unintentionally cheated - do i tell or deny?

[road]

Are you sure? It sounds like you were raped. Not a good idea to sleep in the bed with another man loaded with alcohol and xanex when you have a bf. Yes tell your bf and don't put yourself in that position again.

 

 

Not a good idea to do that when sober. Why do people constantly play with matches then complain that their house burnt down?

[usa1ah]

I take it that this is not the first time you and Phil shared a bed.

 

Why are you sleeping with a guy that is not your bf?

 

Does your bf know you sleep with Phil from time to time?

 

Who knows what happened.

 

Yes tell your bf. The things people do thinking there is no harm in it.

[zenon]

How much xanax did OP take? Xanax + alcohol blackouts are not like regular alcohol blackouts. They are much worse. It can change people, and there are many stories online of people taking the combo and ending up places with no idea how they got there.

 

When someone is drugged on this combination, which can be like taking roofies, and not in their right mind it is not the time to have sex with them - whether they make a move to initiate or not. They will have no clue what's going on.

 

Both parties should be responsible for their actions (don't essentially roofie yourself with this combination of drugs, and don't take advantage of someone who is so high/incapacitated they have no clue what's happening).

 

I wonder if he even knew she was passed out?

 

Everything considered, her boyfriend has a right to know. If he won't believe you, then that's an even bigger red flag about the state of your relationship.

[WomenWubber]

Your "friend" should know better than preying on intoxicated women.

 

You should know better than getting wasted at parties.

 

I don't think you're in shape of continuing your relationship with your boyfriend, or in any relationship for that matter. Where do your immediate family and friends (not Phil, I mean real friends) fit in all of this? You need help ASAP.

[bubblegum1234]

The situation with the OP repeatedly sharing a bed with a platonic male friend while in a committed (?) relationship with another man strikes me as inauthentic. This doesn't add up at all. Does OP's bf know she shares a bed with her platonic friend Phil? Seems unlikely any bf would be down with that.

 

Hope everyone finds peace before the holidays.

 

just to clarify - we've shared a bed over the years. the plan when he was at mine was to crash on the sofa but my flatmates were there so he stayed in my bed. i was wearing underwear and my boyfriends t-shirt (i usually just sleep in bra and pants)

[bubblegum1234]

Ugh I don't know on this one.

 

Maybe you were raped. Maybe you did lead him on in your sleep/drug&alchohol induced haze. Unfortunately you will never know. He stopped when you told him to so maybe it's true you initiated.

 

Regardless of how this goes, you need to reevaluate your life. You're 29 years old, why are you getting wasted and taking xanax then sharing a bed (many times?) with a man who is not your boyfriend?

 

i've not shared a bed with him "many" times - 3 times in the last 18 months or so. last time was feb this year and we just watched youtube videos and fell asleep, time before that watched tv and fell asleep (and on opposite sides of the bed)

[bubblegum1234]

How much xanax did OP take? Xanax + alcohol blackouts are not like regular alcohol blackouts. They are much worse. It can change people, and there are many stories online of people taking the combo and ending up places with no idea how they got there.

 

When someone is drugged on this combination, which can be like taking roofies, and not in their right mind it is not the time to have sex with them - whether they make a move to initiate or not. They will have no clue what's going on.

 

Both parties should be responsible for their actions (don't essentially roofie yourself with this combination of drugs, and don't take advantage of someone who is so high/incapacitated they have no clue what's happening).

 

I wonder if he even knew she was passed out?

 

Everything considered, her boyfriend has a right to know. If he won't believe you, then that's an even bigger red flag about the state of your relationship.

 

he would believe me but i fear it will be a massive issue that we couldnt get past - as many have said, in hindsight i shouldnt have shared a bed with a male friend - i honestly had no idea that anything like this would ever ever happen. there was no intent from my side at all in this. yes it was inappropriate but he has had one or two of his female friends stay at his before.

[bubblegum1234]

OP is a 29-year-old woman who loves her bf. They've been having problems lately, no sex and she felt the distance/disconnect between them. She went to a party, got smashed, went home with a friend of ten years, took Xanax, and went to bed.

 

For all we know, she was drunk and horny, felt around and grabbed Phil's hand thinking it was her bf bc she was inebriated, and initiated sex. Then it dawned on her that it was Phil, not her bf, so she told him to stop and he did. That does not constitute rape, which is a serious allegation, especially when it is plausible that she instigated the whole thing. Thinking he was her bf is a key piece of information.

 

this post accurately sums up what happened (although i have no memory of grabbing his hand but thats not to say it didnt happen).

