Would you divorce?

[53791263]

37 yr old male married to a 32 yr old female for 7 years, no kids.

 

I met my wife in college during a very dark time. I returned from a military deployment and had some minor ptsd. I was in jail twice over 2 years, living in a frat house and getting into fights. She took me in when I really needed it. Since then I've worked hard, recruited for the military for 8 years, then started my own business were I make 6 figures. I bought her a house, I paid for her MS degree and I've sought treatment for her alcoholism (she refused to go, said she would stop, that was 3 years ago). I brought her to marriage counseling 2.5 years ago, she stopped going once the therapist zeroed in on her lack of coping issue and general depressive and highly manipulative mind. I then wen to the VA for therapy for 6 months, they said I was a high functioning adult. They requested that my wife and I start couples therapy, she declined, she's too busy for that.

 

We don't really connect well or see eye to eye often. Her mothers side of the family has always been a little eccentric and odd. Her mother has become delusional in the past 5 years, she is diagnosed as being delusional, bi-polar and obsessive compulsive. You wouldn't believe how destructive these mental illnesses are, they completely destroy whole families. This is my first experience with it and I was amazed at how bad and completely unmanageable things get. I suspect my wife might have borderline personality disorder or maybe that she is just modeling her mom, since she was exposed to mental illmess her whole life. My wife will go against me on subjects that we are in complete alignment with in private, once in public she will go a completely different direction than what we were once in complete agreement on. When she goes against me on issues like this, in public, it causes me to feel socialy abondoned somewhat, like, what the heck was that for, what did I do to you?

 

She kicked me out of the house two weeks ago over a fight we had about one of these topics that we were in complete allignment on. I did not yell, but she spit in my face. I still didn't yell, but I told her I was going to have sex with a woman at work that was attracted to me. I would never do that and have never said anything like that before, but I was very angry about just being spit on. She took her rings off and said she was going to pawn them, this was probably the 4th time she's done this in 7 years. She kicked me out and I went to live with a buddy for 4 days. I set up a meeting with a divorce attorney midway through this seperation but she texted me a picture of a suicide note prior to the meeting with the attorney. I called 911 and the cops wanted my to commit her. I refused to show them the suicide note and they left not wanting to embarras her. We have decided to reconcile but it only descended into another fight and know we are separated again.

 

She drinks a box of wine every 3-4 days and smokes a pack a day. She has a job. She interviews people via Skype for various position, works for a 3rd party HR company. She works 20-25 hours a week, makes enough to pay for her wine, cigarette and subscription beauty products. She probably spends 25-30 hours a week laying in bed watching netflix. then 2 hours a day standing outside smoking cigarettes while staring at her iphone. Basically its from the bed, to the front porch to smoke, to the refrigerator to get more wine, then back to the bed.... all day 2 years ago she was laying on a heating blanket and it gave her this huge grayish bruise all ofer her lower back. It was frightening. Her sister saw once and was like, OMG WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!! I looked at her and, yeah, that's from watching Netflix all day while laying on a heating pad!

 

After the suicide not incident I basically told everyone in her family and mine every single thing I said here and that we are getting a divorce unless she goes to Dialectical Behavioaral Therapy sessions for at least 6 months. I want to have kids but she needs to do this first. I feel that after exposing all of this to everyone we know that I've caused such damage to the marriage that I'm not sure if things could ever work again. My wife is very kind, she loves everyone. I feel bad about all this because she really is a good person, beautiful and trustworthy. My main issue is her inability to change for the better. She has smoked a pack a day since I met her 10 years ago and dstill drinks the same or more even though she's now 32. I think it's disrespectful to ruin your health and watch that much Netflix when you're married. I've been on her like every week about quiting smoking for 10 years, it's gotten to the point that I basinally hold her in complete contempt for her inability to respect herslef and control her emotions.

