Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I missed this gem. Just a kiss in both situations? No, it was probably sex on the train tracks or humping in the back seat of car with the windows fogged out. But, yes just a kiss... :rolls eyes:

 

Not everyone is capable of ignoring their guilty conscience that far. Her personality matches her story.

[frus69]

The fact that you are willing to overlook her cheating and drug and alcohol problems makes me wonder if you suffer low self esteem

Do you believe you can't get much better than a drug addict or alcoholic or cheater?

Don't use depression as an excuse. Frankly she should not even date till she gets her sh** together

Maybe you like being a white knight

No wonder nice guys complain that they can't find a good woman and good women say there is no decent man

Edited November 17, 2016 by frus69

[breakupthrowaway663]

The fact that you are willing to overlook her cheating and drug and alcohol problems makes me wonder if you suffer low self esteem

Do you believe you can't get much better than a drug addict or alcoholic or cheater?

Don't use depression as an excuse. Frankly she should not even date till she gets her sh** together

Maybe you like being a white knight

 

Nah, it's a problem and I've brought it up to her. I dislike it, and she has been working on it (no drugs anymore, less drinking, except recently from stress). Her personality is the best I've ever dated. She has great traits and flaws I'm willing to not 'next' her for right away. I expect us to be puzzle piece that fits our good and bad traits together.

 

I can't say my self-esteem is the best. It probably feeds into my anxiety about situations like this. And I haven't had much relationship experience before 19. I was involved in a sport so much that my life had no room for dating since I was always on the road. So my mindset about relationships isn't where I'd like it to be. Too much on the immature side. That being said, I do believe I can date with good standards. I've dated extremely attractive women, but had to drop it because of travel.

 

My self-esteem could use improvements overall though, and I work at it. I'm generally confident and secure in my life. But I'm still working on my relationship skills. They are inexperienced, thus less confidence in that aspect of my life. Which is why I'm here.

[dumbass2]

So she started acting differently after the cheating talk you two had?

[breakupthrowaway663]

So she started acting differently after the cheating talk you two had?

 

I would say I personally first noticed a week and a half to two weeks after, she didn't text me for 3 days straight, right occurred right before her break down. The break down came two weeks after the initial cheating talk. Even then, it's subtle differences, made more obvious now that I'm on high alert.

 

edit: She said her reasoning for not texting was first day sick home from work (she was), then felt really depressed and just felt like isolating herself for awhile. I believe her.

Edited November 17, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[frus69]

Nah, it's a problem and I've brought it up to her. I dislike it, and she has been working on it (no drugs anymore, less drinking, except recently from stress). Her personality is the best I've ever dated. She has great traits and flaws I'm willing to not 'next' her for right away. I expect us to be puzzle piece that fits our good and bad traits together.

 

I can't say my self-esteem is the best. It probably feeds into my anxiety about situations like this. And I haven't had much relationship experience before 19. I was involved in a sport so much that my life had no room for dating since I was always on the road. So my mindset about relationships isn't where I'd like it to be. Too much on the immature side. That being said, I do believe I can date with good standards. I've dated extremely attractive women, but had to drop it because of travel.

 

My self-esteem could use improvements overall though, and I work at it. I'm generally confident and secure in my life. But I'm still working on my relationship skills. They are inexperienced, thus less confidence in that aspect of my life. Which is why I'm here.

 

She has the best personality so far probably because you haven't dated many women and don't know whats good out there. I hope one day you meet a lady who shows you what a real nice woman is

And I repeat , your relationship skill are just fine. She is the problem that would make everybodys life a headache

You will see it one day

[anika99]

I'm not trying to change her mind. I agree, I'd never want to stay with someone lukewarm about me. I told her that when she laid it out on me.

 

I get the feeling these are personal struggles she is going through. She started smoking again, drinking more often, and smoked weed a few times. She was off all drugs for almost a year and kept the drinking to a social level.

 

Started smoking, drinking more often and now back to using drugs. I'm guessing she gave those things up because they were problematic to her. Just more red flags.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Totally agree, I did the wrong thing. In most cases I have no problem with behaving with a level head, making the best decision at the time.

 

I feel she was angry because of my reaction not the insecurity. She's incredibly insecure. I don't mind. Hell, it makes me feel good she can confide that in me.

 

I agree. And my current insecurity is due to my inability to correctly communicate about what's going on. I'll fix that tonight and get this sorted.