 

i think i will not tell my bf what happened unless it gets out - it would make my life so much easier just to tell him today and not to have this horrible dark cloud over me/us but i would rather suffer myself than upset my bf. maybe if i work on making things better between us then i can tell him in a couple of months when we are in a better place to withstand something like this?

[bubblegum1234]

So you partied, invited a guy "friend" over to your place, let him sleep in your bed, and now you're saying you "unintentionally cheated" and that he "raped" you. Give me a damn break.

 

You acted inappropriately. This sounds like one of those "I cheated and regret it so I'll just call it rape" situations.

 

i never called it rape (other people in this thread are). i didnt know what was going on and as he was behind me (spooning) i didnt see his face so thats also why i didnt react immediately. i went for an std check even though the whole thing lasted seconds as you can still be open to catching an std and i care about my boyfriends health and wouldnt want this ordeal to be any worse than what it is if i gave him something.

[elaine567]

i never called it rape (other people in this thread are). i didnt know what was going on and as he was behind me (spooning) i didnt see his face so thats also why i didnt react immediately. i went for an std check even though the whole thing lasted seconds as you can still be open to catching an std and i care about my boyfriends health and wouldnt want this ordeal to be any worse than what it is if i gave him something.

 

As you were intoxicated, sedated and asleep when this happened, this was technically rape as you did not consent.

You were in no fit state to consent.

 

- police video.

[doyathinkso]

 

i think i will not tell my bf what happened unless it gets out -

 

 

Yeah, good luck with that ..... Because it will come out, it always comes out and how do you think your boyfriend will feel after hearing it from someone else? And how can you possibly be at peace with yourself living with this ongoing deception?

[salparadise]

I say Phil had intent. He knew your BF would be out for the whole evening, he knew you would be getting drunk with your GFs. He intentionally showed up uninvited, he knew you would be OK with sharing a place on the bed, he knew you trusted him, he just waited for the right moment to make his move. He saw opportunity right from the start. He took advantage.

 

And I say we don't know enough about how this transpired to draw such a conclusion. One thing I can say is, if she got herself drunk/drugged and naked or nearly nearly, crawled into bed with Phil (also drunk) and started rubbing it on him... well, the result is about what one might expect.

 

We don't know enough to pass judgement on Phil. We haven't heard his side of the story. Calling him a rapist is ridiculous. It could be that she just doesn't remember –– they were drugging and drinking –– or it could be morning remorse after cooperative insertion. A lot of people would like to redefine rape as any sex that a woman regrets or doesn't want to accept responsibility for. Not buying that.

[bubblegum1234]

can someone please give me advice about whether i keep my mouth shut or tell my bf what happened?

 

disadvantages of telling him:

it could end

even if it didnt end it will be an issue forever

why ruin a relationship when there was no intent from my side? yes it happened and i have to deal with it but if i had properly cheated and wanted any of this then i would agree he has every right to know but this situation isnt clear cut like that

everyone in our town will know and hate me

i will feel so lonely without him - my dad passed away last year and my bf has been my rock

it might never come out as my 'friend' should know it doesnt benefit him to tell anyone

i can guarantee nothing like this will ever happen again - i've never cheated on anyone in my life and want to treat this as a one-off situation. i've learned a lesson not to share a bed with male friends no matter how much i think it is platonic from my side

 

advantages of telling him:

ive always emphasised how much i value honesty

i wont be living in constant sickening fear he could find out from someone else whether its in six months or a year

it would be better him hearing from me than someone else via chinese whispers

[salparadise]

can someone please give me advice about whether i keep my mouth shut or tell my bf what happened?

 

The moral absolutists are going to be all over this––they're going to say you must tell all. They will try to convince you that there is only one correct way. Their way. My opinion is that you have to weigh this in your own conscience and make a rational decision that is right for you. Don't let anyone shame you into doing something when they have no objectivity and nothing invested.

 

The fact that you willingly went to bed with him is not going to make you look like an innocent victim of a sexual assault. Culpability is hard to ascribe––it's a gray area. There would be consequences for more people than just yourself. Once it's said it can't be unsaid, so don't make a hasty decision. But do make your own decision. Seeing a counselor might be a good idea. They can help you organize your thoughts and feelings based on your values and circumstances.

[bubblegum1234]

The moral absolutists are going to be all over this––they're going to say you must tell all. They will try to convince you that there is only one correct way. Their way. My opinion is that you have to weigh this in your own conscience and make a rational decision that is right for you. Don't let anyone shame you into doing something when they have no objectivity and nothing invested.

