Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

To me it sounds like she thinks you are a great guy, knows your a good relationship opprtunity but on a deeper level, she is just not feeling that spark. She is trying to convince herself to give it a chance hence her internal conflict. Some guys are suprisingly ok with being in the position of being settled for.

[elaine567]

To me it sounds like she thinks you are a great guy, knows your a good relationship opprtunity but on a deeper level, she is just not feeling that spark. She is trying to convince herself to give it a chance hence her internal conflict. Some guys are suprisingly ok with being in the position of being settled for.

 

I agree.

When given time to think away from you, she gave you the break up speech,

I'm depressed. Its me not you. There are no butterflies. I see no future.

But you applied pressure by passionately fighting for her, and when face to face with you she caved.

She is back on the drugs and alcohol as she is not happy, it is called self medication.

 

Had this been a nice, stable, easy, comfortable relationship. then you could perhaps forget the cheating as a lesson learned and forget her other "issues" too, but there is nothing nice and stable here.

My guess is that she is very good looking, "hot", sexy, so you do not want to let go - you are trying to rationalize all this "madness".

BUT your gut is screaming that this ain't right, so please just listen to it.

Edited November 17, 2016 by elaine567
fixed quote

[OatsAndHall]

Well, you need to decide whether or not you can handle the drama that is going on with this relationship and should probably be prepared for more... I, personally, would just break it off if I were in your shoes and the relationship were affecting me so negatively. There are plenty of connections to be made and women to date. But, this is my opinion as I will not allow a relationship make me feel like sh-t consistently. I can go out and date other women or just live my life single: either is better than feeling anxious and insecure in a relationship.

[Herbalist]

As a woman I'm telling you this: she can't just lose her feelings for no reason.when woman loses their attraction,99% there is someone else. Doesn't have to have sex involved. She can simply just admire him. You can convince yourself she is the 1% despite the fact she cheated on both her serious relationships .

The truth will reveal itself pretty soon

 

I agree with this. I've talked with many female friends over the years and have had one serious relationship, myself. Usually a woman who is in love at some point, will fight for that love for quite a while, until she snaps, and then it's OVER. Like she hates you or goes completely numb to you and it's just over, period.

 

Back-and-forth stuff comes with two possible territories:

 

1. Cluster B personality dysfunctions, although with stuff like borderline PD and such, there will be other intense symptoms, as well. Not just hot-and-cold issues. And just because someone is struggling with a disorder, doesn't mean they can't also be a bad person or be abusive. Not everyone with a PD is a bad person, but some people are. Since I used to struggle with BPD, I don't really like the stereotype of the BPD woman as some psycho-evil femme fatale, but those types do exist.

 

2. Plain ol' cheaters, even if it's emotional affair stuff. They are comfortable with you, and there are things they like about you, but they want someone else and don't respect or care for you enough to let you go. They will try to keep you on-tap while they go after someone else.

 

In either case surely you know that if a man was treating a woman this way, most people would be able to see it as a red flag, probably you would be able to see it, as well. Don't think it is any different just because you are the man and she is the woman.

[gorf]

 

 

She hasn't created that much distance.

 

And she has never given me a reason to distrust her, except telling half truths about her past

 

I do believe it was a mistake.

 

Yea, I need to find a way to communicate my anxieties without feeling ashamed about it. I feel like my insecurity (if that's even what is going on, it can be hard to tell) has leaked out and she has seen it, and she doesn't like it.

 

First off I agree with ld1990 following post.

 

As for her creating distance, yeah she has. On purpose, not to mention the physical distance between you two, especially with her past, its not going to work. No way.

 

A mistake? Dont care if drugs or alcohol were involved, they are an excuse, cheating is no mistake. Its a choice. Maybe she was down, maybe she was looking for lack of control to do what she wanted so she could blame drugs/alcohol. Whatever the reason, she put herself in that situation on purpose and things literally happened just as she wanted. If you are not the guy on her mind when she is not in her right state of mind.. you know the rest. Drugs/alcohol are no excuse for cheating.

