TJ521 Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Hi Everyone, This is my first post here. I've been married 3 1/2 years and unfortunately have been having issues since the beginning. We are however, blessed with a beautiful son, 2 1/2 yo. Both my husband and I are equally responsible for nit picking at each other and hitting below the belt when we argue. He however tends to escalate things and becomes verbally abusive. He frequently does this in the presence of our son. Lately I have been removing my son and myself from the home when he gets like this. A year ago my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer and slowly became disabled (unable to walk/use his hands). After several rounds of treatment and physical therapy I'm happy to say he is on the road to recovery. He is now cancer free and gaining back his strength/ability to walk. During the illness I did everything I could to support him. I became a nurse, caretaker, chef, and driver... on top of working a full time job and taking care of our son. The pressure and stress of this has taken a toll on me. I feel less like a wife and more like a roommate. Unfortunately, the abuse has gotten worse. We constantly fight/argue. I've talked to him about how unhappy I am and he calls me a quitter...stating I only married him for his money. Meanwhile we both entered into the marriage on the same financial playing field. I am in therapy to manage my anger/communication issues. But the more I try to implement what I learn in therapy the angrier it makes him. Has anyone out there been through something similar? Could/Should I be doing something differently? TIA for taking the time to read this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Has anyone out there been through something similar? Could/Should I be doing something differently? Have never (fortunately) been through this myself but I've seen this play out with several relatives - the person who's sick comes to resent the caretaker, seems to be worse if it's a spouse. I'd guess their anger and helplessness leads them to lash out and you just happen to be the closest target. Certainly not excusable and, if your H was thinking rationally, not productive in his condition. Why are you in therapy alone and not with him? Does he get IC? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TJ521 Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 We were in marriage counseling before he got sick. After he went into the hospital I started IC again to cope. When he returned home in June 2016 he wanted to focus on physical therapy instead. He just began IC last week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 He just began IC last week. Are you willing to wait and see what kind of progress he makes? Where do you go when you "remove" yourself from the house? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TJ521 Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 Some days I feel like giving up on the marriage and other days I want to keep working at it. I'll go to my parents home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Sick or not, he has absolutely no right to abuse you and upset your son. Where do you go when your remove yourself and your child? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 I see that you answered my question. How do your respective families see the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TJ521 Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 I see that you answered my question. How do your respective families see the situation? My parents recognize where we both are at fault and encourage me to keep working on the marriage. I'm not sure where his parents stand. I am very lucky in that both our parents are a great support system in helping us. But when my mother-in-law forces her way into our bedroom to help him dress part of me becomes resentful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Did he have a tendency to behave the way he does before he became ill? Thats a key question when it comes to deciding what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TJ521 Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 Did he have a tendency to behave the way he does before he became ill? Thats a key question when it comes to deciding what to do. Yes he did. He's punched holes in the wall and on one occasion threw our son at me when he was upset. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Lucky is correct with a lot of that. I have been on he caretaker side. What you need to be aware of is the in your role, with the huge amount of pressure on you, you will become angry and irritable. Your needs are not being met, in any way. You are doing all the work, and it is one of the hardest things that someone can do. But, to a point, you need to be patient, as well. This is something that some people have to do. And could you live with yourself if you did not give it your all? Your husband is probably lashing out because he feels helpless. Because he feels useless, and because he feels like he has let you and your child down. It is not his fault that he got cancer but that does not matter. Right now he is not a man in his eyes and that is a super hard thing for a man to deal with. When he starts to feel better overall, you will need to let him know that he is your man and that your love him. Not just sex, what he will need it to see respect and love in your eyes for him. That is what will speed his healing, your respect and love no matter what. You guys still need to go to IC and MC as time allows because you both have a trauma to recover from. Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Yes he did. He's punched holes in the wall and *on one occasion threw our son at me when he was upset. Then this isn't really about his illness. *Given his violent tendencies, you'd be perfectly within your rights to just leave him. I definitely would. He is highly abusive. I'm sorry, but I don't see any kind of good future for you and your child, with him. You should seriously consider leaving him for good. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JellyTot Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 He's punched holes in the wall and on one occasion threw our son at me when he was upset. If he was behaving like this before he was ill then it's no surprise he's behaving like this now. The violence isn't a consequence of his illness (if it was then I could have forgiven him for being temporarily mean when he's having such a hard time). It sounds like this behavior was part of his personality before he was even ill. Personally I'd have left him when he punched the wall and threw my child. A leopard doesn't change its spots. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 Do you want a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 He's punched holes in the wall and on one occasion threw our son at me when he was upset. I'm always amazed when an OP drops something like this into a thread in post #10. TJ521, isn't this the most important thing you've written here so far? You should proceed with caution and have boundaries in place until/if he can demonstrate progress in therapy... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 My x-husband ...who is still a friend of mine... Had CA, twice. Each time I was his care taker...it's in my blood ( medical family..4th generation). He went thru every personality change possible....depressed, elated, angry...dismal...and lashed out. He trusted me though ....and I valued his circumstance as challenging. I was not patient at times...nor he either. Some meds were the cause and sometimes it was old habits of hiding the fear thru anger. Yet I knew him well enough to know when to dissipate his fears before anger ascended. I commend you for getting therapy. An objective and support person can clear the discord. Your husband is responsible for his behavior and thoughts and actions. That is his to re align. I can't say that either of us resented the other. We both though resented the illness and what it did to his health...guess having that perspective gave us reprieve from thinking we had to fight one another....but instead use the energy to fight the illness . Once he got the all clear...he still had residual effects.. of worry. That it may come back again.... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 He's punched holes in the wall and on one occasion threw our son at me when he was upset. What the heck! Leave him and seek a restraining order to protect your child from physical abuse. Why are you trying to "work on" someone who would throw an innocent child? There is NO excuse for that behaviour. Think of your child. Get away from this abuser. Link to post Share on other sites
fivegrands Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 First and foremost, if you and/or your child are in any physical danger, get out of the way. I'm glad to hear you have done that in the past, but there is NO REASON for you to risk either of you being harmed when he is angry. Second, I commend you for being a care taker while caring for your son, working and running the home. That has not been an easy task, and I'm glad to hear you have been in counseling. No one can tell you whether to stick it out in this marriage, because that is something only you can determine. Can you talk with a friend, pastor or relative that knows both of you and can give you some good advice? Stay strong and keep showing love. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 Both my husband and I are equally responsible for nit picking at each other and hitting below the belt when we argue. He however tends to escalate things and becomes verbally abusive. He frequently does this in the presence of our son. Lately I have been removing my son and myself from the home when he gets like this. Now is the time to set very strong boundaries and never cross that line. NO name calling or hitting below the belt. I hope your husband gets anger management, as well as does MC with you (if you two decide to give it one last shot). For the sake of your son, he needs to get help - Regardless if you two fix things as husband and wife or if you divorce, he has to learn to control his anger/mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 ...well, almost. Basically I am married (2 years now) to a man who has stage 3 kidney cancer. I quickly learned he was controlling, obsessive, and emotionally abusive. He wanted me completely to himself. I tried to make it work for over 2 years. I've been in pretty intensive marriage therapy for 16 months, trying to navigate this insanity. I finally realized he wasn't going to change, and didn't care to look at his own faults, only mine. It basically got to the point where I felt I had to choose between my grown daughters and him. I chose my daughters. I moved out and got a house with my girls. He has not handled it well. The point I want to make to you is that it is not your fault he is sick. It is not your burden to stay with him because of the guilt you may be feeling, especially if he is abusive to you - and especially your son! If I am off base, I apologize, but I know my biggest issue has been dealing with the guilt of leaving someone who is sick. As guilty as I still feel, I just have to tell myself I did not make him sick and I cannot cure him. If he were a more kind, compassionate person himself, I would have been at his side to our dying days, as I promised. You have to take care of yourself and your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 There is no excuse for his behaviour but may I just ask how long before the actual diagnosis was he being like this? Link to post Share on other sites
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