14 months on still feeling the loss of my ex wife

[Dusty72]

Hi all ,

 

It's been 14 months since she filed for divorce , been divorced since May 2016 ,second marriage but I'm struggling to move on , I just cannot forget about her ...she is with a new guy now ...long story short was with her for 5 years married for 3 years.

 

She dropped the bomb on me due to my drinking habit , (i drank a couple of beers every night , sometimes double that at weekends , she hardly drank at all, only a glass of wine at meal times) plus when we first got married we was going to buy a house together but she wanted me to get rid of my house.

I put up a real struggle as my first wife was still living in it with my two children age 10 and 13 , My first wife could not buy me out and i was concerned that my kids would have to go into emergency accommodation....which they did for a while .... my first wife subsequently trashed my credit rating as she was supposed to be paying her half of a joint loan in both our names at the time but she let it go into default ...so although we sold the house ....my credit was trashed so i could not get another mortgage...which annoyed my 2nd wife ...

 

Yes In hindsight I should never have agreed to sell and that is a cross i have to bear to my children , they are ok now , but my 2nd wife put a metaphorical gun to my head ...I know I was wrong ....so after all this ...why oh why am i still pining over this woman...help !!

Edited November 14, 2016 by Dusty72

[l8estnews]

You know what Dusty? The reason why you experiencing this horrible pain, is because you don't know how to love. I'll be blunt: You are selfish. I know it does not hurt anymore, as "selfish" is a term commonly thrown nowadays, but this is the very word that describes you.

 

How could you let your children be homeless just to make your "2nd wife" happy? You don't know how to love, and it sounds like you don't even know how to love yourself. You can sacrifice ANYTHING, even your children, just to satisfy your desires.

 

I am sorry, but I see her leaving you as your karma.

 

Now, go to therapy, reflect on your mistakes (and you have made a lot of HUGE ONES) and be a better human being, not just a man, but a human being from now on.

Edited November 14, 2016 by l8estnews

[Dusty72]

I hear you , I really do , yes that was selfish , no excuses , although they were not homeless, they just downgraded to a flat instead of a house ...., don't you think i realise that every day ....no excuses to put my kids second just because i had rose coloured love goggles on ....

I get your candour , I have been to therapy , I make it up to my kids all the time...I'm not proud of what i did , I should have kicked my second wife to the curb and yes put my kids first.

That was the ultimate mistake i made .....I know that.

[Satu]

Its clear that you have lots of unresolved issues.

 

Thats ok; life works out that way sometimes.

 

Spend some time as a single person in therapy. Not coupled, not dating, no fwb, no casual sex.

 

I would suggest at least 2 years.

 

Concentrate on being the best father you can be, whilst you get your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour in order.

 

 

Take care.

[Dusty72]

for what its worth my 1st wife doesnt blame me , she knew i would never have done that off my own back ....she blames my second wife who just "tolerated" my children....i'm not making excuses , i was taken in so much by my second wife who married me only to better herself ...but yes it doesn't detract from what i did wrong...

[Satu]

for what its worth my 1st wife doesnt blame me , she knew i would never have done that off my own back ....she blames my second wife who just "tolerated" my children....i'm not making excuses , i was taken in so much by my second wife who married me only to better herself ...but yes it doesn't detract from what i did wrong...

 

Try not to see yourself as a horrible person; you're not.

 

You made some bad decisions, that had negative consequences, but that doesn't make you a horrible person.

 

Work towards being the best that you can be.

 

I think you will gain a lot from therapy.

 

 

Take care.

[l8estnews]

I hear you , I really do , yes that was selfish , no excuses , although they were not homeless, they just downgraded to a flat instead of a house ...., don't you think i realise that every day ....no excuses to put my kids second just because i had rose coloured love goggles on ....

I get your candour , I have been to therapy , I make it up to my kids all the time...I'm not proud of what i did , I should have kicked my second wife to the curb and yes put my kids first.

That was the ultimate mistake i made .....I know that.

 

I apologize for being harsh..... but your post triggered something in me.

 

I had a father like you once. And until now, even after 10 years of him dying, my anger is still overflowing. In my mind, what have I done wrong to deserve a treatment like that? I hated my father so much, and I have underlying issues that affect my capabilities to form good relationships until now.

 

Now, imagine this kind of messed up mindset that you might have caused to your kids. Can you really bear your own offspring to bear a resentment that they will carry for the rest of their lives directed to you?

 

You have a lot of patching up to do. I mean, really.

[l8estnews]

for what its worth my 1st wife doesnt blame me , she knew i would never have done that off my own back ....she blames my second wife who just "tolerated" my children....i'm not making excuses , i was taken in so much by my second wife who married me only to better herself ...but yes it doesn't detract from what i did wrong...

 

Thank you for acknowledging. This is a great step towards owning your mistakes, and accepting them. You might have been "manipulated" by your 2nd wife, but the decision was still yours, and yours to make and bear. Accept that, because if you really have a good grasp on your relationship with your children, their needs, and their well-being you will never sell the only home they have. Yes, they had a new "flat," but they didn't have to. They still could've had their old home.

 

I will never understand the problems that people like you and my father have. I will never understand how they can prioritize the needs of another person from their own flesh and blood, whose only fault (and fate) was to be their child. I understand that you also have your own needs as a person, but you are also a father, with kids that depend on you.

[Dusty72]

Thank you for acknowledging. This is a great step towards owning your mistakes, and accepting them. You might have been "manipulated" by your 2nd wife, but the decision was still yours, and yours to make and bear. Accept that, because if you really have a good grasp on your relationship with your children, their needs, and their well-being you will never sell the only home they have. Yes, they had a new "flat," but they didn't have to. They still could've had their old home.

 

I will never understand the problems that people like you and my father have. I will never understand how they can prioritize the needs of another person from their own flesh and blood, whose only fault (and fate) was to be their child. I understand that you also have your own needs as a person, but you are also a father, with kids that depend on you.

 

I'm sorry but i have just seen your posts...let me tell you something which i failed to put in my original post...anyone reading what i wrote would think the same as you...

 

My first wife cheated on me and i divorced her , she was living with her boyfriend who was giving her money for household bills , food etc in our house ...now i was paying the mortgage about £1,000 per month , plus i was paying child support....she agreed to sell the house , we had it drawn up by a solicitor and it went to a judge who agreed the house sale ...i couldnt just kick her and my kids out even if i was the monster you have me be ...

she was going to get a place with her new guy...but that went south after a couple of months of the house sale ...that's when she was financially in trouble ...i helped her out by increasing my child support so the kids would have a decent roof over their heads...in fact I have a very healthy relationship with my first wife and I see my kids regularly.....

Yes in hindsight , I should have held off , we both should have ....but it wasn't as bad as my original post sounded ....it was just circumstances....I wished i would have kept the house , so if anything did go wrong they could return to their home ....I just want you to understand the facts surrounding that situation...

Yes my second

wife was manipulating me and yes i regret that immensely....

Edited November 14, 2016 by Dusty72

[Satu]

Build this into yourself, OP:

 

 

Sense of Agency

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

 

(Credit due to Mary C Lamia.)

 

 

Take care.

[Dusty72]

and I am so sorry about your your father ....and you are right ...ones kids ALWAYS come first ....that is something I have learned and will never make that terrible mistake again ...women come and go ...but ones children are for life ....

so to reiterate you are right and i was wrong....I think about that every day !!

[Dusty72]

Build this into yourself, OP:

 

 

Sense of Agency

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

 

(Credit due to Mary C Lamia.)

 

 

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you Satu , I certainly will pin this up by my bathroom cabinet...such sage words

[l8estnews]

and I am so sorry about your your father ....and you are right ...ones kids ALWAYS come first ....that is something I have learned and will never make that terrible mistake again ...women come and go ...but ones children are for life ....

so to reiterate you are right and i was wrong....I think about that every day !!

 

I have asked you to accept your mistakes...

 

... It is just right to accept mine. My profuse apologies, I have misjudged your post. My reaction was based on my understanding of what you have written and now that you have shed light on the whole situation, you do not deserve what I've just written. Those words are for a monster that I thought you were, but you are not. My sincere apologies coming from the bottom of my heart. You are nothing like my father. I am sorry.

 

But if you let me, just to ask a question, why are your children with your wife? If you have the means to pay child support and she is obviously in a financial ruins, why can't you just take your kids with you?

