what is your take on this?

[GorillaTheater]

Look your best and treat her politely but distantly as you would a co-worker you don't know very well.

 

 

And maybe bring a hot woman with you.

[wiseman6716]

That was my plan.

 

Ive heard reverse psychology in this case. To act as if it doesn't bother you and remain no contact. The mentality people want what they can't have. If the ex knows she can still have you it gives her a chance to get closer to her new boyfriend. If she doesn't think she can then, possibly she may miss you.

 

The other hand says to remain in Limited contact, so you are not easily forgotten. So your not out of sight, out of mind.

 

I just don't know which way to go. Im in the middle of starting to see other people, but I always want to keep the possibility open for us to get back together.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

I wouldn't even go. How do you feel about the thought of seeing her and other dude being affectionate maybe even kissing? You say this guy is in your social circle, well he's clearly not your friend or he wouldn't have taken your girlfriend from you. Stop being so nice to her, she's not being stubborn, she doesn't care about your feelings beyond ridding herself of guilt i.e. "she claimed if its meant to be we will find each other again." Don't be a doormat and certainly don't let her humiliate you. Stop begging and reverse friend zone her hard how ever you can manage, but don't let her take some joy in finishing the job of breaking your heart at this godforsaken wedding.

[wiseman6716]

Broke up for 2 months. 3 year relationship. 1 month NC. She broke up with me and started seeing another guy.

 

Is it better to use reverse psychology in acting as if nothing bothers you and your moving/moved 0n. Ive read if the ex thinks they can have you anytime, it helps them get closer to their new relationship. If you keep distance. THey may if the new relationship gets old, miss you at one point.

 

The other hand says to keep Limited contact, so your ex doesn't forget about you, but still keep your distance. If your out of sight your out mind.

 

I just want to keep possibilites open for the future, if she finds the grass wasnt greener.

[Raena]

Why would you want her back at this point? Don't be a doormat.

 

The best response is to move on and go live your life. Not sit there hoping that she will come back if you follow some specific set of rules about how to behave after the relationship ended. Don't be sitting there waiting if she comes back... go be happy.

[basil67]

My advice is to move on.

 

And IF she should want to come back - and you happen to be single and still willing to give her another chance - make her work for you. At the very least, you'd need to address the reasons she fell out of love in the first place.

[MsJayne]

She started seeing another guy straight after she broke up with you. That's all you need to know about how she felt about your relationship. Don't just pretend to be moving on, actually do it. I have an ex playing the Pretending-To-Move-On game at the moment and it's embarrassing to watch and just making me glad I ended it.

[Been]

I agree. Don't go. You think your play it cool but when you see it you won't.

And her and that guy-guess what they were talking WHILE you were together.

Think about it. Everybody drinking having a good time. Dancing. And then there is you. And everybody is going to watch your every reaction.

Your just asking to be put in a situation that isn't going to be good.

[florecilla88]

Age 31. Dating a girl age 27 for 3 years. At the end of Aug. I find out she stayed with a mutual friend while I was out of town. Told me at the time nothing happened, but I have my doubts. Anyway she decided to break it off when I discovered this. 3 weeks went by, and I missed my best friend. I texted her saying that. We texted back and forth very little for the next week. In the mean time was hanging out and talking to the other guy. It was too hard for to let go So I sent couple of emails, and sent flowers. She responded and we talked for 3 hours one night. I told her I still wanted to make things work and she said she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. We agreed to see each other a few days later, and things went great. We texted back and forth, and talked on the phone for another week. She agreed to meet again. I knew, though at this point she was still talking to the other guy and me. We went out and had a great night, and at the end of the night, I told her she needed to let me know if she cared enough about the relationship to try and work it out. I could tell she did not want to make this call at that time, but I could not go any longer competing. She said she wasnt sure what she wanted and did not want to lead me on. We hugged and cried together for almost an hour, and I asked her one last time if she was sure because if she didnt give it a chance we would never know. And she said I'm sorry I just can't right now. I told her I loved her and left. The next morning she texted me and said she didnt hate me, still wanted to be friends, and talk, she just didnt want to lead me on when she wasnt sure. I emailed her stating i know she didnt hate me, we shared something special, and its going to be hard for me. Not to forget about us, and she deserved to be happy. She responded, I will never forget the love between us, it hurt her to see me upset, it will be hard for her and she will never loose my number. Stating she believes if its truly meant to be we will find each other again. This girl is stubborn, but I love her and for the first time in 3 years she told me she loved me in the last email. She texted me afterwards to tell me she wanted to return a gift I got her and I said to keep it, it was a gift. I told her Thank you for expressing her feelings, and I will always be here for us, to always have trust and believe in me and us. That was our last communication 5 days ago. Over the weekend she went to dinner with the other guy she has been seeing, his parents, and a group of our friends.