 

Half truths, whole truths. Lies just the same. What else is she not telling you? Now you are going to wonder what exactly it is she is trying to protect?..... her cheating mentality perhaps?

 

Your insecurity, its completely valid. But if you keep on with her, she will ultimately use it against you to get her way. Even to cheat and blame it on you and your insecurity for 'causing it.' Her behavior will make anyone insecure, know that, and that does not make you insecure for no reason. Dont ever let her use that against you.

 

But really man... what do you expect. She gets to a rough time in her relationship and just as another said, instead of working it out, she cheats to scare you off. If you are not scared off.. then she will forever tread on you and use your insecurity against you. For sure. Is she going to miraculously change for you? What a gamble that is. The stress is going to kill you. She is not fit to be in a relationship

[gorf]

Yea, I can accept the hard truths for what they are. I unfortunately have found her to be a very compassionate, loving, and kind woman. I've dated women who are cold and more distant. I really have loved how "about me" she has been since day 1.

 

Its called the infatuation phase. With this girl, its going to hit a sore spot (now) and you see how she handles that. You are not the first or last she will cheat on to try and scare away. If you are smart, you will be scared away and give her that she wants so bad: to be able to jump from one guy to another, treat them like crap, scare them off and move to the next. Its a skanky mentality you dont want to date

[Versacehottie]

Yikes. I don't think she is off banging other guys. Some people like to throw that around as the answer to all siuations.

 

Another explanation is her life is a mess and she is depressed. Depression can really make you feel far from those you care about, hence saying she lost feelings and doesn't look at you the same.

 

Instead of asking her what's wrong, try telling her your observations and how you are interpreting them and how it makes you feel. At some point, if the costs of being in the relationship (anxiety etc) are too high then you have to consider this may not be right for you.

 

I agree. Often thrown out as the sole reason someone would "off". Little too paranoid and simplified rote response to every situation. That said, I think OP is anxious because he is in an unstable relationship first and foremost, probably coupled with maybe his tendency toward anxiety. It didn't help that she told the truth about past cheating--doesn't mean she will do it again or that someone who has never cheat, won't but OP is nervous about it. I think making sure you are in a stable relationship with good communication is the best thing you can do. Not sure if that is possible with her for a variety of reasons and the push/pull you guys already do with each other. Good luck.

[Sunkissedpatio]

So why the hell would she pay $400 for a plane ticket to see my parents (2 weeks ago, flight next month), keep bringing more of her things to my place, and still spend the same quality time with me? Knowing her she would have told me by now. I'm more confused.

 

Because she hadn't met yet the one she is thinking of skipping over the relationship with. I feel she might have met someone which is why the sudden change of heart.

 

Unless something has been happening between the two of you lately that would make her have a change of mind (like too much fighting etc.), that's the only other reason I would see her having second thoughts now. Regardless, she did cheat on two past relationships when the going got tough, that doesn't speak well to her ability to handle hardships in relationships. She runs away from her problems rather than deal with them it seems.

[Sunkissedpatio]

On a side note, your girlfriend has a LOT of growing up to do she sounds like she lacks experience.

 

Losing the "butterflies in the stomach" is not an indication to get out of a relationship. If she does that every time she will be perpetually trading in men every 6months to a year and never amount to any sort of true love experience with anyone,

 

We all lose the butterflies after a certain period of time being with someone, but we gain a deeper more profound way to love that is a lot less anxious and far more giving.

 

If she hasn't experienced that, or is even aware of that, she will be chasing unicorns all her life.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Okay I can't quote everyone here so I'll try to cover as much as I can.

 

Let's get some things clear here. This wasn't a break-up speech. She was reaching out because we've always had open communications up until that talk.

 

That leads me to another thing I want to make clear, I'm not going to hang onto something that is clearly dead. I think some of you are reading this wrong. I am going to go and talk to her today to figure out is there is a deeper issue or if the spark is really gone. If it is, I'll end it today.

