Falling for my male friend, and I believe he does too? (while I have a boyfriend)

[EllyLeigh]

I’m 24 and my good male friend is 30. I have a boyfriend for 4 years, he has a girlfriend for a few months but I guess that’s still without exclusiveness (because he already cheated on her with 2 other girls)

 

Me and my friend have the most lovely relationship, we respect each other a lot and have so much fun together. Lately I have gotten more feelings for hi, above friendship. My boyfriend, that I also love a lot, knows this because I’ve always been honest with him about everything. (me and my boyfriend love each other a lot but have been not very good for over a year and are discussing to break) I have also told my friend that I started to like him in another way, and he responded smiling saying “I’m surprised, I didn’t know, you are so lovely and cute but I don’t see you in a romantic way”. One month has passed since I’ve told him that, but since that exact day he has become SO much closer to me and tries to see me more instead of less. Now I’m trying to read by his behavior if he lied and actually does like me than more than a friend. In general he is a very touchy person, hugs a lot with his close female friends or squeezes their cheeks, but in a very sweet way, not flirty. With me he is like that too, but lately we’ve been seeing a lot of movies with friends together, and at each movie we end up sitting next to each other and he takes my hand and interlocks his fingers with mine, for the whole period of the movie! (our friends saw it too) It was the sweetest thing, stroking my hands, arms and fingers for at least 1 hour. During the movies he always has another girl on his left side (he had sex with her recently but we are all friends and she didn’t know I have some feelings for him) but he never ever takes her hand, always mine. He also plays a lot with my ponytail lately, every time he sits next to me at home or sits behind me in the car. Now, last week at the movie we were alone at his house and we were holding hands again with interlocked fingers. He often strokes my legs and feet too but this time his hands were on my upper legs and I didn’t like it because I would never want to encourage any sexual behavior while I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend. But…without me having to say anything his hand left my upper leg again and he just took my hand and it was all sweet again. After the movie I asked him if I should worry about his hand being on my upper leg and he made a weird face saying “If I wanted to do something I would have done it” Then I asked “Why are you holding my hand, what does that mean?” I made him clear that’s not a normal thing for “friends” to do and in my opinion that stands for something much more, and a deep connection. He said “yes - we are friends, it’s a sign of affection and it makes me feel good, and we do have a deep connection, but I don’t think we have to show love only to boy and girlfriends because people don’t show their love enough”. I reminded him I also have a boyfriend and would not cross the line, but I felt guilty with those hands. (I am always very honest about everything to both my boyfriend + him) and we just sat there in a hugging position for a bit, while he whispered in my ear that he appreciate how honest I am and that I’m a little angel. I also told him then that I think he lies about how he really feels about me because actions matter more than words, and that he has to clear his head because I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants. He kind of smiled then but didn’t answer on that. Now….from all the above, I would like your opinion if you believe that he actually does have feelings for me, or he sees me as his cute little puppy friend. Maybe he just never made a sexual move to me because I have a boyfriend (they are also friends) but I like how he never tried that while still showing a lot of affection to me. He respects me. Note: obviously he is a bit manipulative too towards his “new girlfriend” because he already cheated on her twice, but otherwise, his sweet interaction with his other female friends is very generous. What makes the situation very messed up is that everybody involved in this story are friends.

[whichwayisup]

This guy is NOT your friend, if he was, he wouldn't be pulling the flirting game with you, he'd have respect and keep the friendship clean and platonic or he'd distance himself from you. Fact is, now he knows you're into him, has told you he doesn't feel the same way, yet he is flirting with you and making you feel gushy about him - ALL ABOUT HIM and his ego. He also isn't a 'friend' to your boyfriend if he's doing this behind his back.

 

He is going to hurt you badly and one day you'll regret getting close, he's gonna turn on you and bail out, ruining your life, all the meanwhile you've had a great boyfriend who loves you...You'll be hurting and betraying him. End it now with your boyfriend, no point in putting him through your choice in spending more time and investing in another man. It's not fair to him all. You're not focused on your four year relationship.

 

Really think about what it is you're getting from this other man who has a girlfriend and has already cheated on her twice. He's not trustworthy. Even worse that this guy is a friend of YOUR boyfriend ... That's double betrayal. Something your boyfriend will be devastated about, when he finds out you two have become way too close.

 

If you're not feeling it for your bf anymore, break up with him.

[spideywoman]

to me it's pretty clear he has no feelings whatsoever for you _ and by that i mean friendship as well. no respect, either. from what you've written, he has objectified you and unfortunately you're no different or any more special than the other girls he's hanging around with. no, he hasn't not approached you because you have a BF _ you said yourself he has "cheated" on his GFs so i can't expect him to establish boundaries now. he doesn't admit to feelings because he doesn't have them and he has told you that. he's old enough to know the difference. he's just flirting, playing around. you can engage in it (comments on your BF coming later) but don't expect anything more because you won't get it. as the previous poster said, you'll just be hurt and your BF will also be hurt.

 

as for your BF, have you really not been getting along and talking about splitting up or are you just saying that to justify having feelings for this other guy? figure out your relationship first. if you think your relationship is salvageable, focus on it. if not, move on. don't put your BF on the back burner until someone "better" comes along. it's not fair to him or you. it's OK to not have those feelings for him anymore _ you just have to own up to him and come clean, set him, and yourself, free first before jumping into something else. and hopefully it won't be with this other guy.

 

good luck to you. keep us posted.

Edited November 17, 2016 by spideywoman

[doyathinkso]

"he has a girlfriend for a few months but I guess that’s still without exclusiveness (because he already cheated on her with 2 other girls)"

 

Yeah he sure sounds like a real keeper!!

[EllyLeigh]

Thank you very much for your comments everybody! Some thoughts about your comments (and would love to hear your opinion about my reaction on them)

 

to me it's pretty clear he has no feelings whatsoever for you _ and by that i mean friendship as well. no respect, either. he has objectified you and unfortunately you're no different or any more special than the other girls he's hanging around with.

but we are doing a lot of hiking and outdoor activities together and its always great fun and laughing, without touching. I guess its friendship upto a certain level, but he doesn't know how/ or wants to respect boundaries.

 

he doesn't admit to feelings because he doesn't have them and he has told you that.

Probably he thought he could easily get the affection he needs with me since he knows I like him so I would give him that. However...reminding of how he lies and manipulates, and the mess his head is, he is a person who still has feeling so I guess there also is the possibility he actually does have them for me? I can't get over why somebody would interlock fingers and stroke a girls hand for 1 hour if no feelings are involved. Even for manipulators that goes too far. Is it not?

 

as for your BF, have you really not been getting along and talking about splitting up or are you just saying that to justify having feelings for this other guy?

No its not because of my "friend" that me and my boyfriend are in an uncertain situation now. We are still loving each other a lot but its mainly me, that I don't know what I want and it's happened before that I got attractions to other guys and that makes me believe I should maybe not be in a relationship right now, until I've made up my own mind first. This uncertain behavior of me started about 2 years after we were in a relationship.

[notmyselfnow]

You are already cheating on your boyfriend, you just haven't actually had sex yet.

 

No, this guy is not your friend, and no, he's not sweet. He's grooming you for sex and seeing how far he can go. And he IS after sex, and only sex. That's patently obvious.

 

Do the right thing and break up with your boyfriend now. If you stay, you're clearly going to get physical with this "friend" and that's going to destroy your boyfriend. If after you break up, you're still interested in being a sexual conquest and toy for this friend of yours and are okay with screwing over another woman who thinks he is being faithful, then by all means, go for it.

[anika99]

With me he is like that too, but lately we’ve been seeing a lot of movies with friends together, and at each movie we end up sitting next to each other and he takes my hand and interlocks his fingers with mine, for the whole period of the movie! (our friends saw it too) It was the sweetest thing, stroking my hands, arms and fingers for at least 1 hour. During the movies he always has another girl on his left side (he had sex with her recently but we are all friends and she didn’t know I have some feelings for him) but he never ever takes her hand, always mine. He also plays a lot with my ponytail lately, every time he sits next to me at home or sits behind me in the car. Now, last week at the movie we were alone at his house and we were holding hands again with interlocked fingers. He often strokes my legs and feet too but this time his hands were on my upper legs and I didn’t like it because I would never want to encourage any sexual behavior while I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend.

 

are you for real? If you love your bf and want to keep him then you will stop playing your game. You don't need to know if this guy likes you as more than a friend and you didn't need to tell him that you have feelings for him. You are orchestrating this drama yourself. If you don't want to be with your bf anymore then break up with him and see if your friend wants to date you. If you don't want to break up with your bf then cut this nonsense out. You don't let a male friend spend hours stroking you and holding your hand and then pretend to be innocent.

[spideywoman]

I think he’s pretty smart and suave and knows what he’s doing. he’s not respecting boundaries because he doesn’t want to but i believe he's aware of them. Another poster used the word “grooming” and I think that’s spot on. At the moment he sees you as someone “to have,” another notch in his belt, if you will. Whether it’s a sexual notch he’s after or not I don’t know but I can guarantee his intentions aren’t pure or friendly.

 

As for his having feelings, I still say he doesn’t. Not the rights ones, anyway. As you go through life you’ll see that many people do a lot of things besides interlocking fingers when they feel 'nothing' and are trying to achieve a goal _ whatever that goal may be in this case (I’m thinking sex.) he knows you like him and he’s “playing” you. it’s a form of manipulation, yes. Manipulators aren’t evil people with unredeemable traits and it doesn’t mean they’re constantly manipulative. They can be like me and you. I can be manipulative and I’m sure you can, too. Manipulation basically means maneuvering something to reach a desired outcome. that’s what he’s doing.

 

And thanks for answering my question. it’s a good idea to let your BF go if you'er having doubts. Your heart and your mind aren’t in it. So before you cause him (more) harm, cut him loose. you're young and have many adventures to look forward to.

[EllyLeigh]

No, this guy is not your friend, and no, he's not sweet. He's grooming you for sex and seeing how far he can go. And he IS after sex, and only sex. That's patently obvious.

 

I'm not going to get physical with him while he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend, and even if we both didn't had a partner I would never give someone "just" sex. Just can't understand that if he really wants sex why he didn't try and just go for it...like when his hand was on my leg, he took it away instead of going further up. With the other girls there was sex and kisses within seconds. Of course he was probably still playing around with me but I'm not so sure he had bad intentions about it. I can see he cares a lot about me and told me sometimes he loves me and I'm special to him. We've been friends for 2 years, almost together every day, and he's always been very protective and affectionate towards me. Only this last month since I told him I liked him a bit this hand holding and close behavior has started. What is this supposed to mean? Would like your opinion.

[notmyselfnow]

I'm not going to get physical with him while he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend, and even if we both didn't had a partner I would never give someone "just" sex. Just can't understand that if he really wants sex why he didn't try and just go for it...like when his hand was on my leg, he took it away instead of going further up. With the other girls there was sex and kisses within seconds. Of course he was probably still playing around with me but I'm not so sure he had bad intentions about it. I can see he cares a lot about me and told me sometimes he loves me and I'm special to him. We've been friends for 2 years, almost together every day, and he's always been very protective and affectionate towards me. Only this last month since I told him I liked him a bit this hand holding and close behavior has started. What is this supposed to mean? Would like your opinion.

 

I'm starting to suspect that perhaps you're a troll. You can't really be this naive.

 

Now you're saying that he tells you he loves you, and you still think you're not cheating on your boyfriend? How would your boyfriend feel about hearing that? How would this slimeball's girlfriend feel?

 

I can tell you exactly what this behavior means: HE WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS. That is the clear and simple truth. There is nothing special to him about you - if there were, he wouldn't have a girlfriend and multiple affairs all the while working on you. He is not your friend. You are a game to him - a conquest.

 

I can also tell you what the likely scenario is here. You will have sex with him, you'll describe it as not being able to help yourself because of the amazing connection you two have. He may or may not keep you around on the side a bit for fun until you get tiresome or ask for too much and he dumps you. Your boyfriend may or may not find out, at which point he will be horribly hurt and betrayed.

 

Look - if you want to keep playing these silly games with this guy then at least break up with your boyfriend. Then you're free and clear to make horrible choices without hurting him in the process.