 

That's understandable emotions were flying hight due to recent newfound knowledge about her past.

 

The term "BDP" gets thrown around here a LOT. Nothing you've expressed about this girl says to me she is BDP or even has traits of it. The fact she has cheated on her past guys I would take caution only because it's happened twice. Once is a mistake, twice you are building tolerance.

 

My personal philosophy is that when it comes to relationship morals your early 20s are the time when we make the most mistakes, we test boundaries and try to reconcile them against what we've learned growing up (or didn't), who we think we are, and who we actually want to become as individuals.

 

You sound like a decent guy with a good head on your shoulders, it looks like you are introspective enough and balanced enough to see her and yourself in the dynamic at play to do what's right.

 

Good luck tonight!

[breakupthrowaway663]

I would say I personally first noticed a week and a half to two weeks after, she didn't text me for 3 days straight, right occurred right before her break down. The break down came two weeks after the initial cheating talk. Even then, it's subtle differences, made more obvious now that I'm on high alert.

 

edit: She said her reasoning for not texting was first day sick home from work (she was), then felt really depressed and just felt like isolating herself for awhile. I believe her.

 

 

Actually, I take that back. I remember feeling like she was a bit distant the day I went to go see her when we had the cheating talk. Someone broke into her home and she had mentioned work being stressful.

[breakupthrowaway663]

30 Mins away and she called me (just off work). She's really surprised and happy I'm heading over, after her 10 hour shift today.

 

I need to be careful with this conversation. She sounds like the girl I've always known right now.

 

May the odds be ever in my favor lol

[fromheart]

I've only read the first post OP.

 

You're saying you have anxiety, your GF has depression and she has a history of cheating.

 

I'd advise to end it with the GF, work on yourself and get a new GF who is happy with her life and trustworthy.

 

Not much more to say than that.

[Versacehottie]

Totally agree, I did the wrong thing. In most cases I have no problem with behaving with a level head, making the best decision at the time.

 

I feel she was angry because of my reaction not the insecurity. She's incredibly insecure. I don't mind. Hell, it makes me feel good she can confide that in me.

 

I agree. And my current insecurity is due to my inability to correctly communicate about what's going on. I'll fix that tonight and get this sorted.

 

Your reaction IS a display of insecurity. Even if either one of you has trouble pinpointing that and expressing that, granted it is that. Someone who was feeling secure in the relationship wouldn't overreact.

 

I think the timeline you've presented could also indicate that you (OP) started doing more insecure/unconfident things leading up to and then tragically coinciding with the cheating talk. Then communication which was already shaky broke down. When I read your original post, one of the things that struck me was that she disappeared on you for 3 days--no texts, no communication. Well maybe by you to her (not sure about that part). Anyway, that could be because of the relationship or just stuff she is going through. It appears like you assumed it was you and the relationship. Which equals insecurity about the relationship/yourself in the relationship.

 

I agree with you that she doesn't sound like a villain and bet there are 3 sides to this story. That's why communication is key: i think you need better understanding of where the other is coming from to know how to proceed. I don't know as an outsider with no vested interest I see problems from both sides (like most relationships). I guess you need to see if you have the tools and wherewithal to fix them, work through them., try to understand one another. Good luck

[breakupthrowaway663]

God damnit you guys. Why do you guys have to be right. Update coming soon. It's over

[frus69]

God damnit you guys. Why do you guys have to be right. Update coming soon. It's over

 

Now thank her for not wasting your time and please give your love to a nice lady who also doesn't take drugs, get drunk, or cheat.

[TheTraveler]

God damnit you guys. Why do you guys have to be right. Update coming soon. It's over

 

Appreciate you updating the thread. It's all right, you'll find the right one some day :thumbs up:

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'm very proud of how I handled it.

 

Once I arrived I sat in the back of the car with her and said I have felt our communication slipping, and I have observed different behavior lately. I told her I want her to be clear and honest with me about what's going on. I told her my needs were not being met, and listed a few of my observations and how I felt about them.

 

She said she has felt she has fell into some big personal issues, of which she doesn't seem to fully understand. Obviously she is in a bad place, it was more about the body language than the actual words.

 

Eventually I pressed and said I want her to be honest with me about everything, now is the time to tell me what's going on.

