Reconciliation for the kids?

[DKT3]

The other day I read a member state he stayed for the kids with improving the marriage as a goal. Others didn't like the idea of these. I thought about it, and concluded that in part we all stay for the kids to a degree.

 

Briefly, my wife had an affair, we divorced spent several years apart, decided to give it another go and we remarried a years ago Friday.

 

The major catalyst for achieving this was our mutual desire to give our kids what we both had, two parents in love working as a team to provide the most balanced healthy childhood possible.

 

I will be the first to admit and told my wife so in the beginning, that not for the kids this would have never happened, I would have never looked back.

 

In the early stages there were lots of internal battles as we struggled to find a groove, times when weighing my own personal happiness vs what I felt was best for the kids. Convincing myself that I could shallow the sh*t sandwich if it could lead to something greater.

 

There was never a question about love, I have one loved this woman deeply since I was 17 years old (approaching 30 years...that makes me feel old). And the BS from me she put up with after the divorce left no questions about her love for me.

 

Still, it was, well tough.

 

I can say NOW I'm happy with my decision to do it "for the kids". We have found an amazing level of communication, which has lead to intimacy unlike we've never known. I finally feel like I can share everything thing with her and learning more everyday how to be a safe place for her to unload her emotions.

 

For the kids??? What better reason is there? What greater motivation can there be?

Edited November 16, 2016 by DKT3

[KimJ1234]

The other day I read a member state he stayed for the kids with improving the marriage as a goal. Others didn't like the idea of these. I thought about it, and concluded that in part we all stay for the kids to a degree.

 

Briefly, my wife had an affair, we divorced spent several years apart, decided to give it another go and we remarried a years ago Friday.

 

The major catalyst for achieving this was our mutual desire to give our kids what we both had, two parents in love working as a team to provide the most balanced healthy childhood possible.

 

I will be the first to admit and told my wife so in the beginning, that not for the kids this would have never happened, I would have never looked back.

 

In the early stages there were lots of internal battles as we struggled to find a groove, times when weighing my own personal happiness vs what I felt was best for the kids. Convincing myself that I could shallow the sh*t sandwich if it could lead to something greater.

 

There was never a question about love, I have one loved this woman deeply since I was 17 years old (approaching 30 years...that makes me feel old). And the BS from me she put up with after the divorce left no questions about her love for me.

 

Still, it was, well tough.

 

I can say NOW I'm happy with my decision to do it "for the kids". We have found an amazing level of communication, which has lead to intimacy unlike we've never known. I finally feel like I can share everything thing with her and learning more everyday how to be a safe place for her to unload her emotions.

 

For the kids??? What better reason is there? What greater motivation can there be?

 

My husband cheated and I initially stayed for the kids. You can make it work but it's a lot of work. I don't regret my decision as I feel closer to him now more than ever. He has said the same to me.

 

We've both had to realize where we went wrong and make changes. There was a level of emotional connection that was missing. Since going through the forgiveness process it's helped pull us together.

 

In hindsight I'm glad I stayed for the kids...now I'm staying for love.

[l8estnews]

As much as I don't want to happen to me, I find it interesting how people like you can forgive such a betrayal like that. In theory, if you ask me, I don't think I can forgive, but I guess it really takes one to be in the situation to be able to know your capability to forgive.

 

I salute you guys, though. Must have a very big heart to be able to do this.

[KimJ1234]

IMO the cheater has to be truly remorseful, honest, and willing to do whatever it takes to help out get through.

 

A good friend of mine is going through a similar situation. He found our his wife was cheating. He said he would be willing get to work on it except she wasn't sorry and wasn't honest. That canceled everything for him.

 

IMO there's no stronger reason to stay than for the kids.

[Midwestmissy]

18est, I've never heard anyone say theyd automatically stay and forgive an affair. We all said, no way, deal breaker. It is another ball game all together when infidelity hits you after 20+ yrs of finances, kids, experiences, dreams and lots and lots of love. For some, it's hard to walk away from all that, for others, it's impossible to get over. There are as many right answers as there are affairs. And we do sometimes move our line in the sand.

