Wife wants to separate

[Shard]

 

We had a long talk last night and she said she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be in the marriage. She doesn't want me out of her life, she wants me to be her friend and be there for her.

 

This right here sums everything up. There is nothing to hold onto. You can love her unconditionally and wish, hope and dream things would be different. I don't know what else she needs to say for you to just say enough is enough. File for divorce. I know you said you wouldn't but you are just avoiding the inevitable.

[Marc878]

Bring friends??? All cheaters want this to alleviate guilt and say "he's fine with what I'm doing".

 

Definition of friend = loyal, trustworthy and honest. She's not your friend. Go no contact as much as possible. You'll be able to move on faster.

 

Do not be a needy hang around type living on a slim chance of hope.

[kesta86]

I think I posted on here that she had reconnected with the OM on FB...I decided to grow some b**ls and tell her how I was really feeling, instead of feeding her the lines I had been...

 

I gave her an ultimatum. If she wants to make it through the Holidays for the kids, then she needs to cut off all contact with the OM. After the holidays, if she can't go without contacting him, she can file the papers and leave the house. Same goes if she can't go without contacting him through the holidays. She can file the papers and get out. If she wants to make it through the rest of the school year for the kids, she needs to cut off contact with him through June. Once we are in our own places, she can do as she pleases...If she decides to lie and contact him behind my back during either of these times and I find out, I will file At Fault divorce papers for Adultery...I can't have her continuing to build a relationship, despite it not being physical, while in OUR house, on OUR couch with me in the house. Whether we are separated during this time in her mind or not. I won't do it and I won't be the one leaving.

 

If she decides to go to therapy with me during this time, awesome. It may result in the same outcome, us going our separate ways in June, but at least we can talk through things...I told her she has a couple of days to decide what she wants to do, but the ball is in her court now. She's the one that wants to separate and she's the one that doesn't want to be in this marriage, so she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

 

I will accept fault for what I did to drive her to where she is...But I didn't deserve to be cheated on. If she wanted to leave, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to deal with the consequences. I won't continue to be cheated on in our house while I sit there, enabling it.

 

I'll keep everyone updated with how it goes...Thanks for all the advice...

[Marc878]

She moves out not you. Dont deliver ultimatums you won't enforce. It'll just make you look weaker

[Marc878]

Congrats on finding your balls!!!!! Where'd she hide them?

[why1234]

"I still love you, just not in love with you" means only one thing. She is not attracted to you any more.

 

In this case, specifically it means she considers herself more attractive than you.

 

The ONLY thing that can save this is

 

1) You have to work out like a madman. You need to become more attractive. You need a six pack.

 

2) You need to stop being needy. Screw all that emotional sharing and etc. That is a red herring. This woman doesn't need emotional support right now. She is looking for a strong (emotionally strong) man. She needs someone she can lean on for emotional support.

[Mrin]

I think I posted on here that she had reconnected with the OM on FB...I decided to grow some b**ls and tell her how I was really feeling, instead of feeding her the lines I had been...

 

I gave her an ultimatum. If she wants to make it through the Holidays for the kids, then she needs to cut off all contact with the OM. After the holidays, if she can't go without contacting him, she can file the papers and leave the house. Same goes if she can't go without contacting him through the holidays. She can file the papers and get out. If she wants to make it through the rest of the school year for the kids, she needs to cut off contact with him through June. Once we are in our own places, she can do as she pleases...If she decides to lie and contact him behind my back during either of these times and I find out, I will file At Fault divorce papers for Adultery...I can't have her continuing to build a relationship, despite it not being physical, while in OUR house, on OUR couch with me in the house. Whether we are separated during this time in her mind or not. I won't do it and I won't be the one leaving.

 

If she decides to go to therapy with me during this time, awesome. It may result in the same outcome, us going our separate ways in June, but at least we can talk through things...I told her she has a couple of days to decide what she wants to do, but the ball is in her court now. She's the one that wants to separate and she's the one that doesn't want to be in this marriage, so she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

 

I will accept fault for what I did to drive her to where she is...But I didn't deserve to be cheated on. If she wanted to leave, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to deal with the consequences. I won't continue to be cheated on in our house while I sit there, enabling it.

 

I'll keep everyone updated with how it goes...Thanks for all the advice...

 

Right on dude. What was her reaction?

[aurelius99]

"I still love you, just not in love with you" means only one thing. She is not attracted to you any more.

 

In this case, specifically it means she considers herself more attractive than you.

 

The ONLY thing that can save this is

 

1) You have to work out like a madman. You need to become more attractive. You need a six pack.