[Dusty72]

hey L8testnews please do not apologise ....I was sorry for my quick post earlier which didn't give too much detail i was on a work break so didn't have much time to write the full story.

 

I'm not sure where you are from , the states perhaps , however in the UK , the mother always gets custody of the children ...always , unless she is a druggie , abusive etc....plus I live about 80 miles from where i used to live due to my job relocating.

 

Besides , they go to school in the town they live in and all their friends are in that town , so it would be a wrench for them to move to where i live now ....

 

The irony is that now they have a lovely place and I am in a studio flat ....that's Karma.

 

I see my kids every other weekend and take them on holidays , pay for their school trips , even my eldest i have paid for her to visit Manhattan for a week in the new year for her school trip ....we never had that when i was a kid ...i think the furthest I went was a trip across the english channel to france for a couple of days .....

 

Oh and now she is in a well paid job and her finances are stable plus she has a new boyfriend whom she lives with...and my kids get on well with him , so that's good.

[l8estnews]

hey L8testnews please do not apologise ....I was sorry for my quick post earlier which didn't give too much detail i was on a work break so didn't have much time to write the full story.

 

I'm not sure where you are from , the states perhaps , however in the UK , the mother always gets custody of the children ...always , unless she is a druggie , abusive etc....plus I live about 80 miles from where i used to live due to my job relocating.

 

Besides , they go to school in the town they live in and all their friends are in that town , so it would be a wrench for them to move to where i live now ....

 

The irony is that now they have a lovely place and I am in a studio flat ....that's Karma.

 

I see my kids every other weekend and take them on holidays , pay for their school trips , even my eldest i have paid for her to visit Manhattan for a week in the new year for her school trip ....we never had that when i was a kid ...i think the furthest I went was a trip across the english channel to france for a couple of days .....

 

Oh and now she is in a well paid job and her finances are stable plus she has a new boyfriend whom she lives with...and my kids get on well with him , so that's good.

 

I've said things I shouldn't have said, and I really feel guilty about it. That's a lesson for me. I've misjudged your whole being due to one post and it's wrong. Sincere apologies.

 

I have been very vocal about the unfair laws about custody, child and spousal support. Are you paying spousal support too? I really don't believe there's a compelling reason to pay a cheating wife spousal support. I really think that's ridiculous. I am very happy to know that you are not neglecting your father duties at all, very far from what I initially thought. My own father went away with his other woman, had a kid with her, and he never looked back. So I hope you understand my initial outburst as situations like this really hits me home.

 

But I can see now that you are a martyr, and have this tendency to fall in love with wrong women. You need to work on your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. I am not sure but based on your posts, I feel like you are a submissive husband/person who takes all the blame even if you do not deserve it. You need to know that you deserve love the right way.

 

Please post here a lot. People like you are the ones who deserve and need the help and companionship the most, even if it is just online.

[Dusty72]

I've said things I shouldn't have said, and I really feel guilty about it. That's a lesson for me. I've misjudged your whole being due to one post and it's wrong. Sincere apologies.

 

I have been very vocal about the unfair laws about custody, child and spousal support. Are you paying spousal support too? I really don't believe there's a compelling reason to pay a cheating wife spousal support. I really think that's ridiculous. I am very happy to know that you are not neglecting your father duties at all, very far from what I initially thought. My own father went away with his other woman, had a kid with her, and he never looked back. So I hope you understand my initial outburst as situations like this really hits me home.

 

But I can see now that you are a martyr, and have this tendency to fall in love with wrong women. You need to work on your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. I am not sure but based on your posts, I feel like you are a submissive husband/person who takes all the blame even if you do not deserve it. You need to know that you deserve love the right way.

 

Please post here a lot. People like you are the ones who deserve and need the help and companionship the most, even if it is just online.

 

There is really no need to apologise , it was my fault for not posting the full story ...you weren't to know that at the time , so please do not feel guilty , plus thank you for your very kind words.

 

I do not pay spousal maintenance ,although I pay child support , more than the government child support agency deems that i have to pay , because i want my kids to have nice clothes , eat healthily , have great days out ....plus I do spoil them every other weekend when i have them and really enjoy it when they come over.Also i love to take them on holiday which they really enjoy.

