what is your take on this?

[wiseman6716]

Age 31. Dating a girl age 27 for 3 years. At the end of Aug. I find out she stayed with a mutual friend while I was out of town. Told me at the time nothing happened, but I have my doubts. Anyway she decided to break it off when I discovered this. 3 weeks went by, and I missed my best friend. I texted her saying that. We texted back and forth very little for the next week. In the mean time was hanging out and talking to the other guy.

 

It was too hard for to let go So I sent couple of emails, and sent flowers. She responded and we talked for 3 hours one night. I told her I still wanted to make things work and she said she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. We agreed to see each other a few days later, and things went great. We texted back and forth, and talked on the phone for another week. She agreed to meet again. I knew, though at this point she was still talking to the other guy and me. We went out and had a great night, and at the end of the night, I told her she needed to let me know if she cared enough about the relationship to try and work it out. I could tell she did not want to make this call at that time, but I could not go any longer competing.

 

She said she wasnt sure what she wanted and did not want to lead me on. We hugged and cried together for almost an hour, and I asked her one last time if she was sure because if she didnt give it a chance we would never know. And she said I'm sorry I just can't right now. I told her I loved her and left. The next morning she texted me and said she didnt hate me, still wanted to be friends, and talk, she just didnt want to lead me on when she wasnt sure. I emailed her stating i know she didnt hate me, we shared something special, and its going to be hard for me. Not to forget about us, and she deserved to be happy. She responded, I will never forget the love between us, it hurt her to see me upset, it will be hard for her and she will never loose my number.

 

Stating she believes if its truly meant to be we will find each other again. This girl is stubborn, but I love her and for the first time in 3 years she told me she loved me in the last email. She texted me afterwards to tell me she wanted to return a gift I got her and I said to keep it, it was a gift. I told her Thank you for expressing her feelings, and I will always be here for us, to always have trust and believe in me and us. That was our last communication 5 days ago. Over the weekend she went to dinner with the other guy she has been seeing, his parents, and a group of our friends.

 

I started to try and talk to others and line up dates at this time. My question is She was more than just my girlfriend and partner, she was my best friend. I told her everything, and thats the hardest of losing her. Do I try and remain in contact while I am attempting to see other people? Simply to keep my best friend? Not as partners. If so when is to late or to soon? I know the relationship s gone at this point, but I truly would like to remain in touch. To add, we are both in a wedding party together in 2 weeks.

 

THank you for any advice.

Edited November 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[VeveCakes]

There is 0 chance you can heal and remain friends.

 

You will have to find a new best friend...I'm sorry.

 

You need to go strict NC as she has made it clear she is moving on.

[JewelD]

She cheated on you. Why do you need her friendship? She's clearly not a good friend. Move on.

[Zahara]

Best friends don't cheat. I think you're romanticizing your relationship rather than looking at the reality of what and who she is.

 

Stay NC. You'll always feel emotionally affected if you keep in contact. She is not your friend. She is an ex. A cheater as well.

[wiseman6716]

I know you guys are right, and friends told me not to reach out when I did. As everyone knows is easier said than done.

 

Does anyone think their was truth to what she said at all, and is she still hurting or have feelings at this point of over a month talking to someone else.

 

It hurts to think someone moved on so fast from a 3 year relationship.

[JewelD]

I know you guys are right, and friends told me not to reach out when I did. As everyone knows is easier said than done.

 

Does anyone think their was truth to what she said at all, and is she still hurting or have feelings at this point of over a month talking to someone else.

 

It hurts to think someone moved on so fast from a 3 year relationship.

 

No. But it doesn't matter. She had obviously checked out of the relationship well before you actually broke up. No point in trying to analyze her words, look at her actions and you'll see how much she cares about you.

[wiseman6716]

Regarding the wedding in 2 weeks. My thoughts were to ask her if she plans to bring the other guy as a date. We will be on a party bus in between wedding and reception, and I don't want to be subjected to that. I was politely going to ask her and tell her I would not bring a date as well. Thoughts? I even thought about dropping out of the wedding.

[Zahara]

I know you guys are right, and friends told me not to reach out when I did. As everyone knows is easier said than done.

 

Does anyone think their was truth to what she said at all, and is she still hurting or have feelings at this point of over a month talking to someone else.

 

It hurts to think someone moved on so fast from a 3 year relationship.

 

I think what you've taught her is that you have no boundaries and I hate to say this, self-respect. Someone betrays you and you send flowers.

 

I think she spews words. She already lied by cheating on you. So I wouldn't place too much weight on her words.

 

Maybe she was checking of the relationship. Most times, dumpers are slowly detaching from a relationship so by the time she ended, she was already moving on to whatever she had her sights on. I have to think that there was more hanky panky going on way before August.

[wiseman6716]

Its hard for me to admit that, But yes I think something was going on, on and off for almost a year behind my back. Not all the time, as she was with me, but on occasions I have a belief it was

[JewelD]

Regarding the wedding in 2 weeks. My thoughts were to ask her if she plans to bring the other guy as a date. We will be on a party bus in between wedding and reception, and I don't want to be subjected to that. I was politely going to ask her and tell her I would not bring a date as well. Thoughts? I even thought about dropping out of the wedding.

 

You need to leave her alone. It's not your business or your place to request that she come alone to make you feel better. Either suck it up and go to the wedding or drop out.

[wiseman6716]

Any advice on how to handle this wedding coming up. The guy has been my friend since we were kids. To add fuel to the fire, He and his fiance was at the dinner over the weekend with my ex and her new boyfriend and his parents, which indeed pissed me off

[Zahara]

Any advice on how to handle this wedding coming up. The guy has been my friend since we were kids. To add fuel to the fire, He and his fiance was at the dinner over the weekend with my ex and her new boyfriend and his parents, which indeed pissed me off

 

I would bow out of the wedding. Explain to your friend. Send a nice gift. Sit back and self-preserve.

 

I'm sure the couple will be surrounded by friends and family to support them on this special day and I am sure they will understand the difficult predicament you are in. You can always visit them after the wedding and spend some time reconnecting.

 

Work on your self-esteem. Next time, listen to your instincts. And you really need to stay NC with this woman.

[elaine567]

Any advice on how to handle this wedding coming up. The guy has been my friend since we were kids. To add fuel to the fire, He and his fiance was at the dinner over the weekend with my ex and her new boyfriend and his parents, which indeed pissed me off

 

I thought he was your friend not hers? Why on earth was she and her new bf there?

[wiseman6716]

His fiance and my ex were friends before we started dating. Me and the guy have been friends since we were kids. How we met. Sorry for not clarifying

[bummer]

The wedding sounds like a tangled mess of a worst-case-scenario. Sorry man.

 

Depending on how much you care about the perception of others:

 

If you go, behave, dont get wasted, enjoy yourself and not pout... your friends will think you're being a true gentleman and an adult.

 

If you bow out, you can pity-party with yourself, self-preserve, refocus, and keep healing... those who notice your absence will know the reason and may feel bad or think you're being a wuss.

 

She's already moved on emotionally leaving you to mop up your heart. It was a long-relationship. I think you're entitled to bow out gracefully, no shame. A part of me says it's just one night, suck it up the best you can, and go. If you decide to go, go solo (no tinder dates) and be sure you aren't sitting at her table. Don't bother whether she brings new guy or not, just assume she will and mentally prepare yourself to be strong and have fun... and dont get drunk.

 

As a side note, August to now isn't a big break, give yourself time to heal before dating.

[wiseman6716]

I want to attend and as of now I plan to. Just asking for help how to handle it. As we both are in the wedding party.

[Zahara]

I want to attend and as of now I plan to. Just asking for help how to handle it. As we both are in the wedding party.

 

Just as Bummer suggested. Stay away from alcohol. Keep a distance. Don't engage but if you have to or if she engages, short and sweet response and excuse yourself. Absolutely NO talk about the relationship. If you feel emotional, step away and regroup.

[aloneinaz]

If you have to go to the wedding and i wouldn't personally, see if you can find a date. Even if it's a friends hot sister. You will feel terrible if you're there alone and she's with her new guy.

 

I also agree w/not drinking booze as bad things can happen. I personally would act calm, cool and collected and like she's just some other gal there that you don't know. If she catches you looking at her/them and your sad and bummed, she'll get a huge ego boost and think she's all that and a bag of chips.

 

That relationship you had w/her is over. Whether she cheated or not, it doesn't matter. She chose him over you and now you need to vanish like a fart in the wind. I would NOT engage w/her again. Block her number or even better, change your phone number. It would only stroke her ego, and make you look weak, pathetic and desperate.

 

We all know some relationships simply run their course. One or the other loses interest and it ends. Now's the time to heal from it and when you're ready, start looking for you next one.

[bummer]

I want to attend and as of now I plan to. Just asking for help how to handle it. As we both are in the wedding party.

 

Oh man. I almost added an addendum to my post that of course if you are part of the wedding party, you have to go. So now you are definitely saying you have to go! Wow, and are you paired with your ex to walk down the aisle??

 

Mandatory:

1. So again, stay sober or stick to a few well-spaced drinks for social appearances.

 

2. Smile.

 

3. Cry because you are happy for the couple, if you're crying about you, step away.

 

4. Eat dinner, survive the toasts, then uber your way out! Don't stick around longer than you need. Right after the toasts is appropriate.

 

5. Make a wingman. Nominate one of your other buddies who you trust with your life preferably who is a groomsman also. Make him your guardian for the night. Tell him everything and ask him to keep an eye on your drinking, an eye on your eyes, and an eye on your conversations. When you're awkwardly standing around, go talk to him. Be sure to buy him something nice afterwards. remember your friends are yours forever and will defend your honor from the treachery of this harlot woman if they are worth their salt.

 

6. When she comes to introduce the new guy, say hi, nice to meet you, and tell him you like his tie. Then banter about the sports teams in your area if applicable until she hopefully wisks him away so you dont see his overlapper a$$ again. If the conversation lingers, excuse yourself politely to fix the groom's bowtie, get a water, or take a piss.

6a. if she corner's you to "talk" tell her "maybe later. I want to enjoy tonight. have fun!" then walk away.

7. if you find yourself compromised emotionally (anger, jealousy, sadness, whatever) excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. call your wingman in for backup.

 

Optional:

8. Make sure you dance with the hottest single bridesmaid or guest.

8a. Get a kiss at the end of the dance.

 

 

Just as Zahara said. and please come back and tell us how it went.

[NopeNah]

As has been said: Do not over do it on the booze at the wedding. That could turnout very,very bad!

 

I'd find a date or female friend to go with.

[wiseman6716]

Long story short, caught my girlfriend of 3 years cheat at the end of august.

We broke up and she stayed with the guy she cheated with. whom was a mutual friend of everyone;s in our social circle.

 

We talked up until last thursday off and on, where we said we loved each other but she went her own way. Then NC started.

 

I have a friend who I've known all my life. Best Friend. My ex had been friends with his fiance for close to 10 years. This is how we met. FYI They are getting married in 2 weeks we are both in wedding.

 

What happened was through facebook, mutual friends/not friends with ex, It came to my attention a big group 12-15 went out to dinner. My best friend and his fiance were there with my ex and her new BF. This I would not have a problem with, the fiance was friends with my ex before we dated, I have no right to say who they can hang out with. However, what struck me was my ex's new boyfriends parents and brother was there.

 

I called my best friend today, explained to him I would never ask or expect him or his fiance to not see or hang out with my ex and her new BF. Its not business. I said however, I felt a line was crossed with loyalty to our friendship when you had dinner with her new BF's parents and family. He said he did not know they were going to be present, but felt it wasn't a big deal if he did. I said wasn't mad, as I wasn't sure if they knew or not.

 

Was I in the wrong? For saying this.

[aloneinaz]

I think your buddy was caught between a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't hold it against him. Yes, he and his gal need to be sensitive to your situation but they have to still navigate through their social network as well.

 

I'd simply focus on moving forward in your life. Your ex has clearly moved on to this new guy. You need to do the same w/out causing too much drama for the folks who are caught in the middle of it. It's clearly not easy for anybody involved.

[ChickiePops]

Yes, you were in the wrong.

 

Your ex is a pig for cheating. Your ex friend is a pig for cheating with your ex. Your social circle is questionable for seemingly siding with your ex and the other dude.

 

BUT

 

You yourself said that you are ok with your ex and the guy still hanging with your friends. If that's the case then you don't get to dictate who is invited where when they hang out.

[ChickiePops]

This might not be a popular opinion but I think your ex and your best friend are insensitive warthogs. She's only been with this guy for a couple of months..why in the world does he need to come to this wedding? Your ex should go alone and you two should politely keep your distance from each other all night.

 

I had an ex who brought his new girlfriend (we had broken up 5 days prior, he met her 2 days before the party) to a party where he knew I'd be (it was a work party and a very, very big non-optional one). I, unlike you, had no warning. He bent down to hug me when I walked in and whispered 'be nice' in my ear. I was not...but luckily I had not had a drink yet and I had the presence of mind to drag his sorry butt to a private corner before I gave him a piece of my mind and left.

 

The moral of the story is...well I'm not sure actually. I think I just told it to you to show you that it could be worse.

 

Anyway, if it were me I'd find a date and go, and if they tried to approach me I'd walk away.

[S2B]

She checked out a while ago. She's a liar and a cheater so consider yourself lucky to get away from her now instead of finding out after you married.

 

She's not a best friend! A best friend doesn't do things this way.

 

Don't go to the wedding. Or, if you have to go, don't drink and don't say one word to her. Focus on having fun with REAL friends.

 

Set your standards higher...you shouldn't be sending flowers and trying to nice anyone into loving you. It looks desperate and uncool. It feeds her ego and she loves it when two men are trying to win her over. Don't compete. She doesn't deserve a dinner from you - she screwed you over and it's like you're begging her to do it even more.

 

Just stop allowing it. It's not even worth speaking to someone who has treated you so terribly.