Why are family therapists forcing confidentiality even when it doesn't make sense?

[cristiscu]

My grown up daughters didn't talk to me for the past few years, and I've seen a family therapist with my wife. He insisted to see us first, then the girls, and keep everything we discuss confidential from each other. Which doesn't make much sense to me, as long as I was hopping for the opposite: to find as much as possible about the reasons why we had this huge communication problem. I told him I have nothing to hide from my girls.

 

The only reason I can see here - which is also very offending to me, not just as victim, but as the idiot who pays the bills - is the suspicion of a sexual or physical violence abuser. Are there really so many fathers who abuse their daughters, to start your counselling sessions with this horrific approach?

 

If it's not this, than what? My therapist was not able to say anything when I asked him how could we measure the progress in this therapy after let's say three paid sessions.

[basil67]

It is not the job of a therapist to relay messages. It's their job to first of all help the family members understand their feelings and then, to support the family members in communicating how they feel to each other. I would imagine that at present, he's helping your daughters to figure out how they feel about the past and what they want from a reconciliation.

 

You're sounding quite belligerent in this post. Is this a problem you've been trying to work on yourself? Could it have something to do with your daughters not being on speaking terms with you?

[cristiscu]

All I asked is to come up with a logical reason why confidentiality is necessary in such cases.

 

You provided none.

 

Thanks thought for your aggressive feedback. You could be another therapist with no answers, just blame...

[RecentChange]

Because confidentiality for ADULTS is required by all medical professionals - including therapist.

 

Now an additional logical reason, so that they feel safe and secure telling the therapist everything, without fear that the therapist would in turn tell you.

 

If they were comfortable just telling you, they would have. They need a safe space to discuss their issues with unbiased feed back.

 

Having a therapist then go and tell their deepest secrets to their father would be detrimental - that is not how trust is built.

 

Your therapist couldn't explain this to you?

[basil67]

All I asked is to come up with a logical reason why confidentiality is necessary in such cases.

 

You provided none.

 

Thanks thought for your aggressive feedback. You could be another therapist with no answers, just blame...

 

Actually you asked a more than just about confidentiality.

 

As far as confidentiality goes, it would be because your daughters need the space to discuss and process their feelings without it all being reported back to you. They will talk about it with you when the have gotten to that stage of understanding why they feel like the do.

 

Also, If they knew that what they said was being reported back, they may not be completely honest with themselves and their therapist.

 

Lastly, I can only reiterate that it's not the therapists job to relay messages. It's his job to facilitate direct communication.

[Satu]

Each person talks to the counsellor about their own feelings, and each persons sessions are kept confidential.

 

This is mainly to help each person to feel safe enough to say what they need to say, without any negative consequences.

 

It might be that the counsellor will later recommend sessions with all of you present.

 

It depends how it goes.

[cristiscu]

@RecentChange,

 

No, he couldn't. And I agree with you up to a point.

 

Not every parenting problem has dark secrets or things children cannot talk about. In fact, I can bet most problems come from selfishness and lack of care.

 

Why not having a provision, when both parts had their session and established it's better to fix the communication issue by ...well, COMMUNICATING, instead of adding more, hmm, "mystery", to get the counselor on board as well?

 

"Because confidentiality for ADULTS is required by all medical professionals - including therapist."

 

Yep, if the adults want it. When they don't, and it doesn't make sense in the situation, as I said, why forcing it upon us?

[cristiscu]

As far as confidentiality goes, it would be because your daughters need the space to discuss and process their feelings without it all being reported back to you.

 

For no reason, you continue to assume the worst, when this was my actual question: why do therapist rather assume from start the parent must be the problem, and the "child" (quoted because I talked about grown ups!) would necessarily need "safe spaces" to talk.

 

Without talking necessarily about myself, are you aware how many children in this world just take advantage of their parents and turn their back on them when they no longer need them financially? It is a two-way street, you know...

[cristiscu]

This is mainly to help each person to feel safe enough to say what they need to say, without any negative consequences.