 

This isn't entirely her fault. I can be overly-sensitive as well, and I was after the cheating talk. I lashed out when she joked in a heart-fluttery way that she "would totally marry the lead singer" of the concert we were at the day after the cheating talk. My emotions were still high, alcohol in me, and I made a poor decision and decided to walk away before I said something stupid. She read it (probably as an insecurity) and got very angry. But god damnit I didn't want to hear that just after the conversation the day prior, regardless if it's a stupid joke. I'm horrible about imagining her past, cheating, etc, so whenever the topic is brought up I feel awful. Ever since the cheating talk and that incident I've noticed she has acted slightly different.. but I'm also extra paranoid right now, for good reason.

 

Her cheating. Yes it bothers me but I think I can accept it. If not, I'll end it. Do I think she had a valid excuse? No. Do I think cheating is ever acceptable? No. I know I'm treading a marsh here. But we all have our flaws.

 

That'd be ridiculous if she met someone else. She has never dated someone with a really good job, degree, and from the sounds of it, a myriad of other things. If we're talking league, I'm way out of hers, all ego aside. I'm not saying I'm perfect, very far from it, but if she is off talking to some other guy that would be a huge mistake, and she knows it would be the end of us. I'm not trying to act full of myself but I need to make that clear.

 

She had long (3 yrs) relationships before (I'm the inexperienced one, not her), so I imagine the butterflies ended in those relationships. I think she panicked about us because we were always very passionate and open together, so she felt she could tell me. She was being insensitive but also was confiding in me her feelings. It wasn't a break-up speech. It felt like a plea for help.

 

Like I said, I'm going to open lines of communication today. I'm still not happy with my anxiety/insecurity about it. I feel like I have room to grow maturity-wise, and can get overly-sensitive when I feel like this. I feel like this isn't all on her.

Edited November 17, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Sunkissedpatio]

Someone could be in a 10 year relationship and still have no experience with love, real love.

 

Butterflies dissipate. Butterflies are nothing more than anxious feelings and the body reacting to those feelings caused by infatuation, excitement and fear of loss and approval all rolled up into one.

 

 

The fact she is confused because she doesn't feel "butterflies" tells me she has no experience with real love or that she mistakens infatuation for love.

 

Love supersedes infatuation. Sorry to say but it sounds like it's her way of saying this is not what I thought it was.

 

And please don't make excuses for her or feel bad about your insecurities she dropped a bomb and goes on to make jokes about marrying someone else. You have a right to be anxious about her behaviour. It's insensitive at best.

[TheTraveler]

Like I said, I'm going to open lines of communication today. I'm still not happy with my anxiety/insecurity about it. I feel like I have room to grow maturity-wise, and can get overly-sensitive when I feel like this. I feel like this isn't all on her.

 

And this has been spilling into the relationship the past 5 weeks. You're triggered right now and anything she says you are going to over analyze. Since you're going over today, listen to what she has to say. Let her talk and read her body language.

[SunnySide0418]

You made her pay for the plane ticket to see your parents??? Wow.

[Sweetfish]

Okay I can't quote everyone here so I'll try to cover as much as I can.

 

Let's get some things clear here. This wasn't a break-up speech. She was reaching out because we've always had open communications up until that talk.

 

That leads me to another thing I want to make clear, I'm not going to hang onto something that is clearly dead. I think some of you are reading this wrong. I am going to go and talk to her today to figure out is there is a deeper issue or if the spark is really gone. If it is, I'll end it today.

 

This isn't entirely her fault. I can be overly-sensitive as well, and I was after the cheating talk. I lashed out when she joked in a heart-fluttery way that she "would totally marry the lead singer" of the concert we were at the day after the cheating talk. My emotions were still high, alcohol in me, and I made a poor decision and decided to walk away before I said something stupid. She read it (probably as an insecurity) and got very angry. But god damnit I didn't want to hear that just after the conversation the day prior, regardless if it's a stupid joke. I'm horrible about imagining her past, cheating, etc, so whenever the topic is brought up I feel awful. Ever since the cheating talk and that incident I've noticed she has acted slightly different.. but I'm also extra paranoid right now, for good reason.

