bummer Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I assume they are re-arranging the walking pairs or lineup so you walk with someone? It sounds petty to not walk. Remember this is your friend's wedding and big day, not yours. Be the gentleman the day of (dont break NC), and make sure you bail at a reasonable time. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Quick update. I have not contacted her. Have not received anything from the wedding party until today. Rehearsal is day before, and then groom wants to groomsman to go out that night with him. I will be at rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with ex, and all day the next day for wedding, pictures, party bus, and wedding. I still have second guesses of not walking with her, just as I might look petty. But I just felt it would not do anything good for either of us right now. We needed as much space as possible. Wise, you are going to be just fine. Just stay away from her as much as possible. Smile when you have to for the camera. You don't have to spend much time with her at all. In fact at the dinner etc you can be doing your duties as a groomsman and look after the other guests, you can go and make sure they are well tended to and happy, you can tell them a few gentle stories about your friend to make them laugh and enjoy themselves, you do not need to be near her at all. When I was chief braides maid or old bag of honour or whatever you call it, I spent most of my time gathering happy stories about the bride and groom and making sure everyone was comfortable and happy... You can do the same. Mingle with the others and circulate so everyone feels special and looked after on the day. I am sure your friend understands and will do all he can to give you some space. Remember, go through all possible scenarios in your mind and work out in advance how to deal with them with dignity and grace on the day. Practice in your head and rehearse how you will behave. Knowing in your mind that you know what to do, how to behave, what to say etc no matter what happens will help you relax. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I agree with Toodaloo, just keep telling yourself that they deserve each other....any guy that would get with another's girl and any girl that would do this to their BF....deserve each other. You deserve better. Don't let them see you sad, melancholy or anything but upbeat. If you have to engage either of them, I wouldn't hesitate that let them know that you think they're a great match and let them figure it out. Be there for your buddy and he and everyone else will respect you for that. Also, there are always plenty of single ladies at these events, party (stay away from alcohol) dance and have a good time away from the ex and her bf but don't hide or cower from the friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiseman6716 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 3 year relationship. split for 2 months, NC for 2.5 weeks. I have faced the fact things are done, which is terrible but its reality. She ended the relationship because I didnt treat her well, and for another guy which she is still with. My question is do dumpers especially females move on that fast. I still think about her everyday, even though I know its not going to work. She has someone else in her life now, but do women move past someone that quickly. Does anything go through her head at this time? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yes they do especially when they already have someone else they are leaving you for. Most of the time the dumper has disconnected from you emotionally way before they ask for the break up. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
95fx1 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yes they do. I was with my ex for ten years, we have two daughters together (4 & 1 yo) and she left me for a co worker. She ended the relationship over a text one morning while at work. It's going on 6 months and not a peep from her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Most of the time the dumper has disconnected from you emotionally way before they ask for the break up. They did their grieving and getting over you, weeks months even years before the official break up, so they can move swiftly on without a glance back. It is NOT a woman thing, it is a people thing. Men do the same, whilst she is at home crying her eyes out, he has already got another woman lined up... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelley Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Definitely not a female thing, my ex checked out of the relationship whilst using me as an emotional crutch then started a new relationship, while I was still hoping we would work things out! It's not a gender thing, it's down to the person finding another branch to swing to before they leave yours, because they are cowards and don't give a **** who they hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) Yes, because she'd already moved on by the time she'd ended it with you. And this is something both women and men have done. The detachment and emotional separation was already done by the time dumpees are informed that the relationship is over. Edited October 20, 2016 by ExpatInItaly 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiseman6716 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 This is what I thought. Just amazing after 3 years someone loses all feelings and doesn't care about some at all, with all the memories they shared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
