Reconciliation for the kids?

[ladydesigner]

this is how many of us feel. it's too scary and uncertain to be single in your 50s. however, you could live another 40+ years! that's a long time to just go through the motions of life. there are people in their 60s and 70s finding love again. I am 46, my kids are 9 and 12. i am dealing with such anxiety and conflict about where my life is heading. many people say, life is short...live it to the fullest, but during my most depressing days, i say "life is too damn long...can i endure another 40+ years like this?".

 

I was the one who cheated. the affair really woke me up. there is more out there than this...but no guarantees.

 

When does that part end I am just beginning this road of high anxiety!

[BluesPower]

Come on folks...

 

We make the decisions we make when we make them. As much a we want to we cannot undo the things that we have done and the decisions that we have made.

 

For me I stayed, I love my wife but it was hell, pure hell. I was ready to leave but she wanted another shot, she was sober and I felt like she deserved it, right or wrong, I am not sure.

 

So far, she is really doing a great job being a wife and showing me the she loves me as well. If this stops or she falls off the wagon, I am gone.

 

The things that I recognize are 1) I can be happy with out her if I need to. 2) I don't have to have a "great love" to be happy. In fact, I am fairly sure that I will not fall in love again if we divorce. 3) I have no doubt that I will find one or more women that I enjoy spending time with.

 

Everyone, especially the ladies, that are concerned with divorcing and not finding the love of their life are just borrowing worry. Like LD, after you take time to heal, their will be a bevy of guys that want to date you. So you really should not be concerned about that. That goes for everyone

that is fearful of the future, I just think we should not live our lives like that.

 

I also just don't think we should waste our lives in dead relationships because it is safe.

 

I think we should try to live life the fullest and not play prevent defense until we die.

[ladydesigner]

Come on folks...

 

We make the decisions we make when we make them. As much a we want to we cannot undo the things that we have done and the decisions that we have made.

 

For me I stayed, I love my wife but it was hell, pure hell. I was ready to leave but she wanted another shot, she was sober and I felt like she deserved it, right or wrong, I am not sure.

 

So far, she is really doing a great job being a wife and showing me the she loves me as well. If this stops or she falls off the wagon, I am gone.

 

The things that I recognize are 1) I can be happy with out her if I need to. 2) I don't have to have a "great love" to be happy. In fact, I am fairly sure that I will not fall in love again if we divorce. 3) I have no doubt that I will find one or more women that I enjoy spending time with.

 

Everyone, especially the ladies, that are concerned with divorcing and not finding the love of their life are just borrowing worry. Like LD, after you take time to heal, their will be a bevy of guys that want to date you. So you really should not be concerned about that. That goes for everyone

that is fearful of the future, I just think we should not live our lives like that.

 

I also just don't think we should waste our lives in dead relationships because it is safe.

 

I think we should try to live life the fullest and not play prevent defense until we die.

 

Great post Blues I can dig this!

[DKT3]

Come on folks...

 

We make the decisions we make when we make them. As much a we want to we cannot undo the things that we have done and the decisions that we have made.

 

For me I stayed, I love my wife but it was hell, pure hell. I was ready to leave but she wanted another shot, she was sober and I felt like she deserved it, right or wrong, I am not sure.

 

So far, she is really doing a great job being a wife and showing me the she loves me as well. If this stops or she falls off the wagon, I am gone.

 

The things that I recognize are 1) I can be happy with out her if I need to. 2) I don't have to have a "great love" to be happy. In fact, I am fairly sure that I will not fall in love again if we divorce. 3) I have no doubt that I will find one or more women that I enjoy spending time with.

 

Everyone, especially the ladies, that are concerned with divorcing and not finding the love of their life are just borrowing worry. Like LD, after you take time to heal, their will be a bevy of guys that want to date you. So you really should not be concerned about that. That goes for everyone

that is fearful of the future, I just think we should not live our lives like that.

 

I also just don't think we should waste our lives in dead relationships because it is safe.

 

I think we should try to live life the fullest and not play prevent defense until we die.

 

You make a good point(s). The problem is relationships don't really go bad, there is no expiration date, people ***k them up. Ending that relationship does nothing towards making you happier (in most cases). The problem is within, understanding how you contributed to a shi++y marriage. Once that issue is resolved then you can be happy, if you're willing to address it, in this relationship or the next.

 

My thinking is children should be enough motivation to push you in to self reflection mode, and out of finger pointing mode.

[drifter777]

Your age and your kids age can vary,

 

I am a late in life father.

 

Not really part of this thread - but part of the reason I still stay now (beyond kids) is that I am older now - and divorcing and trying to date in my early 50's and restart my life over now - seems ridiculous. I am looking at retirement in 12 years, some modest health issues likely cropping up, and remaining married seems - secure stable and safe. Outside of sex, and some deep honestly - my marriage works on a practical level.

 

Also I have already been a step father - I don't need to get into a third marriage and be a stepdad again - or even a step granddad. Alternatively finding a younger 42 year old for wild times also seems unlikely. So I stay.

 

I understand your reasoning and I agree it makes sense to stay as long as, like you say, things work on a practical level. I am pretty much doing the same thing. I'd like to see all of these young BHs that post here just divorce and move forward with their life. When they stay they really don't know what's in store for them and most will regret it.

[drifter777]

You make a good point(s). The problem is relationships don't really go bad, there is no expiration date, people ***k them up. Ending that relationship does nothing towards making you happier (in most cases). The problem is within, understanding how you contributed to a shi++y marriage. Once that issue is resolved then you can be happy, if you're willing to address it, in this relationship or the next.

 

My thinking is children should be enough motivation to push you in to self reflection mode, and out of finger pointing mode.

 

You and lots of others go to this place a lot. People in good marriages cheat all the time - does the marriage become bad because one of them cheats? And why confirm WS's excuse about marriage not being wonderful?

 

Staying in a relationship can slowly extinguish your passion for life. Ending a relationship can put a person on the road to happiness. When my wife cheated the "problem" was not within me - it was all on her. I really don't understand how you can say these things being a BH yourself.

[DKT3]

You and lots of others go to this place a lot. People in good marriages cheat all the time - does the marriage become bad because one of them cheats? And why confirm WS's excuse about marriage not being wonderful?

 

Staying in a relationship can slowly extinguish your passion for life. Ending a relationship can put a person on the road to happiness. When my wife cheated the "problem" was not within me - it was all on her. I really don't understand how you can say these things being a BH yourself.

 

I'm talking about responsible my wife's affair didn't cause her to have an affair. We hear so often a MW talk about what an amazing connection they have with another guy, but they were inappropriate before they realize that connection. I'm interested in why she felt it was ok to form and then follow through on this connection. There is Nothing I did or didn't do that forced her down that road. Yet, on the flipside, I did do something that made her feel unsafe or uncomfortable confiding in me as she had in the past. I have to accept responsibility for that.

[flowergirl14]

Come on folks...

 

We make the decisions we make when we make them. As much a we want to we cannot undo the things that we have done and the decisions that we have made.

 

For me I stayed, I love my wife but it was hell, pure hell. I was ready to leave but she wanted another shot, she was sober and I felt like she deserved it, right or wrong, I am not sure.

 

So far, she is really doing a great job being a wife and showing me the she loves me as well. If this stops or she falls off the wagon, I am gone.

 

The things that I recognize are 1) I can be happy with out her if I need to. 2) I don't have to have a "great love" to be happy. In fact, I am fairly sure that I will not fall in love again if we divorce. 3) I have no doubt that I will find one or more women that I enjoy spending time with.

 

Everyone, especially the ladies, that are concerned with divorcing and not finding the love of their life are just borrowing worry. Like LD, after you take time to heal, their will be a bevy of guys that want to date you. So you really should not be concerned about that. That goes for everyone

that is fearful of the future, I just think we should not live our lives like that.

 

I also just don't think we should waste our lives in dead relationships because it is safe.

 

I think we should try to live life the fullest and not play prevent defense until we die.

 

Thanks blues power.. It really is nice to here that I might still find someone if I divorce. Losing time with my kids..ouch! I am a worrier by nature...

1. Will the kids be sucessful or will they fall apart?

Would he turn the kids against me?

Would it be wirth it to lose time with my kids and possibly cause them problems?

2. Would I be able to financially make it on my own ?

3. Would I find like or love again? And would I want to expose my kids to step parents. ( been through that growing up)

And yet...by staying with my h who is a cheater. I know

1. He will probably always cheat and lie.

2. I may never get to experience a trusting partner again

3. I may never get to experience a partner who really wouldnt want to cheat on me. ( maybe they dont exist?

4. My kids will always sense some level of frusteration, sadness and anger in me because of a cheating *******.

5. I may never get to respect a romantic partner again.

[Noirek]

Off topic on the people cheat in good marriages. I would say my marriage was good. At least it wasn't terrible and it had a good solid foundation. But there were problems. And at the time I refused to use those problems as an excuse to cheat. And I was right. They weren't. However, I also wasn't being fully honest with myself or my spouse with how serious those problems were. My cheating was and is all on me, my issues and problems and my husband in no way deserved it. But as a couple, we can no longer rewrite our marriage to "perfect" before because it wasn't. And I think that is what DK3 has done. He knows his wife chose the very wrong and hurtful way to deal with her issues and their issues. So many better ways. But he also has done the classic rewritting history we often see. It's a hard concept for linear, black and white thinkers and I get that. And it also doesn't apply to victims of seriel cheaters, narcissists or so forth. And there are always exceptions.

 

By the way my husband in no way takes responsibility for my affair. He thinks it was gross and wrong and horrid of me.

[Noirek]

The other key to staying for the kids is it takes Two. sometimes one person making a good effort can help the other person. But not always. And those that tried but their spouse failed to step up should be proud of themselves for trying and not regret it. Hindsight is 20/20 and you never know how it would have turned out.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks blues power.. It really is nice to here that I might still find someone if I divorce. Losing time with my kids..ouch! I am a worrier by nature...

1. Will the kids be sucessful or will they fall apart?

Would he turn the kids against me?

Would it be wirth it to lose time with my kids and possibly cause them problems?

2. Would I be able to financially make it on my own ?

3. Would I find like or love again? And would I want to expose my kids to step parents. ( been through that growing up)

And yet...by staying with my h who is a cheater. I know

1. He will probably always cheat and lie.

2. I may never get to experience a trusting partner again

3. I may never get to experience a partner who really wouldnt want to cheat on me. ( maybe they dont exist?

4. My kids will always sense some level of frusteration, sadness and anger in me because of a cheating *******.

5. I may never get to respect a romantic partner again.

 

All of what you expressed were BIG fears that kept me stuck in my dead M. I am now seeking measures to get out. Just keep focusing on YOU and those kids! (((flowergirl)))

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

By the way my husband in no way takes responsibility for my affair. He thinks it was gross and wrong and horrid of me.

 

This is pretty common here. I read that all the time. I guess I am lucky. My H takes responsibility for his part in my affair and I am aware of my role in his. I am aware this is a very unpopular viewpoint as no one wants to think they contributed to this happening in their life.

 

I don't see how the marriage can be healed and grow unless the affair is looked at objectively as a symptom of the broken marriage and not a random terrible thing one spouse did.

 

I readily admit most people are not capable of this and then they probably should not stay together. Otherwise it will be years of hell. And no one should stay with a serial cheater, sociopath, etc. I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about when the affair was a cry for help.

[purplesorrow]

This is pretty common here. I read that all the time. I guess I am lucky. My H takes responsibility for his part in my affair and I am aware of my role in his. I am aware this is a very unpopular viewpoint as no one wants to think they contributed to this happening in their life.

 

I don't see how the marriage can be healed and grow unless the affair is looked at objectively as a symptom of the broken marriage and not a random terrible thing one spouse did.

 

I readily admit most people are not capable of this and then they probably should not stay together. Otherwise it will be years of hell. And no one should stay with a serial cheater, sociopath, etc. I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about when the affair was a cry for help.