 

For Christ sake, this is what I kept asking: why we always assume children stopped talking to a parent because something wrong happened to them?

[basil67]

Without talking necessarily about myself, are you aware how many children in this world just take advantage of their parents and turn their back on them when they no longer need them financially? It is a two-way street, you know...

 

And if this is indeed the case, the therapist will help them see a different perspective. In confidence.

[basil67]

For Christ sake, this is what I kept asking: why we always assume children stopped talking to a parent because something wrong happened to them?

 

Assuming it was your children who ceased contact, they see that something wrong happened. The problem may be real. It may be an over exaggeration of a smaller thing. Or they may be completely in the wrong.

 

But no matter what the cause, they need to work through whatever it was and their feelings about it with the confidential support of the counsellor.

[cristiscu]

Or they may be completely in the wrong.

 

Haha, sorry to tease you, but look back to check this is the first time indeed one of you, girls, came up also with a more balanced unbiased possibility. Was it so hard?

 

I truly appreciate all your feedback, but you're all young girls, maybe like my daughters (my oldest is 25, so not a kid anymore). And, from the aggressive tone, I might suspect some of you had "daddy issues" as well. I'm sure he was always the one to blame.

[Satu]

For Christ sake, this is what I kept asking: why we always assume children stopped talking to a parent because something wrong happened to them?

 

*I am absolutely not making that assumption, and not accusing you of anything. Why would I?

 

I merely explained why counsellors work the way they do.

 

They work under a professional code of practice that makes confidentiality mandatory.

 

There are very specific circumstances where confidentiality is not mandatory, but they are relatively rare.

[cristiscu]

And if this is indeed the case, the therapist will help them see a different perspective. In confidence.

 

Oh common, please grow up. Check the forums, online review, talk to friends etc.

 

Lawyers, doctors, therapists etc etc - almost everybody agrees you need to check 4-5 of them to find one person who knows what he does.

 

When the therapist (or those who blindly trust them) offers no explanation on his methods, he has usually no idea what he does.

 

Enough with this rhetoric "the therapist does this because he is a therapist and this is what therapists do". We're not in kindergarten...

[basil67]

I truly appreciate all your feedback, but you're all young girls, maybe like my daughters (my oldest is 25, so not a kid anymore). And, from the aggressive tone, I might suspect some of you had "daddy issues" as well. I'm sure he was always the one to blame.

 

And now who is making assumptions? I'm 50yo.

 

However, from your very first post you do sound very angry at this whole counselling process. Who's idea was it to engage in family therapy? Are you sure you wish to continue?

[cristiscu]

@basil67,

 

oops, sorry then

 

It was my idea. I'm angry when I see such a service possibly biased. Not all of it, just some providers.

 

And yes, I will continue. I found at least two other counselors way more open minded. And hopefully more helpful this time, we'll see.

[William]

Evening folks. We had a conversation with the thread starter so let's all get back to the topic and move on. Good topic - confidentiality.

[basil67]

Yes, well there are good and bad counsellors. And even of the good ones, some will be a bad fit.

 

I hope the next one you choose works better for you.

[Tayla]

@14 I was sent into counseling... teen age angst. Therapist took notes and recorded sessions. Lo' and behold she shared this information with my parents. I was chastised by my parents for my attitude and opinions that I expressed. And none of the "adults" , respected confidentiality. That therapist showed zero regard for my healing. She should have been a gossip reporter.

 

fast forward- my adult son who has concerns is in therapy. I do not pry into his session time. I respect his autonomy. When the time comes to open up on issues...it will be at his time . Trust is built . Tearing it down because you don't want to be blindsided ...seems self motivated.

 

If the objective goal is to heal...Trust needs built. How long did it take you to trust a stranger?

[cristiscu]

@Tayla, most consistent and great answer so far, believe me I truly admire this and deeply respect you opening up.

 

what's interesting here, the way I see it, is you hadnone negative experience with people using one method, and now you blindly trust them using the opposite one. I get it.

