Why remove an FB photo of an ex THREE YEARS after you broke up or had ANY contact?

[Zapbasket]

OK. You asked a question and are now simply arguing with anyone who attempts to answer it or offer a reasonable explanation for his actions. Why do YOU think he removed it?

 

Where are you seeing me "arguing" with you? Or with anyone else? I'm unpacking my bafflement and my last response to you was another facet of it that I typed up by way of soliciting clarity. People mentioned another girlfriend--well, he doesn't have one yet given he just joined a dating site. But whatever future gf he has, it seems odd that anyone would feel threatened by a 3-y/o photo of a woman he dated before, who is not a FB friend or in his life in any way, that's way down on his FB timeline.

 

I have no solid opinion on why he removed it, because I can't relate to it in any way. I can't relate to any of the way he behaved, either in the relationship or after it. I don't care that my older photos on Facebook don't reflect what is in my life now. Now is what reflects ME and the rest is just...history. And how I feel about that history so utterly has nothing to do with the shallow form that if Facebook that I don't even try to make FB a mirror of the status of my psyche.

 

I literally cannot come up with any explanation as to why a photo of me from over three years ago so matters / doesn't matter enough to take any trouble to remove it. Facebook has been around long enough now that we all have histories on it and who cares? I wouldn't care in the least if a guy I was dating had photos of his ex on his Facebook. I WOULD care if those photos were recent and/or she was around on his page, commenting on his photos and such.

[jen1447]

Why remove an FB photo of an ex THREE YEARS after you broke up or had ANY contact?

 

Probably just a matter of moving on GC, nothing more and nothing less. Some ppl do that by figuratively cleaning house from time to time.

[Zapbasket]

I had two initial thoughts:

 

1. He has a new GF or is looking for one (hence the profile on the dating website).

 

2. He doesn't use FB that much and forgot the picture was there. He logged onto FB, and he randomly noticed the pic & deleted it.

 

Well, if he has a new gf then I feel particularly sorry for her, seeing as he's also on a dating site that he joined only yesterday.

 

And the pic he deleted was posted at the same time and therefore was right next to another pic he had of me, that he deleted a couple of years ago. Why not have deleted both back then? He could not NOT have noticed the photo back then, when he deleted the other one. If you want to forget about something or someone or no longer care, why not just be one and done with it and get rid of all the reminders in one fell swoop? And after THREE YEARS, why does it even matter? He is on FB every day because I see his comments on mutual friends' posts all the time; he has enough activity on there that that pic is by now way down in the bowels of his FB.

[PegNosePete]

I literally cannot come up with any explanation

Well there's lots of totally reasonable and logical explanations in this thread.

 

I wouldn't care in the least if a guy I was dating had photos of his ex on his Facebook. I WOULD care if those photos were recent and/or she was around on his page, commenting on his photos and such.

Well, that's you. Surely you can accept that others may not feel the same? Some people may be put off by seeing a guy's exes on his facebook. Now you can say those people are insecure or unstable or mental or whatever but it doesn't change the fact. Some people are put off by it, and he wants to avoid that.

 

If he's just started OLD at the same time as he deleted the pic then that's surely more than a coincidence. He is cleaning his house to prepare for the newcomers.

 

It seems pretty simple to me. I'm not sure why you're doing all these mental gymnastics.

[Zapbasket]

Probably just a matter of moving on GC, nothing more and nothing less. Some ppl do that by figuratively cleaning house from time to time.

 

I guess I'm just blown away that he could so easily "move on" after the way he acted. He wasn't the "moving" type of guy--very, very stuck and not just situationally, but psychologically. That's why I can't just take the oh, yeah, he just moved on, at face value. Someone so entrenched doesn't have the luxury of being glib.

 

I guess it hurts because even though I no longer expect anything from him in relation to me, it's hard for me to imagine someone acting as he did and not reaching out or trying to in some way or other as part of the necessary process of being able to move forward. You read about that kind of thing all the time.

