Who is actively in affair, who is trying to end it

[AutumnMoon]

I read posts often. I realized I only really log in and respond or post when I've been thinking lots about my own situation. Maybe more so when feeling guilty about it, or the opposite, extra mushy.

 

I'm curious if you post more during down times or when you feel like that. Have you ended it, or tried.. Do you want to? Are you happy with where things are, or do you want more?

[Grapesofwrath]

I am very happily out of the A, which I ended without a D-Day. It was painful to do, but completely worth it.

 

I do question why I continue to visit this forum so frequently. The only answer I can come up with is that this forum helped me so much in understanding that my A wasn't special and in giving me a place to be accountable for my actions. (Ironic, I know, that I would be accountable to a bunch of anonymous strangers, but that's how I felt.) So I am here to try to give that same thing to others who are still struggling.

[Chica80]

I think I post and read whenever I feel the need to enforce what I am feeling at the time...

 

"He's an @$$ who is just using me and doesn't care about me I don't mean anything" LS is GREAT for reinforcing that belief... for anger for self depreciation.

 

I tried to end it last night.....that lasted about an hr....

[Imajerk17]

I've read your other threads OP. You are doing about the worst possible thing you could do to your husband, the one man you pledged to love and honor for life. If the pain you are causing your family isn't enough, then I don't know what to tell you. I do hope you get discovered and your husband divorces you though, so he can find someone who won't live a double life on him.

 

I do wonder if this is a healthy environment to post. Too many WW here seem to think of themselves as "victims" of MM, putting too much weight on their pain and not enough on the pain they are causing others. In reality it is the opposite--they are using others for their own gain--and they deserve all the suffering they are experiencing. I think that "we're victims!" viewpoint gets reinforced too much on here.

 

There is no "Try" there is only "Do".

Edited November 16, 2016 by Imajerk17

[ladydesigner]

I am. It has only been a month but I am ending it to focus on my D from my WH.

[Poppy47]

I am very happily out of the A, which I ended without a D-Day. It was painful to do, but completely worth it.

 

I do question why I continue to visit this forum so frequently. The only answer I can come up with is that this forum helped me so much in understanding that my A wasn't special and in giving me a place to be accountable for my actions. (Ironic, I know, that I would be accountable to a bunch of anonymous strangers, but that's how I felt.) So I am here to try to give that same thing to others who are still struggling.

 

Grapes,

I the board will often give me insight into aspects of the affair that I didn't have before. That in itself is interesting.

It will also remind me of how difficult NC can be at the beginning I never want to go back there.

Poppy.

[Jemima1234]

This forum appears to be my new obsession!!! I read posts all the time - but don't always post! I tend to use it to inspire me to be strong and get out this mess! And to get input from others who have been there!!

 

Where am I now?! Well I am trying to move on. Struggling. But not NC I admit!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I read posts often. I realized I only really log in and respond or post when I've been thinking lots about my own situation. Maybe more so when feeling guilty about it, or the opposite, extra mushy.

 

I'm curious if you post more during down times or when you feel like that. Have you ended it, or tried.. Do you want to? Are you happy with where things are, or do you want more?

 

I'm here daily. It's sort of my AA, an online diary. My husband saw it and does not think it is a healthy place and does not like me writing on the internet. He may be right but it has helped me. The other day I went back and read some of my old posts. It made me see that unless I change, nothing will change. I don't post my own threads much, I got a lot of attacks from people, so I prefer to post here and there on other's threads.

 

I feel like I know some of the people so I like to see how they are doing. I'm rooting for them. Most people though, they are here once and gone, probably back in the A. I don't post much on those threads.

 

I've posted over a thousand times so I assume everyone knows my A is over and after this month, I'll never see him again. This place has made me realize that basically, I was a fool, he didn't love me and there was never anything in it for me but pain. But I am alright, I'm one of the lucky ones. My marriage is better, everything is different in my world. Not everyone is so lucky.

 

Good and bad, I'm a radically different person now than I was in 2014. The innocence is lost but I see clearly now.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I finally ended the A 3 or so moths ago, and been almost NC ever since. Had a few bad nights when I texted him, and he reached out several times trying to re-establish communication. Panicked each time when texting started, as I couldn't imagine myself going back to soul-destroying roller coaster A is.

 

I don't post on my thread much, if at all lately. I did in the beginning in the spring of this year, which was the time I finally started to walk away from the whole thing. That thread was some sort of outlet in my darkest hours, when NC was unbearable, and in many instances posting here saved me from reaching out to him.

 

I still read here almost daily. Don't post much mostly due to the fact that I try to keep myself occupied with different activities and things to do, just rebuilding and living my life you know...so I don't get swamped with still painful thoughts about him, the A, and what I did.