 

Had my ex's affair been a symptom of a broken marriage, I guess marriage counseling and working on the marriage would have fixed everything. He had the issues. The affair was a terrible act by him alone. He recognized it as such and has been in IC for almost 4 years now. I will never accept responsibility for something that was hidden from me and I had no choice.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Had my ex's affair been a symptom of a broken marriage, I guess marriage counseling and working on the marriage would have fixed everything. He had the issues. The affair was a terrible act by him alone. He recognized it as such and has been in IC for almost 4 years now. I will never accept responsibility for something that was hidden from me and I had no choice.

 

I didn't mean responsibility for the affair itself, just understanding what went wrong in the marriage and how each spouse contributed to its decline. Obviously we all have the choice to go down that road or not, that is ours alone and we have to bear that burden for our choices, as it sounds like your ex bears his. I don't know your story purple but I hope you find happiness. I am working on finding mine.

[DKT3]

Had my ex's affair been a symptom of a broken marriage, I guess marriage counseling and working on the marriage would have fixed everything. He had the issues. The affair was a terrible act by him alone. He recognized it as such and has been in IC for almost 4 years now. I will never accept responsibility for something that was hidden from me and I had no choice.

 

It's a bad sign that one is looking to blame behavior on another....however, in some cases a spouse can have a role in ones affair. Calls to memory were a post pushed and pushed for his wife to engage sexually with another man, eventually she gave in, found the sex enjoyable and formed a connection with the other man to the point they would exclude the husband, this turned into a full blown affair.....he parted a small part because to a degree he placed OM P in his wife's V. However, the lying and deception was still there and still 100% on her.

 

No one can make or cause you to have an affair, it's a choice that you make all on your own, denying this isn't holding yourself accountable.

[DKT3]

I didn't mean responsibility for the affair itself, just understanding what went wrong in the marriage and how each spouse contributed to its decline. Obviously we all have the choice to go down that road or not, that is ours alone and we have to bear that burden for our choices, as it sounds like your ex bears his. I don't know your story purple but I hope you find happiness. I am working on finding mine.

 

This is a contradiction, your husband, unless he ok'd it played no role in your affair, but then again if he ok'd it, it wouldn't be an affair. I believe even in an open relationship you can be guilty of an affair if there is lying and deception.

[purplesorrow]

I didn't mean responsibility for the affair itself, just understanding what went wrong in the marriage and how each spouse contributed to its decline. Obviously we all have the choice to go down that road or not, that is ours alone and we have to bear that burden for our choices, as it sounds like your ex bears his. I don't know your story purple but I hope you find happiness. I am working on finding mine.

 

There isn't always a problem in the marriage. Some people cheat because of their own issues.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is a contradiction, your husband, unless he ok'd it played no role in your affair, but then again if he ok'd it, it wouldn't be an affair. I believe even in an open relationship you can be guilty of an affair if there is lying and deception.

 

Well, I did not want to hijack the thread with my own unusual situation. I definitely had an affair, even under my own odd circumstances, and my husband was very hurt by it, as I was hurt by his. We each know we were wrong and believe me, I've paid in massive pain and suffering for the decisions I made. H suffered too. It's been a difficult year.

 

I just meant that our marriage is completely different now because we see how we neglected it for years. We each see the role we played in the decline of it. Whether a spouse can forgive the choices the WS made because of its decline, that is a different topic.

[Lion Heart]

I think the kids can keep you there, open the doors to the possibility, however if it's unhealthy or damaging (even potentially) then it becomes about protecting the kids from a toxic environment.

 

Also there is a different between staying for the kids and having the kids be the reason you stayed. Confused? Well, I stayed or in my case came back, because of the kids. But I wanted to have a relationship with their mom. This required that even as the " wronged party" I had to take a look at my behavior and modify them accordingly. It's a hard thing to do, those that can successfully accomplish this has a great opportunity to build it stronger then before.

 

While i don't believe that a BS can "DO" anything to actually cause an affair, I believe that I could have made it a much more difficult barrier for her to cross.

 

DKT3 could you expand upon this for us please? ie the last paragraph.

Thankyou

Lion Heart

[aileD]

DKT3 could you expand upon this for us please? ie the last paragraph.

Thankyou

Lion Heart

 

I can a little. While having an affair was completely 100% the decision of my husband, I can say that I did neglect him. I put the kids first. I worked the overnight shift for years. For many years he would come to me and tell me he was lonely and missed sleeping next to me and could I please find a day shift job. And at the time I didn't see that as a plea for our marriage. I saw it as he was trying to kill my career.

 

I admit that I just assumed we would be together forever. That someday when things died down, THEN we could work on reconnecting. But we were just to busy to right now.

 

My H affair wasn't about sex. It was about attention and he wasn't getting it st home. So when a desperate young thing with daddy issues at his job started treating him like the perfect man and gods gift to the world, he drowned in her attention.

 

That doesn't mean he didn't do wrong in our relationship before then...and it doesn't mean that it's my fault he chose to have an affair rather than divorce me or work harder to get me to open my eyes.

 

But I own my part in fostering the environment that allowed him to see an affair as a viable option.

[Lion Heart]

Come on folks...

 

We make the decisions we make when we make them. As much a we want to we cannot undo the things that we have done and the decisions that we have made.

 

For me I stayed, I love my wife but it was hell, pure hell. I was ready to leave but she wanted another shot, she was sober and I felt like she deserved it, right or wrong, I am not sure.

 

So far, she is really doing a great job being a wife and showing me the she loves me as well. If this stops or she falls off the wagon, I am gone.

 

The things that I recognize are 1) I can be happy with out her if I need to. 2) I don't have to have a "great love" to be happy. In fact, I am fairly sure that I will not fall in love again if we divorce. 3) I have no doubt that I will find one or more women that I enjoy spending time with.

 

Everyone, especially the ladies, that are concerned with divorcing and not finding the love of their life are just borrowing worry. Like LD, after you take time to heal, their will be a bevy of guys that want to date you. So you really should not be concerned about that. That goes for everyone

that is fearful of the future, I just think we should not live our lives like that.

 

I also just don't think we should waste our lives in dead relationships because it is safe.

 

I think we should try to live life the fullest and not play prevent defense until we die.

 

Fear paralyzes us. Fear keeps us if we let it.

 

I love your expression "borrowing worry" lol. So true.

 

Not only does society feed us shyte that unless we're exceedingly beautiful and rich, we have no chance "out there" on the dating scene but our spouses have by their As to some degree. ExWH didn't leave that stone unturned lol, he repeatedly screamed at me after my D Day "WHO would have YOU!!! A pathetic single mother of three children???"

 

I believe the last dot of love I had for him left with those words.

 

ExWH couldn't have been more wrong. I didn't even LOOK for my next partner. We found each other anyway.

 

If I hadn't ditched that crazy WH then I would never have experienced the most incredible loving relationship I've ever had. At 51yo. My new relationship has taken me all over America, Canada, parts of Europe, England, Asia and back home again. Soon to experience our 2nd white Christmas together. A Fairy Tale.

 

To think I was caged in a completely disrespectful and horrid M to a serial cheater. Trapped between 4 walls with no freedom but worst of all, no real love. Simply slavery.

 

I KNEW I deserved far better. But in the end I would've done ANYTHING to exit that M.

When you know you're done. It's just gotta happen. So I MADE it happen. I went through utter hell IN the M and a separate hell in separation.

 

AND IT'S BEEN SO WORTH IT. I deserve peace at least lol.

My children wanted WF out from the get go. They were grief stricken to find out WHO their father really is. Now they take him to task. THEY draw the line and now I know they'll come out of this better human beings because of this experience. In spite of it maybe. :-) With a magnificent role model too. And another loving family. And the rest!

 

Don't ever doubt that there are THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MEN (and women lol) out there looking for a sincere, loving and faithful spouse. Set up your Shark Cage to filter out the "sharks". Relax. Enjoy yourself.

 

I never thought I'd be so happy.

 

So whilst exWH is having TERRIBLE trouble getting a gf. Keeping one more than 2 weeks is driving him crazy lol.

Maybe they find out he's a serial cheat? Lol IDK and I simply don't care.

He actually wanted to come back! "Heal our relationship". No way. 17y was 17y way too long.

 

He's SHOCKED and horrified that I'm blissfully in love.

Nearly choked when I told him I turned down a different M proposal. I already had a bf.

 

I guess living a great life IS the best karma. Thankyou LS for that perspective.