 

I've been reaching out to family about this now and thought I'd get an opinion here too. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and used. All the best

Edited November 14, 2016 by 53791263

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been reaching out to family about this now and thought I'd get an opinion here too. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and used. All the best

 

Your situation and the attendant issues are way beyond the scope of an online forum. If your wife is delusional, mentally ill and suicidal, she's obviously not able to function in a marital or parental role.

 

Both of your roles in her threatened suicide - her note and your refusal to share it - are disturbing. Hope the two of you continue to get therapy and assistance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Divorce is not a priority here. Solving mental health issues is unless you want to those as grounds for divorce. But that wouldn't be a fair trial

[PegNosePete]

I don't see anything to save in this train wreck. You will never live happily ever after with this woman. You should get divorced and tell her to get professional help. Then move on in your life.

 

Thank goodness you never had kids. What a terrible situation they would be in.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 53, if you ask me, yes I would divorce in these circumstances. I think, if what you say is true, that you have done enough to get your wife back on track and she HSS not responded. As time goes on she is going to go wooly in her head from all her drinking if she does'nt suffer from lung cancer or emphysema before that. She is already predisposed to mental illness because of genetic reasons and it is only a matter of time before her dormant illness raises it's ugly head. If you did not know about her genetic history before marrying her and she kept it a secret or did not reveal it fully before you committed to her then I think you are morally in a position to divorce her. However, you will have to make sure that s family member is always with her so that she does not harm herself when you pull the plug. Just my opinion. Warm wishes.

[miltie1916]

Kudos to you for hanging in there and the wisdom of not yet having children. Exhaust all other options before seeking divorce. I think you missed an opportunity when you did not share the suicide note with the authorities. Enlisting the help of a trusted friend or family member to get your wife into therapy would be a good option. Perhaps an intervention may be necessary

[53791263]

UPDATE:

 

So I filed for divorce on Friday. My wife moved back into the house last Tuesday, it is her house as much as mine, so not much I can say, we live in separate rooms. Last night she broke a little and asked why I even want a divorce. I printer out the story that starts this thread and told her this is why. She read it over and said that her mom was not diagnosed as bi-polar, she was however diagnosed as delusional and depressed. My wife also stated that I self diagnosed her as having a borderline personality, she disagrees. I don't like to label people, but borderline and all of it's accompanying symptoms are the best tag I can find for how she acts, so that's what I named it.

 

She does not want to divorce, but she has not once addressed the drinking, smoking and the fact that she has a MS degree and chooses to work for $10 an hours on a part time basis. She earns $900 a month and that's all spent on wine, cigarettes, beauty subscription products and whatever gifts she buys for people. I paid for that MS degree so she could be an equal partner in this relationship, she was clear on that when I met her 9 years ago. Her two sisters have MS degrees, so I paid for my wife to get one so she would feel equal to them because I know how sensitive she is and also so she could contribute to the family finances.

 

So she came to me last night and sat at the corner of the bed while I was falling to sleep and said she didn't want a divorce and that I'm being unreasonable. She held a compassionate tone for 1 - 2 minutes and then, as always, began with the personal attacks on me. ('I'm a selfish narcissist and a sociopath because all I care about is money'. 'Her family sees right through me'. 'I'm a product of divorce so I'm messed up from the beginning'. She's going to find a rich athlete and I'l be sorry'. 'I'll only find unattractive women with kids'. 'I'll never find what I want'. 'You don't have a degree so ____________'. Don't forget were you came from, you're whit trash'.

 

She calls me a selfish narcissist and sometimes a sociopath often. I am very ambitious. I've always wanted to be self employed and have complete financial freedom to travel the world and then to raise a family free of financial restrictions. I read roughly 36 business / mindset books a year for the past 4 years about self improvement, because I don't have any degrees so I have to teach myself. I'm the past two years I have become the self employed person I always wanted to be and I earned more last year than I ever thought I would starting out.

 

My wife claims that she has always supported me but the truth is she belittles my ambitions and my lack of a formal education often. When I first started in real estate and left my career in the military as a recruiter, she would make comments such as: 'oh, you think you're going to be some rich house flipper'. 'Everyone sees that you've changed, we all see right through you'. All you care about is money'.