 

Still, coming here and reading helps a lot as it continuously re-enforces the notion of taking my life back, and loving myself more. Sometimes, reading here makes me sad or overwhelmed and that's when I'd be away for a week or so. Still, I feel that LS and support I got here was one of the key factors in clearing the A fog, enduring the NC, and moving on. I'm really, really thankful for that!

[Forever broken]

I ended the affair 14 months ago. I had my parents and friends to rely on for support, but unfortunately people get tired of listening to the same thing over and over unless they are being paid lol. They think after 14 months, I should move on but I truly loved him. He had no money, no house or fancy car, 20 years older but I loved him, unfortunately he didn't love me.

 

I come on this wonderful site because it is a great support for me. Am so glad I found it. I hope am able to provide support to others too.

[Tayla]

Imajerk is solid in the advisal.

 

At some point a light will come on. May it be sooner, then later.

 

I often think ...How healthy is it to coddle the wayward ...and its not.

Yet its equally important to allow someone to accept their part.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I ended the affair 14 months ago. I had my parents and friends to rely on for support, but unfortunately people get tired of listening to the same thing over and over unless they are being paid lol. They think after 14 months, I should move on but I truly loved him. He had no money, no house or fancy car, 20 years older but I loved him, unfortunately he didn't love me.

 

I come on this wonderful site because it is a great support for me. Am so glad I found it. I hope am able to provide support to others too.

 

14 months is a long time. I agree though, no one wants to hear it. I've told several guys and they all are puzzled at why I could love someone who treated me poorly. I have no answer.

 

Have you been in NC though?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I ended the affair 14 months ago. I had my parents and friends to rely on for support, but unfortunately people get tired of listening to the same thing over and over unless they are being paid lol. They think after 14 months, I should move on but I truly loved him. He had no money, no house or fancy car, 20 years older but I loved him, unfortunately he didn't love me.

 

I come on this wonderful site because it is a great support for me. Am so glad I found it. I hope am able to provide support to others too.

 

Nevermind, I looked you up and remember. You may have read my posts, I am the proponent for not running but 14 months hun, this is not working out for you. You are working with both MM and his BS? That is very unhealthy. No wonder you are stuck. What is your plan? You need a plan.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Nevermind, I looked you up and remember. You may have read my posts, I am the proponent for not running but 14 months hun, this is not working out for you. You are working with both MM and his BS? That is very unhealthy. No wonder you are stuck. What is your plan? You need a plan.

 

 

We all need a plan, MB. Some of us do make it, and some of us don't. Either way, "suck it up and drive on" sums it up, plan wise.

[sunrise_sunset]

I just began posting after months of lurking -- came here because no one in my life knows about this situation. I am actively still in mine and have just begun the process trying to end it. The advice I've already received, combined with many posters' strategies, have been helpful ALREADY, and I'm so early into the exit, it's not even funny! So stay here, live here if you have to...every time I've wanted to pick up my phone and text MM, I have logged onto here instead.

 

MidnightBlue -- along with getting yourself into a healthy place, you are helping others with your thoughts/advice/stories, trust me on this!

[Forever broken]

Nevermind, I looked you up and remember. You may have read my posts, I am the proponent for not running but 14 months hun, this is not working out for you. You are working with both MM and his BS? That is very unhealthy. No wonder you are stuck. What is your plan? You need a plan.

 

MB, I have had strict no contact with him for 14 months. He and I are like strangers. I have bumped into his spouse about three times already and it has been smooth but uncomfortable.

 

My only huge problem is deleting him from my heart. I have tried so much but is not an easy task. I wish I could turn him off like he did to me.

[l8estnews]

This forum appears to be my new obsession!!! I read posts all the time - but don't always post! I tend to use it to inspire me to be strong and get out this mess! And to get input from others who have been there!!

 

Where am I now?! Well I am trying to move on. Struggling. But not NC I admit!

 

Me too! It's not's even funny. My friends and co-workers are telling me to stay away from this site as it's dragging me further from having a relationship. I have this huge belief that all people are cheaters and liars.

 

But honestly, I am learning a lot from this site. I am learning the "checklists" to look for a cheater, what to do to make a relationship healthy, and also where to find the strength to forgive.

 

I am really not sure why I am here, since I don't have a problem of my own. But thinking about it, I think I am trying to find my faith in humanity back. I wanted to know if it's really still possible for me to find what I desperately looking for. I just don't know why I believe LS will be able to give me this....

[Jadenlaughs]

Im new here (as my recent first post indicates) but have been reading for months now. I know I need to end this. Each time I tried, he counters with just enough words to make me second guess my actions. Our history and the memories make me fall for it every time.

 

If I was on the outside of my situation and was asked what I thought, Id say this needs to end, that I cant see any good in it any longer.

 

Right now its his weekend where he lives- today is his "friday" and as such he cant communicate. His next work day is Sunday. This has been my situation for months now. He writes or not all week and then I wait out the weekend hoping he writes on Sunday. He may or he may not. Every day I wake up and wonder if hes in my email. When hes not its a head crash and I wonder why not. When he is its like xmas and I respond of course. Its a very stupid cycle, I know.

 

I also know I can block him right now and it would be done. Healing could start. Then I think I'll never hear from him again and that thought also sucks. It shouldnt- I should know by now the whole thing sucks and wont get any better.

[Cali408]

You just need to cut it out completely. It's removing cancer but you don't have the morphine as a painkiller.

 

I don't come on often much, actually took a long time away from here. For the first month, it's good, but then you wallow in the glory/misery of it. Being on here gives you the opportunity to heal and you're not alone, but the problem is it's a constant reminder of what you did.

 

It can be counterproductive.

 

So as someone who completely succeeded in ending mine.

 

No contact, no social media, no peeking. Block, change your phone number and quit instagram, Facebook, anything that will keep you away. Stay off the internet your phone and live life. Be completely unplugged on weekends. Get BUSY

 

Workout, go for a walk, love yourself. Treat yourself right.

 

Most importantly the stress of the affair is shortening your life. It's not healthy for your heart both physically and spiritually.

[freengreen]

 

I don't come on often much, actually took a long time away from here. For the first month, it's good, but then you wallow in the glory/misery of it. Being on here gives you the opportunity to heal and you're not alone, but the problem is it's a constant reminder of what you did

 

So true about LS.

Edited November 17, 2016 by freengreen

[kiyoma]

I really want to feel bad that I am betraying my wife and how much devastation I would cause her if she finds out but when I come and read here....

 

4.5 years of rampant sex with an OM and no intention to end it and pity affection for H. Really?

 

Makes me think given a chance my wife would do the same to me.

 

So, thank you thread starter clearing that little pang of guilt from my mind.

[ladydesigner]

I really want to feel bad that I am betraying my wife and how much devastation I would cause her if she finds out but when I come and read here....

 

4.5 years of rampant sex with an OM and no intention to end it and pity affection for H. Really?

 

Makes me think given a chance my wife would do the same to me.

 

So, thank you thread starter clearing that little pang of guilt from my mind.

 

Too bad you already beat her to the punch!

[AutumnMoon]

Funny that people always want to point out the people that are 'worse' than them.

Those who live in glass houses... You know what they say. My husband is away three weeks at a time home for a week and then gone again like that for the majority of the year. I could come up with 1 million excuses I guess but I don't need to I already know what I'm doing is wrong, it would hurt a lot of people if found out. My situation is my own and I do not believe I am a worse person than the majority out there.

This is one facet of my life where I took a very twisted turn, i've been pretty much on the straighten arrow and every other aspect. If I did not feel guilty at times I wouldnt read here obviously I do, I am in love with two different people. It's not always fun. I put up a lot of walls and lie to myself about how I feel. I have went back and forth between no regrets and wishing I had made very very different choices.

 

 

I am definitely still actively in an affair. But I haven't even seen him for a week and a half, no texting or smoke signals of any kind either.. My main focus has always been my family but this is definitely a big part of my life.

[Messy Lady]

I read posts often. I realized I only really log in and respond or post when I've been thinking lots about my own situation. Maybe more so when feeling guilty about it, or the opposite, extra mushy.

 

I'm curious if you post more during down times or when you feel like that. Have you ended it, or tried.. Do you want to? Are you happy with where things are, or do you want more?

 

I have stopped posting my own threads now as I found too many posters used them as an opportunity to judge and condemn me. I will add though that there several posters who I also found very supportive even if they did not agree with what I have been doing. As a result, I tend to use PMs more than anything and it's usually when my affair which is an on/off one is in transition between on and off, whichever way.

 

It looks like it's about to move to off again and I hope I can find the strength to resist when he wants me back. What I want at the moment from him is consistency - either he and I do this or we end it for good. I guess really I want more.

[Noirek]

I think being in an affair as the married person can do two things to you. Turn you into a narcissist about it or make you go crazy with guilt. I'm no longer in my affair but it wasn't easy getting out. And I was crazy. And hated myself. If you aren't narcisstic on some level about it than you can't really feel good about yourself knowing you are a liar, deciever, mother who is risking their children's happiness, ect. At first it was denial, but common sense and knowing that being selfless does not mean having an affair creep in. Of course knowing what you should do and wanting to do it can be so far apart. That whole "spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" bit.

 

When I was in it and figured no one was being hurt because they didn't know, i imagine it going on for years. The though makes me ill. A single person falling in love with a Married person and waiting for them to leave their spouse gets more respect from me than what I wanted does. Ultimate cake eating. Soul sucking, narssistic, life destroying was the path I was on. I'm glad the guilt almost literally killed me. I'm glad I am out of that hell. I'm glad it happened before I got to the place where guilt was merely a passing phase. I am a better person now than I was then. Because I no longer live a lie or cheat on my husband.