 

She held back for a moment, and then she let it out. She's been crushing on some other guy (not cheating -- which by the look in her eyes I felt was true). Surprisingly, I stayed very calm. I honestly believe people do crush on others in relationships (more than attraction), but you have to choose what's important to you. I told her that. I asked who it was and thankfully she declined to tell me. I'd probably end up sizing myself up in my head anyway.

 

I followed with telling her I can support her through her depression and problems, I love her for who she is, but if she doesn't see me in the picture or does feel love for me, we have to be over. Crying followed.

 

She said she wants to do this on her own. I said I want to be with someone who loves being with me, although I do think she's a great person and I do love her, we had to end it.

 

She told me she still loves me, and I'm the greatest person to ever come into her life. She thanked me for everything I did to improve her life. I thanked her as well. It was sorrowful, but not angry.

 

So we did it. That was it.

 

There was another 40 minutes of closure. One last hug. I made it clear I will not talk to her again, and she will not see me again. This is it. She cried more. Actually, by this point her tears were flowing.

 

Done. Over. From here I suppose the best move is NC. Her sister messaged me soon after and is ashamed of her sister (the sister really loved me), and tried to explain her sister has been broken ever since their mom passing. She also said my now ex always looked up to me in a way that she felt she couldn't achieve what I had (I have a really nice career for 24. She's a college dropout). I didn't think much of it, I always thought of her as equals. She had put me on a pedestal.

 

Anyway. NC for now.

Edited November 18, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[MarkIVSteel]

I'm very proud of how I handled it.

 

Once I arrived I sat in the back of the car with her and said I have felt our communication slipping, and I have observed different behavior lately. I told her I want her to be clear and honest with me about what's going on. I told her my needs were not being met, and listed a few of my observations and how I felt about them.

 

She said she has felt she has fell into some big personal issues, of which she doesn't seem to fully understand. Obviously she is in a bad place, it was more about the body language than the actual words.

 

Eventually I pressed and said I want her to be honest with me about everything, now is the time to tell me what's going on.

 

She held back for a moment, and then she let it out. She's been crushing on some other guy (not cheating -- which by the look in her eyes I felt was true). Surprisingly, I stayed very calm. I honestly believe people do crush on others in relationships (more than attraction), but you have to choose what's important to you. I told her that. I asked who it was and thankfully she declined to tell me. I'd probably end up sizing myself up in my head anyway.

 

I followed with telling her I can support her through her depression and problems, I love her for who she is, but if she doesn't see me in the picture or does feel love for me, we have to be over. Crying followed.

 

She said she wants to do this on her own. I said I want to be with someone who loves being with me, although I do think she's a great person and I do love her, we had to end it.

 

She told me she still loves me, and I'm the greatest person to ever come into her life. She thanked me for everything I did to improve her life. I thanked her as well. It was sorrowful, but not angry.

 

So we did it. That was it.

 

There was another 40 minutes of closure. One last hug. I made it clear I will not talk to her again, and she will not see me again. This is it. She cried more. Actually, by this point her tears were flowing.

 

Done. Over. From here I suppose the best move is NC. Her sister messaged me soon after and is ashamed of her sister (the sister really loved me), and tried to explain her sister has been broken ever since their mom passing. She also said my now ex always looked up to me in a way that she felt she couldn't achieve what I had (I have a really nice career for 24. She's a college dropout). I didn't think much of it, I always thought of her as equals. She had put me on a pedestal.

 

Anyway. NC for now.

 

It sucks to be right.

 

However, I do want to add that she is still lying. She's not just "crushing" on this guy. She's probably already gone out with him and f*cked him, gave him bjs etc.

[Frozensushi]

It sucks to be right.

 

However, I do want to add that she is still lying. She's not just "crushing" on this guy. She's probably already gone out with him and f*cked him, gave him bjs etc.

 

I'm with you on this. She never suffered any long-term consequence from her previous exploits, why stop now? I just read this entire thread, some great advice that turned out to be ultimately true.

 

OP, go hardcore NC. Media Blackout. It's not about her, it's about you now.

[frus69]

Yikes. I don't think she is off banging other guys. Some people like to throw that around as the answer to all siuations.

.

 

Well look who's silly now? LMAO

 

 

Serial cheaters never stop, whether emotional or physical. She may be emotionally cheating now but OP, had you not pushed her for the truth she would continue seeing you while having a thing for this guy and eventually, physically cheat on you. Please stop thinking she's a poor girl who looks up to you. Instead be grateful you didn't let her play you like a fool.

 

 

You are ok with people crushing on someone else in a relationship? yeah..for couples who married for 25 years maybe. How long have you been together? And she's already crushing someone else, and you are ok with it? Seriously? Please, lift your standards! You really can do better! Please stop throwing the word "love" around...makes me cringe.

 

 

Also you probably ARE too good for her. And surprisingly those relationships often end badly. They always end up with someone just as broken. You should pursue someone within the same league. I'm baffled why guys just cant tell want kind of women are problems. It's always so easy to tell as a woman.

Edited November 18, 2016 by frus69

[Sweetfish]

I'm very proud of how I handled it.

 

Once I arrived I sat in the back of the car with her and said I have felt our communication slipping, and I have observed different behavior lately. I told her I want her to be clear and honest with me about what's going on. I told her my needs were not being met, and listed a few of my observations and how I felt about them.

 

She said she has felt she has fell into some big personal issues, of which she doesn't seem to fully understand. Obviously she is in a bad place, it was more about the body language than the actual words.

 

Eventually I pressed and said I want her to be honest with me about everything, now is the time to tell me what's going on.

 

She held back for a moment, and then she let it out. She's been crushing on some other guy (not cheating -- which by the look in her eyes I felt was true). Surprisingly, I stayed very calm. I honestly believe people do crush on others in relationships (more than attraction), but you have to choose what's important to you. I told her that. I asked who it was and thankfully she declined to tell me. I'd probably end up sizing myself up in my head anyway.

 

I followed with telling her I can support her through her depression and problems, I love her for who she is, but if she doesn't see me in the picture or does feel love for me, we have to be over. Crying followed.

 

She said she wants to do this on her own. I said I want to be with someone who loves being with me, although I do think she's a great person and I do love her, we had to end it.

 

She told me she still loves me, and I'm the greatest person to ever come into her life. She thanked me for everything I did to improve her life. I thanked her as well. It was sorrowful, but not angry.

 

So we did it. That was it.

 

There was another 40 minutes of closure. One last hug. I made it clear I will not talk to her again, and she will not see me again. This is it. She cried more. Actually, by this point her tears were flowing.

 

Done. Over. From here I suppose the best move is NC. Her sister messaged me soon after and is ashamed of her sister (the sister really loved me), and tried to explain her sister has been broken ever since their mom passing. She also said my now ex always looked up to me in a way that she felt she couldn't achieve what I had (I have a really nice career for 24. She's a college dropout). I didn't think much of it, I always thought of her as equals. She had put me on a pedestal.

 

Anyway. NC for now.

 

I'm glad you avoided this bullet.. but you have to understand all the crap she is telling you is smoke and mirrors.

 

"She said she has felt she has fell into some big personal issues, of which she doesn't seem to fully understand. "

 

"She said she wants to do this on her own."

 

Lies lies lies...

 

Take it at face value.. she does not want to be with you and better to start working on you.. because you HAVE more than just little insecurities if you were ok with the current scenario

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'm glad you avoided this bullet.. but you have to understand all the crap she is telling you is smoke and mirrors.

 

"She said she has felt she has fell into some big personal issues, of which she doesn't seem to fully understand. "

 

"She said she wants to do this on her own."

 

Lies lies lies...

 

Take it at face value.. she does not want to be with you and better to start working on you.. because you HAVE more than just little insecurities if you were ok with the current scenario

 

I'm not okay with it. I mean I ended it because I am not okay with her being lukewarm. I could understand a passing crush. Concerning yes, but we are humans and if she was like hell yes I still want to be with you, I'd work through it (hopefully). But everything else added up to way more than I was able to handle. She's as good as dead to me now.

 

I feel my insecurities completely disappearing now. It seems they were all mostly with my relationship. Figures.

[TheTraveler]

I'm not okay with it. I mean I ended it because I am not okay with her being lukewarm. I could understand a passing crush. Concerning yes, but we are humans and if she was like hell yes I still want to be with you, I'd work through it (hopefully). But everything else added up to way more than I was able to handle. She's as good as dead to me now.

 

I feel my insecurities completely disappearing now. It seems they were all mostly with my relationship. Figures.

 

Lets be real. She ended it weeks/months ago.

 

What to learn from this? Recognize it much sooner and make changes then.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Lets be real. She ended it weeks/months ago.

 

What to learn from this? Recognize it much sooner and make changes then.

