan, SE Asia, marriage isn't viewed the same as currently in the west, its a lot closer to the old view of marriage in western culture where you married for social standing, finances, to have children, or other not-so-romantic ideas.

 

Specifically talking SE Asia and China, its extremely common for married couples to have boyfriends or 'second wives' on the side. Whilst this isn't trumpeted to the world, its not entirely hidden either. Its very common to have children with your second or third wife (they are not polygamous of course, by law, these extra wives are not legal wives). It goes both ways too, often the husband will have and live with his second wife, the wife will have and live with her boyfriend. At social events, the husband and wife will come together to 'be seen'.

 

True divorce is also not completely unknown. If the wife was a successful lawyer and the husband married her to get a leg-up in social standing, then she's disbarred for some reason, divorce often ensues. If the husband was financially well off, the wife might have married him for that (social standing again) - he loses all his money and the wife will divorce ... its really quite common, but often not loud and overt.

 

No, I was talking about Southeast and East Asia specifically, though Indian culture isn't terribly different in that regard. Sure cheating happens, but not any more so than in the west, and it generally is NOT considered socially acceptable (at least, not any more than it is in the west). The only difference is that it is less likely to lead to divorce (as I mentioned, divorce in general is rare). It depends on where you are getting your information, of course, different social groups have different norms in that regard - but I am speaking generally about the middle-class urban group.

 

And sure, divorce happens, but it's very much less socially acceptable. I have known far more people from Eastern cultures who remained in extremely unhappy marriages, than I have people from Western cultures. When it does happen, oftentimes some family and friends will ostracize or disavow you (again, not all, but it is common). Sexless marriages do happen and people do carry on that way their entire lives. It is not as easy as you would think for the average joe to find a mistress on the side even if they were so inclined - in Asia, the primary motivation for a woman to be a mistress tends to be receipt of material wealth.

 

Basically, all I'm saying is, the UK ain't so bad.

[spiderowl]

I think basically that society has changed so much that people's needs are not put first. In the past, public dances were arranged. Regular social gatherings took place in village halls and community centres, not to mention pubs, clubs and societies. While some of the same places still exist, they are usually pretty dead or you have to pay a lot to join in. They are not set up to encourage socialising any more, but instead only for the purpose of the specific society. This is good, of course, but the socialising elements have been taken away. There are few opportunities to meet people and they are afraid to approach others at work for obvious reasons. I think it is a structural issue. My elderly neighbour says that most social events, dances and so on were practically free when she was young. Now you pay a fortune just to park and it's all about making money from the punters not helping people to mix.

Edited November 25, 2016 by spiderowl

[Mumbles]

I think basically that society has changed so much that people's needs are not put first. In the past, public dances were arranged. Regular social gatherings took place in village halls and community centres, not to mention pubs, clubs and societies. While some of the same places still exist, they are usually pretty dead or you have to pay a lot to join in. They are not set up to encourage socialising any more, but instead only for the purpose of the specific society. This is good, of course, but the socialising elements have been taken away. There are few opportunities to meet people and they are afraid to approach others at work for obvious reasons. I think it is a structural issue. My elderly neighbour says that most social events, dances and so on were practically free when she was young. Now you pay a fortune just to park and it's all about making money from the punters not helping people to mix.

 

Yes, I 100% agree with your analysis here.

 

I'm old enough to remember my parents doing this when I was very very young. Dances at the local town hall or wherever. The community, not just singles, would come together for an eat, a mingle, a dance, etc ... local musicians would be playing on stage and all the kids (me included) would just run amok in and around the hall.

 

It gave the 'marriage aunties' a chance to do their work, meeting, greeting, analysing, and matching singles, and socialised everyone in the community.

 

Community, of this type, is largely gone now. We're all instead behoven to the mighty dollar and everything that gets done gets done for financial gain. This is not a stab at the people who used to organise these events and now no longer do, its a whole of society change. People stopped going to these events because, largely (I think), they started working a -lot- more/longer hours and most people in the suburbs today come across to me as perpetually exhausted.