ladydesigner Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 I have asked for a separation from my narcissistic H. Just would like hear other's experiences with this. I have expressed my want to leave this M many times only to be met with resistance from my H or will guilt me into staying. I am focused on getting out the easiest way possible for me and the kids, but I fear this is only the beginning of hell for me. What should I be concerned about and what should I expect? Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 Depends on the depth level of his narcissism to how bad it will get. From mine and my wife's personal experience both our ex's had grown to full blown. I had 3 small children at the time of the divorce and the hell continued for 17 years. My wife's ex is still frothing about it 19 years later, fortunity she didn't have kids with him. Of course he guilt you into doing what he wanted. You have to turn your listening off to their stuff. They will go to what ever next level will get them what they want. Even threatening you with the kids. Get your plans and personal stuff quietly put together. Meet with an Atty quietly for legal direction. Best advice I have seen is you run and run fast from these people and never look back. Don't get sucked into going back when you do finally escape the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted November 16, 2016 Author Share Posted November 16, 2016 Depends on the depth level of his narcissism to how bad it will get. From mine and my wife's personal experience both our ex's had grown to full blown. I had 3 small children at the time of the divorce and the hell continued for 17 years. My wife's ex is still frothing about it 19 years later, fortunity she didn't have kids with him. Of course he guilt you into doing what he wanted. You have to turn your listening off to their stuff. They will go to what ever next level will get them what they want. Even threatening you with the kids. Get your plans and personal stuff quietly put together. Meet with an Atty quietly for legal direction. Best advice I have seen is you run and run fast from these people and never look back. Don't get sucked into going back when you do finally escape the situation. My god this is frightening. These people are really sick 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted November 16, 2016 Author Share Posted November 16, 2016 I think the reason I was so scared of D was because I know how he acts and his manipulative tactics. It's all so upsetting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 I know several women who left narcs. Expect to have him not to want to give up his supply quickly. Often they will try all sorts of tactics to regain control. Be prepared for that and figure out your support system, escape plan, and anything else you may need. Most people I know who went through divorces were blocked and dragged out in the process so know that's a possibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 How is this different from any other divorce?? Are any divorces easy and painless and without effort or expense? You realize you do not have to have your H's approval and buy-in to divorce right? You can divorce him even though he doesn't want to and doesn't want to help you in getting the divorce. In fact I would say that in most divorces, there is one or the other of them that doesn't really want to do it. He can make it tougher by fighting everything and delaying signing things and missing deadlines and court appearances etc, but the bottom line is if you are determined to divorce and are willing to put in the time, effort and money into it, there isn't a thing he can really do to actually stop it. My suggestion is take the time and energy you are putting in to talking to him about it and trying to get his approval and cooperation for it, and just simply do it yourself without his approval or assistance. Unless you are living in some Muslim nation in the Mideast, he can't actually stop it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 Sure it's scary. But take heart because you gain your life and happiness back. Now I feel like I'm on vacation every single day and I'm one happy camper. I kick myself in the a*s for not pulling the trigger 10 yrs earlier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 How is this different from any other divorce?? IMO there is a difference. Usually women who are with narcs get their self esteem beaten down and they are used to questioning their reality. Often these become codependent relationships. So while logically you're right it's the same steps and she can walk away, many people on the other side are so used to seeking praise, approval, doubting themselves, etc. that it makes it more difficult for them. Also when leaving partners like this, it's the most dangerous. The narc usually will resort to a series of tactics to entice the person back or confuse them and regain control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 I feel for you, I have also been in the position you are in, you need to be prepared to be blamed for everything and the guilt will all be on you.... That is a given, you understand this and accept it as his view you will never change.... I would slowly detach from the need for approval from you, he will get it elsewhere if he doesn't get it from you... I would speak to a lawyer get your ducks in a row and plan very well so everything is taken care of before you move on. It is so hard dealing with someone who really doesn't care about you...it's all about what you give him .....I know how that feels.....it's like all that matters is what he wants and needs.... Narcissists are very good at detaching and cutting you out so expect it for you and the children if you have any..... You just keep telling yourself your life will be better after your free, Tell yourself you are worth the effort to endure whatever behaviour he uses to punish you.... Understand that is his problem not yours.. Understand he can't change.....doesn't want to, so it is up to you to take care of you.......... Use your support system. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 To anyone who says there leaving someone with an undiagnosed mental illness. You did them a favor! We're all mentally ill so before you say I am leaving this and that. Your setting those people free. Get over yourself and your education. Your not a mental health professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 This is fun. Don't read. Just talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Bad things can happen when you talk to much. You just may very well p the wrong person off. Let's not take that so personal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted November 17, 2016 Author Share Posted November 17, 2016 Cheryl11111111111111 um not sure what you are trying to say here My WH has been diagnosed by a professional. I didn't want to believe the professional 4 years ago! I do now. Link to post Share on other sites
clefairy Posted November 18, 2016 Share Posted November 18, 2016 5.5 months separated here from a narcissist. It's been a really tough journey, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. When we first initially split, it was ALL my fault. I wasn't trying hard enough, I was "abandoning" our marriage/animals, I caused his anger, and so many other things. He told me that therapy would just be the therapist and me making him look bad. It's sort of funny and it was all on me, not once did he take any accountability for his actions. I really believed him for a long time. The amount of guilt I went through, the second guessing myself, "Was it really that bad?" and so much more (because of his voice in my ear!!). My self confidence was SHOT because he constantly belittled every decision I ever made. I actually showed some of the texts to my therapist and he mentioned briefly for me to look up narcissism. It opened my eyes quite a bit. I would never be good enough for him, my happiness would never be his priority (his was mine), he would always tell me I "didn't deserve him" which I truly believed. I constantly fought to be better FOR him. I'm happy now, and my journey has just begun. Just remember that he will pull every manipulation tactic to make YOU feel bad about YOUR decision for YOUR happiness. He will be lovey, he will be mean, he will guilt trip, etc. Remember why you made the decision to walk away. Please message me if you ever need a listening ear.. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted November 18, 2016 Author Share Posted November 18, 2016 5.5 months separated here from a narcissist. It's been a really tough journey, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. When we first initially split, it was ALL my fault. I wasn't trying hard enough, I was "abandoning" our marriage/animals, I caused his anger, and so many other things. He told me that therapy would just be the therapist and me making him look bad. It's sort of funny and it was all on me, not once did he take any accountability for his actions. I really believed him for a long time. The amount of guilt I went through, the second guessing myself, "Was it really that bad?" and so much more (because of his voice in my ear!!). My self confidence was SHOT because he constantly belittled every decision I ever made. I actually showed some of the texts to my therapist and he mentioned briefly for me to look up narcissism. It opened my eyes quite a bit. I would never be good enough for him, my happiness would never be his priority (his was mine), he would always tell me I "didn't deserve him" which I truly believed. I constantly fought to be better FOR him. I'm happy now, and my journey has just begun. Just remember that he will pull every manipulation tactic to make YOU feel bad about YOUR decision for YOUR happiness. He will be lovey, he will be mean, he will guilt trip, etc. Remember why you made the decision to walk away. Please message me if you ever need a listening ear.. <3 Thank you yes he is already starting the blame and guilting. He says I have not put in any efforts these last 2 years since I discovered we were in False Reconciliation because of his 3 year A. He is saying he loves me and that I haven't given him a fair chance when I have given him many many chances. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Thank you yes he is already starting the blame and guilting. He says I have not put in any efforts these last 2 years since I discovered we were in False Reconciliation because of his 3 year A. He is saying he loves me and that I haven't given him a fair chance when I have given him many many chances. It's time to detach. You have a long and engrained habit of caring about what he thinks, what he says, and so forth. When married, you have a good reason (and a commitment) to figuring those things out. But now it's time to stop. No longer invest your time and efforts on whether he will agree or understand. You are going your way and he is going his. He can be rational or he can be crazy but the emotional impact on you is the same: none. I'm not saying you need to be rude about any of it. But what he thinks is no longer a concern of yours. Unless the children are under a legitmate threat of actual harm, what he does is his business and what you do is yours. You have to break a long standing habit. It takes practice. Link to post Share on other sites
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