 

Her cheating. Yes it bothers me but I think I can accept it. If not, I'll end it. Do I think she had a valid excuse? No. Do I think cheating is ever acceptable? No. I know I'm treading a marsh here. But we all have our flaws.

 

That'd be ridiculous if she met someone else. She has never dated someone with a really good job, degree, and from the sounds of it, a myriad of other things. If we're talking league, I'm way out of hers, all ego aside. I'm not saying I'm perfect, very far from it, but if she is off talking to some other guy that would be a huge mistake, and she knows it would be the end of us. I'm not trying to act full of myself but I need to make that clear.

 

She had long (3 yrs) relationships before (I'm the inexperienced one, not her), so I imagine the butterflies ended in those relationships. I think she panicked about us because we were always very passionate and open together, so she felt she could tell me. She was being insensitive but also was confiding in me her feelings. It wasn't a break-up speech. It felt like a plea for help.

 

Like I said, I'm going to open lines of communication today. I'm still not happy with my anxiety/insecurity about it. I feel like I have room to grow maturity-wise, and can get overly-sensitive when I feel like this. I feel like this isn't all on her.

 

Hahaha! you sound just like me years ago that it's scary. Your logical is not going to win this. The whole 50/50 deal where you think "you either love me or not" is just the ego talking.

 

You told us your drank the coolaid already. Talked about the future and inviting her to meet your parents. The whole you have a bright future ahead of you... doesn't even have a place in this thread.

 

The true architect of this relationship is her and your scrambling to gain control. By simply saying you'll leave is a bluff to most women.. women believe in action and men tend to believe words.

 

 

Remember this post because everyone is dead on.

 

We're not dumb.. you came back in this thread explaining your not perfect and you said things to her. We absolutely know your not perfect... but now your pinning her out to be a victim.

 

Because she has latched on your insecurities and as she drifts away they become stronger.

[breakupthrowaway663]

You made her pay for the plane ticket to see your parents??? Wow.

 

Nah, it was a $850 plane ticket. She offered to pay it. I said she couldn't do that. So she's paying less than half. And I am thinking I won't even let her do that.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hahaha! you sound just like me years ago that it's scary. Your logical is not going to win this. The whole 50/50 deal where you think "you either love me or not" is just the ego talking.

 

You told us your drank the coolaid already. Talked about the future and inviting her to meet your parents. The whole you have a bright future ahead of you... doesn't even have a place in this thread.

 

The true architect of this relationship is her and your scrambling to gain control. By simply saying you'll leave is a bluff to most women.. women believe in action and men tend to believe words.

 

 

Remember this post because everyone is dead on.

 

We're not dumb.. you came back in this thread explaining your not perfect and you said things to her. We absolutely know your not perfect... but now your pinning her out to be a victim.

 

Because she has latched on your insecurities and as she drifts away they become stronger.

 

Ha. A few months ago she was scrambling to gain control. She acted awful one night and I said I couldn't tolerate that behavior in the future. She was afraid she lost me. We hit a rough spot but grew out of it stronger than ever. Then I fell for her super hard. And now I'm the one scrambling. Life is weird.

 

If it's over I'll find out today. Good riddance if she is going to drop those bombs on me and expect to not have an emotional reaction to it. How would she feel if I said that crap to her? God that would destroy her.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I wonder if me walking away from her at the concert was the snowball that started this all. That was such an incredibly stupid thing for me to do. Man. It was just a heart-fluttery comment about wishing to marry the lead singer, but I was feeling awful after our talk about the cheating, and needed to step aside.

 

It probably showed a lack of confidence in our relationship. I apologized after and we continued to have a ton of fun that night. The next day she said it's okay and she'd rather not talk about it anymore. But was it really okay?

