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FWB to turn back to full blown relationship?


LastStraw

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Hi guys, I wonder what do you think about the following situation.

Ex (of 2 years) and I broke up 1.5 months ago. We kept living together, sleeping in the same bed, but not being physical (he said I'd get hurt). Before then we were like rabbits, the issues in the relationship were elsewhere (frequent fighting etc).

We separated for 3-4 days last week... Not we're back into sleeping with each other. Daily. I don't know how to call our 'status', I guess we are FWB now? We're not going out yet but we spend tons of time talking to each other every night. He said he's not with me (in a relationship sense) because he's not sure we're right for each other for the future...

Is this sudden return of the physical intimacy a kiss of death or a sign he's still thinking we can eventually reconcile? He told me so many times he can't even touch a woman that he has no feelings for, and now - this... Anybody went through something similar?

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He is having his cake and eating it.

He is getting his fun without the commitment of a relationship.

 

He was right when he said you will get hurt if you sleep together. But I guess his willpower wasn't as strong as his libido.

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Hi guys, I wonder what do you think about the following situation.

Ex (of 2 years) and I broke up 1.5 months ago. We kept living together, sleeping in the same bed, but not being physical (he said I'd get hurt). Before then we were like rabbits, the issues in the relationship were elsewhere (frequent fighting etc).

We separated for 3-4 days last week... Not we're back into sleeping with each other. Daily. I don't know how to call our 'status', I guess we are FWB now? We're not going out yet but we spend tons of time talking to each other every night. He said he's not with me (in a relationship sense) because he's not sure we're right for each other for the future...

Is this sudden return of the physical intimacy a kiss of death or a sign he's still thinking we can eventually reconcile? He told me so many times he can't even touch a woman that he has no feelings for, and now - this... Anybody went through something similar?

 

Please believe people when they tell you something. I think you are now FWB and it is risky because you love him. You may get hurt if he meets a woman who he feels is right for him so you have to decide whether you can handle that risk.

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You may get hurt if he meets a woman who he feels is right for him - it is very unlikely to happen now because we still spend all our free time together... I'm aware of the risk thought. I think that's why he refrained for a month (although I wanted it).

 

 

I still wonder - question for the men - is the physical intimacy helping or stalling the re-growth of emotional intimacy? I have the gut feeling that the FWB stage is a transition, but have no idea - transition towards moving on or getting back together :(

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is the physical intimacy helping or stalling the re-growth of emotional intimacy?

"Physical intimacy"? You mean sex. That's how he views it. Nothing intimate at all, just a good time.

 

It's not a transition, it's just a time filler and a nice feeling. Like a 3D interactive video game.

 

You're going to get hurt (more) if you carry on with the belief that it's going to lead to a relationship.

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I still wonder - question for the men - is the physical intimacy helping or stalling the re-growth of emotional intimacy? I have the gut feeling that the FWB stage is a transition, but have no idea - transition towards moving on or getting back together :(

 

Projecting. You're equating sex with love. He is equating sex with sex.

 

You've been demoted from relationship to FWB. Nowhere else to go from there.

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Turn the sex off, become less available and tell him you want a monogamous relationship with him and then YOU can see how it goes and if it's right for you. He's in charge right now and sounds like he is just fine with what's going on and you're the one in limbo. Take charge.

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Just to clarify:

 

 

Whatever we are now, we are monogamous. We live together and spend every evening together, so it is logistically impossible to have other partner.

 

 

The resistance to getting back into 'real' relationship is because he (his circles) expect imminent proposal if we were a couple. I'm not in a rush, the pressure comes from his church and family.

 

 

Considering his values, sex for fun is completely out of his comfort zone. I know most men are not that way but ... he is, he has very conservative values. That's why it is so confusing to me.

 

 

Will pulling back be a good idea? My terms are to keep the relationship, I just can't understand his obsession with proposals and stuff. This can wait even if we get back together.

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"My terms are to keep the relationship"

 

You don't have one. He even said so. What you want to keep then is what you currently have which is the FWB with no future between you two. Just what you have day to day.

 

Suggestion is to stop the sex with him and move out unless he is willing to be in a relationship. Those are your terms.

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YOU cannot afford to hang around in your thirties with a guy who is only using you for sex.

He has told you you are not relationship material. Please believe him.

Nothing will come of this, you are going to get seriously hurt when he reveals his new gf (most likely a co worker or someone devout from his own church) or he simply gets fed up of the cosy nights in with you and starts going out and meeting other women.

He broke it off with you and even now he keeps telling you that you are not right for him. The transition here is towards breaking up all together. He doesn't want you, but sex is always welcome. Old habits die hard.

FWB as Zahara says is a demotion, any woman willing to give up sex to a man who doesn't love her, will not generally be looked upon favourably by men looking for a serious relationship. Men can be a little bit hypocritical sometimes.

 

Why on earth do you want to be with a man who you didn't get along well with, who blew hot and cold and then broke up with you?

 

You need to try and regain some self respect here.

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Just to clarify:

 

 

Whatever we are now, we are monogamous. We live together and spend every evening together, so it is logistically impossible to have other partner.

 

 

The resistance to getting back into 'real' relationship is because he (his circles) expect imminent proposal if we were a couple. I'm not in a rush, the pressure comes from his church and family.

 

 

Considering his values, sex for fun is completely out of his comfort zone. I know most men are not that way but ... he is, he has very conservative values. That's why it is so confusing to me.

 

 

Will pulling back be a good idea? My terms are to keep the relationship, I just can't understand his obsession with proposals and stuff. This can wait even if we get back together.

 

Unless you are conjoined twins, you really cannot say with certainty that he won't meet someone else. Everything you've described points to a f**k buddy relationship. "Considering his values"..what values? He is shacking up with a girl he doesn't want to be in a relationship with and you're getting mind f**ked as well because you think he'll finally wake up one day and decide he wants a relationship again. You are only devaluing yourself in his eyes by accepting mediocrity when what you really want is a loving committed relationship.

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Instead of trying to guess, have you thought about discussing this with him?

 

 

I will, I just don't know when is the best moment. My counselor suggested that I should postpone this discussion for a time in which we had a string of positive interactions.

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I wanted to clarify (I am completely aware what the generic advice for situation like this is, I think we are not the most 'typical' people, so the information matters):

 

 

1) he dumped me after *I* initiated (told him that I'm dumping him in the heat of anger) - that's one of the things he always swirls back to (he felt 'abandoned' when I said this, esp. that I said it before)

 

 

2) he wanted to get engaged and I was postponing - he took this as rejection

 

 

3) he told me over the years he can't have sex just for sex. From the two of us he had the more 'relationship-y' approach to sex

 

 

4) physical intimacy is not only the sex - it is kissing, hugging, holding hands etc. Focus is primarily on me so I don't get it as 'using' (habits die hard as someone said... it is my need as well)

 

 

5) I'll be very surprised if he's dating someone else - trust me on that, I know his behaviors very well (he won't be able to hide it if he was)

 

 

Considering his rejection/abandonment issues, I feel like me moving out will seal the deal regarding break up. As I see it now, the reason that we're not back together is because he doesn't believe I want to f*cking marry him (his words: 'you always test me for the role and I've never been enough').

 

 

I was suggested to talk to him after some positive interactions - is this 'hopeless' move?

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Whatever we are now, we are monogamous. We live together and spend every evening together, so it is logistically impossible to have other partner.

 

Day off work without you knowing? Take another woman to a hotel room or go to her place.

 

you dont know what he is doing.

 

My best friend cheated on her husband. I dont approve but it is her life. They lived together and spent every evening together. She found a way to have sex with her other man.

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Day off work without you knowing? Take another woman to a hotel room or go to her place.

 

you don't know what he is doing.

 

My best friend cheated on her husband. I dont approve but it is her life. They lived together and spent every evening together. She found a way to have sex with her other man.

 

I agree.

The human species put a man on the moon, so it is not beyond the average man or woman to find ways to see their AP regularly, if that is what they want to do.

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Ok, everything is possible but let's take my word on this for the sake of the thread: we are monogamous, not seeing/sleeping with others.

 

He also considerably warmed up over the past week or so. As of now, there are 2 differences from before the break up:

 

1) we don't go on dates (we have date nights like watching a movie etc but at home)

 

2) he's repeating how glad he is we didn't get married. That sounds weird to me because I never asked to do so, I was not ready anyway when he was taking about it before the break up.

 

I'm not unhappy in the current situation, except the lack of direction... towards breaking it all together or reconciling.

 

If I suggest reconciling he freaks out and start the marriage blab. So I need to give him time to suggest reconciling himself. If say by mid December it has not happen, I'd be out. By then I'll keep it as it is, trying to show him better side of me. Does this make sense? (I don't want to look desperate but I don't want to leave without exhausting the chances as well)

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As long as you do understand fully that it is a non committal FWB situation and nothing more and that in the end if he continues to not want a relationship, then you will get hurt. You're trying to do whatever you can in hopes that he will change, but he has made it clear where he is at right now. You want a lot more than he does. Good luck with everything and hope it somehow works out for you.

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Ok, everything is possible but let's take my word on this for the sake of the thread: we are monogamous, not seeing/sleeping with others.

 

Just because he is sleeping with you and no one else doesn't mean he is committed to you. You are sex that is available. It is much easier to have sex with someone that is there than to go out and seek new partners.

 

1) we don't go on dates (we have date nights like watching a movie etc but at home)

 

It's not a relationship. It's convenience.

 

2) he's repeating how glad he is we didn't get married. That sounds weird to me because I never asked to do so, I was not ready anyway when he was taking about it before the break up.

 

He's being upfront so you have no expectations. He is making sure you know what the deal is: there is no future.

 

I'm not unhappy in the current situation, except the lack of direction... towards breaking it all together or reconciling.

 

You are not unhappy because you're in denial and hopeful.

 

If I suggest reconciling he freaks out and start the marriage blab. So I need to give him time to suggest reconciling himself. If say by mid December it has not happen, I'd be out. By then I'll keep it as it is, trying to show him better side of me. Does this make sense? (I don't want to look desperate but I don't want to leave without exhausting the chances as well)

 

Unfortunately, when a man doesn't want to be with you but you continue to keep having sex with him and giving him all the benefits without the commitment, you've established yourself as someone who has no self-respect, and he already sees that.

Edited by Zahara
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