 

Lion Heart

[DKT3]

I can a little. While having an affair was completely 100% the decision of my husband, I can say that I did neglect him. I put the kids first. I worked the overnight shift for years. For many years he would come to me and tell me he was lonely and missed sleeping next to me and could I please find a day shift job. And at the time I didn't see that as a plea for our marriage. I saw it as he was trying to kill my career.

 

I admit that I just assumed we would be together forever. That someday when things died down, THEN we could work on reconnecting. But we were just to busy to right now.

 

My H affair wasn't about sex. It was about attention and he wasn't getting it st home. So when a desperate young thing with daddy issues at his job started treating him like the perfect man and gods gift to the world, he drowned in her attention.

 

That doesn't mean he didn't do wrong in our relationship before then...and it doesn't mean that it's my fault he chose to have an affair rather than divorce me or work harder to get me to open my eyes.

 

But I own my part in fostering the environment that allowed him to see an affair as a viable option.

 

Almost the very same here.

 

Out of college she put her career on hold as she supported me in my dream of playing in the NFL, I wasn't quite good enough so it meant bouncing around from city to city trying to catch on with a team. Then I entered a career that was loaded with travel roughly 9-10 months a year away from home. She begged and pleaded with me to find something with less travel.

 

Also, I made a lot of unilateral decisions, with the thinking it's easier to as forgiveness then permission. I've said it here alot but I actually brought a house without her knowing, surprise. Told myself I wanted to shock her with joy, the truth is we disagreed about certain things in the home and I went a got one that was more along the lines of what I wanted.

 

Ha-ha, I was cocky and arrogant, i thought I could do no wrong. Now I never did anything to intentionally hurt her, my actions still resulted in that.

 

Then the kids came, she begged and pleaded more, told me she felt like a single mom, wanted me more involved. I felt she did a great job and left running our day to day family life uninterrupted, even though she often asked for my help and input.

 

Finally I put alot of pressure on her, in ways it took me years to understand. It didn't seem or feel like it. I thought it was compliments. Example, I would say in conversations that my wife would never do that, or she could have easily handled this. She is beautiful without trying and has an amazing body. This did two things to her, 1) forces her to attempt to live up to this unbelievable standard I had in my mind 2) made her feel I didn't appreciate or acknowledge the effort.

 

It's hard to reflect on what you did wrong when you truly felt like what you did was in everyone's beat interest.

 

Looking back at what a jackazz I was made me realize just how amazing she truly was and is.

Edited November 19, 2016 by DKT3

[JustJoe]

Personally speaking, I don't believe in reconciliation. What I believe is happening is that both the BS and WS have decided to settle for a less than great marriage, and are using the kids as an excuse to do so. It just shows you how adaptable people are. If you really try, you can teach yourself to enjoy **** sandwiches.

[DKT3]

Personally speaking, I don't believe in reconciliation. What I believe is happening is that both the BS and WS have decided to settle for a less than great marriage, and are using the kids as an excuse to do so. It just shows you how adaptable people are. If you really try, you can teach yourself to enjoy **** sandwiches.

 

Well if we are settling for less, I'll take it....salt and pepper please

[Whoknew30]

I didn't do it for my kid (had the 2nd after reconciling) & im glad I didn't. I feel that was why we ended up married in the first place, so young, bc I became pregnant. I loved him but I used to wonder what would have happened to us as a couple if I hadn't had a baby. So I felt we couldn't base our being together on the kids. Kids don't make a relationship or a marriage IMO, so reconciling based on just us, as a couple was the best thing in our situation. Then again I hadn't seen my daughter all tore up bc she saw both of us everyday & even if we had chosen to divorce, she still would have. So maybe bc we could put our differences aside when it came to her & she wasn't a mess, it was easier to not base our decision around her. Though, 3 months after reconciling is when I found out I was 5 months pregnant..& I felt relived bc if I had known I was pregnant before reconciliation, it would have taken a toll. I want us to be together bc we love each other not bc we share kids. Kids will leave one day & if that's the only glue keeping a marriage together, what happens when they leave? I suppose that is many college kids get the call their parents are divorcing, kids gone & the couples realize that's why they were still married...I didn't want to end up like that while middle aged.