 

The fact that you willingly went to bed with him is not going to make you look like an innocent victim of a sexual assault. Culpability is hard to ascribe––it's a gray area. There would be consequences for more people than just yourself. Once it's said it can't be unsaid, so don't make a hasty decision. But do make your own decision. Seeing a counselor might be a good idea. They can help you organize your thoughts and feelings based on your values and circumstances.

 

Thank you. i am going to see a therapist next wednesday to talk about this. i really am very distraught as i love my bf so much.

[salparadise]

Thank you. i am going to see a therapist next wednesday to talk about this. i really am very distraught as i love my bf so much.

 

Good. I'm glad to hear that. Don't try to get the therapist to make the decision for you. Tell him/her that you need help coming to terms and making your own decision. A good therapist will not tell you what to do. Understand that going in.

[elaine567]

can someone please give me advice about whether i keep my mouth shut or tell my bf what happened?

 

disadvantages of telling him:

it could end

even if it didnt end it will be an issue forever

why ruin a relationship when there was no intent from my side? yes it happened and i have to deal with it but if i had properly cheated and wanted any of this then i would agree he has every right to know but this situation isnt clear cut like that

everyone in our town will know and hate me

i will feel so lonely without him - my dad passed away last year and my bf has been my rock

it might never come out as my 'friend' should know it doesnt benefit him to tell anyone

i can guarantee nothing like this will ever happen again - i've never cheated on anyone in my life and want to treat this as a one-off situation. i've learned a lesson not to share a bed with male friends no matter how much i think it is platonic from my side

 

advantages of telling him:

ive always emphasised how much i value honesty

i wont be living in constant sickening fear he could find out from someone else whether its in six months or a year

it would be better him hearing from me than someone else via chinese whispers

 

It is very difficult decision but your flatmates I presume know Phil stayed the night in your small room and in your bed.

A guy that regularly gets drunk like Phil, may easily just let something slip in some sort of a drunken brag or a drunken misery session. If cornered he is going to say it was consensual sex, as to admit anything else is not in his best interests

You have a large friend base, so if the news gets out, it will spread like wild fire. You live in a small town so your bf may easily get to hear about it. Very difficult then to get your side of the story out, if it has gained arms and legs in the re-teling.

"She was all over him that night, and I couldn't sleep for the noises of the wild sex they were having next door..."

 

If you were a private person living alone in a large apartment or a house in the city, with only a few friends, then you may have taken this to your grave or denied it big time (he slept in the spare room), but I think here it may be difficult to bury it completely.

It may all come out at the most inappropriate time, ie your engagement party, your wedding, pregnant with your first child...

 

IF of course your flatmates genuinely don't know he spent the night, Phil is usually a very sober quiet chap and you don't actually know many people in your small town then that may be a different story.

 

BTW Phil is not your platonic friend, he is either a guy who is in love with you, or a guy who hangs about with you as he just wants to sleep with you.

[JellyTot]

In my opinion Phil has raped you. You were asleep and you did not consent. It should have been fairly obvious to Phil that you were not participating, kissing him or making eye contact, and in fact you were out cold. In your shoes I'd have called the cops.

 

I think as a minimum you should tell your bf and cut contact with Phil. I still strongly feel that you should be speaking to the police about this though.

[Cali408]

I don't believe you were raped.

 

You are naive however. Men and women don't sleep in the same bed if they're in a a relationship with someone else and even you were spooning.

 

You got drunk, be responsible for your actions. He was a scumbag for busting a move knowing you had a boyfriend.

 

However, throw alcohol in the mix, lying close to each other in bed, instead of facing away from one another on the far end of the bed, things can sometimes happen.

 

My advice, would be to just break the friendship, period. Learn your lesson about imbibing and who you share a bed with.

[introverted1]

 

i think i will not tell my bf what happened unless it gets out - it would make my life so much easier just to tell him today and not to have this horrible dark cloud over me/us but i would rather suffer myself than upset my bf. maybe if i work on making things better between us then i can tell him in a couple of months when we are in a better place to withstand something like this?

 

Sorry, OP, but I am calling BS on the bit bolded above.

 

It would not make your life easier if you were to tell your bf. If that were true, you would do it.

 

No one here can know for sure what happened. There are possibilities that range from consensual sex to rape and many places on the spectrum in between.

 

Regardless where on that spectrum this event falls, your bf has a right to know. I don't see how you can morally justify any other conclusion.

[olivetree]

I also don't think Phil raped you. I think his rapey tendencies wouldn't just be surfacing after 10 years but I do think that you can no longer be friends.