 

She claimed when she talked about losing feelings it had started prior, though. It's hard to tell what's true.

Edited November 17, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[LD1990]

You said something in an earlier post which stuck out to me:

 

"And she has never given me a reason to distrust her, except telling half truths about her past to protect us."

 

There's no such thing as a half truth. Something's either the truth or a lie, and telling you half truths means she's lying to you. And she's not doing it to protect you, she's doing it to protect herself. You may want to look up trickle truth and gaslighting, two ways cheaters lie to and manipulate others. The former involves giving you pieces of the truth while omitting others, which sounds like what your girlfriend is doing. I highly doubt that her cheating only involved kissing. More likely, she saw that it bothered you and watered down the real story.

 

You have to ask yourself - you already know she lies to you, so how can you ever be sure she's telling you the truth?

 

You may also want to read a bit about cluster B personality disorders, such as BPD. Downtown wrote quite a bit about BPD traits here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735

 

Learning more about BPD helped me understand why things were so crazy with my ex. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't have strong BPD traits, but a few of the things you wrote set off warning bells in my head. These relationships usually start off great during the honeymoon period, as your partner just gets you in a way no one else ever has. After that period ends, the relationship becomes up and down to an extreme degree. A hallmark of BPD is that it causes a person to fear abandonment, but also intimacy. This leads to frequent fights and makeup periods.

 

Anyways, just some food for thought, learning about this stuff really opened my eyes after my breakup, perhaps it can help you as well.

[Sunkissedpatio]

This isn't entirely her fault. I can be overly-sensitive as well, and I was after the cheating talk. I lashed out when she joked in a heart-fluttery way that she "would totally marry the lead singer" of the concert we were at the day after the cheating talk. My emotions were still high, alcohol in me, and I made a poor decision and decided to walk away before I said something stupid. She read it (probably as an insecurity) and got very angry. But god damnit I didn't want to hear that just after the conversation the day prior, regardless if it's a stupid joke. I'm horrible about imagining her past, cheating, etc, so whenever the topic is brought up I feel awful. Ever since the cheating talk and that incident I've noticed she has acted slightly different.. but I'm also extra paranoid right now, for good reason.

 

 

Is that your assumption or did she tell you that it made her angry you got insecure because here's the thing...

 

You should not act out in childish ways out of your insecurities you can certainly do that better. Storming away from her at a concert is not a good way to deal with your feelings. Your feelings aren't wrong your behaviour is.

 

The mature thing to do is to discuss how you feel when you feel it in a way that is both constructive and aims at dealing with your insecurities head on. We are not wired to do this instinctually, we are wired for fight or flight in the face of "danger" so your reaction was not uncommon but you can certainly train yourself to be expressive in a healthy way in a moment like that rather than reactionary/impulsive.

 

Having said that, if she got angry because you acted out that's one thing. If she got angry because you showed insecurity then you need to lose her.

 

A woman who cannot accept vulnerability or insecurity in her man is not a woman worth keeping. And that is a person that will force you to act in immature ways because if you do it the healthy way it makes her "mad"

Edited November 17, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[VeveCakes]

I wonder if me walking away from her at the concert was the snowball that started this all. That was such an incredibly stupid thing for me to do. Man. It was just a heart-fluttery comment about wishing to marry the lead singer, but I was feeling awful after our talk about the cheating, and needed to step aside.

 

It probably showed a lack of confidence in our relationship. I apologized after and we continued to have a ton of fun that night. The next day she said it's okay and she'd rather not talk about it anymore. But was it really okay?

 

She claimed when she talked about losing feelings it had started prior, though. It's hard to tell what's true.

 

Don't blame yourself...

 

FYI drugs and alcohol don't make you cheat. They make a great excuse though.

 

I've done plenty of both and never cheated...not even close.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Is that your assumption or did she tell you that it made her angry you got insecure because here's the thing...