 

My doubt however was when the therapist wasn't able to say how we could see the progress here, which seemed to me tricky. It might work for your son or other people, long term, but you should also know that many people today are rather ripped off by shrinks and all sort of other "healers".

[RecentChange]

Counseling only works if you are open to it.

 

I am not a young girl, but back in the late 1980's my family went through family counseling like you describe after my sister was hospitalized with bulimia.

 

It was set up in the same manner - individual then group.

 

I was fairly young at the time, but to this day I find those sessions helpful. The sessions gave me tools on how to process and sort my emotions, and how to communicate them effectively.

 

One thing I found about counseling, is often when discussing a difficult topic, especially one thay involves a mixed range of emotions - often things come out not like you wish they had the first time around.

 

This again is where counseling can be helpful. You can pull all of that junk out of the closet in a haphazard manner, without upsetting anyone or hurting any feelings - because ypu are telling it to the unbiased, confidential counselor and not your loved one.

 

The counselor can then help you organize all that junk. They may help you realise some of your feelings / reactions were unjustified and help you get rid of them. They will help you organize the rest, place it in boxes so it can be approached and discussed in a constructive manner.

 

Once you get to that point. Everything organized and understood better - that's when things are shared with the group.

 

It's better to work on emotional family problems only after those feelings have been "placed in their boxes". Trying to have those conversations while "tearing it all out of the closet" is often counter productive.

 

Does that make any sense to you?

 

I don't know why you ASSUME that the counselor is assuming abuse.

 

I know for me, I would want the confidentiality because I know if I am in a totally safe spot (ie my words won't hurt my loved one) letting it all out is going to be a messy process, and I don't want it relayed until I have it sorted out.

 

Hope this helps.

[darkmoon]

ask for a refund, I dare you, the therapist has no business running the show and failing you, the customer

[jen1447]

"Because confidentiality for ADULTS is required by all medical professionals - including therapist."

 

Yep, if the adults want it. When they don't, and it doesn't make sense in the situation, as I said, why forcing it upon us?

 

Doctor-patient confidentiality is the default obligation of any medical professional, and in fact there are rather harsh penalties in place for violating that, so any disclosure would likely require a signed waiver. Bscly any doctor (like attorneys and some other professions), is required to maintain the confidentiality of their patients' information. It's not a guideline or a recommendation, it's law. You're not at liberty to dismiss it arbitrarily.

 

My guess is the therapist inquired, given the nature of the therapy, and your daughters requested their confidentiality be maintained. He wouldn't tell you that either if they did.

[Got it]

There are many different approaches to therapy, if you don't like this one then go to someone else? Did you shop around? Did you interview the therapists to find the one who's approach best suited your needs? All of that is needed to make it successful.

 

I think it is odd that you keep assuming that they are thinking abuse? Why is that? Why that extreme? From your posting your temper and strong personality is evident and that may be an issue that your daughters want to figure out how to navigate.

 

Maybe it has nothing to do with you, maybe they have an issue with their mother and are trying to figure out how to approach it. Maybe 100 different things. You have only had three sessions, you may want to give it some more time, though you can determine how much more time, and evaluate the progress. Like any service provider, if you don't like it then find something else.

[cristiscu]

thanks for the last decent replies.

 

@RecentChange - yes I agree. The need for a "safe space" to confess is one possible cause for this confidentiality. But I am still puzzled it is always mandatory, as I said. I doubt communication issues get always better by more secrets shared with a stranger behind close doors over dozens of sessions. There should be an alternative way, after just one session or two, to establish if people should not be rather to start communicating ASAP. This therapy kind of always assumes from start children should necessarily be traumatized, that's why they turn their back.

 

@darkmoon - thanks, but it was not about that

 

@jen1447 - my question was why it is like it is, from a rational perspective . If therapists do what they do because they always did it this way, that's not a reasonable explanation. Thanks though...

 

@Got it - again, my question was about that confidentiality, I looked for different opinions on that matter alone.

 

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Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted off topic content ~6