Reconciliation for the kids?

[MidnightBlue1980]

My opinions are always intended for BH only.

 

I would never advise a man to stay with his WW for the kids - or any other reason for that matter. It's just too risky to commit to reconciling when the chances of "success" are so low. Even when he thinks that R is working there is a strong chance that the gravity of what she has done will come crashing down on him again only this time he isn't in a state of emotional shock. We see a lot of men on here who are able to stay together and do MC and IC and things seem to be going of except for the times they trigger and it all sucks again. Lots of posters assure him that it gets better over time and just keep at it.

 

Well, it doesn't always get better and many times gets worse. The initial remorse his WW showed fades into "can't you just get over it?" and "stop bringing up the past!" except he is still struggling. He begins to question whether staying for the kids was the right decision for anyone. When a BH comes back and starts posting about how they are making progress in R but he still feels like sh*t divorce is on the table by page 3 and is often final before the last page.

 

Men shouldn't try reconciliation and should never, never stay for the kids.

 

But you stayed. Right? I read some of your posts on the sexual health board. Are you sorry you stayed and trying to warn others?

[MuddyFootprints]

Kids are pretty damn good motivation to get your **** together as a couple.

 

They shouldn't be the excuse, though.

[DKT3]

Kids are pretty damn good motivation to get your **** together as a couple.

 

They shouldn't be the excuse, though.

 

What do you mean by excuse?

[MidnightBlue1980]

What do you mean by excuse?

 

I think it was meant to be "reason". Cultural difference in language.

[Joie]

Of course the kids played a role in my decision to reconcile. Our family bond is not just my husband and I but also our ties to our children. Divorce would mean destroying my family. My husband and I weren't happy with each other. I owed it to my family to see if we could be happy again. Turns out it was pretty easy to find happiness in our marriage and family when we both were trying.

[MuddyFootprints]

What do you mean by excuse?

 

Your excuse for staying in a marriage. I can't get behind the 'I stayed 'til they were 18' martyrdom.

[Joie]

. It was my love that kept the family intact while he was having his affair, because frankly he was cruel and absent and picked fights non stop. And the family was loved and taken care of by me, albeit a very depressed, confused and often crying me.

 

This is one of the things that I think BS's don't get enough credit for. You always hear OW talk about what a great dad their MM is....um NO! There is a BS at home holding everything together while the MM is just taking credit.

[MuddyFootprints]

Your excuse for staying in a marriage. I can't get behind the 'I stayed 'til they were 18' martyrdom.

 

*General your.

[LastAcorn99]

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it is very encouraging! What a testament to the fact that something beautiful can arise from the ashes when we choose to love and forgive. Sending prayers to your family. God bless!

[DKT3]

Your excuse for staying in a marriage. I can't get behind the 'I stayed 'til they were 18' martyrdom.

 

At one point I felt like we would be resigned to this very fate. Once I made the commitment to try again it meant no turning back, I don't think I would have had the heart to split my family again.

[Noirek]

I asked my husband if he would have divorced me sans children and he said no. He firmly believed that the descision was to be made on "would I stay married to this woman if she and I were childless." His answer was yes and so, we reconciled.

 

Once upon a time I didn't agree with staying for kids. Definitely not the until they are out of the house thing. I still don't agree with the last one. I've seen the last one destroy too many adult lives. Your children are your children forever. But since I have got to witness a divorce by a close family member with children involved I have watched the complete heartbreak of a child and ignorant lies of adult's "kids are resilient" speech. No, they are not. They are easily damaged and messed up and FOO people. They try to be brave for their parenrs and the die on the inside. And this is with "great co-parents" and a "clean divorce" (no court cases or anything so they pat themselves on the backs). The thing is it has opened my eyes to how blind and selfish us adults are and how easily we split families apart and treat divorce like it is the new normal. Uprooting children, splitting affections, confusing the crap out of kids.

 

If both parents can get even a little honest with themselves and stop pointing fingers long enough to take responsibility for their own actions and actually keep their family together, forever, then i think that is the best thing for the kids. Sadly, that doesn't happen very often anymore.

 

And of course none of this applies to remaining in abuse. When in an abusive relationship one must leave. That is not safe for the kids.

[MuddyFootprints]

At one point I felt like we would be resigned to this very fate. Once I made the commitment to try again it meant no turning back, I don't think I would have had the heart to split my family again.

 

Both oars in, rowing in the same direction.