[BluesPower]

You know I stayed for the kids, but in hind sight I could have raised them myself and done just fine. She was never going to get custody in her condition, but I did not realize that at the time.

 

Love was/is not an issue for me, I loved her, I just did not want to be with her. If I was not so naïve at the time I would have divorced her.

 

I still wonder if I made the right decision, I don't know if we will make it past next week.

 

I guess you just do the best you can, at the time you do it.

[ladydesigner]

The other day I read a member state he stayed for the kids with improving the marriage as a goal. Others didn't like the idea of these. I thought about it, and concluded that in part we all stay for the kids to a degree.

 

Briefly, my wife had an affair, we divorced spent several years apart, decided to give it another go and we remarried a years ago Friday.

 

The major catalyst for achieving this was our mutual desire to give our kids what we both had, two parents in love working as a team to provide the most balanced healthy childhood possible.

 

I will be the first to admit and told my wife so in the beginning, that not for the kids this would have never happened, I would have never looked back.

 

In the early stages there were lots of internal battles as we struggled to find a groove, times when weighing my own personal happiness vs what I felt was best for the kids. Convincing myself that I could shallow the sh*t sandwich if it could lead to something greater.

 

There was never a question about love, I have one loved this woman deeply since I was 17 years old (approaching 30 years...that makes me feel old). And the BS from me she put up with after the divorce left no questions about her love for me.

 

Still, it was, well tough.

 

I can say NOW I'm happy with my decision to do it "for the kids". We have found an amazing level of communication, which has lead to intimacy unlike we've never known. I finally feel like I can share everything thing with her and learning more everyday how to be a safe place for her to unload her emotions.

 

For the kids??? What better reason is there? What greater motivation can there be?

 

I can't do it for the kids anymore! :-(

[DKT3]

I think the kids can keep you there, open the doors to the possibility, however if it's unhealthy or damaging (even potentially) then it becomes about protecting the kids from a toxic environment.

 

Also there is a different between staying for the kids and having the kids be the reason you stayed. Confused? Well, I stayed or in my case came back, because of the kids. But I wanted to have a relationship with their mom. This required that even as the " wronged party" I had to take a look at my behavior and modify them accordingly. It's a hard thing to do, those that can successfully accomplish this has a great opportunity to build it stronger then before.

 

While i don't believe that a BS can "DO" anything to actually cause an affair, I believe that I could have made it a much more difficult barrier for her to cross.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I think the kids can keep you there, open the doors to the possibility, however if it's unhealthy or damaging (even potentially) then it becomes about protecting the kids from a toxic environment.

 

Also there is a different between staying for the kids and having the kids be the reason you stayed. Confused?

 

I'm not confused. If not for the kids I would've walked. No doubt. However, I didn't stay for the kids.

 

Let me unpack that for you. Because of the kids (and their ages at the time) I felt like I owed it to them to attempt reconciliation. If I were to divorce I wanted to be able to say to my kids that I tried my very best to make it work. That and my WW was doing everything she could for R.

 

It was my kids that made it possible for me to endure the dark times.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not confused. If not for the kids I would've walked. No doubt. However, I didn't stay for the kids.

 

Let me unpack that for you. Because of the kids (and their ages at the time) I felt like I owed it to them to attempt reconciliation. If I were to divorce I wanted to be able to say to my kids that I tried my very best to make it work. That and my WW was doing everything she could for R.

 

It was my kids that made it possible for me to endure the dark times.

 

Feel the exact same way!

[understand50]

Having kids is part of the glue that holds a couple together. It cannot be the only reason, but it can be the, as Betrayed&Stayed states, the "hold" that keep the option of reconciliation open, or get it started. For other marital issues, the reason to at least "try" to work things out is for the kids. Leaving a spouse is tough, it is really tough to leave your kids and give up on the family. Sometimes this is not enough, or the safety of the kids themselves come into play, and you have to divorce. In this case, you need to fashion a new relationship of cooperation, for the kids.

 

My two cents......

[stillafool]

It's funny but when I read 'I'm going to stay in this broken marriage for the kids" what I hear is "I still love my wife/husband and don't want to leave them so I use the kids as an excuse to stay."

[aileD]

When we get married and decide to have children, we do so with the thought and the promise that they will grow up in a family, secure and stable and loved. iMO children do not ask to me brought into the world, thus it is our responsibility to honor the promises we made to them when we decided to give them life. To love them, to keep them secure and stable. I feel that when I became a mother, I gave up my right to do selfish things that would alter my children's lives.

 

I once read an article that did a study on children and divorce. The short story is that if your marriage is just ok, maybe not the best but you aren't fighting and there's no abuse, your kids would rather be on that home then be divorced. They don't need you to have the most amazing relationship. They just need you both to love them and keep them secure and be daily in their lives.

 

That why in my opinion, one should do everything possible to salvage their marriage before taking an action that will alter their kids' lives forever. Kids are not always resilient. We just tell ourselves just to take the guilt off us for being selfish. My opinion is you brought those kids into the world and promised them that you'd be there for them and give them a good home. As long as there is no abuse or other destructive behsvior, you stay and make it work.

 

I'm sure mine won't be the most popular opinion but that's how I feel.

[basil67]

18est, I've never heard anyone say theyd automatically stay and forgive an affair. We all said, no way, deal breaker.

 

I would want to stay and work through it. So I can be your "one"

[oldshirt]

I think it depends on what is going on that is making you consider divorce.

 

Let's face, family and marriage etc isn't always fun or enjoyable. Sometimes it downright sucks and it would be funner living in a hippy commune in VW van and smoking weed and engaging in free love all the time.

 

But then we wake up and have bills to pay and it's time to get the kids off to school on time.

 

If both people have a priority of having a stable, supportive home for the kids and they are willing to sacrifice some fun and freedom and are willing to work together to try to make each other's lives livable and have basic needs met, then sure, staying for the kids is the right option and it's probably what most people that have been married 10-15+ years are doing.

 

But on the other hand, if someone is abusive, cheating, addicted, has totally checked out or is just downright nasty or completely neglectful of the other person's needs, then kids should not be end-all-be-all defining factor.

 

People use the term toxic environment so lets define that for a moment. A toxic environment is one where you are worse off being in the home and in the marriage than if you were on your own without the other.

 

Staying in a toxic environment is harmful to everyone and staying "for the children" is just prolonging everyone's misery and doing more harm than good for everyone, including the children. It's also role modeling toxic behavior.

 

People who are being horribly mistreated but just put on their martyr hat and stay and endure it "for the children" are just using the kids as their excuse for not having the giblets to leave or change the environment.

 

That is putting an unfair burden and unfair blame on the kids while also role-modeling helplessness and weakness to them.

 

Kids are harmed by abuse, neglect, addiction, chronic hostility etc etc and they are harmed by living in a toxic environment. They are not harmed by divorce in and of it'self. They are harmed more by being in a toxic environment than by coming from one.

[DKT3]

I think it depends on what is going on that is making you consider divorce.

 

Let's face, family and marriage etc isn't always fun or enjoyable. Sometimes it downright sucks and it would be funner living in a hippy commune in VW van and smoking weed and engaging in free love all the time.

 

But then we wake up and have bills to pay and it's time to get the kids off to school on time.

 

If both people have a priority of having a stable, supportive home for the kids and they are willing to sacrifice some fun and freedom and are willing to work together to try to make each other's lives livable and have basic needs met, then sure, staying for the kids is the right option and it's probably what most people that have been married 10-15+ years are doing.

 

But on the other hand, if someone is abusive, cheating, addicted, has totally checked out or is just downright nasty or completely neglectful of the other person's needs, then kids should not be end-all-be-all defining factor.

 

People use the term toxic environment so lets define that for a moment. A toxic environment is one where you are worse off being in the home and in the marriage than if you were on your own without the other.

 

Staying in a toxic environment is harmful to everyone and staying "for the children" is just prolonging everyone's misery and doing more harm than good for everyone, including the children. It's also role modeling toxic behavior.

 

People who are being horribly mistreated but just put on their martyr hat and stay and endure it "for the children" are just using the kids as their excuse for not having the giblets to leave or change the environment.

 

That is putting an unfair burden and unfair blame on the kids while also role-modeling helplessness and weakness to them.