 

I don't neglect my wife in the pursuit of business. I've taken her to Germany, France, Spain, Portugal and Costa Rica all in the past 3 years. I offer to take her out to new restaurants every other day.

 

She's made no comments about going into therapy on her own. She has definitely not brought up her under employed situation and what she aims to do about it. She did mention that she made an appointment to see a doctor about quiting smoking (do you need a doctor to motivate you to quit? JUST QUIT WITH THE F'ING SMOKING!) She seems to drink just as much. 7-8 liters of wine a weeks or 1.5 -2 bottles a day.

 

I went on Match.com a few weeks ago and found that there actually are hundreds of single or divorced woman that are attractive and within 30 miles of me. Went on 2 dates with an attorney, a motivated, lively, intelligent attorney.

[Mr. Lucky]

Went on 2 dates with an attorney, a motivated, lively, intelligent attorney.

 

IMHO, completely inappropriate when you're just starting to divorce and still living with your wife.

 

You both seem to have boundary issues and a focus on inflicting pain rather than solving problems. You might allocate some of your self-help reading time to successful relationships...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

Went on 2 dates with an attorney, a motivated, lively, intelligent attorney.

Do you mean you had 2 appointments with a divorce attorney to discuss your situation and to get professional assistance dissolving your marriage and splitting the assets? Or do you mean you went on actual dates with someone who just happens to be an attorney??

 

Look, you need to stop discussing things with your wife. Just say you want a divorce, you've explained your reasons, and nothing she says will change her mind and you don't want to talk about it any more. By entering into discussions you're just making things worse.

[elaine567]

I think this relationship such as it is, is destroying her and she thus self medicates with alcohol. She most likely has issues which this marriage is obviously not solving. Some people are just not compatible

You do not really like her as she is NOT the woman you want her to be. YOU feel entitled to the "motivated, lively, intelligent attorney" instead.

YOU do need to divorce her, for her good as much as yours, but in the meantime there is no need to punish her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, having read the comments here I get the feeling that people are in a way, trying to lay the blame for his wife's behaviour, on the OP. I agree that there is incompatibility but the wife has had a drinking and smoking problem from the start of the relationship. If what OP has said is true then I think he has tried his best to get her motivated to get help of herself but she has consistently refused to do so. I do not know what else he could have done to improve on the situation. Theatre man has paid for her MS degree and has bought a house for her, taken her on trips abroad and worked hard to improve his own capacity to earn a good income so that she can have a good life. On the other hand she has not done anything positive or productive to contribute to the marriage.

I agree with Mr. Lucky that OP should desist from dating anyone till he is free as that would have a negative impact on his wife and is totally unnecessary. However, while reading relationship books are a good idea for anyone in a relationship, to suggest reading them as a means of working on or improving an already dead relationship is, to my mind, an exercise in futility. As per what he had said, he holds her in contempt for her inability to help herself and stop abusing her body. How would relationship advice, that too from books, help him improve his current relationship? His putting in for a divorce may just be what the doctor ordered for his wife and give her the motivation to pull herself up with her boot strings. The OP can always put the divorce proceedings on hold if he finds that she is making a significant improvement in her lifestyle change. Just my thinking I suppose.

[loveboid]

I would divorce, yes. I would study alimony laws in your state. Don't be nice to her financially. She is on her own. She would only come back for more until there's none left.

 

If she wants one penny for this, make her pay one penny for that. Nothing for free. Nothing. It is 50/50 in most states so stay 50/50.

 

If she won't settle out of court or attend divorce mediation shut off Netflix. You don't need to pay that.

 

Make her pay her half of filing fees and any mediation fees.

[LilyMila]

Its almost never one person's fault when a marriage dissolves. I don't know you, but from what you post, your wife have problems, but I can also see you also have contributed to the marriage fall apart.

