unintentionally cheated - do i tell or deny?

[bubblegum1234]

Last weekend I unintentionally cheated on my boyfriend. do I keep this quiet forever or admit it if confronted?

 

I was out at a party and my boyfriend was out separately with his guy pals that he'd organised weeks before - after the party my friend Phil crashed at mine (we've been good friends for over 10 years, always been platonic, shared a bed loads of times with nothing ever even remotely happening).

 

 

Anyway we both passed out then I woke up and felt him have spooning me having sex with me - I was still dazed as had taken a Xanax and when I properly woke up I stopped it. phil said I initiated it as I had grabbed his hands and put them down my pants (im not saying he's lying but if I did, it happened while I was asleep) and that's why this had happened. I freaked out and started crying and saying I didn't know it was phil I thought it was my bf. it must've lasted less than 30 seconds in total. (I've had an std check and im fine).

 

phil said he wouldn't tell anyone as that was what I was panicking about most - we have 200 mutual friends on facebook - basically know all of the same people and my bf is part of that circle too. do I tell my boyfriend what happened? this opens the can of worms that my friend raped me when I don't want to call it that, I think he overstepped the mark definitely but this will open a whole new can of worms or do I keep quiet and hope this doesn't get out? phil is also known to be a compulsive liar so his word doesn't mean much.

 

I love my boyfriend so much and cant believe this has happened - never in a million years did I expect this. things have been very up and down over the past few months though so I feel if he finds out/if I tell then it will be the final nail in the coffin. he hasn't tried to have sex with me for a few weeks now too and i just feel a bit distant from him.

 

 

so many question is, do I deny everything if it ever gets out (as it's phil's word against mine and he is known for lying plus there was no intention from my side to ever cheat so why ruin my relationship when I didn't proactively do anything) or do I admit to my bf what actually happened which also means effectively accusing my friend of rape and also the issues involving why didn't I tell him earlier etc and the trust being gone from our relationship? my bf would be sooo angry about the whole thing and probably end it as it will taint our relationship

 

help. I've never cheated before (im 29) so all of these horrible feelings are consuming me.

Edited November 16, 2016 by bubblegum1234

[stillafool]

Are you sure? It sounds like you were raped. Not a good idea to sleep in the bed with another man loaded with alcohol and xanex when you have a bf. Yes tell your bf and don't put yourself in that position again.

[VeveCakes]

Yeah sounds to me more like rape. Not cool Phil.

 

I don't think it was wise to sleep with another man when you have a bf.

 

I think you need to tell your bf the WHOLE truth and let him take care of Phil himself.

[smackie9]

I agree you were raped.....you were woken up with him having sex with you. This guy waited til you were unconscious...that's sick.

 

You are an adult, not 16 years old...YOU DO NOT sleep in the same bed with any man that is not your SO.

 

 

This Phil guy is a jerk, and he's just going to deny any wrong doing, and I bet money on it, he's gonna start talking about the experience. You should forever write him off.

 

You won't be able to live with yourself, you had unprotected sex, you owe it to your BF the truth, now you need to get tested.....grow up and accept responsibility for your actions.

Edited November 16, 2016 by smackie9

[stillafool]

I hope you're not pregnant.

[introverted1]

Based on what you've relayed here, you were raped. Why on earth would you want to protect Phil in that case?

[zenon]

I think you should show your boyfriend this exact post. If you tell him the WHOLE truth, including the awkward/confusing feelings about being basically raped by your friend and how you can't seem to identify with what happened since you were incapacitated, I can't see why he wouldn't believe you. It can cause a lot of pain for a rape victim when they are blamed or they think it will "taint" their relationship, when in fact it was out of their control. After this happened, you wouldn't want to feel like your relationship and reputation were also out of your control as a result of something that happened when you were passed out.

 

If you want to stay with this guy long term, I think the feeling of keeping this from him will build up until it is intolerable. If there is truly a strong connection here worth saving, he will take your side and try to help you recover after you were raped. You should be with someone who is on your side, and believes you.

 

I don't think you need to continue a friendship with a guy who raped you, anyway. How drunk was phil when this happened? The fact that you were in a relationship and nothing had ever happened between you and him before is more indicative of it being purposeful rape. How could phil possibly think you wanted to cheat on your boyfriend if he's such a good "friend"? If you had made out with phil a couple times before and were single, I could see the blurred lines, but there were no blurred lines here.

[DKT3]

So quick to jump to conclusions....i can believe Phil's version of the story, my own wife is very sexual while sleeping and has in the past engaged me sexually while not alert. I will tell her about her groping and such of which she normally has no recollection. Totally believable. The question is why are you putting yourself in these types of situations at 29 years old.

[LD1990]

So you partied, invited a guy "friend" over to your place, let him sleep in your bed, and now you're saying you "unintentionally cheated" and that he "raped" you. Give me a damn break.

 

You acted inappropriately. This sounds like one of those "I cheated and regret it so I'll just call it rape" situations.

[Methodical]

I'm not so quick to label this as rape. Years ago I was prescribed ambien. I had never taken it before, had a lot going on, and hubs and I had gotten into an argument. I decided to take one and call it a night. The next morning I saw all the signs that we'd had sex. I was ticked off and confronted him. He gave me a very detailed account of what had taken place, things I could verify...things I'd have instigated, not him. I did some research and discovered many people had similar experiences while taking that drug. Long story short, I tossed the pills because I like being in control of my actions and the ability to recall events. Ambien stripped that ability away. And, no, I hadn't been drinking.

 

Mixing alcohol and xanax isn't smart. Sharing a bed with someone you don't intend to have sex with isn't smart. All that said, Phil knows you have a boyfriend. An ethical friend would not have entertained your impaired advances... if that is what happened. Another consideration is that Phil is a compulsive liar.

 

In your shoes, I'd come clean and tell your bf. The only way Phil will keep is mouth shut is if he did rape you and doesn't want to get caught. Otherwise, I wouldn't trust a compulsive liar who vowed to keep silent to actually keep his trap shut.

[Methodical]

I had to come back to this thread because I forgot to ask a pertinent question. Is your bf cool with you sharing a bed with a platonic male friend?

[VeveCakes]

So quick to jump to conclusions....i can believe Phil's version of the story, my own wife is very sexual while sleeping and has in the past engaged me sexually while not alert. I will tell her about her groping and such of which she normally has no recollection. Totally believable. The question is why are you putting yourself in these types of situations at 29 years old.

 

Except Phil knew she has a bf.

Phil knew she was passed out drunk.

 

Phil may have felt a grab but I seriously doubt she was awake and had her eyes open. Phil knew something was up.

 

Maybe hard to claim rape in court but this was definitely not consensual.

[Space Ritual]

so many question is, do I deny everything if it ever gets out (as it's phil's word against mine and he is known for lying plus there was no intention from my side to ever cheat so why ruin my relationship when I didn't proactively do anything) or do I admit to my bf what actually happened which also means effectively accusing my friend of rape and also the issues involving why didn't I tell him earlier etc and the trust being gone from our relationship? my bf would be sooo angry about the whole thing and probably end it as it will taint our relationship

 

help. I've never cheated before (im 29) so all of these horrible feelings are consuming me.

 

 

You better get in front of this, because if you don't , your boyfriend is liable to find out form someone else. And if he finds out form somebody else, then any explanation you have will not be good enough for a boyfriend that had to hear about it form someone else.

 

And another thin. Stop with "Unintentional Cheating" Crap. When your boyfriend finds out, which he will by hook or crook, minimizing it in such a callous way will only lead him to believe this isn't the first time it happened.

 

This past Spring we had a poster in this forum who went to a party without her boyfriend, proceeded o get drunk, have sex with a guy and ended up pregnant. The debate raged here for a good 3 weeks as to whether she was raped or not. As she divulged more information to us, her original story began to crumble like a Little Debbie cake left out in the sun.

 

So you have a couple of awful choices to make here. Your first choice is to decide for yourself as to whether you were raped or not. If you think you were, then you better go to the cops. Again, if you don't report it, the chances this guy will do it to someone else is pretty high.

 

The other choice is about your boyfriend. I know you are scared, but he must find out from you. Sure he may dump you if you are honest with him, but I can assure you if he has to find out form on of his friends or someone else at that party, your chances of getting dumped go up exponentially.

 

If this Phil guy has as big a mouth as most guys, he has already told more than one person his version of events. It is literally impossible for a guy to keep his mouth shut about messing about with any woman, let alone one who is in a relationship with someone else.

 

I'm sorry you have such an awful choice to make, but it's always better to come clean, because in most cases like this, it is not the act itself that is the issue. The issue wil be the obfuscation and the lies that go with it. Many people may forgive someone for cheating, but the lies that accompany said act have the potential to do irreparable damage.

 

Good Luck

[smackie9]

Except Phil knew she has a bf.

Phil knew she was passed out drunk.

 

Phil may have felt a grab but I seriously doubt she was awake and had her eyes open. Phil knew something was up.

 

Maybe hard to claim rape in court but this was definitely not consensual.

Plus Phil is known to lie....A LOT.

[salparadise]

phil said I initiated it as I had grabbed his hands and put them down my pants (im not saying he's lying but if I did, it happened while I was asleep) and that's why this had happened. I freaked out and started crying and saying I didn't know it was phil I thought it was my bf.

 

So clarify a couple of things... did you initiate thinking it was your bf, or were you not aware of anything at all until you woke up? And if you put his hands down your pants, what happened to the pants? Did you wake up naked, were the pants down around your ankles, or were you only wearing panties and he just pushed them aside? I'm trying to understand how much intention there was, and if he literally had to undress you for this to happen.

 

As to whether or tell or not, how many of those 200 Facebook friends do you want to know?

[smackie9]

I say Phil had intent. He knew your BF would be out for the whole evening, he knew you would be getting drunk with your GFs. He intentionally showed up uninvited, he knew you would be OK with sharing a place on the bed, he knew you trusted him, he just waited for the right moment to make his move. He saw opportunity right from the start. He took advantage.

[DKT3]

Except Phil knew she has a bf.

Phil knew she was passed out drunk.

 

Phil may have felt a grab but I seriously doubt she was awake and had her eyes open. Phil knew something was up.

 

Maybe hard to claim rape in court but this was definitely not consensual.

 

Funny, you are essentially saying that Phil is responsible for her drunken behavior while she isn't? Wait wasn't Phil also drunk? Who fault is that the bartender? Or maybe the uber driver.

 

Come on, look I have a younger sister, three nieces and a daughter, I've always passed the message to them "never depend on others to be responsible for you" as women they need to understand their are dangerous scenario if they lose control or become unaware.

 

Lastly people cheat on husbands and boyfriends all the time, so basically your saying that if the other guy knows she has a husband or boyfriend then she has any responsible for having sex with him?

 

The key to this situation is the one thing she said that no one is mentioning.... I THOUGHT IT WAS MY BOYFRIEND. once she realized it wasn't she said stop and Phil stopped. Hmm interesting, putting it all together I'm betting it happened the way Phil said.

 

But note, OP never suggest it was rape.

[VeveCakes]

I'm saying Phil is a creep and it couldn't be consensual if she thought it was her bf.

 

No need to read into any further.

[Methodical]

Whoa. Let's slow down.

 

I was out at a party and my boyfriend was out separately with his guy pals that he'd organised weeks before - after the party my friend Phil crashed at mine [/Quote]

 

Phil didn't show up uninvited. They partied together and then crashed at her place.

 

I didn't know it was phil I thought it was my bf.... (im 29).

 

The key to this situation is the one thing she said that no one is mentioning.... I THOUGHT IT WAS MY BOYFRIEND. once she realized it wasn't she said stop and Phil stopped. Hmm interesting, putting it all together I'm betting it happened the way Phil said.

 

Yes, it is worth mentioning that she admitted she thought it was her bf, so the likelihood that she initiated is plausible. I admit Phil's actions were unethical, but he isn't a mindreader and ppl willingly cheat all the time.

[aileD]

Ugh I don't know on this one.

 

Maybe you were raped. Maybe you did lead him on in your sleep/drug&alchohol induced haze. Unfortunately you will never know. He stopped when you told him to so maybe it's true you initiated.

 

Regardless of how this goes, you need to reevaluate your life. You're 29 years old, why are you getting wasted and taking xanax then sharing a bed (many times?) with a man who is not your boyfriend?

[Methodical]

OP is a 29-year-old woman who loves her bf. They've been having problems lately, no sex and she felt the distance/disconnect between them. She went to a party, got smashed, went home with a friend of ten years, took Xanax, and went to bed.

 

For all we know, she was drunk and horny, felt around and grabbed Phil's hand thinking it was her bf bc she was inebriated, and initiated sex. Then it dawned on her that it was Phil, not her bf, so she told him to stop and he did. That does not constitute rape, which is a serious allegation, especially when it is plausible that she instigated the whole thing. Thinking he was her bf is a key piece of information.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I might be blasted for my take on this but I have to call out the OP on this one.

 

As for this being labelled rape, I'm on the fence about this. I think too many people throw that word around like it's confetti that I often fear it's lost it's true meaning and the trauma it sincerely inflicts on it's victims. Was this an act of rape? I'm not sure. I'm not feeling like it was and that's coming from someone who was a victim herself and has advocated on behalf of victims. Was it highly inappropriate? Absolutely and I believe they BOTH had a part to play in how this unfolded.

 

 

It would be lovely to live in a world where men knew better and just because an opportunity presents itself to have their pickle tickled doesn't mean he should or would. Unfortunately, that isn't how things are most of the time ESPECIALLY when you mix alcohol and meds. Women STILL need to be smart about what they're doing and vigilant in their own safety particularly when they choose to engage in drinking and drugging. We can't trust anyone with this unfortunately.

 

 

OP, confess to your boyfriend and deal with the ramifications of this incident and never allow yourself to be put in such a vulnerable position again.

 

As for Phil, I'd reconsider that friendship.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Osmium13]

OP clearly knows "Phil" better than anyone here, so I think that puts the onus on her to figure out the likelihood of his story. His character is probably a reasonable indicator of how trustworthy he is, so it's down to you to decide.

 

How drunk was he? Has he tried it on with you before (sober or drunk)? Has he any history of any similar things that you know of? Obviously this is no guarantee one way or the other, but given the limited knowledge you have of the night it's a difficult circumstance to be in.

 

If, after considering that, you come to the conclusion that he took advantage of you or is probably lying - you might want to consider that he raped you and contact the law. You're the one that has to live with what happened, so it's your call. Bear in mind that if he DID act in that way, he might well do it again - to you or someone else.

[introverted1]

So the OP was drinking, then took a Xanax, then invited inebriated friend into her bed.

 

That much seems not to be in dispute.

 

Then, something transpired that led to Phil being actively engaged in intercourse with OP. OP claims it was 30 seconds at the most but nonetheless felt compelled to get an STD test.

 

I think the bf deserves to hear what happened and make his own decision. Whether it was rape or not is debatable but what isn't debatable is that poor judgement was used. I imagine that if the OP's bf had drunkenly had sex with another woman - regardless of circumstances or length of the event -- she'd want to know.

[CommittedToThis]

The situation with the OP repeatedly sharing a bed with a platonic male friend while in a committed (?) relationship with another man strikes me as inauthentic. This doesn't add up at all. Does OP's bf know she shares a bed with her platonic friend Phil? Seems unlikely any bf would be down with that.

 

Hope everyone finds peace before the holidays.