[DKT3]

I left and divorced because I was going to a dark place, my anger towards my wife was bubbling up to a high boil. Now I would never ever come close to being abusive, but I was losing respect, and finding it increasingly difficult to remain respectful in my interactions with her. I didn't want to set that example for my children.

 

In my mind, once the anger was gone I think I could have enjoyed my wife enough to stay strictly for my kids without being in love. Luckily we were able to bake the whole pie, and as long as we keep this level of communication we will check out together.

[MJJean]

For the kids??? What better reason is there? What greater motivation can there be?

 

For the kid was why I got married. For the kids is why I stayed as long as I did. And for the kids was one of the reasons why I left.

 

I always thought two parents in the home was best. Then I lived what I believed and realized that it greatly depends on the parents and their relationship to each other.

 

My exH and I were setting a piss poor example of an adult romantic relationship for the kids. I was miserable. I'm pretty sure he wasn't any happier. There was no love, no affection, no warmth between us. At best, we could be frienemies.

 

Not only did I not want that for my life, but I came to realize that my kids were going to grow up thinking that was normal. The last thing I wanted was for my kids to become adults and have the kind of marriage that was being modeled for them.

 

If two people can love each other and have a healthy marriage, sure, stay together for the kids. If not, separate for the kids. Let them grow up seeing healthy single people or healthy romantic relationships.

[dichotomy]

If not for kids - I would have left. I have both the dual hits of my wife's affair, lies, and then her cutting back significantly on sex with me. This last issue (low sex) remains long after her last contact with OM MM - and it actually makes it difficult for me to forgive and move on over her affair.

 

Staying for the kids vs the kids staying for me.

 

I want to be with my kids as much as possible, I want to be there for them - and I want them to be there for ME. I need them around for me as much as they need me around for them. I need them running to the door every night - screaming "daddy!" and leaping into my arms. I need to hear their laughter and tears every day or night I am home.

 

I can very easily explain what have happened if I left.

 

1) Would have lost the home and everyone (kids, wife, me) moved from a nice home , great town and schools to a not so good town - probably into basic apartments. Loss of friends, education, positive life style.

 

2) Loss of money to support my kids activities, interests, health, education, travel etc.

 

3) My wife might (at the time) returned to seeing OM MM and other douche bags she had been sleeping with before me. Or likely restarted her poor choices in men and sex lifestyle - exposing my kids to those douche bags an mommy going through a parade of mommy male "friends"

 

4) Arguments over visitation - schooling - raising our kids. Kids subject to seeing their Mom and Dad angry and fighting and making claims about each other.

 

5) Subjecting my kids to seeing my dating - wondering if every gal I saw would be their new mommy, trying to get women I date to understand or interact with my kids.

 

6) Me simply not seeing my kids all the time - but only on certain nights - or weekends. Me lonely to hug them, tuck them in each night, run to their room if they have a nightmare or are sick.

 

7) Me having full partnership decisions over how to raise them - some of that would be lost with a wife who would likely get residential custody and not want to compromise with me anymore on issues with the kids and how to raise them.

 

 

I could make the argument I suppose that my wife's affair was not that bad - I wont go into all the details here - but there is some arguments to be made either way. Also she did basically go N.C. afterwards, although she had little remorse. I could also make the argument that after years of work - she is a better wife and mom and partner now - except for sex. So there have been some benefits to staying and working on it. We also generally get along well enough that my kids don't see anything unusual or bad from their two parent home.

Edited November 17, 2016 by dichotomy

[afoolto no end]

Staying for the family is a good enough reason if you are willing to work on the marriage .....It is always best for everyone, we all say kids are alright but I know so many adult children damaged by it all the affairs, the separations the divorces, the broken families......they all survive but they are damaged on one level. this is also true for marriages that aren't good and the kids have to live through that.

you think they don't know but they know.........

It takes a lot of work to get over all the things in a marriage that don't work but it is worth the work to hold a family together.......to have a good marriage to show the children what it is to respect a marriage a family.......They will know what it really took and how much work their parents did to make it work......

I do think in a situation where there has been an affair and it just goes back to a bad marriage, that is a bad thing for the kids.........

If you aren't willing to make it all work don't try

[DKT3]

Staying for the family is a good enough reason if you are willing to work on the marriage .....It is always best for everyone, we all say kids are alright but I know so many adult children damaged by it all the affairs, the separations the divorces, the broken families......they all survive but they are damaged on one level. this is also true for marriages that aren't good and the kids have to live through that.

you think they don't know but they know.........