[Frozensushi]

I guess I'm just blown away that he could so easily "move on" after the way he acted.

 

I think a better question to ask is "why are you obsessed with someone you broke up 3 years ago?", because this isn't healthy how you are obsessing over this deleted picture.

[Zapbasket]

Well there's lots of totally reasonable and logical explanations in this thread.

 

 

Well, that's you. Surely you can accept that others may not feel the same? Some people may be put off by seeing a guy's exes on his facebook. Now you can say those people are insecure or unstable or mental or whatever but it doesn't change the fact. Some people are put off by it, and he wants to avoid that.

 

If he's just started OLD at the same time as he deleted the pic then that's surely more than a coincidence. He is cleaning his house to prepare for the newcomers.

 

It seems pretty simple to me. I'm not sure why you're doing all these mental gymnastics.

 

Isn't it obvious? Because I have more emotional investment than strangers on the internet. Because I care, whereas you have the luxury of not caring. People ask these kinds of hopeless "why" questions on here all the time, and when I'm staring into their situation, the why is super-obvious. But compassion and empathy illuminates that pain makes things blurry. I would never shame anyone for feeling confused when they try to peer through their hurt to see the clear. We are supposed to be KIND and supportive on here. Some people may feel suicidal over their pain, and when you act like they're idiots for not seeing their situation in the black and white, you may be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and you'll never know it.

 

He didn't care, and he doesn't care. And it blows my mind, because I cared so much, and I believed he cared, too. I really believed he was just so psychologically damaged he couldn't get it together because all evidence pointed to that; even his own mom observed that. And I just believed that if he really were getting his act together, he would reach out. Maybe that's stupid of me; maybe it's just because I cared so much that it seemed impossible to be faced with such indifference.

 

Maybe I just want to find that person who cares as deeply as I do, about me, about our relationship. I thought he was that person, and my trust is broken because I didn't see his behavior as indifference. That I could misread so badly makes me doubt any signs of care from anyone. I no longer take for granted that anyone cares. It's a very lonely place to find yourself.

[JewelD]

You keep saying "after 3 years, why does it matter?"

 

It doesn't. That's why he deleted it. Some people like to keep old things that don't matter and others like to make room for things that actually do matter.

 

It is possible that he forgot it was there and fb reminded him with a "look back on this memory post".

 

If he wants to try to date new people, better to get rid of old pics or some women may think he is still holding a flame for an ex.

 

At the end of the day, it's just facebook. If he was so callous, why didnt you delete pics and untag yourelf?

[Blanco]

Strangers on the internet are still giving more thought snd empathy to this than your ex is or has for a long time.

 

I get that you're hurting, but some of your responses here [] are so over-the-top for a situation that involves a guy who sounds like he was often aloof toward you and your needs.

Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[VeveCakes]

Well, if he has a new gf then I feel particularly sorry for her, seeing as he's also on a dating site that he joined only yesterday.

 

And the pic he deleted was posted at the same time and therefore was right next to another pic he had of me, that he deleted a couple of years ago. Why not have deleted both back then? He could not NOT have noticed the photo back then, when he deleted the other one. If you want to forget about something or someone or no longer care, why not just be one and done with it and get rid of all the reminders in one fell swoop? And after THREE YEARS, why does it even matter? He is on FB every day because I see his comments on mutual friends' posts all the time; he has enough activity on there that that pic is by now way down in the bowels of his FB.

 

[]

 

He deleted it so when he meets new girls off the dating site they don't find his FB and think he has a GF. Simple as that. []

Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted content unproductive to the topic ~6

[Frozensushi]

[]

 

You have to stop being so defensive. You act like you're the only one going through something like this and that strangers can't empathize or relate to your situation. You of all people who've been on these forums for many years should know better than anyone that you should have been in NC a long time ago. You are making all these excuses to feel pity for yourself but refuse to accept any constructive criticism.

 

The point being, you shouldn't know anything about your Exe's activities. Period. That's why NC is so important to healing from a failed relationship. So when an Ex rids any evidence of you from their social media page, you are none the wiser and don't become distraught when they delete a picture of you.

Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quote of deleted post ~6

[Blanco]

Perhaps it's time to block his FB account. That was one of the first things I did when my last relationship ended. In doing so, I lost probably close to a few dozen photos of myself that she had posted over the years. So that kind of sucked, especially since many were with her children who I adored. But I knew it was probably for the best, not just because I would be in the dark about her online activities, but also because it prevented me from knowing if and when she decided to delete any of those herself.

[Zapbasket]

You have to stop being so defensive. You act like you're the only one going through something like this

 

I think my whole point is that I know I am not the only one. So given that, shaming someone for feeling what in our own way and in response to situations that might be uniquely triggers for us, we all feel, just makes me more sad than I already am.

[BC1980]

The point being, you shouldn't know anything about your Exe's activities. Period. That's why NC is so important to healing from a failed relationship. So when an Ex rids any evidence of you from their social media page, you are none the wiser and don't become distraught when they delete a picture of you.

 

^^^This exactly. Many threads ago, I suggested you block your ex to prevent what has now happened. You need to be able to heal without triggers. You've been "in contact" with him over social media for a long time now, which is why deleting the picture hurts so much after 3 years. Social media can he more detrimental to a breakup than being in actual, physical contact with a person. Social media allows you to live in a fantasy world and go down the rabbit hole of questioning and creating illogical scenarios.

 

I'm not judging how you feel or asking you to justify it. You feel how you feel. But you are not listening to constructive criticism that is being given on this thread and has been given along the way. I say that with your best interests at heart.

[VienneseCoffee]

Hey I recently blocked my ex's profile, untagged myself from all the photos we were in and deleted the ones of the two of us. I can't explain why it took your ex 3 years to do it. Maybe he felt sad looking at it or he just wanted to move on?

[lana-banana]

You asked why your ex would delete a picture. People explained it was an ordinary thing to do when you join a dating site. You refused to accept that as an explanation and lashed out with the most unjustifiable extreme vitriol and nastiness than I've ever seen on this site---and that's saying a lot. The exchange above is particularly cruel and senseless. Every suggestion I've seen has been well-intentioned if not blunt. We are worried that more than three years after a breakup you are this distraught over something so effectually trivial. People recommended blocking him, which you still refuse to do, even though it's obvious your current mental strategies aren't working. When someone implied you may not be coping well your response was to sarcastically threaten suicide. Do you think that's healthy?

 

[]

Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Over the top content redacted

[Blanco]

I feel like I'm an incredibly slow healer from breakups, even ones I wanted or knew were the best move. I've been fortunate enough to have close friends and family there to listen to me and be supportive in the immediate aftermath of these breakups, and yes, the many months after the fact.

 

For as grateful as I am to have had these people there for me, it ultimately was on me to really take the necessary steps to get on with my life and heal from these hurtful, bleak times.

 

I skimmed your main thread on this breakup and it seems like while you've carried on admirably with you life in the near three and a half years since the split, you've also made the process a lot more difficult. Things like keeping him as a FB friend (until he deleted you), staying in touch with his family, and keeping aware of his online activity, while understandable, have unquestionably ensured that you're never too emotionally detached from this man and the relationship you two once had.

 

Again, I understand you're hurting, but it seems like you're lashing out at anyone who is even hinting that it's time to finally let this man go, imagined connections and all, for your own sanity.

[Robert]

Note from moderation: We have deleted many of the harsh posts and personal attacks in this thread. This is a reminder for everyone to be civil and respectful towards the other members.

 

Thank you,

~6

[stillafool]

It's too complicated to go into why I care. My ex from three years ago removed a picture he had posted of me six months before we broke up. He just removed it this afternoon. We've had no contact whatsoever in three whole years. We're not even FB friends anymore (he unfriended me a little over a year ago). I admit that I often looked at his post about me (which I could still see because I was tagged in it, because in it he was very encouraging about an endeavor I'm still pursuing, and it made me feel good then, and it makes me feel good now. Some of my family had also commented on it and that meant a lot to me, too.