 

You should not act out in childish ways out of your insecurities you can certainly do that better. Storming away from her at a concert is not a good way to deal with your feelings. Your feelings aren't wrong your behaviour is.

 

The mature thing to do is to discuss how you feel when you feel it in a way that is both constructive and aims at dealing with your insecurities head on. We are not wired to do this instinctually, we are wired for fight or flight in the face of "danger" so your reaction was not uncommon but you can certainly train yourself to be expressive in a healthy way in a moment like that rather than reactionary/impulsive.

 

Having said that, if she got angry because you acted out that's one thing. If she got angry because you showed insecurity then you need to lose her.

 

A woman who cannot accept vulnerability or insecurity in her man is not a woman worth keeping. And that is a person that will force you to act in immature ways because if you do it the healthy way it makes her "mad"

 

Totally agree, I did the wrong thing. In most cases I have no problem with behaving with a level head, making the best decision at the time.

 

I feel she was angry because of my reaction not the insecurity. She's incredibly insecure. I don't mind. Hell, it makes me feel good she can confide that in me.

 

I agree. And my current insecurity is due to my inability to correctly communicate about what's going on. I'll fix that tonight and get this sorted.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Don't blame yourself...

 

FYI drugs and alcohol don't make you cheat. They make a great excuse though.

 

I've done plenty of both and never cheated...not even close.

 

She played the victim quite a bit at first. Talk about anxiety going from 0 to 60 real quick. I am accepting it for what it is, but it's not like those feelings just go off like a light switch. I had to work on it, and made mistakes along the way.

 

I'll update you guys again after we talk.

[Sweetfish]

You said something in an earlier post which stuck out to me:

 

"And she has never given me a reason to distrust her, except telling half truths about her past to protect us."

 

There's no such thing as a half truth. Something's either the truth or a lie, and telling you half truths means she's lying to you. And she's not doing it to protect you, she's doing it to protect herself. You may want to look up trickle truth and gaslighting, two ways cheaters lie to and manipulate others. The former involves giving you pieces of the truth while omitting others, which sounds like what your girlfriend is doing. I highly doubt that her cheating only involved kissing. More likely, she saw that it bothered you and watered down the real story.

 

You have to ask yourself - you already know she lies to you, so how can you ever be sure she's telling you the truth?

 

You may also want to read a bit about cluster B personality disorders, such as BPD. Downtown wrote quite a bit about BPD traits here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735

 

Learning more about BPD helped me understand why things were so crazy with my ex. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't have strong BPD traits, but a few of the things you wrote set off warning bells in my head. These relationships usually start off great during the honeymoon period, as your partner just gets you in a way no one else ever has. After that period ends, the relationship becomes up and down to an extreme degree. A hallmark of BPD is that it causes a person to fear abandonment, but also intimacy. This leads to frequent fights and makeup periods.

 

Anyways, just some food for thought, learning about this stuff really opened my eyes after my breakup, perhaps it can help you as well.

 

I'm soooo glad you posted this... because I saw and thought exactly the same thing!!.. but hesitate to post it. I too see BPD quailties and push-pull traits... but don't deem her as full blown BPD. (Yet)

 

Her telling him about the cheating was almost like her giving him a forewarning.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'm soooo glad you posted this... because I saw and thought exactly the same thing!!.. but hesitate to post it. I too see BPD quailties and push-pull traits... but don't deem her as full blown BPD. (Yet)

 

Her telling him about the cheating was almost like her giving him a forewarning.

 

Keep in mind she didn't just tell me out of the blue.

 

I brought up the topic, cause a friend of her recently got cheated on. I asked how he was doing, and then I expressed my feelings about it. We were on the conversation for awhile, and one thing led to another. It was maybe a whole hour of talking about it.

[TheTraveler]

 

I believe her story. She ended up just kissing in both cases after taking drugs + alcohol and in the moment.

 

I missed this gem. Just a kiss in both situations? No, it was probably sex on the train tracks or humping in the back seat of car with the windows fogged out. But, yes just a kiss... :rolls eyes: