I can't make sense of this - is it over (dad with 2 yr old daughter)

[amiasingledad]

Hello all,

 

 

I find myself in a horrible situation best described as limbo.

 

In basic summary, my partner of 17 years left 4 months ago, taking our 2 yrd old daughter with her.

 

The relationship was on rocky ground for a good while, mainly because of social anxiety issues I had and the impact it was having on normal life.

 

I was working hard, but basically left my partner to do all the work with the baby, and it was too much for her alone.

 

Added to that, I couldn't be close or loving due to issues and our only meaningful connection was through sex. We did go on days out, taking baby etc but in 18 months, never had a single night to ourselves or went out alone, without baby.

 

Since she has left, I have gone to therapy, cbt, self help books, lots of things and this has not been to get her back but to change myself for the better. Her leaving was the motivation I needed to overcome my issues.

 

I am still working on myself.

 

In the 4 months I have not been able to give her space, constantly messaging her and asking her if there is any chance of reconciliation etc.

 

Our only contact is when we hand over our baby every other day (50 50 access).

 

She says she doesn't know how she feels, if theres any chance of trying again, if she wants to end things etc - all vague and non committal.

 

She wont go to couples therapy, even to assess things and see if there is scope for reconciliation or not.

 

She is currently living with her mums, but will be finding her own property soon, again no consideration of moving back home with our daughter.

 

So, my question is to any relationship experts out there, what is going on.

 

I now I am being strung along, but even when I have said lets be straight and face the ineveitable, she has backed out of confirming its over for good.

 

We don't have any relationship at all at present, she never wants to talk or spend any time with me, so in effect is over and I am realistic about that.

 

But I wonder even if she moves to her own house, will she ever come back or is that the final stage for her to start a new life

 

I am desperate to try again, make all the changes needed to put things right, but she refuses to give me that platform.

 

So, can anyone please help me make sense of all this.

 

 

Kind regards

[Marc878]

If you chase or pursue you Will push her further away. Your current actions are the worst thing you can do.

 

I doubt you'll listen but.....,

[amiasingledad]

If you chase or pursue you Will push her further away. Your current actions are the worst thing you can do.

 

I doubt you'll listen but.....,

 

 

I have been told countless times and I have pushed her further away.

 

 

I know I must stop but I feel like I am fighting for my family, fighting for my daughter to have a family together.

 

 

Can you tell me how to stop? Is it too late, has my pleading and pressure gone too far?

[LancasterAmos1966]

Can you tell me how to stop? Is it too late, has my pleading and pressure gone too far?

 

Losing a beloved spouse is very hard -- and being in limbo is not a fun place to be. You are right: It's horrible.

 

 

I fought for my marriage for a long time --- but I eventually realized that "fighting" for my marriage is more selfishness than love.

 

We fight because we do not want to lose someone that we love.

 

Nothing wrong with making sure your spouse wants space; but once they move out, their intentions are very clear.

 

So, if you truly love her, you will let her go.

 

That is what she wants --- she wants to be free right now, and you are pestering her.

 

How can you stop??

 

I'd suggest appointing a neutral person to handle all communication between you and her. Of course it's inconvenient, but you must do something drastic since you are not stopping on your own. You've been told "countless times" and still won't stop. So please, for her sanity AND yours, stop it.

 

Have you gone too far? No one really knows; she might not even know the answer to that. But don't worry about that for now. You need to give her the space she has requested.

 

You have a 2 year old daughter that needs a great dad in her life --- so get an action plan in place and begin to make some progress beginning today.

[amiasingledad]

Losing a beloved spouse is very hard -- and being in limbo is not a fun place to be. You are right: It's horrible.

 

 

I fought for my marriage for a long time --- but I eventually realized that "fighting" for my marriage is more selfishness than love.

 

We fight because we do not want to lose someone that we love.

 

Nothing wrong with making sure your spouse wants space; but once they move out, their intentions are very clear.

 

So, if you truly love her, you will let her go.

 

That is what she wants --- she wants to be free right now, and you are pestering her.

 

How can you stop??

 

I'd suggest appointing a neutral person to handle all communication between you and her. Of course it's inconvenient, but you must do something drastic since you are not stopping on your own. You've been told "countless times" and still won't stop. So please, for her sanity AND yours, stop it.

 

Have you gone too far? No one really knows; she might not even know the answer to that. But don't worry about that for now. You need to give her the space she has requested.

 

You have a 2 year old daughter that needs a great dad in her life --- so get an action plan in place and begin to make some progress beginning today.

 

 

 

 

Thankyou so much for your post - I do love her more than anything, and after such a long time together 17 years, and our daughter, it feels letting her go is like saying goodbye to myself, she feels such a big part of me.

 

 

I know this is what she wants and her life is not mine to direct or impede.

 

 

On that basis, I have just ended things with her, I have in essence, set her free and told her to forget about my arguments for reconciliation.

 

 

I owe her so much and the best thing I can do for her is to surrender my wants, accept her will and let her go with love and respect.

 

 

I hold no animosity towards her, only admiration and love.

 

 

As for our baby, she will get the best version of me I have ever been, and maybe her mum will be the bester version too if she can find happiness away from our old relationship.

 

 

Thanks again.

 

 

I had reached that conclusion myself but was clinging on for my own sake and the hope of providing our daughter with a family environment.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I hold no animosity towards her, only admiration and love.

 

Wow, this is the way to set a spouse free!!

 

Be thankful for the 17 years she shared rather than hating her for the years you won't get.

 

You have a great attitude.

 

I cried for a long time but I had to set my wife of 20+ years free -- so you are among men and women that know how it feels to lose a beloved spouse.

 

Continue to respect your wife/partner, and your recovery will be genuine --- and even though you probably can't be friends with her, you must be friendly & respectful.

 

No cursing, no threats, no name-calling. That just shows you really want to own her like a piece of property. Keep the tissues nearby, stop pestering her, and start to live life again.

 

And here's my pep-talk: You can eat out, go away, stay home, make a meal, visit friends, enjoy your daughter and live a great life --- all without her.

 

No, it wasn't your game plan for this to happen, but it happened. You will be ok. I'm not kidding.....if I can make it, you can too.

[LancasterAmos1966]

it feels letting her go is like saying goodbye to myself, she feels such a big part of me[/Quote]

 

 

It's called unbonding. And no matter if you were together 6 months or 60 years, the emotional pain is the same.

 

Your wife/partner needed to unbond too. She did it over the past few months/years.....and she is most likely still not 100 percent unbonded from you. That is where it can be confusing.

 

For instance, she might even buy you a gift in the future, but this should not be taken as her desire to start a relationship back up with you.

 

And talking about gifts -- part of giving her space is not bombarding her with gifts and claims that you love her.

 

Buy something simple, that she can use with her child --- like a $20 McDonalds gift card.

 

 

 

On that basis, I have just ended things with her, I have in essence, set her free and told her to forget about my arguments for reconciliation.

 

Your resolve is to be commended BUT you have failed in the past so you will need to be serious about letting go. Don't beat yourself up over your failure in the past -- but begin today with a resolve to truly respect her.

 

As you take steps toward letting go, it will become easier as the weeks move forward.

 

Try some things to help you let go. For example, write her letters, but DO NOT send them to her. Small things like this will allow you to "connect" with her, but you will not be intruding into her personal freedom.

 

When you go to contact her, always ask if the contact is necessary and is it respecting her personal freedom.

 

If you told a neighbor to stop pounding on your front door every day at 3am....but they refused to stop because they really, really like you.....um, I think you'd be fairly angry by the 2nd or 3rd morning.

 

Don't bother telling your wife how much you love her by knocking on her door --- instead, show her how much you really love her by stopping the unnecessary contact, gifts, cards, texts, emails, etc.

[amiasingledad]

Lancasteramos, thankyou so much for your kind reply.

 

 

I have to say, these past four months have been the hardest, most soul destroying times of my life.

 

 

I am constantly feeling guilt, regret, grief, loss and aside from being totally in love with my ex, I am ashamed and feel like a failure to my daughter.

 

 

It was my behaviour and mental health issues that have caused all this, and after just embarking on the adventure of having a family, I have ruined it all for all three of us.

 

 

The only things I can find comfort in, is that my ex will hopefully go on and find happiness and fulfilment she lacked during times in our relationship - I have no will to impose my own desire to fix things on her anymore.

 

 

Truth be told, she is hurt and damaged by these events, but has picked herself and is moving on with her life.

 

 

You are right, it certainly wasn't in my plan, the reality I am now facing is that my has been dramatically impoverished and broken by all of this.

 

 

But I cannot make my ex responsible for my happiness, that has to come from me and its her life to live as she wants to. The fact she doesn't want to share life with me is very distressing, but I had my chance, and over a long period of time, I blew it. That's not her fault, or anyone's but mine.

 

 

So, its time to be a man about this whole thing, accept (truly accept) this is my life and make the best of it.

 

 

Again, thanks for your kind words, I hope in time I do find things easier, and embrace the good things I have, but I suspect, I will never fully recover from this loss.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Lancasteramos, thankyou so much for your kind reply.

 

 

I have to say, these past four months have been the hardest, most soul destroying times of my life.

Well, I'm glad that I could say something to encourage you. My darkest time was from month 3 to month 6. And it was over the holidays --- Oct, Nov, Dec --- which made the pit seem even deeper. You are not crazy; the feelings are normal.

 

 

 

I am constantly feeling guilt, regret, grief, loss and aside from being totally in love with my ex, I am ashamed and feel like a failure to my daughter.

 

 

It was my behaviour and mental health issues that have caused all this, and after just embarking on the adventure of having a family, I have ruined it all for all three of us.

Now, this is where I have to once again say STOP!! You did the best you could. Maybe you blew it, that really doesn't matter. I'm not applauding any bad behavior you had in the past, but really, we all know that you can't go back and relive yesterday.

 

So, stop the negative talk. If you were my best friend, I'd call you a knucklehead, say I told you so, but then I'd give you a bearhug and say we will get through this.

 

The kind of speech you are saying is what drives people to jump off a bridge. If you ever get any thoughts like that, call 911 or your emergency number right away.

 

You will heal.

Your wife will heal.

You can go forward and live a great life.

 

Talking like you ruined yourself or her for a lifetime is complete nonsense.

 

For a thousand reasons, you did not treat her the way she wanted/needed to be treated. 17 years ago, you did not set out to hurt her. Be honest about the situation.

 

You hurt her, so she left.

 

Ok --- so now she can heal, and you can too. Don't go exaggerating on yourself or her acting like this "hurt" is for a lifetime.

 

 

 

The only things I can find comfort in, is that my ex will hopefully go on and find happiness and fulfilment she lacked during times in our relationship - I have no will to impose my own desire to fix things on her anymore.

 

 

Truth be told, she is hurt and damaged by these events, but has picked herself and is moving on with her life.

Wait, you can find comfort in a lot more than just that.

 

You probably made some bad choices, but please, enough of the negative talk. There are plenty of positives that I can see:

 

You experienced life together for 17 years --- that is comforting.

You have a daughter together -- that is comforting.

You can begin a new chapter of life today --- that is comforting.

 

 

 

 

You are right, it certainly wasn't in my plan, the reality I am now facing is that my has been dramatically impoverished and broken by all of this.

 

 

But I cannot make my ex responsible for my happiness, that has to come from me and its her life to live as she wants to. The fact she doesn't want to share life with me is very distressing, but I had my chance, and over a long period of time, I blew it. That's not her fault, or anyone's but mine.

Ok, that is great that you accept responsibility for whatever you did wrong.

 

But on the same hand, I hesitate to believe that you were 110 percent wrong in this relationship. I'm not sure if you are married or not. But even if you did not go through the marriage process, 17 years is a long time to just walk away from.

 

I'm not bragging, but my wife walked away from a great husband AND our 6 kids. On her way out the door, she was accusing me of "hurting" her....yeah, ok, whatever, tell me another joke.

 

So I have proof that some spouses are just tired of being married or having extra responsibility.

 

Until I would know all of the story, I'm thinking she was looking for a reason to begin a new chapter of life. And whatever you did, allowed her to feel good about leaving.

 

I've read too many stories of where the departing spouse just wants out of the relationship. But instead of being honest about their feelings, they actually begin arguments, they make demands of the other spouse that are not realistic, etc.

 

I was pretty naive 10 years ago. I thought a spouse left only because they were genuinely mistreated. Yes, mistreatment is a big reason for spouses to leave BUT it is not the only reason. There are times when you could be a great husband/wife, and they would still leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, its time to be a man about this whole thing, accept (truly accept) this is my life and make the best of it.

 

 

Again, thanks for your kind words, I hope in time I do find things easier, and embrace the good things I have, but I suspect, I will never fully recover from this loss.

Good for you.

 

Be man enough to cry when you must.

Be man enough to never hurt her intentionally in any way.

Be man enough to move forward in a new chapter of life.

 

I will recover....say that out-loud a few times every day.

 

You will fully recover!! If you go through the 5 steps of grieving without getting stuck in one of the stages, you will fully recover. (Google the 5 steps of grieving for more information. Your wife/partner did not die, but your marriage/relationship did. So you still need to grieve that loss.)

 

Those stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

Your goal is Acceptance. Don't get stuck in any of the other 4 stages.

 

Listen, I can't even date or think about remarrying until my estranged wife is no longer living --- so um, if I can fully recover and enjoy life once again, I'm very certain you can too.

Edited November 17, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Marc878]

I have been told countless times and I have pushed her further away.

 

 

I know I must stop but I feel like I am fighting for my family, fighting for my daughter to have a family together.

 

 

Can you tell me how to stop? Is it too late, has my pleading and pressure gone too far?

 

You can't make her do anything. You need to realize that your actions of being needy and pushing are harmful at this time. Use the time to work on and fix yourself for you and your future.

[amiasingledad]

Thankyou so much for your replies,

 

 

In terms of the 5 stages of grief, I have definitely passed the bargaining bit, having showered her with gifts and flowers. I realise now it was all a form of bribery or some way of saying look how much I love you.

 

 

I feel anger and resent she hasn't been honest at times since she left and has no intention of allowing me closure - I have had to speculate on why she has left and analzyed my faults extensively, but she hasn't claimed responsibility for any part in the demise of our relationship.

 

 

Im also angry she has put herself before our daughter, I know its better in the long run to be separated if she couldn't be with me and happy, but it feels like she hasn't given things a chance. I always thought relationships need work during bad times and families pull together to work through problems. She has just run from any form of family commitment to myself and our daughter who will now grow up divided.

 

 

I still have moments of denial, still imagine her coming back, but this is more down to the fact she has been unwilling to end things fully and has repeatedly said she doesn't know how she feels about fixing things - it is only when I look at her actions (no meaningful contact or communication) that I see she has not intention to try again.

 

 

I am depressed, I feel very low and struggle to focus on anything. I have been practising mindfulness and meditation but this only brings light relief.

It has opened my eyes to accepting thoughts and emotions, instead of fighting with them, I welcome them and observe how thoughts bring about physical sensations and trigger emotions (eg, feelings of despair in the pit of my stomach).

 

 

Dr Kristen Neff has some self compassion exercises that I do find help at times.

 

 

I have no religious beliefs, but am I a spiritual person, and have been connected to nature since I was a boy. Its winter here in the Uk and the buzz of insects, showy displays of flowers, cheerful songs of birds are not here to embrace.

 

 

Instead I have to face Christmas alone, without the woman I love so dearly and cannot share it with my daughter this year.

 

 

It is utterly depressing to think we didn't even manage two Christmases together as a family.

 

 

try hard not to dwell on things too much, self pity isn't the way forward, neither is trying to communicate my feelings to my ex partner, as it definitely has pushed her away - I wonder if I hadn't been so needy and distraught, if she may have tried again but I couldn't have concealed my emotions or feelings as they are simply too strong.

 

 

I have started to accept things though and can see moments of clarity.

 

 

I have no more unrealistic expectations that this situation will be resolved and tell myself she is entitled to her own life. She wasn't fulfilled with me so she has left to fulfil herself, for herself.

 

 

I cant deny her that, it is her path to walk, even if it seems or feels wrong to me

[LancasterAmos1966]

I wonder if I hadn't been so needy and distraught, if she may have tried again but I couldn't have concealed my emotions or feelings as they are simply too strong.

 

 

 

How you responded was your natural method --- so please don't beat yourself up for acting that way.

 

Needy and distraught are words that put the blame back onto you. I'd prefer to use words like deprived and heart-broken.

 

 

 

I have started to accept things though and can see moments of clarity.

This is very good.

 

And as a way to help you move forward towards Acceptance, you can google "signs that I have moved on from my ex" -- Even though you have just started the process of moving forward, knowing what to look for might help give you some goals to work on.

 

For instance, one sign might be something like this: "I don't drive past my spouses house any more to see if they are home" So, if you are still driving by their house, then you can work on taking a different route because you realize that it's not healthy to be checking up on them.

 

Having small, attainable goals will help you move forward and come out of this standing tall.