 

I'm surprised at how much it hurts, especially since I've come so far otherwise in my healing. Why remove a lone photo of an ex from THREE years ago? I have FB friends who have albums upon albums of photos with an ex-gf or ex-bf, even a couple who are married to other people now. It's obvious that those albums being from nearly a decade ago that they're just momentos, not them carrying a torch for the ex.

 

Please don't say, "The reason doesn't matter." Because obviously, to me, it does. I am curious, and baffled, that he'd wait until NOW to delete the last photo he has of me on FB. It made him look good, because he was so complimentary of me and because I was doing something prestigious, so why not leave it? Even a potential new gf would see that it was from over three years ago and we haven't had any contact in all this time. And on that note, I know he's not dating anyone yet, because as irony would have it, he just joined a dating website I was just considering joining and was browsing (I'm not going to join it now).

 

Any thoughts? I can't lie: it hurts.

 

See the thing is it is alot more complicated for us to try to figure out what a person we've never met or know anything about would remove a photo of another person we've never met. But, if I had to guess it's because he's finally met someone he wants a relationship with and the photo might deter them. I doubt a new gf would care to see it whether what he said was complimentary or not; why would she care. After 3 years you need to block yourself from snooping on his FB. He's moved on whether he is with someone else or not and so should you. A New Year is right around the corner and maybe he wants a fresh start.

[ExpatInItaly]

Block him, OP.

 

You can choose to help yourself heal and accept that he's not coming back.

 

Or you can your own worst enemy.

 

That choice is entirely in your hands. After three years, don't you owe it to yourself?

[stillafool]

 

 

Maybe I just want to find that person who cares as deeply as I do, about me, about our relationship.

 

You will find that person as soon as you let go of this one. You can't move on as long as you keep holding on.

[PinkElephants]

I find it amusing, even, that people actually would equate deleting a FB photo to "clearing space in the psyche." If your psyche really a) has any depth to it and b) is mostly "cleared," then you'd be so "indifferent" the presence of a photo wouldn't even be something you'd notice.

You started this thread demanding that people don't judge your journey but here you are judging those who are capable of indifference and forgetting about an ex.

 

The second part of the quote, and much of the rest of your posts, seems to be trying to make the case that the photo should have stayed. Again and again you repeat that it shouldn't matter if the picture stayed because that's what you want, not what he wants. You mock him and any future gf he has because you aren't getting your way.

 

if some new gf had a problem with after all this time, then that's just pathetic. If he's really moved on so much, then nothing about me could pose a threat to a new gf.

But whatever future gf he has, it seems odd that anyone would feel threatened by a 3-y/o photo of a woman he dated before, who is not a FB friend or in his life in any way, that's way down on his FB timeline.

Trust me, you're not a threat. My bf was friends with his college FWB. They hung out, were each other's wedding dates, and they posted pictures on FB. They were still up when we started dating and I didn't care. Everyone has a past and he's no different.

 

A month or so into the relationship he deleted all her pics, all pics of anyone else he'd ever been involved with and unfriended them. I never demanded anything. He'd simply reached a point where he wanted to shed the past and thought the respectful thing to do for me was to delete them.

 

You're really, really trying to make the case that the post should have stayed. You're shaming the future gf, implying she's threatened by you and insecure but it's all in your head.

 

I'm unpacking my bafflement

 

I can't relate to any of the way he behaved

 

I literally cannot come up with any explanation as to why a photo of me from over three years ago so matters / doesn't matter enough to take any trouble to remove it.

I guess I'm just blown away that he could so easily "move on" after the way he acted.

 

it's hard for me to imagine someone acting as he did and not reaching out or trying to in some way or other as part of the necessary process of being able to move forward.

