Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[Frozensushi]

I disagreed but she stood firm and said there are times when it's okay and can understand, but still overall wrong. And then I asked why she has that mindset, and she told me because she's been there and done it twice, regrettably.

 

Oh really? There are times when it's okay to cheat? Like on an Exam or, cheating someone out of money because 'reasons'? People will justify just about anything even when it is wrong. That rationale could be applied to a lot of things, but does it make it right?

 

it just shows you her values. Do they match up with yours?

[CommittedToThis]

I feel my insecurities completely disappearing now. It seems they were all mostly with my relationship. Figures.

 

Hey man -- BRAVO, dude. I am so proud of you, young man. Great job getting out of this situation.

 

Here's the thing: in future dating relationships you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache by acknowledging your instincts, insecurities, gut feelings, and intuitions as legitimate reasons to turn tail and run immediately.

 

At worst, you'll be wrong -- maybe you'll dump The Perfect Woman™ over a mistaken red flag on your part.

 

Most likely, you'll be right. True intuition is an amazing thing (not paranoia, jealousy, etc). You knew without a doubt your insecurity in this relationship was trying to tell you something, you are not normally insecure but with her, you were.

 

Either way, by acting decisively and quickly you'll avoid the kind of prolonged emotional instability you recently experienced at the hands of the drug abusing cheater. I think it's better to err on the side of caution, you know?

 

There are billions of women out there and it takes time to find one who's right for you; speed up the process if at all possible and trust your instincts from the beginning. 99% you'll be right.

 

Again, great job. I have high hopes for you.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hey man -- BRAVO, dude. I am so proud of you, young man. Great job getting out of this situation.

 

Here's the thing: in future dating relationships you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache by acknowledging your instincts, insecurities, gut feelings, and intuitions as legitimate reasons to turn tail and run immediately.

 

At worst, you'll be wrong -- maybe you'll dump The Perfect Woman™ over a mistaken red flag on your part.

 

Most likely, you'll be right. True intuition is an amazing thing (not paranoia, jealousy, etc). You knew without a doubt your insecurity in this relationship was trying to tell you something, you are not normally insecure but with her, you were.

 

Either way, by acting decisively and quickly you'll avoid the kind of prolonged emotional instability you recently experienced at the hands of the drug abusing cheater. I think it's better to err on the side of caution, you know?

 

There are billions of women out there and it takes time to find one who's right for you; speed up the process if at all possible and trust your instincts from the beginning. 99% you'll be right.

 

Again, great job. I have high hopes for you.

 

Thanks, and thanks guys.

 

I did have some jealousy and paranoia, but I think that was due to the insecurities and not doing something about them. Mate-guarding, if you will.

 

I will probably post an updated break up thread in the break up forum and link it here. I'm sure I'll need a bit of help internalizing this still. