Who is actively in affair, who is trying to end it

[AutumnMoon]

The guilt doesn't eat me up.

I mean it's definitely there . I've had nights where I couldn't sleep, I've started crying random times thinking about it too hard, or if I for some reason decided to be masochistic and picture us getting caught.

 

But for the most part it's just one part of my life I'm so focussed on everything else and keeping those things good, and they really are pretty good my relationship with my husband , when he's home is great, that's just not often. I do stay in touch when he's away when we are able to but we are not always able to. I stay focus on my kids, and work and I just don't have a lot of time to feel guilty! We are fairly happy and things are good. I don't want more from my other man every once in a while I find myself wishing things were different either that we had never started this or that I had met him sooner.

 

Some nights I can't sleep like tonight. I know this is a choice I made a bunch of choices back to back . There is no judgement somebody else can try to pass on me that I haven't thought over about myself.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I have stopped posting my own threads now as I found too many posters used them as an opportunity to judge and condemn me. I will add though that there several posters who I also found very supportive even if they did not agree with what I have been doing. As a result, I tend to use PMs more than anything and it's usually when my affair which is an on/off one is in transition between on and off, whichever way.

 

It looks like it's about to move to off again and I hope I can find the strength to resist when he wants me back. What I want at the moment from him is consistency - either he and I do this or we end it for good. I guess really I want more.

 

Glad to see you are still here with us. I am actually thinking you have come a long way admitting that you want more, and honestly that is okay to want more- most of us on here admittedly want the same thing. We want more, we want the whole package, we want him even if it means it will burn us to the ground- the majority of us would burn if it meant we could have something real even for a day. It isn't right, it is so wrong, and it is an addiction but admitting it is there and being honest about that is very important.

 

Keep working through this. I am very much pushing for you and believe in you. I also understand everything you feel and are going through.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think being in an affair as the married person can do two things to you. Turn you into a narcissist about it or make you go crazy with guilt. I'm no longer in my affair but it wasn't easy getting out. And I was crazy. And hated myself. If you aren't narcisstic on some level about it than you can't really feel good about yourself knowing you are a liar, deciever, mother who is risking their children's happiness, ect. At first it was denial, but common sense and knowing that being selfless does not mean having an affair creep in. Of course knowing what you should do and wanting to do it can be so far apart. That whole "spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" bit.

When I was in it and figured no one was being hurt because they didn't know, i imagine it going on for years. The though makes me ill. A single person falling in love with a Married person and waiting for them to leave their spouse gets more respect from me than what I wanted does. Ultimate cake eating. Soul sucking, narssistic, life destroying was the path I was on. I'm glad the guilt almost literally killed me. I'm glad I am out of that hell. I'm glad it happened before I got to the place where guilt was merely a passing phase. I am a better person now than I was then. Because I no longer live a lie or cheat on my husband.

 

Well said and good for you!

[Jersey born raised]

Here is the rub: you and most of the WS posting here have a serious issue in their marriage that might justify a divorce. Identify what that issue is and how your MOP provided it. Use this knowledge to fix your marriage.

 

Unfortunately the adultery adds a whole another of corrosive issues untop of the issues which prevents the most determined couple to successful reconcile. Their are three outstanding threads here please read

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[AutumnMoon]

My only serious issue in my marriage is that I get bored. I love both and want both.

I don't want to lose either.

[ladydesigner]

Here is the rub: you and most of the WS posting here have a serious issue in their marriage that might justify a divorce. Identify what that issue is and how your MOP provided it. Use this knowledge to fix your marriage.

 

Unfortunately the adultery adds a whole another of corrosive issues untop of the issues which prevents the most determined couple to successful reconcile. Their are three outstanding threads here please read

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

My M had serious issues before my Stbxwh's A's. I had my A's post Dday. While I went to therapy my WH would refuse it claiming he had no issues always.

[Jersey born raised]

Which is why you can take what you learned, apply it to your next marriage creating a health one.

[BoaConstrictor]

I am actively trying to extricate myself from a two-month online emotional affair. I've never even met the person, but he filled a hole in my life and brought to light a lot of parts of myself that had laid dormant for a while.

 

I also would be loathe to start a thread of my own. I've got enough self-loathing and guilt to deal with; I don't need a bunch of strangers (most of whom have been cheated on) telling me that I'm a terrible person. I already feel that way most of the time, even as I am working in therapy to not think in those terms.

 

I am the MW and he is the OM. He's single and has communicated the extent to which he would go to to be with me. Such desire is intoxicating and part of what has made it hard to have NC. At multiple times we have both insisted on NC, only to have the other violate it. At this point, I am the primary one who violates NC, which is pretty interesting, given the fact that his feelings are stronger than mine. I certainly care about him, and if I were single, I would likely pursue something with him. But as is, it's more a narcissistic escape for me, a way to scratch my itch or get my "fix" in the midst of a stressful and somewhat boring existence. This is painful to write, but being honest helps me NOT contact him, in large part because I know the back and forth is killing him. And I have never lied to him about my feelings or the reasons I fell into our emotional online arrangement.

 

He's been pretty honest with me that he wants to be with me and only me, that he's never "met" anyone like me and that he will have a hard time getting over me. More than anything, when I have a desire to contact him, and I often have the urge, I remember how cruel it is to him to keep the torch burning, given our respective positions. Besides, my husband knows all about it, and I've been painfully honest with him as well and therefore know that I will tell him about any contact we have moving forward. I find that transparency immensely helpful.

 

But one thing this whole experience has taught me is that I am a weak ass human being. And never to judge. And to realize that marriage is fragile. And that I have a great capacity to wound.

[malvern99]

There's a big difference between condemning/judging a person and condemning/judging that person's actions. I see a lot of the latter on this board and not much of the former.

[BoaConstrictor]

There's a big difference between condemning/judging a person and condemning/judging that person's actions. I see a lot of the latter on this board and not much of the former.

 

Very possible. But I'm not willing to take the chance that I will garner much or any of the former.