 

Kids are harmed by abuse, neglect, addiction, chronic hostility etc etc and they are harmed by living in a toxic environment. They are not harmed by divorce in and of it'self. They are harmed more by being in a toxic environment than by coming from one.

This is true, but I believe what we see more often, especially in cases of infidelity, is one parent labeling the relationship as toxic to justify thier own selfish desires. Attempting to mask it as "best for all" when the reality is its only best for them, and normally only in that moment.

 

Growing up I had a friend who's parents seperated two weeks after he left for college, his mom moved In with her boyfriend and his dad was remarried before the end of freshman year. He was totally clueless they were unhappy In the marriage that is an example of staying for the kids, but they made it work. Part of being a parent is not giving your kids more then you feel they can handle or placing your selfishness above thier needs.

[Midwestmissy]

On dday, my kids made me promise to try to make the marriage work and not divorce their dad. It was heartbreaking, and I immediately promised that I would. My mistake there was not separating immediately. I wish I had asked him to leave for a while, I was so miserable seeing him everyday, then I was miserable when he wasn't home because my heart was broken.

 

So initially I stayed for the kids, yes. But on dday you don't turn the 30 yrs of loving someone off. I loved him that morning, and I was still loving him when my world exploded. To be fair, I think it helped that no ILYs were exchanged, it was 5/6 month PA, and he wasn't torn about what he wanted or heartbroken about her. That's gotta be a whole other level of hell. It was my love that kept the family intact while he was having his affair, because frankly he was cruel and absent and picked fights non stop. And the family was loved and taken care of by me, albeit a very depressed, confused and often crying me.

 

I never wanted my marriage to end or to be told by a judge when I could see my kids - I've been with them everyday all day since they were born. So he was welcome to leave. Interestingly, one of things my wh hated about the mow was that she talked non stop about getting a bachelorette pad and leaving her 4 kids with their dad so she could party - she's 50. He thought she was a horribly detached selfish gross mother. Which was the pot calling the kettle black, and he was sleeping with her anyway. Yuck. We started MC and IC right away and have been working on our marriage ever since. Hardest thing I've ever done. But no question, without kids, I would have left so fast - we had moved so far from home so he wouldn't be apart from us and then started the affair right afterwards. I would have hopped a plane alone and gone back to my home to where my support was, something I legally couldn't do with minor children.

[aileD]

This is true, but I believe what we see more often, especially in cases of infidelity, is one parent labeling the relationship as toxic to justify thier own selfish desires. Attempting to mask it as "best for all" when the reality is its only best for them, and normally only in that moment.

 

Growing up I had a friend who's parents seperated two weeks after he left for college, his mom moved In with her boyfriend and his dad was remarried before the end of freshman year. He was totally clueless they were unhappy In the marriage that is an example of staying for the kids, but they made it work. Part of being a parent is not giving your kids more then you feel they can handle or placing your selfishness above thier needs.

 

I had a friend in HS who's parents did the same. They waited until their youngest graduated high school, they took a huge family vacation to Disney and then they divorced.

 

They may not have loved each other enough to stay married but they loved each other enough to do their job and keep their promise to raise their kids in a family home and good environment until they were adults.

 

The children were upset with the divorce but also grateful that they did not have their childhood years disrupted with pain and confusion and uncertainty.

[Shard]

My wife didn't have a physical affair but she did have an emotional affair with another man for almost a year. I considered reconciliation because of my kids but she is so far gone emotionally that I'm ready to call its quit. She had been served with separation papers and if something doesn't drastic happen by the new year, this separation will turn into a divorce.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm completely against staying for the kids. Both my husband and myself were raised in homes under those circumstances and it's hell and does nothing for the kids but screw them up for adulthood. I wish my mother had left my father and I've seen my MIL cry to us about how she had no place to go. Please. The truth is both my mother and MIL did not want to give up the comforts of being married and having to deal with the reality of getting divorced and chance in social status - basically the same reasons men today stay in marriages - "for the kids".