 

I started to try and talk to others and line up dates at this time. My question is She was more than just my girlfriend and partner, she was my best friend. I told her everything, and thats the hardest of losing her. Do I try and remain in contact while I am attempting to see other people? Simply to keep my best friend? Not as partners. If so when is to late or to soon? I know the relationship s gone at this point, but I truly would like to remain in touch. To add, we are both in a wedding party together in 2 weeks.

 

THank you for any advice.

 

I know she was your bestfriend, my ex boyfriend was my bestfriend too, while dating and before... but after?? a person that broke your heart and hurt you is not a friend at least it cannot be until the wounds are healed. I would go nc totally and move on with my life.

[wiseman6716]

many of you now the story and dilemma i faced, well the rehearsal and dinner went well. small group but nc with ex. wedding day was the toughest day i've had in a long time. she looked amazing in her bridesmaid dress. the party bus. she made an attempt to make contact. I acknowledged very little. she drank more. when in line to enter hall. another attempt i responded very little. but was pleasant. the min our duties were done head table she literally went over and sat in her new bf lap. i couldnt believe it. the fact he was there was one thing, but to sit in his lap. I was heartbroke. i kept my cool, put on a front i was having a great time. they followed each other around like a puppy dog. I could not beleive the girl i still love and care about someone that i spent 3 years with would treat my feelings with such coldness. I left early after my duties, which im not sure what everyone thought since the plan was to all stay at the hotel and bar hop after wedding. I could not do it with my ex. I broke up after i left and im sure will not be right for a long time. Today killed me. As happy as she looked now all i can think is when she gets engaged to him.

[Marc878]

When someone dumps you the worst thing you can do is chase after them. Sounds like you handled the wedding fine. No contact is your best option.

 

Please do not write and send a letter pouring your heart out. Her actions tell you what you need to know. You can't make someone do anything. Not sure why in these situations everyone thinks they have to write a letter????

 

Go completely dark and block her on everything.

 

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy. She's not friend material.

 

Why would you want to keep the future open on someone who's cheated and then dumped you?

Edited October 30, 2016 by Marc878

[Kelley]

It's time to move on and look after you now. Go NC and take one day at a time. There is nothing left you can do here but accept it's over. I know it hurts like hell but believe everyone when they say it will pass, it just takes some time and work on your part. Take care.

[wiseman6716]

First off i want to thank LS. It has truly been a help through this process.

 

My relationship was 3 years. We been split for 2 months. NC for 1 month, except for this past weekend, when I saw her and had to be in a wedding together for mutual friends. Very little contact was made. She appeared very happy. I know everyone advises no to do this. As you will worry about a response, if there will be one, etc. Not good for the healing etc. Truly I don't expect her to respond. Its my way of saying goodbye. We dont communicate now so it will be no different. Please let me know if letter appears sincere, not weak, needy, or begging, or I'm reaching. I appreciate everyone honest opinions. This was a girl I truly love and cared about and I want her to know that. Thank you

 

X,

 

 

I wanted to let you know, with the time we have had apart from contacting each other over the last month, I realized you were right. Us parting ways at the time was for the best. Time for both invest on how much that person truly means to you. It has given me a chance to reflect on the mistakes I've made and the lessons I can learn from them. The past weeks has taught me to make sure your significant other always feels unique, special, and loved.. That she never doubts being the most important thing in your life. To make sure you think and care for others, before yourself. Set boundaries with your family, that your other half is always the most important. Recognize true friends. Balance your work, activities, responsibilities, and your loved one. And most important, Communication in all aspects of a relationship (friends, future, sex, agendas, arguments, frustrations) is key to it being successful. Nothing that you have done in life, no relationship that's failed is a mistake as long as you can learn from it.