 

I don't neglect my wife in the pursuit of business. I've taken her to Germany, France, Spain, Portugal and Costa Rica all in the past 3 years. I offer to take her out to new restaurants every other day.

Spending plenty of money on another person or paying for her schooling is not the same as caring about someone emotionally. Maybe it is also one of the reason why she accused you of only caring about money.

 

Went on 2 dates with an attorney, a motivated, lively, intelligent attorney.

I agree with other posters. This makes you look petty and narcissistic. Your priority is all wrong here. If the marriage is over, then work on how to split up, heal, self reflect, instead of dive into another relationship. Of course, she was lovely. The first impression you get from a date is usually not representative of the real person. I am sure you said similar positive things about your wife 9 years ago.

[vla1120]

I see verbal and emotional abuse on both sides - you telling her you're going to have sex with someone from work and diagnosing her with mental illnesses, her calling you uneducated and white trash, etc.

 

I spent 32 years with a man who, at every turn, told me I "needed professional help". The funny thing is that once I divorced his verbally and emotionally abusive ass, I found an internal peace I never had before, and those "mental illnesses" he accused me of having seemed to have dissipated on their own.

 

You have no kids. You've filed for divorce. I don't see much hope for reconciliation unless you both put an end to the verbal and emotional abuses you inflict on one another. Move forward with your life, but if you have one iota of respect left for the woman you married, spare her the embarrassment of you gallivanting around with other women, at least until you are no longer living under the same roof.

[53791263]

I went on 2 dates with a 48 year old. She's ridiculously hot, could pass for 30, I'm 37. Met her on Tinder 1.5 weeks ago.

 

The first date was good, we connected well. I dropped her off, hugged and said bye.

 

The second date was 2 days later and it was all hand holding, cuddling and making out for 5 minutes at the end. I asked if she wanted to go somewhere and she said she would have me over next weekend when her ex has her 13 yr daughter so we could get down.

 

She texted me two days after that and said 'I'm sexually intrigued by you' 'I imagine what you look and feel like' 'we have crazy chemistry' 'I want to get close every-time I'm near you' 'I've very attracted by the way you look and act'. We agreed that we should act on this crazy chemistry cause it's rare and we should enjoy it.

 

Two days after that I try to reschedule our third date to see a comedy show. Instead of rescheduling she cancels and says she just wants to go out of town this weekend, and to not be a stranger. She just acted coldly with the next text, like a one word nothing. I texted her the next day asking her whats up and that I don't play games with people and don't want to be played either and that I thought she felt the same about me as I her, especially since the texts two days prior. Asked if she wanted to be friends, FWB or have a relationship so that I could temper my expectations. I'm newly divorced and running a business and don't have the emotions to spare.

 

She said initially she wanted to have a flirty friend relationship, then wanted a real relationship but decided I wasn't her 'one' because I might want a child at some point and she didn't want to regret anything. I am also 11 years younger.

 

We spoke on the phone after that and she confirmed that if she saw me again it would lead to us getting naked and her thinking that that was happening quickly. She says we have 'crazy chemistry' and she can't keep her hands off me. She's worried about a short term relationship, about getting hurt. I told her that it's basically better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all - in a much more eloquent fashion. Told her that I could easily develop feeling for her and that's fine with me, I'm prepared because it's worth it even though most relationship fail. Told her that our crazy chemistry doesn't happen often and we should enjoy it, she agreed!

 

So she said she canceled due to her emotions having just fought with her older sister for the first time in her life. The fight caused her to reevaluate her life a little and re-center.

 

She told me that she wants to keep up the contact that we've been having but doesn't want to set any new dates now. The texts we've been having are all very flirtatious, cutesy emojis and all that heavy stuff.

 

Should I just play cool and not communicate with her at all? Should I text her that I've got dates lined up and need to move on and that if she wants to turn the heat up to let me know?

 

My experience with women is that once the opportunity passes, it's gone forever, and that it's just time to move along. We had some hardcore chemistry going on.

[William]

This thread has been closed at the OP's request ~T