NC vs LC at the office - so hard

[Noirek]

Where are you in your life Noirek? I looked but the last post you wrote over over a year ago.

 

NC with xMM for over a year. I can't remember official dates. He possibly broke it by adding me to snapchat but I think he may have added me back when we were all friends and I didn't have the app. Anyways I deleted and blocked him when I found out it was him. I saw him once in the grocery store a few months back and didn't really care. It was neither negative nor positive. It is good to be past that part of the whole deal. And the snapchat thing was good to know I had no temptation to go there. Not like last time.

[sunrise_sunset]

You see, SS. This is a prime example of your screwed up mindset, and I'm glad you can see it. It shows real progress.. You say that a year ago you and AP were starting to divulge your feelings for each other? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong. YOU had feelings for him...HE had the hots for you.....HUGE difference.

If BOTH of you had the same feelings for each other...you would be with him, divorced or separated, or at least working on your future together.

Using my situation as an example. I ended the affair with my MW, she regained her self esteem......then we began to see if we had a future. Turns out, we did, because we are extremely happily married and have 3 kids.

One of the worst things about an affair is that one or the other AP usually is not as committed as the other. For one, it's ****s and giggles, for the other it's love and affection. You might even use the same words, but with entirely different emphasis. And it's painfully hard for the AP who is in love, to admit to his/her self that he/she just doesn't mean as much to their horny partner, as their partner means to him/her.

So what you have to decide is ....regardless of your work situation, do you want to be his sex puppet? Because..whether you like it or not, that is what you are. I don't mean to be harsh, but sometimes a good dose of medicine can help to cut the fog.

 

JJ -- I feel as though I've had such a setback from surging FORWARD. After yet another setback last week (talking via phone, texting and meeting up -- all initiated by him but I was a willing recipient), we are back in NC once again. What a freaking roller coaster. I keep asking myself: should I just be OK with this? I don't think so, because as you pointed out -- I've always had stronger feelings. ALWAYS. But we're falling into a pattern here: NC for a period (initiated by me, trying to get back on track), then the whole thing is strong, wild and crazy for about a week, then after a hook up, he ghosts me -- yet is totally normal at the office. Luckily, it's been manageable at work, as we really don't interact much. As many posters have noted before: rinse, lather, repeat.

 

But I can't figure out if I can just be OK with this on again-off again thing. Is that what I want? Is that what anyone wants? I'm not looking for FOREVER. I'm not looking to leave my family. Something another poster asked today really hit me, too ... what the hell is MM thinking when he just disappears? How do they just shut it down and then look to rekindle on their own terms?

 

Blah. I feel like I need to hit the reset button.

[Chica80]

JJ -- I feel as though I've had such a setback from surging FORWARD. After yet another setback last week (talking via phone, texting and meeting up -- all initiated by him but I was a willing recipient), we are back in NC once again. What a freaking roller coaster. I keep asking myself: should I just be OK with this? I don't think so, because as you pointed out -- I've always had stronger feelings. ALWAYS. But we're falling into a pattern here: NC for a period (initiated by me, trying to get back on track), then the whole thing is strong, wild and crazy for about a week, then after a hook up, he ghosts me -- yet is totally normal at the office. Luckily, it's been manageable at work, as we really don't interact much. As many posters have noted before: rinse, lather, repeat.

 

But I can't figure out if I can just be OK with this on again-off again thing. Is that what I want? Is that what anyone wants? I'm not looking for FOREVER. I'm not looking to leave my family. Something another poster asked today really hit me, too ... what the hell is MM thinking when he just disappears? How do they just shut it down and then look to rekindle on their own terms?

 

Blah. I feel like I need to hit the reset button.

 

I think it could be one of two things: if they are a total douche who just wanted sex...well they got what they wanted. Until the next time.

 

If they care at all. It's guilt. They feel guilty. Somehow men don't think all the texting talking flirting is the problem. They aren't "really doing anything wrong". But it all leads up. It builds up to sex. So once that happens they feel guilty. Until that wears off and you start back at square one.

