BarbieGirl Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 So, Im the other girl, the girl that the girls BF's want to cheat on them with. K! the real problem. Theres this guy I've know for about 3 years now. Every since we met we liked eachother. He meant everything to me and he was the only one I was with. We ended up at the same college and dated but he would never let me be his gf of course I was always sad about this, but it wasnt worth losing him. So last year he got a gf, that he was dating the same time as me, that I never knew about. He was cheating on her with me when I didnt know about her. I found out about her, and she found out about me. She decided to stay with him. We decided to be friends but then unfortunately ended up hooking up again and again, the last time was about a month ago. Its not that we just hook up though, we act like nothing happened. We go to lunch, we go out, we call eachother, text eachother and IM. He doesnt talk to me like just a friend. He talks to me sexually for over a month before we actually end up in the same bed. Its not just like a drunk lets hook up kind of thing. He talks to me on a personal level. I feel bad because he tells his gf he loves her, and I know shes in love with him. (sometimes I just want to tell her, but know its not my place and she will end up heart broken) They have been together a year now, and for some reason Im still hanging on. At times I cry because I know that could have just as easily been me (his gf that he cheats on wiht another girl) I dont know if Im the only girl he cheats on her with. But She was talking about marrage!!! I adore him, I really do and dont want to lose him as a friend but I dont know what to do. Its killing me. I know I should lose all contact with him, but I cant, Ive tried, we have a lot of mutual friends and I miss him. I'm just so confused why he does this, and how can he be in love with his gf if he still hangs on to me..... SO confused I date other guys, and am with other guys but hes still always in the back of my mind. Im also a very attractive girl... Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 If you don't want to be hurt you have to cut all contact with this guy, no matter how hard it is. Once you have taken that first step not only will you feel relief, but you will give yourself the opportunity to find someone who wants you as their girlfriend, and no other. Otherwise, I'm sorry to say this, you've only got yourself to blame if you keep hanging around and letting him use you. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Zaira is right. You are now in a tangled web of lies and deceit, with the boyfriend being the spider. He already seems to have wrapped up the GF, are you willing to let yourself be consumed by BF, or are you going to put up a struggle to escape this situation. It is not easy to escape the mess, but you have no choice. Unless you don't want to change the situation. If he does not mind cheating now, who is to say that he would stop cheating when he is married? Certainly when he can get away with it. As for telling her, you could make a case for it. After all, she is unaware of the health risks she is being put though - in the case that he might have Herpes or even HIV (and who is to know?) , you could doubt in all seriousness the consentuality of all sexual intercourse he engages in. Aside from that, she might reasonably expect her boyfriend to uphold the same sexual morality. After you discovered each other's existence, she must have assumed that he was actually telling the truth, when he committed himself fully to her. Would you want to have a boyfriend who cheated on you, and be kept unawares of his exploits? Of course with you being the other girl, your motives will always seem selfish. Especially to his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 We decided to be friends but then unfortunately ended up hooking up again and again, the last time was about a month ago. Its not that we just hook up though, we act like nothing happened. We go to lunch, we go out, we call eachother, text eachother and IM. He doesnt talk to me like just a friend. He talks to me sexually for over a month before we actually end up in the same bed. Its not just like a drunk lets hook up kind of thing. He talks to me on a personal level. You aren't friends. You are "friends with benefits". If you want to see how much he cherishes your friendship, cut off all the sex/flirting/intimacy/romance/affection and see how often he wants to spend time with you after that. Your 'friendship' is part of your sexual relationship. End the sexual relationship and I expect your 'friendship' will end as well. Right now, you are good enough for him to hang out with and have sex with, but he reserves his romantic emotional interaction for other people. What you get now, is pretty much all you can hope for from this guy if you continue to hold on to him in the way you are. The "relationship" you have works 100% for him. He gets all the benefits (including sex) from being with you and he doesn't' even have to have a relationship with you. In fact, its great for him because not only will you allow him to do this to you - you have no problem with letting him having a "real" relationship with a girl he does want a relationship with. Why on earth would he just arbitrarily change something that works so well for him? He won't. If you want to see a change - you'll have to be the one making it. If you want more than what you have, you have to be willing to risk it in order to get what you want. Tell him that you love him, but that your heart can't handle being his FWB, and that 'friends' isn't cutting it because you want more then 'friends'. Then break off contact with him. This is the ONLY way that he will have a chance to see if he will miss you being in his life. This means you will have to branch out your circle of friends - arrange to do things when you know he won't be there. Unfortunately, I think you are too afraid of 'losing him' to be able to pull off such a self-protective move - but truly, it is the only thing that is going to break this inertia. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BarbieGirl Posted July 13, 2005 Author Share Posted July 13, 2005 So, do I just ignore him then and say nothing to the reason we cant talk anymore? Also he gets mad at me anytime I hang out with other guys and his friends have always thought I was hot so he gets even more mad when they ask me out. Its when they come on to me that he comes and wants to hang out with me 24/7. I know he doesnt want to lose me, and thats when its the hardest... when ive moved on, b/c he becomes perfect and I cant say no. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 He is not in a relationship with you. So his anger should be placed at himself. If he wanted to be with you, he would not be with his gf. There is no law in the universe that forces him to stay with anyone. You would cut out the so called "friendship" out of your life, and then he becomes angry, because he can't have his cake, and eat it too. The thought of "losing" you, is unbearable for him, because he is in love with the benefits you have offered him thus far, without him having to give any form of commitment to you. If he were perfect one attribute would be that he does not have a gf. Right now he has. Ignore him, and resist him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BarbieGirl Posted July 13, 2005 Author Share Posted July 13, 2005 SO do I say somethign to him or just start ignoring him? Link to post Share on other sites
confused21 Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Wow your post sounds all to familar... If you checked out my post "Is this considered cheating" you can read all about my situation. I see you have your PM off but I would love to chat with you. Since you seem to be going through something very similar to me. Link to post Share on other sites
SUNSHINE143 Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 HELLO? IS ANYONE HOME? Do you really want to be the kind of girl other girls hate? This is a perfect example of why female don't get along, because most girls can't keep their legs closed. He has a girlfriend, you knew that and you hooked up with him again? Does anyone here believe in car-ma???? I am not saying you are a slut by any means, but all he wants from you is what's between you legs. If your not good enough to his girlfriend, then why keep sleeping with him? Do you really not believe you are better than that? His anger/jealousy when you talk to other guys is not because he cares about you, it's because he doesn't want another man "all up in" what he thinks is his!!!! I'm sorry to be so harsh, but if you were not in this situation you would see it so clearly. Plus I've been there,done that. If you wont stop hooking up for yourself, do it for the poor girl who thinks her man is faithful. Also, don't tell her. She will either not believe you or she will stay with him anyways as soon as he says he's sorry. Honey he IS NOT the only fish in the sea, you WILL love again and you WILL find someone who loves you back but it's NOT this guy!!!!!! Would you want another women to hook up with your guy if she KNEW about you? We girls need to look out for each other, not just ourselves. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author BarbieGirl Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 Thanks for taking the time to write that, if I wanted that advice I would have turned and told my friends. I cant because I know they will yell at me about it. I turned here for advice, not a lecture. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I was looking for someone who understanded. So, we ended up having sex again the other night, with the pictures of his girlfriend in his room, telling me how much he loved us (yes he used my name not hers) I feel bad for her because I know that just as easily could be in in her position. I know he does it because he can, its so hard to resist. I resisted for a good hour, but he kept wanting to hold my hand, kiss my face and hug me. Its so hard to say no, when everything just fits. Please dont yell, just some advice, if i want yelling I'll tell my roommates. He was my first, if that helps at all.. and we've been having sex for 2 years now Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Sorry to be so harsh, but this is a tough situation. Sugar-coating it won't help. Remove yourself from the situation. He won't magically transform in the Pope, and volentarily abstain having sex with you. He does that, because he can, and you let him. You let yourself be manipulated willingly, as you described in your last message. You know what goes on, but for one reason or the other you choose not to kick him out of your life. And you know how he uses these opportunities. To have sex with you, and make you even feel more crappier. There is no simple solution. You can't get into a relationship with him this way. He will f*ck you, because he can. You are nothing more to him than just a f*ck. There is no way to change that, until you actively change the situation. He will do it, until he gets caught by his gf/fiance/ wife/ mistress/ whomever, or until you put a stop to it. You can ask for all the empathy in the world, but it does not change one iota. You feel like crap, and your "friend" does not give a darn thing about that. You have actually do something about this situation. The fact that he is your first sexual partner, may make you have a special attachment to him, but it does not annul your brains. It does not mean that you can only be with him. Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia If you want to see a change - you'll have to be the one making it. If you want more than what you have, you have to be willing to risk it in order to get what you want. Tell him that you love him, but that your heart can't handle being his FWB, and that 'friends' isn't cutting it because you want more then 'friends'. Then break off contact with him. This is the ONLY way that he will have a chance to see if he will miss you being in his life. This means you will have to branch out your circle of friends - arrange to do things when you know he won't be there. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 I'm just so confused why he does this, and how can he be in love with his gf if he still hangs on to me..... SO confused Because both of you ladies LET him. She found out about you and decided to stay with him anyway. You knew about her and decided you couldn't do without him either. The guy's double-dipping because he's smarter than both of you two girls put together. Besides, both of you are so ambivalent about his behavior that you've all but given him your permission. So why wouldn't he?? Don't blame the player. Take a good look at your role in this game. And I wouldn't feel near as sorry for the other girl as would for myself. After all, aren't you in the same position as her?