Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[Space Ritual]

I just wanted to add, OP...that her infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

She made a conscious choice, and no one put a gun to her head...

 

I can never stress enough how wrong it s to blame yourself. Sure you own Half of the relationship, but her choice to seek the intimacy of another was 100 percent on her.

 

Good Luck.

[Dis]

I agree with Space Ritual

 

I dont know that you get fully get over that kind of betrayl

 

I was with my ex for 2.5 years...he was cheating on me for most of the relationship without my knowledge of course

 

That kind of betrayl...the constant lies....the deception...the fact that I look back (over a year after I broke up with him) and question if anything we has was real....I dont know that I'll heal from that

 

Healing is one thing...moving on is another. I moved on from him quickly...he had hurt me so much...I closed the door on him in 0.0003 seconds. I didnt have a desire to communicate with him...I still dont...he is removed from me and my heart. I dont wish him well....I dont wish him harm. If I can describe my feelings for him, I can relate them to....a bland tasting food. Its not yummy...its not yucky....its just meh. Like Space Ritual said, once you get to a place where you feel indifference towards them....you've done the bulk of the healing...or as much of it as you can

 

Pls dont blame yourself for her cheating....it was NOT your fault. She made that choice....nothing you did justified her behavior

 

Next time, dont overlook the red flags

 

For now, give yourself time....I've found time is the only true healer

[Methodical]

How did you get over the cheater? Were you able to become secure in a relationship again? How long was your ego shattered? My previous relationships ended in an expected fashion. This one seemed to come out of nowhere. I've never been cheated on. It's a shock at first. It questions if you even know the person you were dating. I feel like I had no idea who I was dating.

 

Some ppl are clever at hiding their true colors. And, when you are in a new relationship, you can't see the forest for the tree sometimes. Bottomline, she betrayed you. It hurts now, but later you'll thank your lucky stars for not settling for a person with a drug habit.

 

As for how long it will take to heal and get your mojo back? That's a process and you can't really put a time frame on it. You may meet someone three months from now who rocks your world and you'll put this behind you. Or, you may find you're still flummoxed a year from now.

 

Staying busy will keep your mind occupied so that you don't overthink things. Go for walks, long drives, the gym, etc. Being around other ppl will help too.

[Darren Steez]

You learn. This is life.

 

You knew she cheated before but chose to continue anyway i.e The snake bites and you take it home and are surprised when the snake bites.

 

Chalk it up to a life lesson and don't let it destroy you, in fact let it harden you and use it next time not to ignore the red flags, these red flags save you a lot of heartache.

 

Personally she's not worth it dude. Think about it, this is her life, she'll be doing it to the next guy, heck she'll be doing it when she's married.

 

Buy yourself a beer. You dodged a bullet there!

[breakupthrowaway663]

Thanks everyone. I went out for the first time in s long time tonight.

 

I had a good time but I'll admit I miss her beyond reason. We had such a great bond and we shared amazing experiences together. I can't help but to blame myself for my temper in the last month we dated. I'd never name call or bring up the past but I'd put my foot down on her awful habits. Primarily when she told me about her cheating past and then weeks later said she was having doughts about us.

 

We had a great time together. It sounds like I should only look forward now, as difficult as it is.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Doubts* lol

[frus69]

you need to realise there are hundreds of other pretty women out there who will like you, who are better than your cheating ex, who will love you better than your cheating ex. You need to open up your eyes, open up your mind and go out more.

[Mumbles]

Lots of kind words from other posters and I agree with almost all of them.

 

I'll go straight to the nub of the original question though - how to get over a cheater and regain your ego?

 

As glib and passe as it might seem, for me, I only ever seem to fully recover when a new lady arrives on the scene. Its not that I need affirmation from others, thats certainly not the case, my personality is miles away from that - but it refocuses the mind and you spend less time alone wondering what might have been. These feelings get replaced with wondering whats to come.

 

Rebounds, as we all know them in popular culture, exist and I think for good reason.

Edited December 9, 2016 by Mumbles

[breakupthrowaway663]

Now at 3 weeks NC. 3 weeks always seems like a difficult point.

 

Not a word from her and I've stayed strong as well. I've grieved some in the past few days. I still wake up every morning re-realizing what happened. Or

 

It's strange to me that a 10 month relationship can have such an imprint on me. I really allowed myself to be vulnerable. I hooked myself on our possible happy outcome.

 

I clearly did not know her. I made mistakes but I feel like nothing I did was so severe that it pushed her away. I supposed that's how I'm wired after a break-up. I turn inward and analyze what I did wrong. It's hard for me to accept this was entirely her doing and her decision.

[doyathinkso]

Hey, you know what? She was just an old girlfriend who turned out to be sketchy, and skeezy, and a liar.

 

Move on.

 

Get over it.

 

There are really nice girls out there who just haven't met the right guy yet. You could be him.

[Sweetfish]

Now at 3 weeks NC. 3 weeks always seems like a difficult point.

Not a word from her and I've stayed strong as well. I've grieved some in the past few days. I still wake up every morning re-realizing what happened. Or

 

It's strange to me that a 10 month relationship can have such an imprint on me. I really allowed myself to be vulnerable. I hooked myself on our possible happy outcome.

 

I clearly did not know her. I made mistakes but I feel like nothing I did was so severe that it pushed her away. I supposed that's how I'm wired after a break-up. I turn inward and analyze what I did wrong. It's hard for me to accept this was entirely her doing and her decision.

 

The feeling of loss with get bigger as time progress and soon it will taper back down.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Thanks for the words guys. This community is great.

 

I have my first date since the break tonight. I'm excited to get myself out there again. It'll be awhile before I'm relationship-ready, but this will be a nice change of pace.

[breakupthrowaway663]

The pure shock of discovering infidelity is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I thought we were doing great. Now I just feel like she manipulated me by always talking about our future and how amazing we were together. "Sunk her claws in deep" as she literally put it.

 

I'm not even entirely sure if it was physical infidelity either. She had her crosshairs on someone else, which I feel is just as bad. She lost sight of us and it was out of my control, regardless of how fulfilling our relationship was.

 

Also, when during the break-up saying things like "You are the best person I know", "I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life right now" while crying, "You are so perfect, I just need to be alone right now and figure things out" does not help my healing process either.

 

In my mind I think well then what did I do wrong then? Where did we go wrong? It's just beating around the bush that she's chasing her feelings for someone else rather than valuing our connection we have worked so hard to grow. The grass is only as green as you keep it.

 

Never again will I date a serial cheater, or rather, any kind of cheater. It's a huge character flaw.

Edited December 10, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[RecentChange]

How do you get over it? You have to realize and believe it's about them, not you.

 

As someone who has been cheated on, and has cheated, I promise you this is the truth.

 

I cheated, and it wasn't because of him, it was because of me. This woman you describe, she is an unstable thrill seeker, as soon as the butterflies wore off, she chased the next high. And she very well may regret that, but at this point at least not have enough impulse control to make good decisions.

 

One thing that helps me, forgive and move on from difficult things is to understand even when people hurt us, in ways that seem down right malicious, they often do not WANT to be that way. They just do not possess all the tools to prevent themselves from self sabotaging their life, and the lives of those around them.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Wow. Tonight was crazy.

 

I ran into mutual friends of the ex and we ended up taking about everything.

 

The first friend that ran into her is a super close friend of mine. He said she looked horrible and exhausted. They made small talk about how they have been and she said she was exhausted (case in point). Once it seemed like the next question was going to be about me he walked off with his girl.

 

The other friends have been around for far longer. They basically sided with me, told me the cheater and the whole bull**** story. I was amazed. I knew this guy. 21 year old Navy boy with a huge round face that would be about like dating a globe with a face. Nothing on me in any way at all. I was dumbfounded.

 

It's probably true, she cheated. You're all unfortunately too correct at guessing these things. My mutual friends agree with you all . They also side with me and realize the deeper pattern within my ex that is now showing. She b told one of them after the break up "I am just a terrible person and I ruin lives". I laughed and said she ruined nothing and I feel great (was true tonight). She also said "I feel like he was the one and I made a mistake". I asked if I should say something and they agreed i shouldn't. They said they want to kick the guy out of the friend group.

 

Here's another fun part. He works at the same night club I do on the weekends. If there is anything 22 years of hockey has taught me it's how to throw a mean right hook. Boy will I break his nose if I see him step foot in that club. I knew the guy. If nobody is going to teach that kid respect I'll beat it into him. I have never been into a single real fight in my life but if he steps foot in the club I will break his nose without thinking twice.

Edited December 11, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[doyathinkso]

Well, maybe not worth an assault charge.

[elaine567]

...nor the loss of your job...

[breakupthrowaway663]

Okay yea I was just livid last night but I can't believe he works with me.

[Sweetfish]

Wow. Tonight was crazy.

 

I ran into mutual friends of the ex and we ended up taking about everything.