THIS is the problem. You're baffled, can't understand, refuse to accept any suggestions, don't accept that he's moved on, can't imagine him not doing this or actually doing that. His actions don't fit what you'd do so you're going through exhaustive mental gymnastics trying to make it fit your world view. You can't make it fit so you're stuck on a merry-go-round of confusion because you refuse to accept that he won't behave the way you want him to.

 

The post is gone and no amount of obsessing will bring it back so what do you hope to gain?

 

FWIW, you're not alone. I have a dear friend who always goes after the wrong guys. Her family life is terribly broken and she's searching for someone to love her and build a new family with her. Sadly, she keeps getting used and cheated on. She's now with a guy who won't marry her or have kids when she desperately wants both and every breakup is accompanied by a tailspin of "why did he do that?"

 

It hurts my heart to see her in pain. No one here wants to see you in pain either which is why the community is trying to shed some clarity on your "confusion". It's one thing to be compassionate and another to enable your false hope.

[Zapbasket]

I feel like I'm an incredibly slow healer from breakups, even ones I wanted or knew were the best move. I've been fortunate enough to have close friends and family there to listen to me and be supportive in the immediate aftermath of these breakups, and yes, the many months after the fact.

 

And what made this very difficult for me is that I DIDN'T have that. I had a mother who for the whole three years has alternately shamed me and yelled at me for struggling. I didn't know anyone well enough to show how much I was hurting, and I faked every day that I was a-ok. Many people I know now never even know that I had a relationship of any duration while living here. It made what already was hard, a million times harder. And I'll openly admit that perhaps part of the reason for me keeping that FB connection alive was because the other circumstances in my life made it unbearable.

 

So, yes, every bit of progress I have made was like walking through fire, alone.

 

Again, I understand you're hurting, but it seems like you're lashing out at anyone who is even hinting that it's time to finally let this man go, imagined connections and all, for your own sanity.

 

Because if I really could let him go in my mind, I would have. I cannot describe what unbearable sadness it is to me to have moved all the way here for a whole new life, and started up with these people that came to feel like family to me here, and then to lose them, when all the rest of them but him wanted to continue to have a relationship of some kind with me and I tried for a long time to accommodate it until I couldn't bear it anymore, is so hard. It's hard because I don't feel I have strong connections here; I'm still not sure of my place in this small rural community. And because it's a small rural community, I did try to keep up a relationship with his family, because his mom and I do work for the same company and in my view, not burning bridges is just good small-town practice.

 

And I'm really feeling it now, because I'm honestly having a hard time that I am forty (just turned it a little over a month ago, so it's fresh), and this just wasn't where I wanted my life to be at all. And I'm doing everything I can, but the one thing you can't really control are the people you find. I'd love to meet someone really great, or just feel like I have more genuine friends nearby. My best friend has a toddler and doesn't have time to connect like she used to, and my mom is currently ostracizing me. I work hard to try to nurture friendships here, but sometimes no matter how you cut it, some people are not meant to be close ones.

Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[Zapbasket]

You mock him and any future gf he has because you aren't getting your way.

 

You're really, really trying to make the case that the post should have stayed. You're shaming the future gf, implying she's threatened by you and insecure but it's all in your head.

 

That wasn't what I said. I wasn't mocking him; I was trying to understand why. I never said the post "should" have stayed. I said I was hurt that it didn't, which is not the same thing. I wasn't shaming anyone, especially someone who does not yet exist. If anything, I said I would find it odd if a gf DID find threatening a single post about a woman who has not been in her bf's life for over three years, because she'd have no reason to feel threatened.

 

Most of all, I was never trying to make any kind of "case." Just sad, and trying to understand where this person whom I knew, very very well at one time, would be coming from to want so utterly nothing to do with me, ever. No more nor less.

[Been]

I think people don't understand when you move to a really small town to be with someone and then it goes bad how alone you really are and it DOES make it 10x harder then normal.

And before anyone says then move sometimes your not in that position to just pick up and go.

And I will tell you from my experience small towns gossip ALOT-everybody usually knows.