 

Now of course it's one thing if you love the other person and want to be with them - BUT if you would leave him or her if you did not have kids, then you are not doing anyone any favors - not yourself, not your spouse and certainly not your kids - what are you doing there? As I told my mother after my father died - "there are no rewards at the end for sticking it out in a sh*tty marriage."

 

For myself and my husband, we did not stay together for the kids. They have plenty of friends with divorced parents. It is not the big deal it once was. We stayed together because we are each other's best friend. That said, I did want to leave because I did not think we could ever fix the damage we had done to each other. It just seemed kinder to him to let him start over, I was such a mess, I told him repeatedly to go find someone better. But he said it was his choice and it was my obligation to try, and so I did. And it was a lot of work. But he was right. We're better together.

 

JMHO

[ladydesigner]

I'm completely against staying for the kids. Both my husband and myself were raised in homes under those circumstances and it's hell and does nothing for the kids but screw them up for adulthood. I wish my mother had left my father and I've seen my MIL cry to us about how she had no place to go. Please. The truth is both my mother and MIL did not want to give up the comforts of being married and having to deal with the reality of getting divorced and chance in social status - basically the same reasons men today stay in marriages - "for the kids".

 

Now of course it's one thing if you love the other person and want to be with them - BUT if you would leave him or her if you did not have kids, then you are not doing anyone any favors - not yourself, not your spouse and certainly not your kids - what are you doing there? As I told my mother after my father died - "there are no rewards at the end for sticking it out in a sh*tty marriage."

 

For myself and my husband, we did not stay together for the kids. They have plenty of friends with divorced parents. It is not the big deal it once was. We stayed together because we are each other's best friend. That said, I did want to leave because I did not think we could ever fix the damage we had done to each other. It just seemed kinder to him to let him start over, I was such a mess, I told him repeatedly to go find someone better. But he said it was his choice and it was my obligation to try, and so I did. And it was a lot of work. But he was right. We're better together.

 

JMHO

 

Yep both my H and I were from homes where parents stayed for the kids. I honestly think that played into my staying too long in my M.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yep both my H and I were from homes where parents stayed for the kids. I honestly think that played into my staying too long in my M.

 

When I read the question, I couldn't help but think of xmm who says he has to stay for the one child and that if he didn't have her, he would have left long ago. I think that is really depressing and I would never want someone to stay with me for our kids. Let me go find someone who wants to be with me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You know I stayed for the kids, but in hind sight I could have raised them myself and done just fine. She was never going to get custody in her condition, but I did not realize that at the time.

 

Love was/is not an issue for me, I loved her, I just did not want to be with her. If I was not so naïve at the time I would have divorced her.

 

I still wonder if I made the right decision, I don't know if we will make it past next week.

 

I guess you just do the best you can, at the time you do it.

 

What happened? I thought you were so happy. I am sorry to read this.

[ladydesigner]

You know I stayed for the kids, but in hind sight I could have raised them myself and done just fine. She was never going to get custody in her condition, but I did not realize that at the time.

 

Love was/is not an issue for me, I loved her, I just did not want to be with her. If I was not so naïve at the time I would have divorced her.

 

I still wonder if I made the right decision, I don't know if we will make it past next week.

 

I guess you just do the best you can, at the time you do it.

 

Oh man this has been me for the last 2-1/2 years. I have reached my boiling point finally I guess.

[drifter777]

My opinions are always intended for BH only.

 

I would never advise a man to stay with his WW for the kids - or any other reason for that matter. It's just too risky to commit to reconciling when the chances of "success" are so low. Even when he thinks that R is working there is a strong chance that the gravity of what she has done will come crashing down on him again only this time he isn't in a state of emotional shock. We see a lot of men on here who are able to stay together and do MC and IC and things seem to be going of except for the times they trigger and it all sucks again. Lots of posters assure him that it gets better over time and just keep at it.

 

Well, it doesn't always get better and many times gets worse. The initial remorse his WW showed fades into "can't you just get over it?" and "stop bringing up the past!" except he is still struggling. He begins to question whether staying for the kids was the right decision for anyone. When a BH comes back and starts posting about how they are making progress in R but he still feels like sh*t divorce is on the table by page 3 and is often final before the last page.

 

Men shouldn't try reconciliation and should never, never stay for the kids.