 

The first friend that ran into her is a super close friend of mine. He said she looked horrible and exhausted. They made small talk about how they have been and she said she was exhausted (case in point). Once it seemed like the next question was going to be about me he walked off with his girl.

 

The other friends have been around for far longer. They basically sided with me, told me the cheater and the whole bull**** story. I was amazed. I knew this guy. 21 year old Navy boy with a huge round face that would be about like dating a globe with a face. Nothing on me in any way at all. I was dumbfounded.

 

It's probably true, she cheated. You're all unfortunately too correct at guessing these things. My mutual friends agree with you all . They also side with me and realize the deeper pattern within my ex that is now showing. She b told one of them after the break up "I am just a terrible person and I ruin lives". I laughed and said she ruined nothing and I feel great (was true tonight). She also said "I feel like he was the one and I made a mistake". I asked if I should say something and they agreed i shouldn't. They said they want to kick the guy out of the friend group.

 

Here's another fun part. He works at the same night club I do on the weekends. If there is anything 22 years of hockey has taught me it's how to throw a mean right hook. Boy will I break his nose if I see him step foot in that club. I knew the guy. If nobody is going to teach that kid respect I'll beat it into him. I have never been into a single real fight in my life but if he steps foot in the club I will break his nose without thinking twice.

 

 

Your story is confusing... I assume she cheated with this NAVY guy?

 

Don't worry.. she will get exhausted running from guy to guy till she get pregnant with the wrong one.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Your story is confusing... I assume she cheated with this NAVY guy?

 

Don't worry.. she will get exhausted running from guy to guy till she get pregnant with the wrong one.

 

Yes. The night club is a side job for both of us. It's not a full-time gig.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I also learned last night she got a DUI and almost fired from her job. I wasn't kidding about the alcohol problem.

[breakupthrowaway663]

How do you get over it? You have to realize and believe it's about them, not you.

 

As someone who has been cheated on, and has cheated, I promise you this is the truth.

 

I cheated, and it wasn't because of him, it was because of me. This woman you describe, she is an unstable thrill seeker, as soon as the butterflies wore off, she chased the next high. And she very well may regret that, but at this point at least not have enough impulse control to make good decisions.

 

One thing that helps me, forgive and move on from difficult things is to understand even when people hurt us, in ways that seem down right malicious, they often do not WANT to be that way. They just do not possess all the tools to prevent themselves from self sabotaging their life, and the lives of those around them.

 

This sounds oddly familiar. A variation of these words came right out of my exGF's mouth when we broke it off.

 

Last night I heard about all that happened with the cheating ex. And you're right. It was completely out of my control.

 

A man got flirty and handsy with her and she reciprocated. She made that choice, for whatever reason I'll never understand.

 

Maybe one day she'll look back with remorse. I did all I could. I'm moving on.

[Sweetfish]

I also learned last night she got a DUI and almost fired from her job. I wasn't kidding about the alcohol problem.

 

Dude... word for word we told you how this was going to play out and you refused to believe us. That she wasnt as bad as we claimed. Yet she told you a crook how she is going to work on her self.... very very very rarely do girls work on themself with the very few that are on this forum...

 

I wouldnt be surprised in 2-6 months she'll be crying for you back..

[breakupthrowaway663]

Dude... word for word we told you how this was going to play out and you refused to believe us. That she wasnt as bad as we claimed. Yet she told you a crook how she is going to work on her self.... very very very rarely do girls work on themself with the very few that are on this forum...

 

I wouldnt be surprised in 2-6 months she'll be crying for you back..

 

Yea I admit it, I allowed her sparkling personality to blind me from the hard truths. I was straight up fooled. It's unraveling now. Even her mutual friends are realizing the person she really is.

 

I never believed she was going to work on herself. That's a pile of BS if I ever smelled one. A relationship should allow you to do that regardless. Her past indicated she zooms from one relationship to another hoping this will be "the one". Whatever that means in her head. Something clearly emotionally undeveloped.

 

Her true colors are showing and it's teaching me some much needed lessons. Maybe she's a BPDer who needs some serious therapy. It's hard for me to tell.

[breakupthrowaway663]

4 weeks in. Wow a whole month has gone by.

 

This morning was the first morning I didn't wake up sweating. I also finally didn't jolt awake at 5AM.

 

I can feel her slipping from the foreground in my mind.

 

Last week I kept asking myself "Why?". Why did she fall out of love with me? I am starting to care a little less about answering that question, but I find myself still asking it.

 

I'm wondering less if my insecurity in our relationship after our discussion about cheating led her to fall out with me and fall in with him. I didn't act out on it much anyway, and I am starting to feel it was a natural response.