 

Oh c'mon cut the guy some slack. It's much easier to tell someone what to do than to actually do it when you are the one in love and in the relationship.

 

He showed true strength and determination and self-respect tonight. That's all that matters. Everyone works at their own pace and has their own moment of realization.

 

Sorry you had to end it breakupthrow and sorry we were right that she had someone else in mind. That really sucks. People really suck sometimes.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Your reaction IS a display of insecurity. Even if either one of you has trouble pinpointing that and expressing that, granted it is that. Someone who was feeling secure in the relationship wouldn't overreact.

 

I think the timeline you've presented could also indicate that you (OP) started doing more insecure/unconfident things leading up to and then tragically coinciding with the cheating talk. Then communication which was already shaky broke down. When I read your original post, one of the things that struck me was that she disappeared on you for 3 days--no texts, no communication. Well maybe by you to her (not sure about that part). Anyway, that could be because of the relationship or just stuff she is going through. It appears like you assumed it was you and the relationship. Which equals insecurity about the relationship/yourself in the relationship.

 

I agree with you that she doesn't sound like a villain and bet there are 3 sides to this story. That's why communication is key: i think you need better understanding of where the other is coming from to know how to proceed. I don't know as an outsider with no vested interest I see problems from both sides (like most relationships). I guess you need to see if you have the tools and wherewithal to fix them, work through them., try to understand one another. Good luck

 

Yes, I agree I made mistakes. I started to feel all that insecurity before the cheating talk due to her behavior, and then the concert reaction was another lash out. Should I really blame myself though? I was otherwise confident and kept our relationship bond strong, until I noticed a change in behavior. I never pressed her on things or projected insecurities otherwise.

 

The 3 day period I sent a couple texts. Mostly just telling her what I was up to. I never asked why she was distant until I could actually talk to her and see if everything was okay. I didn't think it was because of me/us until when I asked how she was and she dropped a bomb on me. I still stayed fairly strong and acted secure and patient in the days that followed.

 

Our sex life was fantastic, our time together was fantastic, our texting was witty and fun. The only signs of insecurity are the ones I talked about here.

 

And the cheating talk was a normal conversation. I keep repeating myself on this. I was asking how her friend was handling herself. Eventually I expressed how I feel about cheating in a totally casual and normal way. Then she expressed she feels empathetic and can understand why cheaters do it. I disagreed but she stood firm and said there are times when it's okay and can understand, but still overall wrong. And then I asked why she has that mindset, and she told me because she's been there and done it twice, regrettably.

 

Now would that conversation provoke insecurity and distrust in you too? I would think so.

 

I feel awful for lashing out and not handling it better, dealing with my insecurities so they didn't erupt. I just hope I didn't ruin this relationship because of it.

Edited November 18, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[MarkIVSteel]

Yes, I agree I made mistakes. I started to feel all that insecurity before the cheating talk due to her behavior, and then the concert reaction was another lash out. Should I really blame myself though? I was otherwise confident and kept our relationship bond strong, until I noticed a change in behavior. I never pressed her on things or projected insecurities otherwise.

 

The 3 day period I sent a couple texts. Mostly just telling her what I was up to. I never asked why she was distant until I could actually talk to her and see if everything was okay. I didn't think it was because of me/us until when I asked how she was and she dropped a bomb on me. I still stayed fairly strong and acted secure and patient in the days that followed.

 

Our sex life was fantastic, our time together was fantastic, our texting was witty and fun. The only signs of insecurity are the ones I talked about here.

 

And the cheating talk was a normal conversation. I keep repeating myself on this. I was asking how her friend was handling herself. Eventually I expressed how I feel about cheating in a totally casual and normal way. Then she expressed she feels empathetic and can understand why cheaters do it. I disagreed but she stood firm and said there are times when it's okay and can understand, but still overall wrong. And then I asked why she has that mindset, and she told me because she's been there and done it twice, regrettably.

 

Now would that conversation provoke insecurity and distrust in you too? I would think so.

 

I feel awful for lashing out and not handling it better, dealing with my insecurities so they didn't erupt. I just hope I didn't ruin this relationship because of it.

 

Stop feeling guilty for having some self respect and discarding trash like her. She CHEATED on YOU. She is a chronic cheater. She's a liar and a manipulative person.

 

Stop feeling bad for a person who would have brought you nothing but pain as time went on.