 

2) You need to stop being needy. Screw all that emotional sharing and etc. That is a red herring. This woman doesn't need emotional support right now. She is looking for a strong (emotionally strong) man. She needs someone she can lean on for emotional support.

 

Nah. Only work out if you want to. Don't do it for her. All motivation for self improvement should come from within, not without. In my case I suddenly became motivated after my divorce to begin a school degree. I'm about 1 year from completing it. I didn't feel like working out. Why? I just didn't feel like it. If I felt like it, I would have. I think you need to do what makes YOU happy. If she doesn't like it, oh well. If she does, great. But you don't want to keep having to meet her expectations and constantly feel inadequate.

[kesta86]

Right on dude. What was her reaction?

 

She was a bit taken aback. Wanted to know where this came from. I told it's what I should've said from the beginning, but I was scared and an emotional wreck. She's the one who cheated. If she wanted out so bad, she should've just filed the papers and left. She didn't and she needs to own it. I think she gets it now. She wants to separate, break up our family and leave me without trying, that's her prerogative. But I won't let her continue to cheat with the OM while we are both in our house. I don't care how much she tells me it's not about him...if it wasn't about him, she wouldn't have refriended him on FB and continued conversations. Balls in her court now...cut it off and make it through the Holidays/school year and still separate, continue to talk to him and leave OUR house immediately, or go to therapy and work through our issues. Therapy may lead to the same result of us separating, but I won't have her talking to the OM while we are in the same house. I own what I did to put us here, and I'm going to therapy and working on them. Up to her if she decides to work with me or leave..

[Marc878]

You may need some exposure to family friends, etc if you want to wake her up.

 

I'd ask her to move out of the bedroom while you have the momentum.

 

Standing up for yourself is easier than you thought aren't they?

 

Get a nice haircut some new stylish clothes while you're at it and start going out by yourself, see some friends, go to a movie, hang out with family. Let her keep the kids.

 

You'll be surprised at how things will change very quickly for the better.

[BluesPower]

kesta86 - Now you are getting the right attitude...

 

I don't understand why some men do not understand this in the first place.

 

With any woman that I have ever been with including my wife, if they were not happy or feeling it, then do let the door hit your but on the way out.

 

I could really just care less, there are literally thousands of beautiful women out there that would love to be with me or you. It is just so easy to find another women.

[LancasterAmos1966]

If she decided to fight back dirty, I would come out on the losing end. I'm hoping to come out relatively well, with only a broken heart which can be mended.

 

 

You are so correct Shard.

 

If the OP's wife feels threatened in any way, she'll ask for a Protection from Abuse order, and then she'll get the house all to herself -- the boyfriend can move in -- and Kestra might need supervised visits just to see his own kids.

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Kestra86: I won't let her continue to cheat with the OM while we are both in our house........... continue to talk to him and leave OUR house immediately...........I won't have her talking to the OM while we are in the same house.

Kestra, anger is a part of the grieving process but demanding that she can not have a boyfriend AND live in her own home, is not going to set well with the local Family Court Judge.

 

As Shard suggested, she could quickly get tough too -- yes, you have rights, but she has rights too. The law is setup to protect both parties. Just keep in mind that Protection from Abuse orders are very easy for her to obtain.....and one more thought: In my opinion, if you make any threats towards mom, your kids will turn against you very quickly.

 

Your wife is a different person than who you married. I don't know what she is capable of doing, but I do know that you should use caution in the tone of your voice, don't detain her in anyway, don't physically back her into a corner, etc.

 

This is one of the reasons that I suggested you move to a different room -- To help prevent this escalating into a domestic issue. This could quickly snowball into making your kids choose sides. And if they are faced with that difficult choice, I'm guessing they will take moms side for at least awhile.....especially if you showed any kind of anger that required the law to be brought in.

 

Your wife has disconnected, so she could easily accuse you of something.

 

You are still attached, so you are trying to save your marriage. Your emotions are still raw, and you can go from crying to being very angry in a moment. The courts will take swift action if she happens to file a report.

 

And from what I've read online even on this forum, the wife/mother is usually the one to get the upper hand in the court system.

 

I'm not suggesting you become a doormat, but making any kind of threats insinuating that she is not allowed to have a boyfriend and live in her own home, is not going to sound too good to the local Judge.

 

Wishing you well in this difficult time.

Edited November 19, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[WomenWubber]

Don't give her too much time. You need to choose your course of action quick, because chances are she will act quick when the fog lifts. She may come to you crying her guts out or she may run to her bf, family and arm herself with a lawyer and a briefcase of legal documents.

 

If you think divorce is a posibility then you need to protect yourself legally. Be as amicable as posible and please don't act on emotion. Avoid your wife as much as you can.

[kesta86]

She meets with her IC tonight, and I told her she needs to tell me what she plans to do after their meeting. All indications are that she will NOT leave the house. Therefore, she will be cutting off all contact with the OM. I will monitor the phone bill and FB/email until I can rebuild my trust with her...If she wants to stay in the house, then that is the deal...If at any point I determine they have been in contact, then she will have papers served and her stuff will be on the front porch...

 

I personally hope she decides to attend MC together, whether we end up separating in June or not. I think it would be beneficial to air everything out and be on the same page going forward. Like I've said, I accept all responsibility for my faults and for my part in us being where we are. She needs to do the same and we need to work together to either fix our marriage and be better because of all this, or to make our separation as amicable as possible.

 

I'll keep you updated after we talk tonight...

[PegNosePete]

Wow, what a turn-around. Well done!

 

All indications are that she will NOT leave the house. Therefore, she will be cutting off all contact with the OM.

What will you do if she simply says "no" to both? It's not like you can force her to leave, after all. If she refuses to cut contact with the OM and refuses to leave, then I'm afraid there's not much you can actually do about it, other than begin the lengthy process of divorce. It would definitely make sense to see a lawyer if you intend to rely on "adultery" as a ground for divorce. Depending on your jurisdiction there may be quite stringent levels of proof required and you might be shooting yourself in the foot.

 

her stuff will be on the front porch...

It's great that you're sticking up for yourself now, and asserting yourself. However don't take it too far, and remember to stick within the law. Putting her stuff on the front porch may not be legal. You might find yourself served with a bill for the contents if they get stolen or rained on.

[Pete2304]

If she comes back to you, says she wants to try again, you say will keep tabs on her phone etc? You may as well just give up now if you're going to do that. I absolutely sympathise and truly understand how you are feeling but that's not the way. If she comes back properly can you A) feel the same love and affection for her and be able to be physically and emotionally intimate with her and B) can you get to the point without smothering her where you can have her go out for a drink after work or her battery runs out one day and you can't get hold of her without you instantly thinking it's happening again?

[PegNosePete]

If she comes back to you, says she wants to try again, you say will keep tabs on her phone etc? You may as well just give up now if you're going to do that.

I disagree.

 

Trust is earned. Right now his trust for her is ZERO for obvious reasons. During the process of rebuilding trust it is essential that her actions are verifiable, and that may mean keeping tabs on her phone etc. Yes in the long term trust needs to be rebuilt and as that happens, keeping tabs will decrease and stop, but in the short term it's really the only way of knowing whether she is being serious and honest.

 

can you get to the point without smothering her where you can have her go out for a drink after work or her battery runs out one day and you can't get hold of her without you instantly thinking it's happening again?

That point may take a LONG time to reach. Ultimately this would be the goal of reconciliation of course, but in the short term, he should NOT trust her, and she should NOT be going out for drinks or allowing her battery to run out.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

Trust is earned.

 

That is for sure.

 

The problem I see is that she has had a "taste of freedom" (marriage has boundaries) and she'll need to have 110 percent effort for the marriage relationship to work. That can be a difficult journey.

 

And actually, it can be difficult for both --- for her to honor the marriage promises and for the OP to not suffocate/control her.

[BluesPower]

I am not seeing any indication that the wife actually wants to reconcile. She may cut contact with OM or she may take it underground, their is no way to really be sure.

 

I feel like OP should just file for divorce so that the proceedings can get started. This may or may not wake her up, but I also think that the separation is a bad idea in this case no matter what.

 

The separation will allow her to be with her OM if she has not already and/or it will allow her to start dating. I am not sure that OP will/can handle this type of situation in any case.

 

What I am reading is that she is saying that she is done.

 

What do you OP and everyone else think?

[OatsAndHall]

The first thing that you need to do is step back and let go of your regrets. Yes, you may have neglected her emotional needs but that certainly does not give her the right to go and screw around on you. This isn't easy, I know. . We wonder what we can or could've done to make things right. I have to remind myself that we separated because my ex-wife asked me to accept certain things during our marriage that were not reasonable. I may have not been the best husband at times but I didn't knowingly put our marriage out on the line She did that and so did your wife. I have to remind myself that things would have been cyclical had we reconciled. This may sound a bit over-simplistic but, by agreeing to a separation, you're letting your wife have her cake and eat it too. She now has the "official' freedom to do what she wants with another man but she still has you there for some emotional and financial comfort.

 

So, if I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce and get away from her ASAP. Whether you move or ask her to do so is your call but just get the hell out. You will not get a clear head and start healing until you remove yourself from her.

