Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[Sweetfish]

Oh, I'll check it out, but I don't think I really fit the description, even after reading about the book. Deep down I don't want her back, I'm just going through the grieving process because I lost a partner and I overestimated the outcome of our relationship (vulnerability).

 

I do believe I have things to work on, and I'm stupid for questioning if I did the right thing.

 

The nice guy trait I display is remorse about mistakes and actions I made, even though it was my genuine self, I wish I hadn't done them (the concert, some of what I said during the cheating talk). I need to own up that I wasn't okay with her reasons for cheating in her past, and that's why the discussion turned passionate. My insecurity in the relationship was justified at that point (holy ****, who is this girl? What am I doing dating her? etc.). And sure, I questioned if I did things wrong to make her fall out of love, and if that was that I was a "Nice Guy", I'd like to fix that for myself. Her behavior indicates it was her own doing, though.

 

Also my actions in real life are different than my thoughts here. I dump the negative here. I will not deter from NC. I will not save her. I am putting myself first.

 

 

Ok.. you seem pretty positive your perfectly fine.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Ok.. you seem pretty positive your perfectly fine.

 

Wouldn't say that, I appreciate the criticism and found the audio book. I'll be checking it out when I'm more level-headed.

[dangerous]

OP, don't beat yourself up.

 

After reading your first few posts, I thought I bet she's 'BPD'.

 

Read my threads, I was a victim of a BPD GF - its devastating!

 

Heal yourself with time, and be kind to yourself.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Today I'm grateful for everyone in this community.

 

I thought I'd provide a small update today.

 

After having time to allow everything to sink in and process with my rationality restored, I've come to realize a few things.

 

This breakup was due to a lack of emotional maturity and grass is always greener. We had our flaws but our relationship was very good. I wholeheartedly believe it, which can make the situation a bit more depressing at times.

 

Why is that? Well, saying things like "it's you not me", "you're perfect", "you deserve better" is really just lies people tell themselves and everyone around them to justify and feel better about their behavior. The honest truth hurts more at face value.

 

Her lack of emotional maturity became clear with our cheating talk. Her reasons for cheating were alarming. Positive attention, drugs and alcohol, felt stuck and like a victim. Unfortunately for her, happiness and love comes from within, which I hope she learns someday. Her mom dying probably broke her ability to find it again.

 

I'm not perfect, but we were a great couple. The crush is perfect in her eyes. That's how infatuation works. Mere exposure effect (interesting science to check out) and an attraction caused her crush. But she didn't have the emotional maturity to know he is on a pedestal and we share a good connection. Having low self esteem and insecurity doesn't help either.

 

Does she have a problem then? Probably, but she sure as hell isn't trying to fix it, regain her independence, be alone for awhile, etc. Those were just dishonest words during our breakup. She also clearly has some other wonky beliefs about relationships that aren't helping either. She saw her infatuation as a sign I'm not "the one", and that she shouldn't be feeling those feelings. Well, I'm sorry, but if i hung it around Scarlett Jo every weekend and we had good conversation I'd probably want to bang her, regardless of my relationship status. But i have the emotional strength to know what I'd be throwing away in the process, if anything.

 

I wish I could have helped her better learn these things, but this will have to be done on her own. Everything I said didn't sway her mindset.

 

That's why I was left wondering so much. GIGS breakups cause the victim to question, blame, and search for an answer. But in reality it's a fruitless endeavor.

 

In the process I've identified things to work on for self improvement purposes, but I no longer blame myself. And I definitely no longer feel I could have done something different to change the outcome. I'm grateful this happened now and not later. I got lucky.

 

Hopefully anyone suffering or who has experienced a breakup like this can be helped by this. Don't size yourself up. It's not a level playing field. You've played your hand, your partner knows your weaknesses. The infatuation is perfect in their mind and that's what they will tell themselves. And they will even try to rationalize why to break up with you "you deserve better". Go on in life and be thankful in knowing you will find someone who would never trade you for a fantasy.

 

That's all for now everyone, have a great holiday.

[doyathinkso]

Glad to see you're moving on.

 

Just leave her in your wake.

 

If she ever in the future comes knocking on your door again just draw the curtains and turn off the lights and radio and pretend not to be home until she goes away.

[dangerous]

Good for you!

and yes great advice: block her! Just as I was getting over my ex (for 3 weeks0 she contacted me ... and the hurt started all over again!

Stay strong, and get busy.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'll be ready when she does, and she probably will, considering we had no issues and all fronts were healthy until the end. This fantasy is just that, a fantasy. She's trading an 80 for a 20, while I spend time working on myself and carefully select my next relationship. No more dropout junkies with zero ambition, weak character, and poor values, that's for sure. And I know all this sounds salty and she is a not necessarily a bad person, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to shake my head for not seeing who she really is behind that intoxicating smile.

[Sweetfish]

Sorry guy... This is not gigs!

 

If this was gigs she would not have cheated on 2 previous boyfriends.. GIGS is when a normal, health, person in the 20's or so leaves a perfectly healthly relationship because they feel something more is out there...

 

 

But... I'm glad your moving on.. which ever way suits you well.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Sorry guy... This is not gigs!

 

If this was gigs she would not have cheated on 2 previous boyfriends.. GIGS is when a normal, health, person in the 20's or so leaves a perfectly healthly relationship because they feel something more is out there...

 

 

But... I'm glad your moving on.. which ever way suits you well.

 

Well it's GIGS in the sense that she feels like this new person is going to give her all I gave her and more.

 

She's internally unhappy and trying to change external factors to soothe it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sorry guy... This is not gigs!

 

If this was gigs she would not have cheated on 2 previous boyfriends.. GIGS is when a normal, health, person in the 20's or so leaves a perfectly healthly relationship because they feel something more is out there...

 

 

Hmmm not necessarily, you don't have to be normal or healthy to suffer GIGS. You do leave behind a decent relationship though I do agree with that.

 

She could definitely be suffering GIGS.

[DeepVibeZ]

GIGS is confined to people in their 20's? The laughable things you read.

[Sweetfish]

GIGS is confined to people in their 20's? The laughable things you read.

 

No it's not confined to ppl in their 20's. most people in early 20's do not own a home, have a career yet. They want to experience many things. By late 20's the biological clock is now ticking, your friends all have homes or family... your body doesn't produce testosterone or estrogen like it use to.

 

You are least likely to look for greener grass at 30's and 40's, but it does happen. Specially, with kids involve.. but yes it happens.

 

The OP ex is unstable, cheats on men constantly, gets drunk with other men, and does cocaine. She may be in a state of gigs... but she didn't just develop it in this relationship.

 

That means every time a person leaves it's gigs? That's not true. OP relationship wasn't 2 or 3 years long. Couple of months is rarely enough to really implant your self in someone's heart and mind. It's most likely the BF she had of 3 years prior that she will yearn for that relationship if it was good... and if she is in a gigs state will want to return to that guy.

 

If your a rebound... the relationship didn't suffer from gigs... GIGS may already be active so your just an emotional bridge to make her feel good till the next thing comes by.

 

I like the OP attitude. It's great. I like how he makes decisions and sticks with them. I like what he wants to work on him and better him self. What my problem is that he believes the relationship was fine and possibly would take her back if she magically comes back and determine that she made a big mistake.

 

So what about the drugs and alcohol? What about her insecurities. I truly believe if this girl came back in tears, he would take her back and the relationship will fail again.

 

"The relationship was healthy till the end"

 

See, you think your head is straight... it's not. Your playing your self... Why? BECAUSE we were giving you advice before the end and you didn't listen. The advise I gave you was DEAD on. So it wasn't healthy ever.

 

In a couple of months it will sink in. That is when the things you type here will change its tune.

Edited November 28, 2016 by Sweetfish

[breakupthrowaway663]

What didn't I listen to? I still don't believe she cheated on me. Not that it would matter either way. Emotionally cheating yes, but not physically. And I listened and went to talk to her when you all suspected something was up. Everything else I listened to and agree this is not the person I want to be with.