[sunrise_sunset]

Maybe this time, it will happen. I keep reading here, that as the A goes on, things can actually continue to get worse, as many stereotypes and patterns start to emerge that send one party packing. That person right now is me. Quick aside: why the fxxk doesn't HE ever try to end this?

 

I have tried once again -- and hopefully it sticks this time -- to put an end to this one-sided mess. It truly feels one-sided. I never entered into the A to feel like a used piece of garbage. I entered because xMM said he felt the same way! LIES! After a full year of push/pull, a few NCs and let's not forget those beautiful highs of reconciliation -- here we sit...back in NC, instigated by me for good. I told him to leave me alone. I can't take the ghosting anymore and just want to be done. I'm exhausted. I hope we can be cordial at the office (-- He Can't Break Me & Midnight Blue always have such wise words regarding the work scene here -- we rarely cross paths but all employees are connected via mobiles... how do I nix THIS?), and that is ALL. I don't want to know anything else. I won't, as we have no connection via social media. I just need to avoid, focus on family, and let TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS.

 

What the hell else choice do I have?

[sunrise_sunset]

Well it's just me writing on my own thread these days, which is fine -- kind of like a diary, where I can look back and truly see how this entire journey played out.

 

Still in NC with xMM, we're closing in on two weeks -- it's a funky NC, though. We are strictly NC out of the office, and about 98% in the office...it's extremely limited, too, maybe once every couple of days contact, where it's cordial and a question needs to be answered. It's okay.

 

Why haven't I cried this time? I haven't lost my s*&t yet. I lost my **** so many times prior to NC. And there are so many reminders of him -- around town, around the office, on TV shows, in the songs I hear. We both seem to acknowledge that this is for real this time. It needs to be. Contact was broken long before this time frame in the past, so maybe we're in the clear -- and now all the other stages of grief will show up at my door going forward. I'm dreading the guilt, which will come later, right? But first -- the sadness. Surprisingly, I just feel empty, not sad -- yet. I will, won't I? It will come. Probably at Xmas.

[drypuddle]

Hi sunrise! Just wanted to drop in and say I know what you're going through. This CAN be the time when NC is for good! Thinking of you and hoping for some comfort. Your thread may not always be replied to, but I assure you we are reading and we are cheering for you.

[sunrise_sunset]

Hi sunrise! Just wanted to drop in and say I know what you're going through. This CAN be the time when NC is for good! Thinking of you and hoping for some comfort. Your thread may not always be replied to, but I assure you we are reading and we are cheering for you.

 

Thank you, drypuddle! This day was a tough one. A bit of a roller coaster. Saw xMM more than once at work, which isn't always common (we will have NC for the next two days, I worked out my schedule around his meetings, etc). It was fine around anyone who was present, no tension. In fact, it was almost jovial and upbeat. But how weird is it to resume NC the minute we leave the office? We ran into each other at the end of the day, and there was this one terribly awkward moment, where it was just "have a nice evening" -- before, lots of flirting and happy talk of inside jokes, etc etc.

 

We used to talk for hours via phone and text each evening around our schedules (if we didn't meet up), so to go from that extreme to absolutely nothing -- it's weird -- kind of a relief, but certainly sad, too. I like not being tied to my phone. I like having total focus on the kids, and I think he is feeling relieved that this is behind us, too. The whole thing was getting so complicated, with our schedules and me feeling more (who was it that said I had feelings for him, he had the hots for me -- totally true). So, I sit here tonight, just kind of empty -- right before the holidays. I want to switch gears so badly and just go full force into Xmas and being happy and feeling good about this decision.

 

I'll get there. Gotta get there.

[drypuddle]

I understand the dichotomy of missing him and also being relieved of the situation. It's a tough situation for all involved. It'll get better as time goes by.

 

I can't imagine having to see him at work, interact, and behave as though there's nothing wrong. I work with my xMM too but I rarely need to actually work with him or talk to him about work. I can manage my day so that I don't bump into him and luckily he only works two days a week. However, next week he will be here four days, all day. I'm nervous about how that's going to go.

