Is it time that I file?

[tinydancer85]

My husband and I have married for 5 years, no children. We have been separated for the last 18 months. When we first separated he said he would be filing for divorce right away, but never did. He is living in our house and I moved back in with my parents. He wanted the separation. I never did. At first he just said it was because we were having problems (which we were) but then I found out he was seeing someone else. A few months ago, he told me their relationship wasn't working and they're only friends now. Throughout this time on 4 separate occasions he told me he wanted to work on things and each time I did. They all lasted about a week and each time he then said it wasn't going to work. I really want my marriage to work and I keep getting my hopes up because he keeps coming back. I don't want to be the one to file because this isn't what I want but all my family and friends are telling me its time to move on. They don't know what its like to go through this though. What do you all think? Is it time that I file?

[LancasterAmos1966]

I really want my marriage to work and I keep getting my hopes up because he keeps coming back.

 

I don't want to be the one to file because this isn't what I want but all my family and friends are telling me its time to move on.

 

I'm very sorry, tinydancer that you are facing the loss of your best friend, your lover, your beloved husband --- 18 months is a long time to live without him --- I commend you for faithfully waiting.

 

First of all, please don't let anyone, including family, pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

 

If you want to file divorce, that is your choice to make.

 

And if you want to remain faithful to your marriage vow, then that too is your choice to make.

 

My wife moved out 4 years ago, and we've basically been separated for 7 years ---- and we are still not divorced. I won't file, and she won't file. I'm not sure why she won't file, but my reason is because I must honor my "until-death-do-us-part" promise.

 

I'm not suggesting you do as I am doing; I'm just responding to say that you are not the only spouse who has lived a long time being estranged from your spouse.

 

I would never suggest you file divorce, but if you have no religious convictions like me, then my question would be "are you willing to wait another 5 years, or 25 years, or even 50 years?"

 

Maybe answering that will help you make a decision to keep waiting, or to visit a lawyer.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your marriage, it must be frustrating. I’m all for doing our best to keep the marriage together, and I think you shouldn’t give in to the pressures from your loved ones when you’re not willing to take this route. That said, it does look like your husband is very undecided and noncommittal, I would strongly suggest you seek the help of a counselor regarding your situation. Sending you hugs and prayers. Stay strong, okay?

[Mr. Lucky]

It's actually past time to file.

 

Sounds like your H began this affair while you were married, leading to the separation. Like many cheaters, he wants to keep you close as his Plan B while he test drives other relationships.

 

Give him what he says he wants, start the proceedings. You deserve better than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

First thing : never move out of the house. He wanted to separate, he should have been the one to move out , not you.

 

File for divorce. He is using the time to bang other women without going through the ugly process of divorce.

[tinydancer85]

First thing : never move out of the house. He wanted to separate, he should have been the one to move out , not you.

 

File for divorce. He is using the time to bang other women without going through the ugly process of divorce.

I agree that I never should have moved out. At the time he said he was filing for divorce and putting the house up for sale immediately. I was so depressed that I thought it was better for me to be around my family than all alone in our house where I would be surrounded by memories. Looking back I think he bullied me into it. I haven't lived with my parents since high school and I feel bad having imposed on them for the last year and a half.

[tinydancer85]

I'm very sorry, tinydancer that you are facing the loss of your best friend, your lover, your beloved husband --- 18 months is a long time to live without him --- I commend you for faithfully waiting.

 

First of all, please don't let anyone, including family, pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

 

If you want to file divorce, that is your choice to make.

 

And if you want to remain faithful to your marriage vow, then that too is your choice to make.

 

My wife moved out 4 years ago, and we've basically been separated for 7 years ---- and we are still not divorced. I won't file, and she won't file. I'm not sure why she won't file, but my reason is because I must honor my "until-death-do-us-part" promise.

 

I'm not suggesting you do as I am doing; I'm just responding to say that you are not the only spouse who has lived a long time being estranged from your spouse.

 

I would never suggest you file divorce, but if you have no religious convictions like me, then my question would be "are you willing to wait another 5 years, or 25 years, or even 50 years?"

 

Maybe answering that will help you make a decision to keep waiting, or to visit a lawyer.

Thank you for your response. I should have included in my original post that I am very strong in my faith and want to honor my vows. I have always said I would never get a divorce. On the other hand I desperately want children. I am 31 so I know I have time but the thought of waiting another 5-10 years and never becoming a mother is very painful.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I agree that I never should have moved out. At the time he said he was filing for divorce and putting the house up for sale immediately. I was so depressed that I thought it was better for me to be around my family than all alone in our house where I would be surrounded by memories. Looking back I think he bullied me into it. I haven't lived with my parents since high school and I feel bad having imposed on them for the last year and a half.

 

 

What is done, is already done. You acted upon what you thought was best. You were emotionally hurting, so you did what was best at the time.

 

My parents gladly helped me through the process of losing my wife -- through the sunshine and the rain, it's an opportunity for parents to help their children through a rough time. That's why God made families --- so we can be strong together and help each other for a lifetime.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I should have included in my original post that I am very strong in my faith and want to honor my vows.

 

 

Personally, I don't agree with filing divorce for any reason, BUT, I also don't agree with putting your life on hold. Even when we lose our spouse, or dreams are not realized, we can still live out a full life.

 

Paul was put into prison, and wrote many books of the New Testament.

 

Fanny Crosby went blind at an early age, but went on to write thousands of hymns; many churches still sing the songs that she wrote.

 

I'm not downplaying your hurt --- your loss is real, my loss is real too.

 

But as people of faith, we are always drawn to verses like Romans 8:28: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

 

I'm not 100 percent in agreement with their teachings, but there are ministries that offer hope and encouragement to the spouse that desire to honor their marriage vow even when it is not convenient.

 

Google these 3 ministries for more information:

 

Covenant Keepers

 

Rejoice Marriage Ministries

 

Faith and Marriage Ministries

[Popsicle]

I think if you are asking, rather than just doing, then you are probably not ready to move on. So, no.

[charliegirl816]

You're in a difficult place. Marriage counseling is so important for your mental health. Working with a female Christian counselor can help you work through what you're dealing with. If you want to try and save your marriage when the counselor can help you. You can only be accountable for yourself and learn what part you played in the breakdown of the marriage. Pray for wisdom and discernment and that He will work on his heart. Take it one day at a time.

[Arieswoman]

tinydancer85,

I am sorry you are in this position but you can change this if you want.

 

Throughout this time on 4 separate occasions he told me he wanted to work on things and each time I did. They all lasted about a week and each time he then said it wasn't going to work.

 

This is no less than emotional cruelty/abuse on the part of your husband. These are known as "false reconciliations" designed to keep you on the hook until he decides what to do on his timescale. Don't tolerate it any more.

 

If he truly wanted to reconcile he would be making every effort to do so. He isn't. He's trying on other women for size while he keeps you as Plan B.

 

Please get legal advice ASAP and take control of your life.

 

Good luck x

[tinydancer85]

tinydancer85,

I am sorry you are in this position but you can change this if you want.

 

 

 

This is no less than emotional cruelty/abuse on the part of your husband. These are known as "false reconciliations" designed to keep you on the hook until he decides what to do on his timescale. Don't tolerate it any more.

 

If he truly wanted to reconcile he would be making every effort to do so. He isn't. He's trying on other women for size while he keeps you as Plan B.

 

Please get legal advice ASAP and take control of your life.

 

Good luck x

 

The false reconciliations are getting harder. He said he wanted to spend Thanksgiving together and that he was done with the OW. We had a long conversation and he told me everything that had happened between them and I told him I was still willing to work on our marriage. We had what I thought was a great holiday and I even spent the week at our home. Today I just found out he started talking to her again. I am in counseling and have tried to get him to go with me but he refuses. I've thought about filing to scare him into making a decision but I'm afraid he would just go along with it. I know he doesn't want to hand over any of "his" money or sell the house or anything though. I just don't know how to get him to get her out of our lives for good.

[MJJean]

The false reconciliations are getting harder. He said he wanted to spend Thanksgiving together and that he was done with the OW. We had a long conversation and he told me everything that had happened between them and I told him I was still willing to work on our marriage. We had what I thought was a great holiday and I even spent the week at our home. Today I just found out he started talking to her again. I am in counseling and have tried to get him to go with me but he refuses. I've thought about filing to scare him into making a decision but I'm afraid he would just go along with it. I know he doesn't want to hand over any of "his" money or sell the house or anything though. I just don't know how to get him to get her out of our lives for good.

 

He's been playing this game for more than a year and a half. He's enjoying having two women doing the "Pick me!" dance and it's nice to have you around for when things get bumpy with her. In other words, he's using you for ego kibbles and to provide him with company and sex when OW is doing whatever she does with whoever she does it.

 

The ONLY way to get her out of your life for good is to divorce him.

 

File. Please. At this rate, your fertile years are going to pass you by. Meanwhile, he'll still be able to have children with the current OW or the next OW.

 

You're 31. At 35, women's fertility declines and the risks of miscarriage, maternal-fetal complications, and birth defects begins to rise. At that age, pregnancies are automatically classified as "high risk" and are medically referred to as "geriatric pregnancies". At 40, fertility declines even further and the risks to both mother and baby increase as does the risk of miscarriage and birth defect.

 

It takes time to meet a partner, become engaged, get married, conceive, carry, birth the child, and heal before having another. So, if you want to become a mother you're going to need to stop waiting around for your husband to get himself sorted one way or the other.

 

PS

 

Touch cookies if he doesn't want to sell the house. He should have thought about that before he left you for another woman.

[Mr. Lucky]

T We had what I thought was a great holiday and I even spent the week at our home. Today I just found out he started talking to her again. .

 

At this point TD, it's all on you. He's given you plenty of insight into who he is and what kind of partner you can expect him to be - zero on a 1 to 10 scale.

 

Why you'd even consider being a three-time loser with him is beyond me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Peach]

FWIW, instead of separating I filed immediately. I know it was done. IMO it's time to get it over with. If you want to move on and have kids, I don't see what's wrong with drawing the line in the sand and start moving on with your own life. There's no reason to be his backup plan.

[vla1120]

Tinydancer, I applaud your commitment to your vows. That being said, you deserve better, and so do your future children. When you think about it, is this the man you want fathering your children? Will you be able to rely on him to stick around and be a good father and family man? Based on what you have revealed about him, I don't think he is up to the challenge. You deserve better. Take care of yourself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tinydancer, I guess you find yourself between a rock and a hard place at the moment. You have an untenable marriage on the one hand and a faith which makes you desist from filing for divorce from your no good husband. I don't know if you accept it but your marriage is dead as a dodo. Remember it takes two to tango and if your partner is unwilling you can't dance( sorry for the play on words but I mean it). I do not think any religion, if you look deeply into it, will expect you to be tied to a partner who has deserted you because that is what your husband has done.

 

I wonder how old he is and also what were the circumstances in which you met? You have said that you have been married for 5 years which makes you 26 years old at the time. Well you were certainly old enough and mature enough to know what you were doing so I would assume that your husband appeared in a different light to you at the time. Did you date him for a while before marriage and if so for how long? If you give us some more information about the circumstances in which you met him and fell in love then maybe we could better appreciate your situation. I also wonder, if you were so keen to start a family, why you did not get in the family way during the three and a half years you were living together? Was your husband on board with your desire for a family? You have mentioned problems but given no details. What were these problems?

Have you considered having your eggs stored cryogenically just in case you reach an age where you cannot conceive in case of delayed marriage if you do divorce your current husband. That would be an insurance for you to be able to fulfill your desire. Lastly I would say just take the plunge, be hard nosed about it and divorce your good for nothing husband as of yesterday. Warm wishes.