 

The GIGS is something she has had about everything. She goes to school because it would be awesome to get an education, then she drops out because she wants to focus on something else in her life. She says she wants this job one day and then wants to go back the next. It was constant instability about what she wanted. She's 26 and still can't pick a career. And she applied the same instability in our relationship near the end. Oh, your life is getting tough? Let's apply that to our partner and change him to someone else (or cheat on him and get out). Maybe that will fix my unhappiness. If it isn't your exact definition of GIGS, it's wrapped in the same emotions. Fear and fantasy. Instead of ever watering the grass she's on she trades her lawn. Except that's not how relationships work. You get out at most what you put in.

 

We had a great sex life, communication, time spent together, forgiveness, etc. I know a toxic relationship when I'm living in one. It wasn't toxic.

 

It was about 4/5 months after her previous relationship before we started dating. So I don't think that's rebound territory.

 

Her previous relationship was toxic. The guy went to jail. Has issues. He has a kid now. There's no going back.

 

It's not that she's looking back, she's looking forward and expecting her crush to be "the one", and to give her happiness. She is internally unhappy and enjoys the impact a fresh relationship has on soothing that feeling. She is emotionally driven and follows those fickle feelings. When in reality real love is a choice and requires hard work. It's not some Disney princess story. Same reason why she does so many drugs and is so wishy-washy in life (eg. cheating). And she's insecure and turbulent which amplifies the effect.

Edited November 28, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Popbradley]

Awww you are so naïve it's cute.

Let's say the relationships were bad, so you are dating a girl who cheats when things don't go her way.

 

 

You believe your relationship will be rosy everyday? Well it wont. And when rough patch hits, she will cheat on you and give the same story: it was so bad, he didn't treat me right. I felt miserable so I accidently slept with someone else.

 

 

Actually your relationship is already hitting the rough patch. Cheating is on the way. Get your anxiety pills ready

 

I was in a relationship just like this.. she was the "victim" and forced to cheat every time lol... All the guys were awful to her and I was her knight and shining armor. Guess who cheated on me the second difficult times came alone? yep. RUN before it happens to you and it will happen to you.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I was in a relationship just like this.. she was the "victim" and forced to cheat every time lol... All the guys were awful to her and I was her knight and shining armor. Guess who cheated on me the second difficult times came alone? yep. RUN before it happens to you and it will happen to you.

 

Wow dude, that's awful. That's a long time into a relationship for someone to throw it in the garbage. It's crazy to see how common this is after I did some searching. So much Disney princess self-entitlement and people trashing marriages. Love is a choice, and if you aren't choosing that person you fell in love with every day, do him/her a favor and let him/her find someone who will, regardless of how often you have to pull your sleeves up and get down and dirty in a relationship. That's what real love is. It's not always fluffly and cuddly. It' about being strong and willed together, in my opinion anyway.

 

I've been traveling alone for a few weeks now, and sick half the time so I'm bedridden. The loneliness sinks it quite a bit when I'm stuck in my hotel room. I'll see something neat and think "Oh I should text ... oh.. right".

 

It's really too bad that the charming woman I was sure wanted to pursue our future together did a COMPLETE 180. Sometimes I lay awake at night utterly confused, wondering if I stomped out the spark somehow and I'm not even sure how I did it. Other days I feel like I'm making strides healing. Break ups are weird.

Edited November 29, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[dangerous]

"I'll see something neat and think "Oh I should text ... oh.. right".

 

It's really too bad that the charming woman I was sure wanted to pursue our future together did a COMPLETE 180. Sometimes I lay awake at night utterly confused, wondering if I stomped out the spark somehow and I'm not even sure how I did it. Other days I feel like I'm making strides healing. Break ups are weird. "

 

I totally relate to this. It hurts. It takes time to heal, because they did this to you, so unexpectedly. It takes me a few weeks for the pain to ease, but if they contact you again it all starts again. Keep sight of moving on, away from her, the past. The sweet times with her are gone for good, she doesn't have it in her to find them again. Be aware of the bad things she does, those are the deepest traits she has.

 

all the best..

[Sweetfish]

What didn't I listen to? I still don't believe she cheated on me. Not that it would matter either way. Emotionally cheating yes, but not physically. And I listened and went to talk to her when you all suspected something was up. Everything else I listened to and agree this is not the person I want to be with.

 

The GIGS is something she has had about everything. She goes to school because it would be awesome to get an education, then she drops out because she wants to focus on something else in her life. She says she wants this job one day and then wants to go back the next. It was constant instability about what she wanted. She's 26 and still can't pick a career. And she applied the same instability in our relationship near the end. Oh, your life is getting tough? Let's apply that to our partner and change him to someone else (or cheat on him and get out). Maybe that will fix my unhappiness. If it isn't your exact definition of GIGS, it's wrapped in the same emotions. Fear and fantasy. Instead of ever watering the grass she's on she trades her lawn. Except that's not how relationships work. You get out at most what you put in.

 

We had a great sex life, communication, time spent together, forgiveness, etc. I know a toxic relationship when I'm living in one. It wasn't toxic.

 

It was about 4/5 months after her previous relationship before we started dating. So I don't think that's rebound territory.

 

Her previous relationship was toxic. The guy went to jail. Has issues. He has a kid now. There's no going back.

 

It's not that she's looking back, she's looking forward and expecting her crush to be "the one", and to give her happiness. She is internally unhappy and enjoys the impact a fresh relationship has on soothing that feeling. She is emotionally driven and follows those fickle feelings. When in reality real love is a choice and requires hard work. It's not some Disney princess story. Same reason why she does so many drugs and is so wishy-washy in life (eg. cheating). And she's insecure and turbulent which amplifies the effect.

 

 

I openly admit you are very intelligent and observant.. you reminds me of myself a couple years ago. Trust me you got much more to learn. Good luck. We are always progressively learning.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Appreciate it.

 

2 weeks NC and not a peep from her. Every day is slightly better than the last. I'm getting a decent amount of attention on Tinder but I'm not feeling like acting on it. I went crazy with the hook ups during my last breakup but it didn't feel good at all. It wasn't me.

 

Her grandma texted me not too long ago unknowing that we split. When I told her what had happened she seemed really upset with her decisions and behavior. "She has been mistreated in past relationships. But that gives her no excuse to mistreat others. No excuses". I was the first boyfriend their family actually liked, according to them. Apparently the now ex attracts and is attracted to dirt bags.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd touch base. I'm going out tonight to a big party. My ego is still pretty shattered but I'm going to make the best of it regardless.

[Viking]

I am sorry to hear about the situation. That's tough. The NC period is sometimes the hardest part too. You have that feeling that something is missing and you don't know how to fill it either. Honestly, if you're in the NC zone, just keep truckin' through and get to the other side with your heart intact. If you think too much or dwell too much on it, you'll eat yourself alive.

[breakupthrowaway663]

11 months together dating her. She gave the impression of devotion, loyalty, a future together (after maybe 6-7 mos), displayed her love often.

 

Unfortunately she had a cheating past (cheated twice, two serious relationships prior to me) that I chose to ignore because I was blinded by our passion and chemistry (yes I know... stupid).

 

Anyway, 2 weeks before the break-up she broke it to me she was feeling doubts, like her love wasn't growing, butterflies weren't felt anymore (what.. ok?). Obviously this is anxiety-inducing, so after two weeks I sat her down and asked how she has been. The truth came out, she didn't see me in her picture anymore. She spit it out that she was "crushing" on someone else for awhile now (my guess is 5 weeks). I told her I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and who values our connection over a passing crush. Love is a choice. Nothing was getting through. I ended it.

 

I'm 2 1/2 weeks on no contact. I returned all her belongings. I deleted everything of hers from my life. While every day is better than the last, my ego was shattered. She pulled me into a vulnerable place, bringing up "growing old together", "getting a home together", and would even question if I was committed enough when she felt I wanted to go slower. We've probably all been there, thinking about the future is fun. I bought her a plane ticket to meet my parents at our 1 year mark. Her eyes would light up thinking about what our future entailed.

 

I eventually decided to commit in my head, because I was on the fence before, wanting to slow things down -- protecting myself. But I opened up. Not even 2 months later she cheated.

 

Broke-up after I let myself become most vulnerable. I thought WE were different. Her ex's were deadbeats. One went to jail. Another was also a cheater. All with no aspirations working the Dairy Queen line at 27. While I was the classy businessman. Degree in hand. Bright future. Fun-loving, fairly attractive partner in crime. At least so I was fed by her family. I let my ego get me good. I realize this now. None of my security in life truly mattered one single bit. And our extremely passionate, loving, and "confident bond" (as she put it) wasn't fulfilling enough? We made a great team. I questioned what could this guy possibly be fulfilling that I wasn't?

 

Deep down I now know we weren't for each other. She was into drugs like molly, cocaine, LSD, you name it. Had a bumpy past. Dropped out of school. All over the place job-wise. Didn't know what she wanted to do with her life at 26. Drank too much (we're talking blacking out). On top of that her mom passed away at 19 and her sister says she has been lost ever since.

 

I think that's enough about my story. How did you get over the cheater? Were you able to become secure in a relationship again? How long was your ego shattered? My previous relationships ended in an expected fashion. This one seemed to come out of nowhere. I've never been cheated on. It's a shock at first. It questions if you even know the person you were dating. I feel like I had no idea who I was dating.

Edited December 7, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Fruitee]

Her cheating on you had nothing to do with you. Also she probably just "wanted" to go back to her old ways. It is difficult to change ones ways. To get over your bruised ego is simply to understand you did nothing wrong, its on her and has nothing to do with you. You have your life in order. You go on. Meet someone who is worthy. She might never come around. But it is her decision.

[Miss Clavel]

i heard, after my wasband's cheating that it's not about you. it's about them. but i don't think i really took it in until beyonce implied that her husband was cheating, i mean, wtf? she's beyond beautiful and sexy, not to mention wealthy.

 

and if i was you i would not spend any time wondering why she cheated, i'd worry about why you took up with her to begin with??? are you color blind, even i see red flags everywhere.

 

gotta go, i'm late for my shift at the DQ.

 

good luck

[Fruitee]

Yep. When I was cheated on I felt like cheap discount rag. Now that I have met someone good for me I feel like million bucks. It took forever to understand that what he did to me had nothing to do with me. And now I am happy I didnt stay and try to make it work with someone who wasnt worth my time and attention but worked towards someone who actually deserves me.

[gorf]

 

she had a cheating past (cheated twice, two serious relationships prior to me) that I chose to ignore because I was blinded by our passion and chemistry (yes I know... stupid).

 

 

I feel like I had no idea who I was dating.

 

You did know who you were dating, you just ignored it. The cheating was on her and you cant blame yourself for that. It was a choice like it is every time and she chose to. Thats not on you bro, but Im sorry for what you went through just the same. My best advice right now would be to not rebound with another woman, instead, take time to yourself and be happy with yourself. Then you will accept and let go at the start of a relationship much easier. Let the thought of her go cause you know you are much much better off and there are plenty of good ladies out there. Not everyone is like her

[Space Ritual]

I don't think a person ever totally gets over being a victim of infidelity. I feel like you get through it. I can only speak for myself. though. It has been 30 years and I never really fully healed from the betrayal.

 

It is something that ran so counter to my core beliefs that when it happened to me I lashed out in the worst of ways. But I am an extreme example. Literally the Poster Boy for how not to act when you catch your fiance in the act with your best friend from childhood in your house in your bed. In Short, the Legal system frowns on beating people to a pulp, which was a fact I chose to ignore, much to my chagrin.

 

For me, and hopefully for someone else that is facing the prospect of it and reads this, the only advice I can truly give somebody is that the best way to get through it is to make the person who cheated on you insignificant....Which by what you wrote I have seen that you have embarked on.

 

There seems to be a window around the 8 to 12 month mark where in many relationships one partner stops overlooking things that they they may have let slide as far as their partner's personality traits...like maybe something as juvenile as peeing on the toilet seat and not wiping it up, that steers them in a different direction where that person may more readily be vulnerable to a new person showing up in their life. I was with my Fiance for the better part of 4 years when it happened to me.

 

So you are taking the right steps, OP. All I can really assure you of is that the most hated 4 letter word you can possibly think of at this moment is the truest one...TIME.

 

If you set yourself on a course to make her insignificant, even if you have to fake it until you make it, you are on the right path.

 

Because the opposite of Love is not Hate, but it is total indifference. Just like sincerity, you'll know indifference when you see it. It may take a long time, but you can arrive at the point that makes her nothing but a distance memory