 

And I have noticed that cheating secrets always seem to make their way back to the one who was cheated on. It could start with something subtle... like your bf or other people notice you no longer hang out with Phil or seem to avoid him or act weird around him when you see him out and about. Talking starts.

 

Aside from the fact that it will likely come out, if you value honesty a lot, I think it will actually cause you psychological damage to hold such a secret inside. Guilt and fear are powerful. Your bf does have the right to know. Imagine if roles were reversed.

 

Just trying to get a better grasp of the situation here... does your bf know that you and Phil tend to share a bed? Do your bf and Phil like each other?

[bubblegum1234]

I also don't think Phil raped you. I think his rapey tendencies wouldn't just be surfacing after 10 years but I do think that you can no longer be friends.

 

And I have noticed that cheating secrets always seem to make their way back to the one who was cheated on. It could start with something subtle... like your bf or other people notice you no longer hang out with Phil or seem to avoid him or act weird around him when you see him out and about. Talking starts.

 

Aside from the fact that it will likely come out, if you value honesty a lot, I think it will actually cause you psychological damage to hold such a secret inside. Guilt and fear are powerful. Your bf does have the right to know. Imagine if roles were reversed.

 

Just trying to get a better grasp of the situation here... does your bf know that you and Phil tend to share a bed? Do your bf and Phil like each other?

 

Thanks for your comment. This is the first time i've shared a bed with phil since i've been with my boyfriend - he's pretty relaxed so dont think he would be bothered if i told him when i saw him (which i would have done - but havent since this incident has happened alongside it). they met each other through me and get on when they see each other which isnt too often - i prob see phil once every 6 or 8 weeks if that.

 

i am very worried that this will damage me - i am not a liar and have never kept anything from him before and im already struggling.

 

i'm going to see a therapist on wednesday next week so hopefully she will tell me what she thinks i should do (she knows a lot of the background of me and my bf and the troubles we've been having about me being insecure and anxious)

[LD1990]

i never called it rape (other people in this thread are). i didnt know what was going on and as he was behind me (spooning) i didnt see his face so thats also why i didnt react immediately. i went for an std check even though the whole thing lasted seconds as you can still be open to catching an std and i care about my boyfriends health and wouldnt want this ordeal to be any worse than what it is if i gave him something.

 

this opens the can of worms that my friend raped me when I don't want to call it that

 

You may not want to call it that, but you said your friend raped you.

 

Should you keep your mouth shut? No, you should tell your boyfriend. He deserves to know the type of girl he's with, if he doesn't already.

[Chi townD]

As you were intoxicated, sedated and asleep when this happened, this was technically rape as you did not consent.

You were in no fit state to consent.

 

- police video.

 

But, what if Phil was telling the truth. She states that they were partying so we can assume Phil was drunk too. What if she reached out to Phil first? Does that mean she sexually assaulted Phil and he just went along with what's going on?

 

Too many holes in this story.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks for your comment. This is the first time i've shared a bed with phil since i've been with my boyfriend - he's pretty relaxed so dont think he would be bothered if i told him when i saw him (which i would have done - but havent since this incident has happened alongside it). they met each other through me and get on when they see each other which isnt too often - i prob see phil once every 6 or 8 weeks if that.

 

i am very worried that this will damage me - i am not a liar and have never kept anything from him before and im already struggling.

 

i'm going to see a therapist on wednesday next week so hopefully she will tell me what she thinks i should do (she knows a lot of the background of me and my bf and the troubles we've been having about me being insecure and anxious)

 

First, although you claim your bf is 'pretty relaxed' and 'don't think he'll be bothered' by the fact that you sleep/slept with Phil, I doubt VERY much, the indecent and inappropriate incident aside, that he would be fine with you sleeping next to your male buddy in just a pair of panties and a t-shirt. It's one thing to fall asleep on the couch while binge watching The Walking Dead still fully clothed and another thing to strip down to your underwear WHILE you're dating another man. That was your first mistake, 'friendship' be damned.

 

Second, as someone who has been to therapy and worked through a mountain of demons and issues successfully, I'm pretty much a walking billboard for why I think everyone should be in therapy so good on you for going. I doubt very much any professional would recommend you keep this secret from your partner. Besides, any professional therapist worth one's salt would never tell you what to do! That's not there job and if they do, you need to reevaluate your choice in therapist.

 

As you pointed out, even if this secret never reared it's ugly head again, YOU will know and it will eat away at you. Trust me on this one. I can certainly promise you that the longer you go keeping this from him the worse it will be if and when he does find out...because he will...the truth always shows up one way or another.

 

I still think you need to own up to what happened and the part you played, cut off your friendship with Phil and deal with things head on.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle