Reconciliation for the kids?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Depends how old the kids are too... kids once they get to a point (12, 13) they want to do their own thing anyway and could care less if you are there or not.

 

That's my experience

 

If this was your experience, than I am very sorry. That sounds awful. My boys are 12 and 13 and I feel like I am more of an active part of their lives than ever before.

 

We're now at that perfect point where I am slowing down, they are getting stronger, and we can take part in the same activities at almost the same pace. The driveway basketball games are actually getting competitive now that my 13 year old is so tall!

 

I can't imagine missing out on this phase. It's my favorite one so far.

[MuddyFootprints]

Depends how old the kids are too... kids once they get to a point (12, 13) they want to do their own thing anyway and could care less if you are there or not.

 

That's my experience

 

I used to think that way, too. It is so not true.

[DKT3]

I think what we fail to realize is that it's not just about the kids in that moment, but our actions are shaping thier future in terms of love and relationships.

 

It's not a coincidence that people who get involved in affairs and infidelity more often then not saw it growing up. 60% more likely to cheat if the parents cheated.

[Southern Sun]

If *other* circumstances are right (the WS desires to reconcile, the affair is over, the WS is not a disordered pathological liar, etc.), the kids can be a huge factor in the decision to TRY.

 

I do not believe they have to be the deciding factor in the decision to STAY.

 

I believe DKT made essentially that point.

 

If the circumstances are generally in favor of the marriage, I find that anything keeping the marriage together, including children, is a good thing. It gives it a chance to recover. Children are one of the ties that bind.

 

However after that initial period, the relationship itself must be enough to sustain. Yes, there are all kinds of factors that make a marriage difficult to end (family, finances, image, children, etc.). But NONE of those should be a reason for a marriage to remain in place. It would be disingenuous to the parties involved, in this day and age.

[drifter777]

If the circumstances are generally in favor of the marriage, I find that anything keeping the marriage together, including children, is a good thing. It gives it a chance to recover. Children are one of the ties that bind.

 

However after that initial period, the relationship itself must be enough to sustain. Yes, there are all kinds of factors that make a marriage difficult to end (family, finances, image, children, etc.). But NONE of those should be a reason for a marriage to remain in place. It would be disingenuous to the parties involved, in this day and age.

 

Yes, I agree that kids give both WW & BH a reason to consider R. The problem can be when BH makes the initial decision to give it another try he becomes increasingly bound to those kids as time goes by & it gets harder and harder to break away. In those cases where he has lost all respect, trust, and real love for his WW - staying for the kids does nobody any good. Divorce may be a traumatic event for the kids but guess what? Everyone has a horror story from their childhood and makes it to a somewhat well-adjusted adulthood just fine. Life is difficult and very messy and no one escapes childhood without scars.

Edited November 22, 2016 by drifter777

[aileD]

I used to think that way, too. It is so not true.

 

 

Not true at all they are just better at hiding their pain and it comes out in other ways--usually self destructive to themselves

[Midlifecrisis1]

I think what we fail to realize is that it's not just about the kids in that moment, but our actions are shaping thier future in terms of love and relationships.

 

It's not a coincidence that people who get involved in affairs and infidelity more often then not saw it growing up. 60% more likely to cheat if the parents cheated.

 

I knew my mom had a long term affair with my best friends dad while we were adolescents. I always thought it was horrible and I would never do that. My dad didn't find out and she didn't suffer any consequences. I think subconsciously I learned that you can cheat and still stay married without consequences. And that's exactly what I did. What we see our parents doing is so influential in shaping who we become.

[ladydesigner]

I knew my mom had a long term affair with my best friends dad while we were adolescents. I always thought it was horrible and I would never do that. My dad didn't find out and she didn't suffer any consequences. I think subconsciously I learned that you can cheat and still stay married without consequences. And that's exactly what I did. What we see our parents doing is so influential in shaping who we become.

 

I saw it growing up too, hence my own A's

[DKT3]

I knew my mom had a long term affair with my best friends dad while we were adolescents. I always thought it was horrible and I would never do that. My dad didn't find out and she didn't suffer any consequences. I think subconsciously I learned that you can cheat and still stay married without consequences. And that's exactly what I did. What we see our parents doing is so influential in shaping who we become.

 

I always laugh when I hear or read a wayward spouse say they are careful and no one knows. One of the best comebacks I've heard about that is, unless you can teleport and land on OM penis then someone you know knows. Unfortunately, too often it's the kids that stumble across infidelity. What a horrible situation to place a kid in.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through having that information.

[drifter777]

I saw it growing up too, hence my own A's

My father was a vicious alcoholic. He heaped unending verbal and physical abuse on me, my mother & my sister. I've never drank in the home & I am very loving and affectionate with my children. I still kiss my boys on the cheek every time I see them. The sins of my father have not caused me to imitate his behavior - why do you think it has had a dramatic affect on you?

[ladydesigner]

My father was a vicious alcoholic. He heaped unending verbal and physical abuse on me, my mother & my sister. I've never drank in the home & I am very loving and affectionate with my children. I still kiss my boys on the cheek every time I see them. The sins of my father have not caused me to imitate his behavior - why do you think it has had a dramatic affect on you?

 

I think a combination of really bad coping skills and knowing my mom went and had an A when she was unhappy I gave myself the green light since mom did it. It is really twisted thinking! I am heading back into therapy again as my coping skills are still bad and I don't want to continue down a path where I cheat every time I am miserable.

[road]

I am for one glad I am not staying for the kids. It's time for them to see mom happy again! It was hell staying in the M for the kids absolute limbo. Good luck to anyone sacrificing their happiness. I am not about to waste a second longer doing it!

 

Staying for ............ is not mandatory, not required, not even good or bad.

What it is for is motivation to recover the marriage and it has worked out great many times.

 

 

People confuse staying together for the kids, the WS ends the affair, and no divorce the same as recovering the marriage. They're not.