 

The space between us while I know now was necessary and why we have to move on, was to better ourselves for any future relationships, whether that be us or not some day. I knew moving on and letting you go would not be easy, but mending a broken heart, and saying goodbye to someone who you love so dearly is one of the most difficult things to face. Things are becoming a lot clearer. X, I'm sorry for my actions and everything after our break up, especially the last night I seen you at your condo. As you know I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships. I forgot how much pain there is in love, but how great of a feeling it is when its strong. I let my feelings and emotions take over and for that I apologize. I somehow lost my way and we lost each other. I became pre-occupied with work and the club and took it too serious. I appeared as if I was just going through the motions, when I should have been listening more, spending more time with you (I know your a girl who likes time to yourself, but i pushed that line too far), being more passionate towards you, accommodating your interests and your schedule, and showing more affection towards the number one person in my life. For that I have deep regret and am truly sorry X. It's something I will have to always live with. I want to be assured, I was always thinking of our future together, and what I could do for us to make it the most rewarding for you to be happy. I regret not discussing it more as our relationship progressed. Lessons about love, life, responsibility, patience, forgiveness, and will power that you showed me I will never forget.

 

I will never doubt myself for falling in love with you. People do make mistakes, they're human after all. I read somewhere people learn more from their failures than they do successes. The future will benefit from it. It made complete sense. I've accepted you cannot dwell on the past or change it. It simply needs to be accepted, learned from, and forgotten. It's painful to grasp, I may not be the love of your life. I want you to know you played a big part in the man I am today, and the man I plan to be in the future. I will never forget and will always cherish the memories we have had. It was a hell of a ride. There is not a memory in the last few years of my life that doesn't involve you and bring joy. For that I am truly grateful. A couple that come to mind was our trip to NYC, and the amount of fun we had seeing the city. The picture of us in front of the tree at rockefeller center, and in central park will be an image that always keeps you close. The most significant was the Commodores ball. All that work made it so worth while, when I got to share that evening with you by my side. I remember like it was yesterday. You looked amazing. There is no one else I would of wanted to share that moment with but you. So many more come to mind, I could go on and on. What hurts the most is the loss of our close friendship. Explaining our problems, accomplishments, getting opinions, advice, from other another. I miss that more than anything. Something pretty unpredictable happened to me a couple weeks back, where I have not mentioned to anyone, not even my family. You were the first person I wanted to talk to about it for your opinion and what I should do, but knew I couldn't.

 

X, I wanted to say it was great to see you, and you looked absolutely gorgeous at the wedding. I can't help but say, standing there watching a couple of our best friends take their vows, made me think of you. How it could of been us, with a family of our own. It was nice to hear your laugh, and see that smile. To you see you so happy. That's all I ever wanted for you, was to be truly happy. We both deserve to be, however our paths may lead. I will never forget the possibility of our paths meeting again some day and us finishing what we began, under a fresh start. And if we don't, "you will always be the one that got away". You will always be in my thoughts and my dreams.

 

It's true what they say. Sometimes you just don't know what you have, till it's gone. People always love more after their broken. X, You have been the love of my life, without me expecting it. I wish you all the happiness and the best for both you and your family. You will always be someone I think about and dear to my heart.

 

Love You Always

[Blanco]

Nooooooooo. Don't send it.

[lovebug_5858]

I mean I feel like everyone on here is gonna say no no no don't do it, move on, give it time. And that may be the right thing to do but if you're being honest with her and yourself and you truly have thought deep into your errors likewise hers, then send it. I'm not gonna lie and say this isn't something I'd want from my ex. If you feel like it's still best to just move on, don't send it.

[JewelD]

It is incredibly long and it sounds incredibly needy. And didn't she cheat on you?? You're acting like the breakup was a mutual choice. She ended it with you for someone else.

 

You don't need to send her that letter. I'm sure she knows you love and care about her but she has made it clear that she does not care. She's also in a relationship now, so sending that letter to her could turn into some unnecessary drama between you and her boyfriend.

 

You wrote the letter and got all of your feelings out, now burn it and move on.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Wiseman I have read your OP and the letter and I'd strongly advise not sending it.