malebroken Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Does this always happen? I mean the detachment before the break, if so how do people get back together when it happens. I'm possibly being lied to by my ex, but she still says she is in love with me n has started texting me each morning. Tonight when I picked my boy up I didn't speak other than hi, bye, later she's txtd twice to see if I'm ok Link to post Share on other sites
cucumber95 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 People are bad in general, I don't know how somebody can just forget about everything they shared in life, even if it was 2 months or 10 years, it doesn mean something, doesn't it? I felt like trash / no one when my GF of 7 months broke up with me over text, but when someone above wrote about 10 years GF breaking up over text, how? just how? how somebody can do something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Fast is relative. The dumpers were over the relationship long before the dumpees found out they were dumped. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiseman6716 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Its been 2 months since we broke up. 2 weeks since NC. It sucks I want to stay NC and we are in a wedding together next week. There are still some things I didnt get to say the last time we spoke 2 weeks ago. Nothing to do with how much i love her and want her back. Just some things I didnt get to say. Honestly, Im to the point I dont care if she responds, just so she knows. Is it best to let it go? Will I seem needy if sent? When to send? I was thinking a hand written letter or email. THank you Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 No. Get a journal and keep those thoughts to yourself. Sending her an unwanted email/letter is not going to make you feel any better. If you don't care about her responding, why ask if you would seem 'needy'? It wouldn't matter if you truly didn't care. and if you truly didn't care, you wouldn't bother sending a letter. So don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I would say you've a couple of options. Either post your thoughts on here, if you feel comfortable doing so and talk them through with strangers you will never meet but at least it's off your chest. Or, just tell her. I can say from my own experience, a lenghty email or letter rarely seems to strike much accord but then neither would you telling her after a heavy session of Dutch courage at the wedding! If you feel you need to tell her to move on l, then do. I did and it actually saved our relationship as its turned out but more to the point, with the help of chatting here and saying things to her I'd needed to say for years, it saved my sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 you got to pretend WAY harder that you don't care until AFTER the wedding. even if you want to implode and write a letter, wait until AFTER. be a cool cucumber. hold it together man https://goo.gl/images/OtFIOB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I had an ex use me as an emotional crutch while she was seeing someone behind my back. The last person to find out about their affair was me. As other posters have mentioned, the split for them has happened weeks maybe months before the actual split. Because they are weak and needy, they use you to support their emotional decision to end it with you. Which is pretty bad. You're saying that you treated her badly, well she treated you badly also. Better for both of you to be apart really. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Sometimes they are weak and needy and stick around still something better comes along, but sometimes it just takes a long time for them to make their mind up to actually make the split. They gradually check out, they think they want to split, but are unsure, they procrastinate, they make deadlines, "If it doesn't improve by ....... I am leaving". Sometimes they try and try and try to make it work, and finally they give up. Sometimes it gets better and in their mind they give it a second go only to find it still doesn't work. Sometimes they are completely heartbroken but stay as they hope against hope that it will improve, so it is not as simple as "He/she just "used" me". Usually it is a lot easier to move on when there is a clear cut reason for the split, i.e. it would NEVER work, and those people often move on fairly quickly and with a clear conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Does this always happen? I mean the detachment before the break, if so how do people get back together when it happens. I'm possibly being lied to by my ex, but she still says she is in love with me n has started texting me each morning. Tonight when I picked my boy up I didn't speak other than hi, bye, later she's txtd twice to see if I'm ok For me: I've always detached before ending it. This enabled me to move on quickly. I have no idea how and why people get back together after ending it because I've always thought that I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than give it another chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frozensushi Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 My Ex told me she needed space. So for a month I sat around like a jackass sulking. She kept sending texts not to worry, but my gut told me otherwise. After a month and 4 days, she pressed my buttons during a text message exchange until I finally stood up for myself. That was it, she was done. I kept asking if there was someone else. She said no, there's no one else. 2 weeks later I find out through a mutual friend she has been dating some new guy. Was like a damn knife through my heart. A month later I was at a gas station near where she lived. Yeap, saw them walking down the street with her daughter, both hold the child's hands like we used to do. I couldn't believe how fast she had moved on. Here I was still in the throes of heartbreak and she pretty much had forgotten about me completely. I guess having been in numerous relationships, breaking up and moving on was nothing new for her. So yeah, dumpers do sometimes already have something lined up before they end it with you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 It's not as though the dumpers forget all the memories shared, and the good times. But that also isn't a reason to stay with someone when their feelings just aren't the same anymore. I have been the dumper and dumpee. As the dumper, I still look back fondly at the lovely moments that particular ex and I shared. He's a good man. But I don't feel a sense of longing or missing him, either. That chapter is closed. I have very rarely seen successful reconciliations. One of the only instances I know where it has worked is my brother and his wife. They started dating young, and split up after a few years. Both of them dated others, and they stayed separated for about a year with almost no contact (as far I remember, anyway) That was many years ago now and they have since married and had children. I really believe they both needed to explore a bit and grow on their own before finding their way back together. But again, this is a rare exception. Most couples I know who've reconciled later split up again. Human behaviour isn't always logical. It is flawed, can be hurtful and incomprehensible. Sometimes there is no rational explanation. But we can only control our own actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 There are no rules of thumb for this. An ex I thought would have an awful time after our break up met someone a month later and had a relationship for one year until the guy dumped her. The next one (the one that brought me here) I though would be doing perfectly OK in no time and five months later she was still missing me and aching for me (her words), but she couldn't put up with the way I dealt with our relationship (I'm putting it mildly out of kindness to myself). I made her unhappy and she was angry and unwilling to take it anymore. She said she was still in love with me, but would never forgive the fact that I initially broke up with her and refused to move in with her (three times). Three or four years ago, I bumped into my first love. We had a relationship when we were 16 or 17 and of course, it was incredibly intense. We met for dinner to reminisce those days and update each other about our lives. Twenty years had gone by, and I felt really excited to be friends with her at last. Suddenly she says she's always been in love with me and would like to try again. I couldn't believe it. Do you see any patterns here? I see none whatsoever. So, to sum it all up, the obvious thing for me to do is "ignore" how the dumper feels and focus on myself. Even if they say they've not moved on after a while, that doesn't mean they want to be with you, and there's really nothing you can do about it. It they ever regret it, they'll come back, but for some reason, it rarely or never happens. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 It they ever regret it, they'll come back, but for some reason, it rarely or never happens. I think that is because a) they didn't love you, or they fell out of love with you, so why would they want to be with a person they don't love. They may regret hurting you but they do not regret their decision. or b) they do love you, but for some reason cannot live with you because you treated them bad, or you are not what they ultimately want, they do not see a future with you or they are not ready to commit. Once the decision is made and it is hard one if they do love you, then they do not want to revisit all that hurt by coming back and it all not working again. It is hard to split up with someone, especially someone you love or loved. It is not usually done on a whim. So when a person tells you it is over, it usually IS over, and they don't come back 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I think it depends. Wise your ex had moved on before the break and she had someone else lined up. Please do not be shocked if in a few months they break up... Its normal. He is a "rebound" guy and when people get together in those circumstances it rarely works out. I was the dumper when I finished my last fling. It was only 6 months but I am still healing and while I am thinking about dating I am not yet. The guy I dumped (who I later found out was already shagging someone else) carried on shagging said girl but apparently they finished in the last couple of days. Apparently a self obsessed selfie taker turned out to be self obsessed... Who could have guessed that one! Don't worry about your ex Wise. She is NOT your concern. You need to concentrate on you and your healing. You need to be strong and get your head round many thoughts and ideas and questions. You need to get yourself into a good place to date again. Concentrate on that and focus on yourself. I know its hard but you will get there. There are several common scenarios when relationships end. I am afraid yours is that she doesn't want you and found some greener grass temporarily. Let her go eat it. Just don't let her back into your paddock again, she will spoil your sward. Link to post Share on other sites
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