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BarbieGirl Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 Thanks... I think I know what I have to do, and I know what I should do. I've know it for a longggg time. I think my problem is I dont want to accept it and looking everywhere for another solution. I'm just hoping for someone to say he loves you, he wants you, she means nothing. I know it won't happen. Its just hard because I've tried before and then he just crawls back... I want to be friends, lets do lunch, lets go out, see my new car or something. I finally move on and thats when he realizes that im almost gone, and does everything to make me want him again. I am becoming less and less emotionally attatched, like when we did have sex, i knew it was just sex. Its just hard, but its something i got to do. I just dont like losing people in my life, I want to be friends but I know I shouldnt. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Well Barbie (interesting name), You obviously don't have much self esteem or self respect. You fall for his sh*t time and time again. All you are to him is a pretty girl to screw - nothing more. The only reason he gets his boxers in a bunch when other guys show interest in you is that he sees you as his sexual property. He doesn't respect you at all because people that respect one another don't use them like he's using you. To him you're nothing but a convenient "no-strings" conquest, a little excitement on the side. If you were so great to him, he'd be with you - in a monogamous relationship - but he's not. Get it? He's a skanky player and women like you and his girlfriend (who knows he was cheating with you in the past but decided to stay with him instead of kicking him to the curb) just reinforce his disrespect for women and belief that it's okay to screw around and use women; lie to them, betray them, deceive them........because there's no consequences and that women are generally just stupid and desperate and have no self respect. You've made several references to the fact that you're very good looking - what bearing does that have on anything, really? Whether a supermodel or as homely as a toad, a woman is still quite pathetic if she goes along with being used as nothing but a piece of arse. Link to post Share on other sites
CheerRoxy9 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Hey there.... Just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same exact situation as you except that I haven't known the guy as long as you have known yours and he has been with his GF for 5 years.... I know that you are looking for comfort in this situation and I would just like to say that I understand your confusion. I as well as you know what we both have to do in this situation, and it IS hard to actually rise to the occasion and do the right thing! You are not alone here- I have received the same advice to get rid of this kid NOW from so so so so so so so many people but easier said than done right..... best of luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Hmmmm, short term misery + long term happiness or long term misery, period. Not really that big of a choice, is it? Consider this to be tumor surgery and save your own life. Everyone is right and you know this. You also know what you need to do. The problem? You don't want to. No different from the dieter with the chocolate bar. They can see the disaster looming and they feel horrible, but they still want that piece of candy. So the misery goes on. Let me point out one more thing that has yet to be touched on. This misery will escalate. And not just with your discomfort with the situation. It is likely that as he loses respect for you because you allow him to do this, he will begin to show it and, Honey, it will hurt alot. Dump this guy in a hurry and save yourself alot of pain. He is not your friend and he will get over it in record time when he understands that you WON'T accept this anymore. What he will do, is find another to be his one on the side. You will not have lost anything in this equation, you will have found freedom to chose to be someone's number one. Psyche yourself up and go for it! You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by BarbieGirl So, do I just ignore him then and say nothing to the reason we cant talk anymore? Also he gets mad at me anytime I hang out with other guys and his friends have always thought I was hot so he gets even more mad when they ask me out. Its when they come on to me that he comes and wants to hang out with me 24/7. I know he doesnt want to lose me, and thats when its the hardest... when ive moved on, b/c he becomes perfect and I cant say no. This may sound harsh, but it's the same thing a good wise male friend of me told me once years ago and it's oh too true. The reason he acts like that when other men show attention has nothing to do with "LOVE" - it's akin to this..... a dog marks his territory and he pretty much ignores that territory, until another dog is sniffiin around...then he's right back, growling, protecting, and markin his territory again until the interloper is run off. that's all it is - it's not about you as a person or a woman or a friend - it's all about his territory the side benefit is it gives you just a tiny enough shred to keep you hangin on, and keeps you from finding out that some other guy will give you not just the tiny shred - but the whole ball of yarn....and then you won't need this guy anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
mutton Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 This is a guy who is obviously addicted to having two women around. You have to understand that he stays with you not because your lovely or he loves you but because he's just the type of guy that needs to cheat. You're being used. This type of guy is likely to hook up with another second woman the minute you break up with him. Please cherish your body and leave him. You deserve to give yourself more respect than to let him treat you as a free whore. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 i'm not sure why you still bother with this guy in the first place... he wouldn't let you be his girlfriend, but has no problem having a girlfriend and getting the goods from you when he wants it? ew. get some self-respect and stop doing this. he's a jerk, and you're giving him all you've got for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.pos Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 You should tell him how you feel if you havn't already. And if that's not what you want you should stop doin it. Link to post Share on other sites
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