Wife wants to separate

[Marc878]

Yeah, I'm well aware that she's probably emailing him this entire week. I plan to demand to see her phone when we talk again on Friday. No reason not to show it to me if she hasn't been emailing him. If she refuses to show it to me then I plan to file papers immediately. I won't continue to be disrespected this way. Yes, I accept responsibility for my actions of the last few years but I don't deserve this.[/quote

 

All you have to do is go online and look at your bill. it'll show calls and texts

[Sweetfish]

Lol... it's amazing what men put them selves thru .The very fact you keep giving her chances prove how weak she views you. It's almost like when they freed the slaves and some came back to the plantation to keep them selves enslaved.

 

Do you love this person so much that you sacrifice the love of ones self?

[kesta86]

Yeah, I'm well aware that she's probably emailing him this entire week. I plan to demand to see her phone when we talk again on Friday. No reason not to show it to me if she hasn't been emailing him. If she refuses to show it to me then I plan to file papers immediately. I won't continue to be disrespected this way. Yes, I accept responsibility for my actions of the last few years but I don't deserve this.[/quote

 

All you have to do is go online and look at your bill. it'll show calls and texts

 

I have been...there hasn't been any. They were using a Gmail account she created that I didn't know about...

[Sweetfish]

Yeah the gastric bypass.....it's extremely common for women to have this and then start cheating. Tons of articles about it.

 

Sadly nothing you can do, she wants to explore with her new body and likely enjoys the attention that she has most likely never got.

 

I have a friend who went through the very same thing, wife had the procedure lost close to 200 pounds and turned into a good time girl for everyone except him. He fought for the marriage but finally gave up and moved on with his life. Several years later she started sniffing around.

 

He is happily married and she is 45 years old hanging out at bars looking for a guy.

 

Point being you can't compete or be fairly compared to the attention she is getting now. At some point she will likely snap out of it but you can do nothing now.

 

This guy was dating this girl that was over weight. He knew he could do better... but he loved her and stuck by her side. She lost 80lbs and shot up to being on the hot scale. Know what she did... Dumped him without hesitation. Sadly this is the female mind...

 

This is her post... I suggest you guys read it so you can see how at the end she repaid him.

 

Daily Dose of Happiness ? To The Woman Who Loves Him Next

[Dia Mata]

....demanding that she can not have a boyfriend AND live in her own home, is not going to set well with the local Family Court Judge.

 

So, what you are saying is that a married wife is allowed to have a boyfriend in the matrimonial home as she wishes? This argument is totally wrong.

 

I don't think what the husband said is threatening her in anyway. He is simply telling the her the fact that she is still his wife in law and so she can't have a relationship with another man unless they divorce first or the husband agree expressly or implicitly. It is as simple as that.

[Scorpio Chick]

Unpopular opinion, but fight to keep ypur marriage FOR YOUR CHILDREN. Did y'all take vows to be married for better or worse? Maybe you didn't but if you did, was 'the worse' qualified? This is one of the worse, do not throw in the towel. This will impact negatively, seriously your children. I know you may have neglected her emotionally, been a jerk. But it sounds like she also has had some excitement with this 'man' who hasn't minded screwing around with a young married mother of two. I'm sure if y'all divorce he will morph into a fine, upstanding, dependable, loyal man. Who will be in your children's life more than you thanks to their mother. My advice since you're asking: stay put. Don't feel grateful she wants to be friends, etc. How rich of her! Please fight, by tamping down any normal emotional reactions you may want to express. I just sense a strong indication that this can be made right again. Such a typical story, that with time, cooler heads and hearts can prevail over. Please fight, don't give up. She's gping through a phase, but despite what it looks like, she can 'come back'. Not that she should be molly coddled either. She cheated, she didn't earn getting to do this to a family, to her kids, because hubby was mean to her, she got fat, she lost it, turned an eye,blah blah blah. No. You fight for what is yours.

[Sweetfish]

Unpopular opinion, but fight to keep ypur marriage FOR YOUR CHILDREN. Did y'all take vows to be married for better or worse? Maybe you didn't but if you did, was 'the worse' qualified? This is one of the worse, do not throw in the towel. This will impact negatively, seriously your children. I know you may have neglected her emotionally, been a jerk. But it sounds like she also has had some excitement with this 'man' who hasn't minded screwing around with a young married mother of two. I'm sure if y'all divorce he will morph into a fine, upstanding, dependable, loyal man. Who will be in your children's life more than you thanks to their mother. My advice since you're asking: stay put. Don't feel grateful she wants to be friends, etc. How rich of her! Please fight, by tamping down any normal emotional reactions you may want to express. I just sense a strong indication that this can be made right again. Such a typical story, that with time, cooler heads and hearts can prevail over. Please fight, don't give up. She's gping through a phase, but despite what it looks like, she can 'come back'. Not that she should be molly coddled either. She cheated, she didn't earn getting to do this to a family, to her kids, because hubby was mean to her, she got fat, she lost it, turned an eye,blah blah blah. No. You fight for what is yours.

 

 

Because time and time again nothing matters other than a women's feelings.

 

Not the house they built.

Not the support.

Not the kids.

The vacations.

The food on the table.

Not the long hours of work paying the bills

Shopping for school supplies.

Christmas or thanksgiving holidays.

 

It all boils down to how SHE feels and this scenario plays out over and over and over again. Wouldn't be surprised if he paid for the gastric and took care of her after the surgery.

 

That's why he shouldn't fight... it sucks but trading unconditional love for butterflies and bailing on your kids....for 30 minutes of attention is not a fight I'm willing to fight.

 

Vows are contracts and contract can always be broken.

Edited December 1, 2016 by Sweetfish

[l8estnews]

Vows are contracts and contract can always be broken.

 

Not for people with honor, morals and values.

 

Sad, but these traits are lacking in most people nowadays.

[Jersey born raised]

You mentioned she meant him at cheer practice (a dangerous sport if it is the one I think it is) but you are not worried they are seeing each other in person because he lives in the city?

 

First who is he? What was he doing at cheer practice? You need to expose ruthlessly when before you file. You need to drive him out of your divorce. Right now she only focused on the wonderful life she will have with her new husband and father for her children. Drive him out and she will not have an ally encouraging her, telling her it's all you and you need to give her everything. Who keeps pushing her to demand more and every time you give in he becomes even more wonderful. Old shirt posted this awhile ago, it is well worth posting again:

 

 

For an affair to survive, it needs to have a marriage and it needs to have a supportive BS. *95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

 

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

 

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

 

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

 

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

 

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

 

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

 

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

 

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

 

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

 

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

 

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

 

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

 

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

 

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.

 

Oldshirt

 

Stay sane by working on yourself, bye learning how to be a better spouse to a wife. Her loss.

[Superchicken]

This guy was dating this girl that was over weight. He knew he could do better... but he loved her and stuck by her side. She lost 80lbs and shot up to being on the hot scale. Know what she did... Dumped him without hesitation. Sadly this is the female mind...

 

This is her post... I suggest you guys read it so you can see how at the end she repaid him.

 

Daily Dose of Happiness ? To The Woman Who Loves Him Next

 

 

 

Sadly, sweetfish, this plays both ways. Men are just as much 98% looks, 2% personality.

 

 

Thus the human species !.

No wonder aliens don't like to visit us (Not since my in-laws visited me anyway).

 

 

Ted.

[Superchicken]

 

I have been...there hasn't been any. They were using a Gmail account she created that I didn't know about...

 

May I suggest you do this.

When you grab her phone (Ask for it actually), tell her that you wish to install a "Emails message recovery" app.

Tell her the app will recover emails from 30 days prior.

Now, if she hesitates, or requests it back, you know where you stand.

If she doesn't care, then, ONE step positive for you.

 

 

It really is getting too much to have to do all this snooping, and lying, and you really need to put a stop to it for your own peace of mind.

Hopefully, this is the last few things you will be doing.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted

[PegNosePete]

They were using a Gmail account she created that I didn't know about...

They were using that gmail account, yeah. Until you saw it. Now she knows that you know about it so guess what?

 

Now she has deleted all the emails from that gmail account so that she can "show you her phone" and it will be cleaner than a whistle in a mouse factory. You will boldly demand to see it and she will show you proudly how clean it is and how the dripping snow wouldn't melt in her mouth.

 

Of course she won't show you her new secret gmail account that you still know nothing about... or her burner phone that she hides in her drawer at work / under her car seat / etc......

 

She is playing you like a cheap fiddle my man.

[Scorpio Chick]

Because time and time again nothing matters other than a women's feelings.

 

Not the house they built.

Not the support.

Not the kids.

The vacations.

The food on the table.

Not the long hours of work paying the bills

Shopping for school supplies.

Christmas or thanksgiving holidays.

 

It all boils down to how SHE feels and this scenario plays out over and over and over again. Wouldn't be surprised if he paid for the gastric and took care of her after the surgery.

 

That's why he shouldn't fight... it sucks but trading unconditional love for butterflies and bailing on your kids....for 30 minutes of attention is not a fight I'm willing to fight.

 

Vows are contracts and contract can always be broken.