 

There is a thing in the UK called 'fathers for justice' , and it is basically about what i mentioned , child custody and the like .....some fathers never get to see their children due to our stupid laws and the judges who decree in the mothers favour 99% of the time ....luckily my childrens mother is very accomodating so i do not have that issue .

 

Thank you once again , I will continue to post as you have made me feel very welcome....i'm sorry that we got off on the wrong foot , so to speak

[l8estnews]

Falling in love is hard. And moving on varies from person to person. So just to give my two cents on your original question, is there a way for you to move on completely that fast? No. But total NO CONTACT can help. We use the term "NC" in this forum for that.

 

If you do not need to talk to your 2nd wife, please avoid doing so. Delete her from all social media, and if there's no reason for you to contact her anymore, delete her number. You will move on. You survived infidelity already, you can survive this again.

 

And follow Satu's advice. Continue your therapy, learn more about yourself and your needs, enjoy being a father as much as you can and if God is willing, you will reap back the love you will cherish your children.

 

Religion aside, LOVE is a powerful source. It can drive people to do things (positive or negative), and if you have loved your 1st wife, 2nd wife and your children sincerely and genuinely, it will surely come back to you. Love is a great force in this world and it's a wonder that a person can create and give this kind of force and I really believe with all my soul that there is no way that won't go back to that person. Where will that love go anyway than towards back to you right?

 

So, love. Even if you got hurt, love.

 

Just keep moving forward, heal, improve yourself, and love. And I bet my soul, you will feel that love back one way or another. Happy Life, buddy.

Edited November 14, 2016 by l8estnews

[Dusty72]

thank you so much for your kind words...

The thing is you are so right about going no contact ,I tried so much to tell her not to contact me but she still did , in the end i gave in and got friendzoned...

 

She hasn't contacted me in about three weeks now since she went on holiday with her new guy....which is good i suppose , she wanted to be friends ,,,which i couldn't understand when the divorce was finalised...but she has gone quiet on me now ....I certainly do not want to contact her...

 

It's weird she blocked me on facebook but still wanted to be friends , i do not need to speak to her but even if i did block her number I'm too scared to do that.

 

and you are right , it was always my fault , she never took responsibility for her actions , she has lied to me ...i'm not saying i was an angel in our relationship but one thing that was a big red flag was that she never did anything with my kids ...she has older children .....so it's not like she is averse to children ...in fact i used to take her youngest swimming , bowling , ice skating with my girls , but all she wanted to do is go horse riding at weekends with her mates.....

 

I feel that she just used me ...but i still love her ....crazy i know !!

Edited November 14, 2016 by Dusty72

[l8estnews]

I feel that she just used me ...but i still love her ....crazy i know !!

 

Identify the things or things that make you so into her. This is definitely not love, but something more on dependency. What makes you so dependent on her?

[Dusty72]

Identify the things or things that make you so into her. This is definitely not love, but something more on dependency. What makes you so dependent on her?

 

great point l8estnews....

I think it stems from the fact that she was (is) a beautiful woman , very pretty...but I know it's just a veneer , scratch the surface and

her true colours come through....I did put her on a huge pedestal...I suppose I need to kick that her off of that in my mind..as she is still metaphorically sitting on it

 

I moved in with her before we were married not really having any friends in her part of the city and yes I was very dependent on her ....I must say ,what you have said has really hit the nail on the head , you know your stuff which I am grateful for and have giving me lots of insights ...I am so grateful to you and to Satu which has made me realise that this is NOT love more an addiction /attachment of sorts....I will work on these things and Time and NC is the only way to go ...I just cannot fathom though why it is taking me so long to move on.

 

I suppose in part that throughout the summer we would meet up for the odd meal , drinks , she would text me about things , occasionly talk on the phone even though I tried to tell her that I didn't want to speak to her unless she was willing to reconcile but she kept reeling me back in to the dreaded friendzone ..which didn't help my healing one little bit.

 

Like I said in earlier posts , I havent heard from her in 3 weeks and I have no intention of contacting her...but I have a question which is , why did she want to be friends when she was the one that divorced me ,she has a new guy in her life whom she met just as the divorce was being finalised (convenient for her) , is she not happy ...of course she is but ...Why does she want this false friendship??

 

When the divorce came through , she texted me to let me know the papers were final ..I responded "ok" ....she then texted me back saying "is that all you have to say , just ok?"...I then texted back saying along the lines of "well what do you want me to say , you have just divorced me , I love you etc etc , I never wanted divorce " ....it just seems so strange!!

 

Apologies for my venting .....lots of unanswered questions , thank you for helping me ...but the pain is still there ...will i be thinking this a year on from now??

Edited November 15, 2016 by Dusty72

[elaine567]

...Why does she want this false friendship??

 

 

The person who initiated the dumping ie the dumper is in a position of power. By the day they announce the split they have usually got over the relationship, or at least got it sorted out in their own mind that they are done.

They are no longer emotionally invested, but that doesn't mean they do not want to stick around in the dumpee's life.

Habits die hard, and if there is no real animosity felt, then it is a big thing to just walk away and never see a person again, so they offer the hand of friendship.

They get the best of both worlds, they are "free", yet they can always call up the ex for some friendly chatter, a cuddle and some comfort.

The dumpee on other hand is blind-sided, hurt, raw and sore, the last thing they want is a friendship, they want things to go back go to what they were...

 

Your wife has moved on to another, she doesn't understand why she cannot be friends with you, in her mind it is all a done deal, it was a done deal long before the split actually for her, so she cannot understand why you would still be sore after all this time...

[l8estnews]

I have to agree with elaine567.

 

You are still in pain, thus all these questions and confusion. But she's already moved on and at peace with her decision, so making friends with you is totally fine with her part. This might not be a "fake friendship" on her part. That's the sad part of breaking up sometimes. One wins, one loses. She's emotionally okay now, you are still coming to terms with the loss.

 

I am no expert in relationships, but I have seen all the patterns around me. The pain you are experiencing, I assume, is already physical. Such heavy weight on your chest that is constantly there throughout the day. Little things remind you of her, and sometimes, you just wanted to talk about her to your common friends or her friends that you know. <- This is a good sign that you are just addicted to her.

 

Based on your posts, I assume you have suffered severe lack of intimacy, relationship and love throughout your life. You tend to force yourself to be strong and be okay with it but it took a huge toll on your emotional well-being. Again, it goes back to self-worth and confidence.

[Dusty72]

Thanks Elaine and l8estnews,

 

Yes i do believe that dumpers want the best of both worlds....and they are done and that they just want you as friends so they can call you up without any commitment on their part....

 

Well , it's gotta be NC for me ...however i have a strong feeling that I dont think that i will here much from her again ...but she is full of surprises and will probably hit me with a text when I'm feeling good and it'll drive me back to square one ....I would block her number but i dont want to come across as childish.

 

L8estnews ... actually I have loved , dumped loved and lost , been very intimate with women in my earlier days ....so I have been on both sides of the coin so to speak ....but this woman ....I don't know why , but she is haunting me ...my first wife , the mother of my children , even tho she cheated on me and i was with for a lot longer didn't affect me to this degree....I cannot grasp why I am obsessed over this particular woman ...maybe because it is the addiction ...anyway thanks you two for given me a better insight ...

[elaine567]

but this woman ....I don't know why , but she is haunting me .....I cannot grasp why I am obsessed over this particular woman

 

I guess this is why.

 

I think it stems from the fact that she was (is) a beautiful woman , very pretty...

[Dusty72]

Hi again Elaine ....

 

Not trying to sound big headed but I have dated beautiful women before ....my first wife was very attractive too when we first started dating.

 

BUT , that not withstanding , I think you have nailed it 100%....I do not want to come across as shallow ...but yes my ex second wife is(was) beautiful , very pretty and a great figure .....but she had zero personality , always looked like she had the world on her shoulders , was very serious , wasn't in to sex as much as me .....she had a low sex drive...even in the early days!!

 

So to come back to your answer as to why she is still haunting me ....I think you are , in fact I don't think ...I know you are right ...!!

 

I suppose I defined my happiness by being with her ....what she gave me was an ego boost , to be out with her in a restaurant , on holiday etc etc made me feel so good about myself ...I always thought that I had a pretty balanced self esteem ....but it appears not !!

 

Thanks for opening my eyes from the rose coloured fog ....any other advice you could offer me would be so much appreciated