Reconciliation for the kids?

[aileD]

Well if we are settling for less, I'll take it....salt and pepper please

 

Ditto

 

Tennnnnn

[BluesPower]

LH I am so happy for you...

 

I hate to be so cynical but I just think that if it does go south for our marriage, that I could never fall in love again.

 

I can enjoy being with a woman, not just sexually, and spending time with them and not be is love with them.

 

For me, Love has just cost me too much in my life. It is all hindsight now, but the pain and suffering that my wife and marriage has cost me so many years of my life. If I had ever realize what was really going on with her drug addiction I would have divorced her years ago.

 

In fact I met a sweet little thing this past Thursday that was just so sweet and into me. And no I did not do anything, but I could have.

 

What is funny for me is that my wife is doing such a good job being a wife and taking care of me that I was hardly even temped. Which is a good thing I think over all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Personally speaking, I don't believe in reconciliation. What I believe is happening is that both the BS and WS have decided to settle for a less than great marriage, and are using the kids as an excuse to do so. It just shows you how adaptable people are. If you really try, you can teach yourself to enjoy **** sandwiches.

 

DKG3 and AileD wrote good posts. They really own their parts. But are you saying this though because you married your AP? Obviously if she had worked it out at home, you would not be married to her.

 

I could say the same thing about xmm, that no way should he be going through round 2 of bullsh*t MC for another year, but I am obviously not impartial as I got used and hate him. So my input would be slanted.

 

Do you really believe this? Are you still married to her?

[DKT3]

I didn't do it for my kid (had the 2nd after reconciling) & im glad I didn't. I feel that was why we ended up married in the first place, so young, bc I became pregnant. I loved him but I used to wonder what would have happened to us as a couple if I hadn't had a baby. So I felt we couldn't base our being together on the kids. Kids don't make a relationship or a marriage IMO, so reconciling based on just us, as a couple was the best thing in our situation. Then again I hadn't seen my daughter all tore up bc she saw both of us everyday & even if we had chosen to divorce, she still would have. So maybe bc we could put our differences aside when it came to her & she wasn't a mess, it was easier to not base our decision around her. Though, 3 months after reconciling is when I found out I was 5 months pregnant..& I felt relived bc if I had known I was pregnant before reconciliation, it would have taken a toll. I want us to be together bc we love each other not bc we share kids. Kids will leave one day & if that's the only glue keeping a marriage together, what happens when they leave? I suppose that is many college kids get the call their parents are divorcing, kids gone & the couples realize that's why they were still married...I didn't want to end up like that while middle aged.

As I said earlier in the thread, there is a difference between starting the process for the kids and staying married for the kids. Although I had resigned myself to either fate once we started.

 

If I were here only for the kids it would look alot different.

[dichotomy]

There isn't always a problem in the marriage. Some people cheat because of their own issues.

 

Yep, 100% on my wife....Although she "blames" other influences and losses in her life for making her this way - it was never because of me

 

Same can be said about her dive in sexual interest and passion. Although that its a more complex issue then even her cheating.

 

So much of my work in reconciliation was trying"fix" her and trying to find ways for me to cope and change to be able to live with that. I put in a G-Damn about of years, money and work, to lift my wife up in many areas. Because of all this work , and somethings she has gotten better in - its harder for me to walk away - this is on on top of the main reasons I listed associated with the kids. I got 99 reasons to stay now but passion aint one of them.

[dichotomy]

Personally speaking, I don't believe in reconciliation. What I believe is happening is that both the BS and WS have decided to settle for a less than great marriage, and are using the kids as an excuse to do so. It just shows you how adaptable people are. If you really try, you can teach yourself to enjoy **** sandwiches.

 

 

It funny you say this .... I used to use a similar analogy with my therapist ....but it was a steak with side order of $h!t .

 

All that comes with the marriage and family - kids, home, holidays, vacation, money, stability... was the steak. My wife's affair/past/lies was the steaming bowl of $h!t .

 

The waiter just kept telling me that I had the other choice of a plain sandwich without the side of $h!t - but if I really wanted the steak I had to take the bowl of $h!t .

Edited November 19, 2016 by dichotomy

[Noirek]

-on the topic jump- Affairs don't happen in good marriages. Because good marriages take two. And obviously at least one person isn't investing. One person might think their marriage is good and just not realize it isn't. And I think those people get hit the hardest. They are happy and obvlivios. But good spouses do get cheated on. Sometimes, we are just blind or downplay the faults of those we love. You see this all the time with spouses and children.

[ladydesigner]

-on the topic jump- Affairs don't happen in good marriages. Because good marriages take two. And obviously at least one person isn't investing. One person might think their marriage is good and just not realize it isn't. And I think those people get hit the hardest. They are happy and obvlivios. But good spouses do get cheated on. Sometimes, we are just blind or downplay the faults of those we love. You see this all the time with spouses and children.

 

Yep I stopped investing after False R but my STBXWH wasn't investing either although he claims he is *biggest eyeroll ever*!

[Noirek]

Yep I stopped investing after False R but my STBXWH wasn't investing either although he claims he is *biggest eyeroll ever*!

 

Yeah, that is the funny thing about saying you are investing... doesn't mean you are if no actions are behind those words.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I could never walk out that door on my kids. Never. Ever.

 

Now, there was a time where I could have easily shoved HER out that door, and that's almost what happened.

 

But I'm not spending a single night under a different roof than my kids if there is any way I can prevent it.

 

So I gave her a second chance to prove she was worth our time and effort. And she was. And is.

 

So many of my kid's friends are from broken homes, and all you people who think they aren't affected by it are delusional. Those kids come over here, and you can just See in their faces that they are jealous that my kids have both a mom and dad at home.

 

I spend a LOT of time with young boys who only see their own dads part time, or have to deal with a revolving door of mom's boyfriends. It's heartbreaking.

 

Nope. I decided to give reconciliation a shot first, and I'm glad I did.

[Striver]

Reconciliation was a choice I was never given. My ex simply left me for another man, someone she knew before we ever met. So some of the experiences others have had, the hell of resentful feelings about a cheating spouse, I never directly got to experience that. I was put on the divorce fast track I guess.

 

Would I have tried to reconcile? Honestly, probably. It was important to me to give the marriage my best shot. Not important to my ex wife, obviously. She didn't try at all once she lost interest.

 

Beyond just the dedication to the marriage, once you leave you have to live the rest of your life. Assuming you still want to have relationships, you have to date and find another partner. Unless there's someone from your past that's available, you have to find someone new. All of the women I find have their own kids. I don't particularly want to be a step dad, I have enough of my own. More kids, fathered by some other guy that I don't really know, that doesn't add value to me. I'll never have the innocence again, the belief that someone can't leave me. I'm not having any more children, so the stakes will be lower, but why would I want the stakes to be lower? Why would I want something that's just about the sex.

 

So despite the fact that I did the best in the marriage that I could, due to a lying partner that didn't try, I'm in divorceville like so many others. I don't know that the bond is going to be any easier to make with someone new, it will likely be harder. I'm suspicious of women who have been in too many relationships, from talking to them I can tell they can't bond. Sorry if that sounds sexist, but it's what I feel.

 

So leaving isn't going to necessarily result in that perfect new partner. It may well not. In my case I was never given a choice. Good luck with your choices.

[JustJoe]

DKG3 and AileD wrote good posts. They really own their parts. But are you saying this though because you married your AP? Obviously if she had worked it out at home, you would not be married to her.

 

I could say the same thing about xmm, that no way should he be going through round 2 of bullsh*t MC for another year, but I am obviously not impartial as I got used and hate him. So my input would be slanted.

 

Do you really believe this? Are you still married to her?

Our marriage is better now than it was the first day, and I'm pretty sure that it will be even better tomorrow and the days after that.. My perspective about reconciliation is from my own experience with my mother's adultery and it's aftermath.

[JustJoe]

It funny you say this .... I used to use a similar analogy with my therapist ....but it was a steak with side order of $h!t .

 

All that comes with the marriage and family - kids, home, holidays, vacation, money, stability... was the steak. My wife's affair/past/lies was the steaming bowl of $h!t .

 

The waiter just kept telling me that I had the other choice of a plain sandwich without the side of $h!t - but if I really wanted the steak I had to take the bowl of $h!t .

Exactly what I said. You are settling for less than the whole thing. But you act as if you understand it so be my guest.

[JustJoe]

I could never walk out that door on my kids. Never. Ever.

 

Now, there was a time where I could have easily shoved HER out that door, and that's almost what happened.

 

But I'm not spending a single night under a different roof than my kids if there is any way I can prevent it.

 

So I gave her a second chance to prove she was worth our time and effort. And she was. And is.

 

So many of my kid's friends are from broken homes, and all you people who think they aren't affected by it are delusional. Those kids come over here, and you can just See in their faces that they are jealous that my kids have both a mom and dad at home.

 

I spend a LOT of time with young boys who only see their own dads part time, or have to deal with a revolving door of mom's boyfriends. It's heartbreaking.

 

Nope. I decided to give reconciliation a shot first, and I'm glad I did.

Sorry, but as a former school teacher, and a child in an adulterous marriage, I have seen as many disturbed kids coming from bad marriages as from broken homes, and have experienced it first hand. There is, quite simply, NO correlation between marriage and good parenting. Many single parents do a wonderful job, and many divorced couples, as well.

[road]

Recovering a marriage for the kids is a great reason for staying.

