The Girl Posted April 24, 2001 Share Posted April 24, 2001 I really need some sound advice right now. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. He just turned 30 and I am 25. We broke up about a month ago due to his feelings of being smothered, and feeling that I was being jealous, or trying to keep too firm of a grip on him. now, since then he has called twice (I have not tried to contact him). And says how much he misses me, but he enjoys his freedom right now as well. He called once again, and this time called to say that he is pretty sure he wants to marry me, and he knows he wants to settle down with me, but he wants to have fun right now with his friends, work on himself and his house, save money, and just enjoy his freedom this summer.That it is not about looking for another relationship. Now...I am willing to give him alot of space, though it will be hard.I am willing because he said those words, "that he wants to be with me at the end, and would like to marry me." (he has never said that before). The problem is that I need advice on how I should handle this. Is this an honest need for space before he makes "the big commitment?"...or is he stringing me along and taking the easy way out of the relationship. I myself have never heard the two phrases, "I want to marry you", and "I need space" in the smae sentence so I am very confused. should I believe him, and wait for him? Should I just see him once a week for now? Or should I tell him I will not wait, and break up for good? HELP Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 24, 2001 Share Posted April 24, 2001 1; "Is this an honest need for space before he makes "the big commitment?"...or is he stringing me along and taking the easy way out of the relationship." Could be either. But first you say "he is pretty sure he wants to marry you." If that is accurate, that isn't very good. A guy who is in love and wants to spend the rest of his life with somebody is "very sure" he wants to marry someone. Whether he is stringing you along or needing space, he is not wanting to devote himself to you right now. That is a danger sign. He simply isn't ready for marriage, which is very much a time thing. If you care deeply for him, play his game for a short while. But if you don't see a dramatic improvement in his treatment of you and his desire to make you an important focus of his life, just move on. This whole love game is more than 50 percent timing. Your time is may be right but it seems his is not quite there yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted April 24, 2001 Share Posted April 24, 2001 There is no way to know, right now, if he is stringing you along. Only time will tell. Besides, if he is, then by the time you find out, you will have already been strung! So, forget it! I would give him all the space he needs. You don't want a penned up man as a husband. And you really don't need to try and coerce him or give him an ultimatum. What you NEED to do is much harder than waiting for him to come to terms with commitment. That's the easy way to handle this. What you need to do is treat yourself good. Don't take his fickleness as personal rejection. Realize that you are a desirable mate. Don't play any games with him or get into any arguments over what he is doing. But, don't take any s*** from him over your freedom either. If he is not interested enough in your relationship to help keep the fire burning, then build your own fire and entertain those who are interested. This guy does not know if he wants to settle down with you. If he did, he would not be doing this. And, if he doesn't know he is taking a big risk of loosing you permanently, then he really does need to be on his own, so he can learn it. Link to post Share on other sites
The Girl Posted April 25, 2001 Share Posted April 25, 2001 I just wanted to thank Ed and Tony for taking the time out to respond with some good advice and thoughts. This is what I did: I called him a few hours ago after a long cry:(, and told him that now I was the one confused. I told him I loved him very much, but that being "in-between" and "waiting around" were just to stressful and painful to me. I told him though it hurts, that I wanted to end the relationship completely rather than dealing with the stress of being "in-between." He is not making this easy. He sounded suprised that now I was the one confused.He asked if it was because of another guy. I told him it was because I did not want to be hurt again, or in the end. He said he will call me tommorow to see if I have changed my mind. I am not going to answer his call, and I told him that. He did not want to hear that, and said "you know it's not over for good," I will call you tommorow. He may be in for a big suprise. Maybe losing me for a while or for good will make him realize what he lost. Maybe by that point if it comes, I won't even care what his realizations are. I hope I did the right thing. The stress of this over the last month was almost unbearable and very painful. It will be very painful to have lost him. It will be painful to ignore the man that I love's phone calls. But as painful as this is, at least I am moving on~~forward, instead of being in pain and stagnating with him, and having my needs drowned by his indecision. Thanks again you two for your wonderful advice to me Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 25, 2001 Share Posted April 25, 2001 What you did took a great amount of strength and you will be a much better person for it. Some of the most painful things we do in life are the greatest growth experiences. Not tolerating his indecision instead of letting him jack you around at will is certainly best for you. Yes, it will take time to get through. But in life there are often losses that are absolutely necessary so we can free ourselves to move on in other directions. He didn't seem to care enough to waver and wanted to put off talking further until tomorrow...thinking you may change your mind. I'm glad you ruled that out. Once again, that took a lot of strength. Good for you!!! People like him will jerk your chain forever if you let them. You did good. Now be very kind to yourself, do some nice things for yourself, spend time with friends that you have perhaps neglected for a period and remember this experience. Don't take crap off of anybody...EVER!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted April 25, 2001 Share Posted April 25, 2001 about this guy. He seems to want his cake and eat it too. Well, I think you have handled this in the best possible way. Just continue to do as you have done..walk away, don't contact him, don't be his little buddy. Just leave him high and dry. I think the decision to be with you has to come from within and this is the way. Maybe when he realises he has lost a wonderful woman and companion that will give him the kick in the arse (pardon the French) that he needs. But then again, maybe not..at least then you will find out now and not after two years of marriage that he wanted more. He deserves points for being honest with you here. Time will tell I hope it works out best for you. Oliver Link to post Share on other sites
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