 

We just gotta keep up that NC. I'm here for ya!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I understand the dichotomy of missing him and also being relieved of the situation. It's a tough situation for all involved. It'll get better as time goes by.

 

I can't imagine having to see him at work, interact, and behave as though there's nothing wrong. I work with my xMM too but I rarely need to actually work with him or talk to him about work. I can manage my day so that I don't bump into him and luckily he only works two days a week. However, next week he will be here four days, all day. I'm nervous about how that's going to go.

 

We just gotta keep up that NC. I'm here for ya!

 

Hi there Dry Puddle. I understand about posting to yourself here. I did it for a year. I just wanted to pop in to say (kindly) that until you do not see him again - ever- you will never 100% be better. And I get it, I stuck it out for a YEAR. I was not going to be the one to leave, no way, I dug my heels in. I got lucky and his wife pulled him out. Its been 2 weeks and I'm a new person. I look back and - was it all worth it? Not sure.

 

Just something to think about.

[drypuddle]

Hi there Dry Puddle. I understand about posting to yourself here. I did it for a year. I just wanted to pop in to say (kindly) that until you do not see him again - ever- you will never 100% be better. And I get it, I stuck it out for a YEAR. I was not going to be the one to leave, no way, I dug my heels in. I got lucky and his wife pulled him out. Its been 2 weeks and I'm a new person. I look back and - was it all worth it? Not sure.

 

Just something to think about.

 

I'm not really interested in finding a new job and it's nothing to do with maintaining that connection to him. I have as close to zero stress as a person can get when it comes to a career. Seriously. My job is amazing. I have a great boss, great benefits, great coworkers. I don't have a single complaint about it until now, just having him around. And like I said, I can manage to avoid him. things have really gotten better for me in the last week. I don't know if it was a smoke signal or just a way to tell me to f*** off for telling his wife but either way, it proved to me that much more how ridiculous and absurd the affair was. How much time wasted. How much energy spent. So, moving along relatively well, with little bouts of sadness every now and then.

[road]

I'm not really interested in finding a new job and it's nothing to do with maintaining that connection to him. I have as close to zero stress as a person can get when it comes to a career. Seriously. My job is amazing. I have a great boss, great benefits, great coworkers. I don't have a single complaint about it until now, just having him around. And like I said, I can manage to avoid him. things have really gotten better for me in the last week. I don't know if it was a smoke signal or just a way to tell me to f*** off for telling his wife but either way, it proved to me that much more how ridiculous and absurd the affair was. How much time wasted. How much energy spent. So, moving along relatively well, with little bouts of sadness every now and then.

 

Why did you tell his wife after you were done having sex with him?

 

 

Why not tell the BW before you were going to have sex with her WH?

[sunrise_sunset]

Hi there Dry Puddle. I understand about posting to yourself here. I did it for a year. I just wanted to pop in to say (kindly) that until you do not see him again - ever- you will never 100% be better. And I get it, I stuck it out for a YEAR. I was not going to be the one to leave, no way, I dug my heels in. I got lucky and his wife pulled him out. Its been 2 weeks and I'm a new person. I look back and - was it all worth it? Not sure.

 

Just something to think about.

 

Midnight Blue -- I have been thinking about you these past days, wondering how you are doing now that the final interactions are OVER. Are you still having the ups and downs? The highs and lows? I'm still in LC with xMM at office, and it's not great -- let me tell you. I feel like 2017 has to bring the change we are clearly both needing, whether it's him or me that leaves. Lord, it's probably gonna have to be ME. I know we are both looking -- rather, I knew we were both looking a few months back. Since we haven't had any discussions outside of formalities around the office, I couldn't tell you where he is in terms of leaving the job. I know I'm looking.

 

We had some interaction this past week, all totally manageable. You know what's different this time? I have no HOPE. I used to leave every conversation so hopeful, so excited and so anxious to get to our NEXT interaction. There were promises of seeing each other, calling, texting...that's all gone. So, when we talk now, it always seems so final. I literally walk away and think, ok, you got through that, and you're FINE. Mind you, I'm just shy of 3 weeks NC/LC. Can this even work, though? LC at office, NC outside of --?