Girlfriend flirting with my friend...

[Solstice]

I believe that my girlfriend is flirting with my friend. I have been with her for 5 months. She is my first girlfriend and I am her 3rd boyfriend.

 

Anyways, over the past while, I have noticed that she playfully slaps his arms, shoulders, back and even pokes him in the stomach for fun. She has even tried to pull out a few hairs on his leg. She seems to like to stand close to him and has even mentioned that he was cute to me (when she first met him) She doesn't do this to any other of my friends and is being more physical that I would like to see.

 

Just the other day, they were watching a movie and when I arrived, he showed me his arm. They were watching a sad movie and she was apparently squeezing his arm and left fingernail marks.

 

She says that she loves me, and I believe her, but maybe she subconciously likes my friend? I don't think she is doing any of this in front of me on purpose. Am I too naive?

 

I am not sure what I should do, but I do know that this bothers me and has left me depressed and saddened. Today she asked if anything was wrong, but I didn't tell her.

 

Please lend me your advice.

 

Thank you.

[Bryanp]

It sounds like she has a crush on your friend. If the roles were reversed, do you think your girlfriend would put up with such crap?

[Iluvsiamese]

Check out the thread on "Definition of cheating." There are some good points there. Have you told her that her behaviour is making you uncomfortable? If not, you need to calmly tell her that you feel like a third when she acts like this and get her to open up about what she thinks is appropriate behaviour. If her personal set of rules don't jive with yours and she sees no reason to adjust then you are leaving yourself open for repeat performances.

[Opium]

I am not sure what I should do, but I do know that this bothers me and has left me depressed and saddened. Today she asked if anything was wrong, but I didn't tell her.

 

Ok, so you're depressed and saddened by this and you haven't told her? That confuses me, if you're in a relationship with someone and you love each other you should be able to talk about anything. Gut feelings are 99.9% true (as you may read some threads on Gut feelings). You need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend or if you feel more comfortable, talk to your friend.

 

Let your gf know that her intentions look as if she "likes" your friend and you would really like for her to stop play fighting with him so much because it doesn't make you feel good and theirs no reason for it in the first place. Why was she alone watching a movie with him??

 

I wouldn't allow my SO to be alone with someone of the opposite sex no matter how much I trust him/her. Why? Simple it gives them a 'chance' or even just the thought that my SO is with another man/girl ALONE, doesn't go good in my game of love. You need to put your foot down and start acting like the man of the relationship or talk to your buddy. Which ever one you feel more comfortable with but you definitely need to say something or else you'll continue to get hurt. Unless of course you like feeling this way, which it's obvious you don't.

[Cecelius]

Correct me if I am wrong, but these are high school kids we're talking about? She's under 25, chances are she needs the ego validation of attention from other men/boys (why on earth should your g/f be sitting around with another guy watching a movie).

 

Don't sweat it, but don't get emotionally involved. be there for the fun, but mack the he11 out of other girls.

[UCFKevin]

Precisely. Very well said.

 

She's being childish.

[Solstice]

Hello. Sorry for resurrecting an old thread but I need some more advice and to vent as I am still hurting.

 

I would like to start off by thanking everyone for their suggestions and replies from way back. I did manage to talk to her and everything had gotten better. She had not realized what she was doing and has made an effort to prevent it from happening again.

 

This may be a long read and I apologise for that. I just need to get this off my chest and hear some advice if possible.

 

It has been approx 1 year and 3 months since that happened, but now something else has come up.. something worse.

 

She is now 20 years old and I am 26. We work in the same department and recently, I had taken a 2 week vacation just to relax at home. This week was my first week back at work.

 

Two days ago on Wednesday, she had called me up near midnight. She was upset and crying so she asked if she could come over and of course I said yes. When she was over, I did not want to pressure her with questions, but she just wanted to be with me. She fell asleep crying and in the morning, she woke up crying. I was trying to think of all the things that could have happened and was getting a worried, but I want her to tell me when she is ready to.

Last night (Thurs), after work, we came over to my place and she started crying again. She said that she loved me and wants to be with me... then she told me what had happened. I think I would have preferred if she told me that she was pregnant...

 

When I was away on vacation, another coworker (one of her friends at work) had come up to the floor and started hanging out more and getting closer with her. I have noticed in the past that she had driven and dropped this person off to his car. She even invited this person to our department party our manager through at her house even though he is not in the same group/department. Anyways, on that day 2 days ago, he was going to be at the library studying and according to her, he had asked her to drop by on her way home. She went to fill up gas and dropped by since 'it was close by'.

 

Instead of dropping by quick, she ended up staying there with him for 2 hours, doing some work of her own. Near the end, they were talking and then he held her hand and confessed that he liked her. I don't remember but she might have told him that she liked him too.. He put his hand on her back and went in for a kiss. She claims that she said no, so he kissed her forehead... and then went for the lips anyways. She did not resist.

 

Shortly after, she started crying and said that she had to go. He walked her to her car and said something like "I can't let you leave like this, etc, etc"

She said she would be fine and so he left. She told me that she had cried in the back seat of her car for an hour before she went home and cried some more. A few hours later is when she had called me near midnight. She had initially started to cry because she said that she thought of our emotional talk 1year and 3 months ago where we were both crying.

 

She told me that it was curiosity and that it was an "in the moment" kind of thing. I don't know what to do or to believe because right now, I do not trust her at all. Things were going great. Our lives have been heavily intertwined and I can't believe that she would put it all on the line just like that. So that brings me to the conclusion that she likes the guy or doesn't have some common sense and is naive.

 

I wanted this relationship to work out really bad.. and it was for the longest time. Maybe things were going to smoothly in this relationship...

 

Anyways, she is a nervous wreck right now. She has not eaten since Wed afternoon, has missed some classes, almost missed a midterm, work, etc.

 

She told me that she had gone to the other guys office and told him that they can not date because, although she likes him, she loves me. She told him that they should not talk for "a very very long time".

 

Riiiiight... I don't know what to believe. I can see that she is clearly upset and that she *seems* to regret it, but how can I trust her anymore? It has been only 1 year and 8 months since we started dating but something like this has happened two times now. I am just glad that it is now and not later, or when it is an affair or something. My Christmas present to her was a 10 day trip to Maui for Christmas too. Hotel and flight is booked and non-refundable.

 

I had said some very harsh, but truthful things to her last night. I was shocked and numb. I am still shocked and numb. Since then, every waking moment and sleeping moment, I keep on envisioning them together at the library. I am pissed every time I think of it and I can not make it go away. I don't want to picture that anymore.

 

Please. Any advice would be greatful because I don't want this to end, although I may be setting myself up for something much worse if I let this keep on going.

 

I do respect her courage for telling me and how bad it made her feel afterwards. She could have kept it to herself and I would have been an oblivious idiot going "La, la, la"., but I am sick and tired of going through this BS. I thought she would have learned after the first time.... *sigh*

 

Once again, please lend me your advice.

 

Thanks in advance.

[crazy_grl]

Please. Any advice would be greatful because I don't want this to end, although I may be setting myself up for something much worse if I let this keep on going.

 

Hate to say it, but I think you said it right there.

 

She's young and has some growing up to do before she can be in a real relationship. She should have known better than to go visit that guy at all. Since she didn't learn her lesson the first time, it seems this is one she's going to have to learn the hard way.

 

You could stick around hoping she won't do something worse next time, but do you really want to take that chance?

 

As for those tickets to Maui, I happen to be available... j/k.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but I think the chances are pretty good that she has not told you the whole truth. I think you would have to be in total denial to believe it was only one short kiss. Look she said she liked him and she was curious about him. Do you really think she would be so upset from one kiss? She sounds like she is a flirt. Interesting she waited until you were on vacations. How sweet she dropped by his apartment at night because it was on the way and just did some work at his apartment for a couple of hours. I am sorry but you are not getting the full truth and I think down deep you know that there was a lot more to this than she told you.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

She's 20. What'd you expect??

As girls, we don't know what it is that we want until we are in our 30's.

 

My advice is: have fun with her. You can't expect the kind of commitment as you would in a WIFE. However, that said, you may want to look for a girl who is at least 28 if you seek loyalty and commitment. She is definitely not ready to be committed to you in that way, at least not now.

 

Know what YOU want. Go from there.

[Spectre]

First of all, why does everyone keep playing off the fact that shes young, so what? are there like whore pheremones that dont disappear until a girl is considered "not young" or something?

 

I learned the proper way to treat a human being in grammar school, age is NO excuse for cheating. If she is one of those people who blame their infidelity on "wanting to experience life" or BS like that, just drop her. There are plenty of ways to experience life. Go back pack through europe, go bungee jumping, visit different states and cities. The bottom line is, if youre truly in love with someone, you want to experience life with *them*. If you truly love someone, you dont get crushes on other people, it is really as simple as that. Has nothing to do with age, if your gf loved you the way she should she wouldnt be kissing other guys.

[crazy_grl]

If you truly love someone, you dont get crushes on other people, it is really as simple as that. Has nothing to do with age, if your gf loved you the way she should she wouldnt be kissing other guys.

 

The reason it has to do with age is that some people need to learn what is acceptable and what isn't the hard way. Many people test the limits and do as much as they think they can get away with. When they finally realize that they can't behave like this and just cry their way out of it, they'll figure out that they have to be more respectful. Of course, some people don't ever figure that out.

 

I don't agree that age is an accuse for it or that all women under 30 behave like this, but I do think the younger you go, the higher chance there is of a person behaving selfishly and disrespectfully, whether male or female. The older a person is, the more time they've had to get it.

[Rooster_DAR]

The reason it has to do with age is that some people need to learn what is acceptable and what isn't the hard way. Many people test the limits and do as much as they think they can get away with. When they finally realize that they can't behave like this and just cry their way out of it, they'll figure out that they have to be more respectful. Of course, some people don't ever figure that out.

 

I don't agree that age is an accuse for it or that all women under 30 behave like this, but I do think the younger you go, the higher chance there is of a person behaving selfishly and disrespectfully, whether male or female. The older a person is, the more time they've had to get it.

 

I agree here as well, age has a lot to do with a lot of things. True, there is no excuse for cheating but peope this young are still growing up and making mistakes. There are other people out there (even younger people) that are mature and know this is wrong, I suggest you look for someone morally befitting.

Cheers!

[Spectre]

The reason it has to do with age is that some people need to learn what is acceptable and what isn't the hard way. Many people test the limits and do as much as they think they can get away with.

 

Even older people make mistakes, but cheating isnt a mistake. Ive said this before, a mistake is leaving the oven on too long and burning dinner, sex is a conscious decision, it isnt some quick reflex action that can happen by mistake. When I was 12 years old I knew it was wrong to cheat on someone. Its the person, not the age. a selfish person cheats on their bf/gf.

 

When they finally realize that they can't behave like this and just cry their way out of it, they'll figure out that they have to be more respectful. Of course, some people don't ever figure that out.

 

I don't agree that age is an accuse for it or that all women under 30 behave like this, but I do think the younger you go, the higher chance there is of a person behaving selfishly and disrespectfully, whether male or female. The older a person is, the more time they've had to get it.

 

Yet, older people still make these mistakes. Go check the infidelity forum, older people mostly married usually post there. Age has nothing to do with getting it, most people learn right from wrong at a young age. People whining and crying when they figure out they messed up isnt unique among young people. So I think its silly for this "oh shes 20 find someone older" no, he needs to find someone more mature, that could be someone 30, 28, or 20. The point is, age doesnt really have much to do with it, until you get to like age 15 and under. Even a 16 yr. old girl knows it isnt right to cheat on someone, and if she does, its cuz shes selfish and doesnt respect her partner, not cuz shes "growing up and still making mistakes"

 

Im only 21, im growing up and learning new things, I still no better than to do that to someone. So as I said, its the person, not the age. People dont ever stop making mistakes, but sex, kissing, etc. isnt a mistake. You can easily not have sex, or push someone away from kissing you, etc. Its really just giving people another excuse to give for shady behavior

[crazy_grl]

Even older people make mistakes, but cheating isnt a mistake. Ive said this before, a mistake is leaving the oven on too long and burning dinner, sex is a conscious decision, it isnt some quick reflex action that can happen by mistake.

 

I'm not sure whey you're addressing this whole post about cheating not being a mistake to me. I never used that word.

 

When I was 12 years old I knew it was wrong to cheat on someone. Its the person, not the age. a selfish person cheats on their bf/gf.

 

I agree, but I do think the chances of a person understanding this is greater the older a person is, and the older the person, the more likely they're going to be that way for the rest of their life. (Old dog, new tricks and all that.)

 

Yet, older people still make these mistakes. Go check the infidelity forum, older people mostly married usually post there. Age has nothing to do with getting it, most people learn right from wrong at a young age. People whining and crying when they figure out they messed up isnt unique among young people.

 

Precisely, which is something I already said: "Of course, some people don't ever figure that out."

 

So I think its silly for this "oh shes 20 find someone older" no, he needs to find someone more mature, that could be someone 30, 28, or 20.

 

I agree with this. I don't think the answer is to date someone 28, because being older doesn't guarantee maturity. The answer is to make sure the person you're dating is mature and respectful no matter what their age.

 

Even a 16 yr. old girl knows it isnt right to cheat on someone, and if she does, its cuz shes selfish and doesnt respect her partner, not cuz shes "growing up and still making mistakes"

 

I don't know if you're misunderstanding me or attributing KnowHowLoveFeels words to me, but I never said it was ok because she's "growing up and still making mistakes". I said that she needed to learn some lessons, which means that she deserves to be dumped to learn her lesson. I didn't say her actions should be excused. (I just re-read my earlier post and realized that maybe the misunderstanding comes from the stupidity of me spelling the word excuse "accuse". WTF? I need more sleep.)

[DanielMadr]

I believe that my girlfriend is flirting with my friend. I have been with her for 5 months. She is my first girlfriend and I am her 3rd boyfriend.

 

Anyways, over the past while, I have noticed that she playfully slaps his arms, shoulders, back and even pokes him in the stomach for fun. She has even tried to pull out a few hairs on his leg. She seems to like to stand close to him and has even mentioned that he was cute to me (when she first met him) She doesn't do this to any other of my friends and is being more physical that I would like to see.

 

Just the other day, they were watching a movie and when I arrived, he showed me his arm. They were watching a sad movie and she was apparently squeezing his arm and left fingernail marks.

 

She says that she loves me, and I believe her, but maybe she subconciously likes my friend? I don't think she is doing any of this in front of me on purpose. Am I too naive?

 

I am not sure what I should do, but I do know that this bothers me and has left me depressed and saddened. Today she asked if anything was wrong, but I didn't tell her.

 

Please lend me your advice.

 

Thank you.

 

What should you do?

 

3SOME