It takes a lot of work to get over all the things in a marriage that don't work but it is worth the work to hold a family together.......to have a good marriage to show the children what it is to respect a marriage a family.......They will know what it really took and how much work their parents did to make it work......

I do think in a situation where there has been an affair and it just goes back to a bad marriage, that is a bad thing for the kids.........

If you aren't willing to make it all work don't try

 

This is true, and we see plenty of example here of people claiming to have R yet the attitude remains the same, still blaming still being shady still making excuses. No way can the good outweigh the bad for kids in those situations.

[seren]

I have two very good friends who have 2 boys, aged 9 and 13. They always seemed happy, laughing, doing family stuff, they saw themselves as a team and said so. Their sons are lovely, polite boys. The female friend used to confide in me that she and her husband were like best friends and that the sparkle had gone out of the marriage. yet he bought her flowers, took her for lovely meals, spoiled her with breakfast in bed, ran her scented baths etc etc. On the surface, all good, could be better when together, but they were a family you imagined together for the long haul.

 

I was told by her that she had 3 affairs, she said 2 were for sex, being made to feel desirable and laugh's. The 3rd affair she was caught by her husband in bed, he had looked after the children and her friend's children while she had a 'girls night out'. When she didn't come home he was worried and walked in on her. They tried to make it work, but he couldn't forgive her, nor could he get the mind movies out of his head and so they separated.

 

Within a few months she had a boyfriend living in her home with the boys, the husband had a relationship with a childhood friend and within 12 months had divorced and remarried. it all felt wrong, but it isn't. They regularly go out on day trips as a family, she with her boyfriend's son and the 2 boys and the ex and his wife. They have meals at each other's homes, the boys have adjusted far better than you might think and they are an example of how it can work if a marriage is over.

 

It wouldn't work for me, nor would I think of introducing a new person for at least a couple of years, but they are proof that a marriage that was broken can be better and fixed as a relationship where they love each other, just not in love. They have put their children's welfare, happiness first, the 4 of them go to parent evenings, they see themselves as a team. They are happier and the children seem happier than when they were married. I don't think I would stay for the children, children pick up on tension between their parents and the rest of your life is a long time to be unhappy. As long as it is done properly then some times separating is the best way.

[Superchicken]

Depending on how old you are when you make the decision to "Do it for the kids", is to me the defining point.

If your young, say under 35, well maybe. But older, I don't see the logic in sacrificing your last few years on this earth in obtaining some happiness just to "Stay in it for the kids".

You can still be there for the kids, and re start a new life, where this time, you wont need to analyse everything your spouse says or does.

Once a mirror cracks, you will never see the same old images again.

So, to me, I wouldn't be able to remove the endless video stream in my head of my spouse and another in action...

But everyone has a mind and process of their own.

If it works for you, then don't let anything or anyone change those processes.

 

 

Ted.

[dichotomy]

Depending on how old you are when you make the decision to "Do it for the kids", is to me the defining point.

If your young, say under 35, well maybe. But older, I don't see the logic in sacrificing your last few years on this earth in obtaining some happiness just to "Stay in it for the kids".

You can still be there for the kids, and re start a new life, where this time, you wont need to analyse everything your spouse says or does.

 

Ted.

 

 

Your age and your kids age can vary,

 

I am a late in life father.

 

Not really part of this thread - but part of the reason I still stay now (beyond kids) is that I am older now - and divorcing and trying to date in my early 50's and restart my life over now - seems ridiculous. I am looking at retirement in 12 years, some modest health issues likely cropping up, and remaining married seems - secure stable and safe. Outside of sex, and some deep honestly - my marriage works on a practical level.

 

Also I have already been a step father - I don't need to get into a third marriage and be a stepdad again - or even a step granddad. Alternatively finding a younger 42 year old for wild times also seems unlikely. So I stay.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Your age and your kids age can vary,

 

I am a late in life father.

 

Not really part of this thread - but part of the reason I still stay now (beyond kids) is that I am older now - and divorcing and trying to date in my early 50's and restart my life over now - seems ridiculous. I am looking at retirement in 12 years, some modest health issues likely cropping up, and remaining married seems - secure stable and safe. Outside of sex, and some deep honestly - my marriage works on a practical level.

 

Also I have already been a step father - I don't need to get into a third marriage and be a stepdad again - or even a step granddad. Alternatively finding a younger 42 year old for wild times also seems unlikely. So I stay.

 

No offense meant but 50 is not old. You could live for 40 more years. Is this how you want to spend it? What would you tell someone else telling you this?

[ladydesigner]

No offense meant but 50 is not old. You could live for 40 more years. Is this how you want to spend it? What would you tell someone else telling you this?

 

Yep this exact question is what kept plaguing me and I have decided that I want more for the rest of my years!

[DKT3]

Your age and your kids age can vary,

 

I am a late in life father.

 

Not really part of this thread - but part of the reason I still stay now (beyond kids) is that I am older now - and divorcing and trying to date in my early 50's and restart my life over now - seems ridiculous. I am looking at retirement in 12 years, some modest health issues likely cropping up, and remaining married seems - secure stable and safe. Outside of sex, and some deep honestly - my marriage works on a practical level.

 

Also I have already been a step father - I don't need to get into a third marriage and be a stepdad again - or even a step granddad. Alternatively finding a younger 42 year old for wild times also seems unlikely. So I stay.

 

So your paralyzed by fear of the unknown? I assure you, many, many women would be more then happy to entertain the idea of you. I get the stepdad thing, always seemed like....well just too much for me, never something I've been interested in.

[DKT3]

I have two very good friends who have 2 boys, aged 9 and 13. They always seemed happy, laughing, doing family stuff, they saw themselves as a team and said so. Their sons are lovely, polite boys. The female friend used to confide in me that she and her husband were like best friends and that the sparkle had gone out of the marriage. yet he bought her flowers, took her for lovely meals, spoiled her with breakfast in bed, ran her scented baths etc etc. On the surface, all good, could be better when together, but they were a family you imagined together for the long haul.

 

I was told by her that she had 3 affairs, she said 2 were for sex, being made to feel desirable and laugh's. The 3rd affair she was caught by her husband in bed, he had looked after the children and her friend's children while she had a 'girls night out'. When she didn't come home he was worried and walked in on her. They tried to make it work, but he couldn't forgive her, nor could he get the mind movies out of his head and so they separated.

 

Within a few months she had a boyfriend living in her home with the boys, the husband had a relationship with a childhood friend and within 12 months had divorced and remarried. it all felt wrong, but it isn't. They regularly go out on day trips as a family, she with her boyfriend's son and the 2 boys and the ex and his wife. They have meals at each other's homes, the boys have adjusted far better than you might think and they are an example of how it can work if a marriage is over.

 

It wouldn't work for me, nor would I think of introducing a new person for at least a couple of years, but they are proof that a marriage that was broken can be better and fixed as a relationship where they love each other, just not in love. They have put their children's welfare, happiness first, the 4 of them go to parent evenings, they see themselves as a team. They are happier and the children seem happier than when they were married. I don't think I would stay for the children, children pick up on tension between their parents and the rest of your life is a long time to be unhappy. As long as it is done properly then some times separating is the best way.

 

I think this is a fundamental flaw that so many make, thinking that because a kid seems well adjusted and happy it means they are. Kids are good at hiding feelings simply because they don't know how to deal with them.

 

My son was 5-7 During my wife's affair and the divorce , for roughly 10 years he seemed fine, happy well adjusted. Now? Now at 17 (almost) he is angry, mistreats girls (shows a general lack of respect), and is full of venom towards his mother. He has pieced together a story that isn't entirely factual, but how do you convince someone that thier perception of reality isn't real? So he is angry, angry because he feels she robbed him of his childhood (his words exactly). Thankfully we are beginning to see some let up, he does seem to be starting to handle it better.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Your age and your kids age can vary,

 

I am a late in life father.

 

Not really part of this thread - but part of the reason I still stay now (beyond kids) is that I am older now - and divorcing and trying to date in my early 50's and restart my life over now - seems ridiculous. I am looking at retirement in 12 years, some modest health issues likely cropping up, and remaining married seems - secure stable and safe. Outside of sex, and some deep honestly - my marriage works on a practical level.

 

Also I have already been a step father - I don't need to get into a third marriage and be a stepdad again - or even a step granddad. Alternatively finding a younger 42 year old for wild times also seems unlikely. So I stay.

 

this is how many of us feel. it's too scary and uncertain to be single in your 50s. however, you could live another 40+ years! that's a long time to just go through the motions of life. there are people in their 60s and 70s finding love again. I am 46, my kids are 9 and 12. i am dealing with such anxiety and conflict about where my life is heading. many people say, life is short...live it to the fullest, but during my most depressing days, i say "life is too damn long...can i endure another 40+ years like this?".

 

I was the one who cheated. the affair really woke me up. there is more out there than this...but no guarantees.