 

 

However stating with the status quo pre affair is not the same as recovering from an affair.

[wmacbride]

It depends on the situation.

 

Someone who is in a crappy relationship where even the kids have to walk on eggshells is not doing them any favors by maintaining the status quo after an A.

 

The same is true if a parent is so bogged down by the A that they can't move forward.

 

Spouses who stay together after an A and put in the work and effort needed to move past the A and on to a better place in the marriage is a very different situation. It can even be a teaching point, that a relationship that is worth having is worth working on,.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Sorry, but as a former school teacher, and a child in an adulterous marriage, I have seen as many disturbed kids coming from bad marriages as from broken homes, and have experienced it first hand. There is, quite simply, NO correlation between marriage and good parenting. Many single parents do a wonderful job, and many divorced couples, as well.

 

 

We don't disagree. I was raised by a single mother, after infidelity destroyed their marriage, and my mom did a great job. And of course there are also really bad marriages out there, that screw kids up royally. I didn't mean to imply that simply being married is a recipe for success. I am only addressing this popular notion that divorce doesn't mess with kids heads, because it does. Even when divorce was the RIGHT thing to do for the kids.

 

 

Now personally, I was always jealous of the kids whose parents were still together, and I see that all the time in the faces of my kid's friends.

 

If we were in a bad marriage, with lots of yelling and fighting and no love, I can see that rubbing off on the kids. But we aren't.

[Noirek]

We don't disagree. I was raised by a single mother, after infidelity destroyed their marriage, and my mom did a great job. And of course there are also really bad marriages out there, that screw kids up royally. I didn't mean to imply that simply being married is a recipe for success. I am only addressing this popular notion that divorce doesn't mess with kids heads, because it does. Even when divorce was the RIGHT thing to do for the kids.

 

 

Now personally, I was always jealous of the kids whose parents were still together, and I see that all the time in the faces of my kid's friends.

 

If we were in a bad marriage, with lots of yelling and fighting and no love, I can see that rubbing off on the kids. But we aren't.

 

Exactly, it is the statements of "kids are resiliant" "adaptable" ect that are often projections of a parent justifying their own selfish choice not to reinvest. For those that divorce because the marriage can not be saved it is because it is the lesser of two evils and they usually know how hard both paths are.

[BluesPower]

I have always wondered in my situation if the kids would have been better if I had divorced her and taken them with me? Or, if it was better for them to see me struggling to love and take care of my wife even though we all new that "Something" was not right?

 

I have no idea, and while I have really great kids that are mature, for the most part, and very successful and happy, I have no way to gauge if I made the right decision or not.

 

I just did the best I could with what I have to deal with...

[DKT3]

I have always wondered in my situation if the kids would have been better if I had divorced her and taken them with me? Or, if it was better for them to see me struggling to love and take care of my wife even though we all new that "Something" was not right?

 

I have no idea, and while I have really great kids that are mature, for the most part, and very successful and happy, I have no way to gauge if I made the right decision or not.

 

I just did the best I could with what I have to deal with...

 

You have taught your kids the meaning of commitment.

 

Not every marriage can be of in some cases even should be saved, but far too often the commitment is treated with disrespect.

 

I recall meeting a man in one of my support groups years ago who's wife gave him a list of reasons she was asking for a divorce 20 something reasons that included stuff like him having cat allergies so she could never own a cat, which she had never had one prior. That he didn't throw her a huge blowout for her 40th birthday. Interestingly enough she left off because she had another boyfriend for the past 9 years of thier 20 marriage who was found out and thrown out by his wife.

 

It's always a good thing to teach kids to honor commitment.

[ladydesigner]

I am for one glad I am not staying for the kids. It's time for them to see mom happy again! It was hell staying in the M for the kids absolute limbo. Good luck to anyone sacrificing their happiness. I am not about to waste a second longer doing it!

[ladydesigner]

Exactly, it is the statements of "kids are resiliant" "adaptable" ect that are often projections of a parent justifying their own selfish choice not to reinvest. For those that divorce because the marriage can not be saved it is because it is the lesser of two evils and they usually know how hard both paths are.

 

Or maybe the spouse has a personality disorder! Not a situation to stay in! Period!

[Noirek]

Or maybe the spouse has a personality disorder! Not a situation to stay in! Period!

 

Generally speaking if a personality disorder warrents divorce is because it is borderline abusive situation. Or outright. And thats already covered.

[aileD]

Regardless of whether or not there's a personality disorder involved....abuse, cheating, any reason really....doesn't change the fact that kids really aren't that resilient. Not saying to stay in this bad situations, just saying the kids are going to be affected majorly either way.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Depends how old the kids are too... kids once they get to a point (12, 13) they want to do their own thing anyway and could care less if you are there or not.

 

That's my experience