You are inadvertently making my point. He HAS invested a lot, and that is one huge reason to fight, but the biggest factor to consider is the young children. Someone here actually wrote 'kids aren't harmed by divorce', that that is a myth. That is bull. I am a product of divorce and it has majorly impacted me. Too many couples divorce over one of them screwing around. If kesta and his wife didn't have kids, I'd chime in with the ones saying to leave. This WILL impact the kids, forever. Because she's worried about her crotch over anything or anyone else, especially her own kids. I'm not saying kesta needs to love her or like her, but he needs to be firm with her, polite, etc...for the kids. The kids, the kids, the kids. Funny how everyone argues for everything else, but the kids that most certainly ARE affected. I don't give a rat's butt about her feelings...he needs to be the leader, the man, and I think it can be done. And when kesta and his wife are 80 years old he can remind her from time to time what a jerk she was being back then. I'm team kesta but mostly I'm team kesta's little kids.

Edited December 2, 2016 by Scorpio Chick
left something out

[PegNosePete]

Someone here actually wrote 'kids aren't harmed by divorce', that that is a myth. That is bull. I am a product of divorce and it has majorly impacted me.

And how would it have affected you if your parents had stayed together even though they didn't like each other, didn't love each other, wanted to be with other people, were constantly unhappy and fighting?

 

Sure, divorce might harm kids but often it is the lesser of 2 evils. Staying together "for the kids" is often much worse option. Kids having 2 happy, separate parents is better than having 1 unhappy "family".

[Scorpio Chick]

And how would it have affected you if your parents had stayed together even though they didn't like each other, didn't love each other, wanted to be with other people, were constantly unhappy and fighting?

 

Sure, divorce might harm kids but often it is the lesser of 2 evils. Staying together "for the kids" is often much worse option. Kids having 2 happy, separate parents is better than having 1 unhappy "family".

It sounds like with kesta, there was no physical abuse. He was jerky to her. Ok. Not good, but if every marriage with kids split up because one of the partners was jerky we'd have....oh wait....we DO have, a nation of split families.

 

I worked in a family law office for 6 years...trust me, and I'm sure you personally know people, divorcing with kids has a major impact on kids. Where they have to be in their own family, even if there's not a lot of outward love - I'm not talking about families where there's abuse of any kind, and kesta's sitch doesn't sound like that - that's one thing. After divorce the kids will start having to be involved with multiple family units. The mom's bf, the dad's new gf, etc...The calls & issues we dealt with at work regarding children took a bite out of my soul. And most,of it was stupid, petty stuff that one of the bitter ex spouses didnt mind dragging their child into.

 

Instead of investing all that negative energy into the transforming of new family units, problems, etc...it would be better to invest the time and trouble to fight. So much cynicism and I understand but geez.

 

Honestly, it's no wonder there's so much pain and suffering today, people are so jaded and cynical and give up at the first big patch of trouble. I just think, parents have maybe, if they're lucky, 18 good years with their kids. It goes FAST too. Why not do all you reasonably can to make it work...FOR THEM?

[BluesPower]

You know what Scorpio Chick, I understand where you are coming from.

 

I actually agree with this most of the time.

 

But in his situation, his wife cheated and she wants to separated after he has stood by her all this time.

 

I really don't know how you come back from that after everything that he has been through. And just being roommates for the kids is really not the right thing to do. They know that both parents are unhappy.

 

Sometimes it is the right thing to divorce...

[vla1120]

I worked in a family law office for 6 years...trust me, and I'm sure you personally know people, divorcing with kids has a major impact on kids. Where they have to be in their own family, even if there's not a lot of outward love - I'm not talking about families where there's abuse of any kind, and kesta's sitch doesn't sound like that - that's one thing. After divorce the kids will start having to be involved with multiple family units. The mom's bf, the dad's new gf, etc...The calls & issues we dealt with at work regarding children took a bite out of my soul. And most,of it was stupid, petty stuff that one of the bitter ex spouses didnt mind dragging their child into.

 

Instead of investing all that negative energy into the transforming of new family units, problems, etc...it would be better to invest the time and trouble to fight. So much cynicism and I understand but geez.

 

Honestly, it's no wonder there's so much pain and suffering today, people are so jaded and cynical and give up at the first big patch of trouble. I just think, parents have maybe, if they're lucky, 18 good years with their kids. It goes FAST too. Why not do all you reasonably can to make it work...FOR THEM?

 

I happen to agree with most of what you are saying, Scorpio Chick, but I'd like to share my thoughts on that topic. I DID stay with my husband for 32 years and waited until my daughters were all grown (the youngest was 17) before I divorced him. I did not get married to get divorced, and I agree with you that too many people throw in the towel too quickly for the wrong reasons. I believe the only valid reasons for divorce are physical abuse (and severe emotional/verbal abuse), cheating (though I tried to maintain our marriage through that), drug and alcohol abuse, and gambling or a severe vice that adversely affects the family unit. So I thought I was doing the right thing.

 

Now, I am watching my grown daughters struggle with relationships because they did NOT have the example of a loving, mutually respectful relationship in their home between their two parents while they were growing up. Instead, they saw constant conflict and resentment from both sides. You may say that we should have kept our conflicts behind closed doors and shown our daughters only the good side of our relationship, but that's not always a reasonable expectation, especially when one party is verbally and emotionally abusive. Also, it's really hard to fake it for some people (and I'm one of them.)

 

What I am seeing is the two older daughters settling for guys/men who treat them like absolute crap. I ask them "Don't you think you deserve better than to be treated like this?" Then I remember what they grew up with, a mother who stayed together with a cheating, arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive man to keep her family together. I will always wonder if they would have been better off if I had left him after the initial cheating episode.

[Scorpio Chick]

Hi vla1220. As I see it, you should have no regret, YOU TRIED. I'm not sure what the answers are. I hate saying this because I feel like I'm talking bad about my parents, but I never saw them being loving to each other. Never. They weren't ugly to each other, not rude, not snarky. Obviously since I have siblings they managed to be friendly with each other from time to time. LOL. But I never saw abuse either. They had a lot of kids so they were too busy working, cleaning, etc.. to do much of anything, poor things, lol. I don't know. I'm kinda screwed up in the head and heart though where men are concerned though, but I don't want to put any blame anywhere.

 

I'll get off my high horse about it all and just hope for the very best for kesta. He seems like a good guy. His wife is probably a good person too but having her issues right now and being very selfish. I just see hope in it for them. I guess the thing is if his wife - and he - can agree to work on it and a big part is modeling being loving for their kids. SOMEONE has to start fixing these kind of marriages, may as well be kesta and his wife!

 

I admire you because you at least tried and sacrificed to give your kids a stable home.

[LancasterAmos1966]

it would be better to invest the time and trouble to fight.

 

Scorpio Chick, what you are saying concerning keeping marriages intact is what I believe and exactly how I'm living out my life --- but unfortunately, there's no easy fix to the breakdown of marriage and families.

 

After my estranged wife moved out, I threw away my "holier than thou" attitudes relating to keeping marriages intact. When I used to hear of someone having marriage problems, I naively thought that just one of them needed to show more love and kindness -- and they would live happily-ever-after.

 

I was wrong!! Very wrong.

 

 

 

 

His wife is probably a good person

This is definitely my kind of thinking.

 

She is not a narcissistic jerk that deserves to be locked up in a dungeon for the rest of her life just because she isn't honoring her marriage vow the way others want her to.

 

I don't condone a spouse breaking up a marriage and family, but I accept that it does happen.

[Marc878]

Unfortunately in today's society marriage has become disposable. I doubt vows mean anything other than just nice words for a ceremony.

 

However, I'm not a save the marriage at all costs. Adultery is a valid reason to end one.

[Pete2304]

This guy was dating this girl that was over weight. He knew he could do better... but he loved her and stuck by her side. She lost 80lbs and shot up to being on the hot scale. Know what she did... Dumped him without hesitation. Sadly this is the female mind...

 

This is her post... I suggest you guys read it so you can see how at the end she repaid him.

 

Daily Dose of Happiness ? To The Woman Who Loves Him Next

 

That's one of the saddest but nicest things I've ever read.

[Kevinv]

Hi everyone, I am new to this message board! I am too distraught to write a Intro of my own yet, or to reach out for help.

 

But I would like to say that I am in a very similar situation as kesta86. So reading all the support and advice in this thread is making me feel a little better.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Kevinv

[BluesPower]

Well Kevinv the sooner you start your own thread the sooner you can start to feel better. And, you can get advice on your own situation that will be helpful. Just realize that the people on LS will tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not.

 

Also, writing it out in detail usually helps you to really sort through your feelings and gain clarity about your situation.

 

Good luck...

[kckc]

This right here sums everything up. There is nothing to hold onto. You can love her unconditionally and wish, hope and dream things would be different. I don't know what else she needs to say for you to just say enough is enough. File for divorce. I know you said you wouldn't but you are just avoiding the inevitable.

 

Exactly. And missing a chance of meeting someone else in the future. The sooner it's done, the better.

[New_girl]

One more thing. If you want any chance of reconciliation - she has to be the one to move. If you move her life goes on with minimal changes except for the part she doesn't want anymore - you. She moves out and she immediately understands the gravity of the decision.

 

She moves out. Do not compromise on this.

 

I disagree. My story is very similar (husband doesn't feel much emotion, knew we didn't have a marriage and just let it run its course, I asked for us to work on things and it didn't happen). I did not, however, have any other man.

 

In the end, I moved out. He refused. And I resent him for it. He wouldn't work on the marriage and I was the one who had to move out? If she has to move, I suspect she'll just find a new life without him and will resent the fact that she can't be a mom to her children in the home she created for them.