 

When you write a closure letter it is to get something crucial off your chest that you feel you never got a chance say. To tell her you agree with the break-up is unnecessary. Staying broken up and keeping to NC is saying everything you said in the first part of the letter with your actions.

She doesn't need to hear why you agree with her decision. Fundamentally you don't agree with her decision and the letter wreaks of a plea for another chance without actually saying that. You'd be better off just saying that. But it's clear in this situation that is not a possibility.

 

It's understood that you lost your best friend, often when we break up we lose our best friends above and beyond all the other things we lose in those relationships.

 

When someone tells you they are unsure of what they want they are actually telling you they don't want what they have.

 

Stay strong. Stay quiet. And most of all stay focused on your recovery. She has made her decision and you will never know either way what happened with the other guy but above that she has told you she doesn't want to be with you. Accept that and find a way to move forward without her.

 

These letters are often a knee-jerk reaction to the split but not based on any tangible merit that things would actually be different if you did get back together.

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[lovebug_5858]

It is incredibly long and it sounds incredibly needy. And didn't she cheat on you?? You're acting like the breakup was a mutual choice. She ended it with you for someone else.

 

You don't need to send her that letter. I'm sure she knows you love and care about her but she has made it clear that she does not care. She's also in a relationship now, so sending that letter to her could turn into some unnecessary drama between you and her boyfriend.

 

You wrote the letter and got all of your feelings out, now burn it and move on.

 

Had no idea this was the situation.... Do not send it.

[Marc878]

You need to understand she could care less about you or the book you wrote.

 

Everyone thinks they have to write a letter. It makes you look weak, needy and codependent.

 

It's like crying, begging, pleading and pouring your heart out. Things like this always pushes them further away. Not attractive at all.

 

SMH

[Marc878]

This should be a time to learn something for your next relationship. Garner some wisdom.

 

Lose a cheater gain a life.

 

Wake up. This long term is a good thing.

 

You marry someone like that, have kids, etc then you find out they are unfaithful?

 

Best thing that could have happened to you.

[Toodaloo]

DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER.

 

This is what that letter says to her.

 

Hi Exgirlfriend.

 

You treated me like sh** but I still love you because I am a door mat and well I have put you on a pedalstool and you are so great. Even when you go off shagging other men and flaunt it in my face thats OK. In fact this letter is a little reminder of what a terrible person I am and how unattractive I am and how utterly marvelous you are....

 

DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER.

 

Go and throw it away or burn it.

 

By the way. You did brilliantly at the wedding. You behaved like a strong man who is in control and has life sorted. You acted like the catch of the century. Hold your head high. You did really well. So well that she had to do everything she could to try and get your attention and flaunt herself at you... Bad marks for her and a gold star for you!

[wiseman6716]

I won't be sending the letter. Word from a friend came out today that they have planned a trip away for a week after only supposedly dating for 2 months. I guess god works in mysterious ways, and those two really do deserve each other, since they share the same rotten morals, principles, and personality.

[Toodaloo]

I won't be sending the letter. Word from a friend came out today that they have planned a trip away for a week after only supposedly dating for 2 months. I guess god works in mysterious ways, and those two really do deserve each other, since they share the same rotten morals, principles, and personality.

 

Thank Goodness...

 

Wise - I know it is tough and I know it hurts but you just have to keep going. You are doing really well.

 

Now the wedding is over you can concentrate on getting yourself sorted and ready to date again. Looking after yourself has become number one priority now. If you want to write more of those letters then do. But do not send them. Heck I had a note book full of the things a while ago. It was quite interesting reading back on them and watching myself go from blubbering mess to accepting things and seeing what was there...

 

Keep going. You really are doing well. I know it doesn't seem it but you are.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm glad you decided not to send the letter, OP.

 

It's great to get your thoughts out, but treat it like a journal entry - for yourself. Writing it out can be cathartic.

 

I know how hard it is to be cheated on. A long-term ex betrayed me, too. But you will someday be glad she isn't your problem anymore.

[wiseman6716]

Well. I received a text today around lunch time.

 

Sorry to be bothering you, I'm just having a bad day and saw your card and wanted to say you looked really good on Saturday and I had a lot of fun at the rehearsal dinner and on the party bus.

 

The card was sent over a month ago and that is the first text I got in a month.

 

I really don't know what to think of this?