[kesta86]

I told her she had until Tuesday to let me know what she decided...She unfriended him on FB on Monday afternoon and told me she wouldn't be speaking with him anymore...However, on Thursday (Thanksgiving day), we were sitting around after dinner and she happened to open her phone in front of me. She obviously forgot that she had left her web browser open on the phone and it was opened to a gmail account. I know she doesn't have a gmail account, and I saw emails between her and the OM...I couldn't see dates before she quickly closed the page...She tells me that they were all from before Monday, and I can't disprove it...She has promised to stop talking to him, at least until we figure everything out and officially separate/sell the house, etc. I find it nearly impossible to trust her when it comes to him. While there has been no physical relationship between them (He is in San Diego), she has admitted to talking about being together with him and sending pictures...

 

This week we both decided we needed space and to be away from each other. I've found it nearly impossible to not want to touch, hug, kiss her, etc. since this all started on 11/4...She asked for space then and I couldn't give it...It's been a month from hell and we both need to step back, rethink, reset and reassess. I'm staying at a friends house this week and we will "reconvene" on Friday night to see where we both stand...As of our last conversation (Sunday), the plan was to "fake" it through Christmas, talk logistics and everything in January (begin an in-house separation), inform parents, family, etc., and then look to begin the sale of the house, etc. She would be staying in the basement bedroom until everything is sorted out.

 

I still want to try and work this out...I still have that glimmer of hope. I'm hoping this week apart with ZERO contact (text, phone, face to face, etc.) will wake her out of this fog and make her realize what she's doing. Yes, she has disrespected me by "messing" around with the OM. Yes, she's lied about things. I can't change what has happened. The past is the past. I can only look forward, hope that she is open to my changes and hope that she is willing to work through all of this and come out better at the end of it. If she's not willing, then so be it. I can't force her to try. I just know that I love her unconditionally and despite what she's put us through these past 4 weeks, that hasn't changed. If she really wanted to leave so badly, she should've just filed the papers and been done with it. Instead, she chose to cheat and has created this mess of uncertainty, confusing, shock, and disbelief.

 

I will update you all after this weekend when we figure out where we all stand...

[PegNosePete]

She obviously forgot that she had left her web browser open on the phone and it was opened to a gmail account. I know she doesn't have a gmail account, and I saw emails between her and the OM...I couldn't see dates before she quickly closed the page...She tells me that they were all from before Monday, and I can't disprove it...

Oh my goodness. I have a bridge I'd like to sell you. Do you believe anything you're told?

 

She has promised to stop talking to him, at least until we figure everything out and officially separate/sell the house, etc.

Then why is she still talking to him from her secret gmail account? Her "promises" are not worth the paper they're written on.

 

I still want to try and work this out...

Dude. What the hell, man?

 

She openly lies to your face (the gmail account) and is playing you for a complete fool. She is disrespecting you quite openly and you do nothing. You just eat up her lies and ask for more.

 

No doubt she has now cleaned up her gmail account and deleted all evidence. And probably opened up another secret email that you know nothing about. And from now on she will be super secret and extra careful not to reveal it to you. You should have asked her to hand the phone over the instant you saw his name. If she refused, then you would have had all the proof you need that she is lying.

 

Yes, she's lied about things. I can't change what has happened. The past is the past.

She is still lying. The past is the present and the future, if you allow it to be. If you want a future free of lying and cheating then you have to tell her that you are NOT OK with her lying and cheating and you want her out of your life ASAP.

[Marc878]

Being in denial won't help you that much. It will help her play you.

 

Wake up

[kesta86]

Yeah, I'm well aware that she's probably emailing him this entire week. I plan to demand to see her phone when we talk again on Friday. No reason not to show it to me if she hasn't been emailing him. If she refuses to show it to me then I plan to file papers immediately. I won't continue to be disrespected this way. Yes, I accept responsibility for my actions of the last few years but I don't deserve this.

[Friskyone4u]

Yeah, I'm well aware that she's probably emailing him this entire week. I plan to demand to see her phone when we talk again on Friday. No reason not to show it to me if she hasn't been emailing him. If she refuses to show it to me then I plan to file papers immediately. I won't continue to be disrespected this way. Yes, I accept responsibility for my actions of the last few years but I don't deserve this.

 

Keesta

 

Don't you understand that looking at her phone means nothing. She is obviously going to delete her contact with OM.

Keesta, it appears that you are going to ignore most of the advice . It is not your job to accommodate her.

Why don't you file for divorce (it does not happen immediately) and you can stop it anytime you want to if she stops the affair.

And a polygraph in the future is the only way you are going to

Be sure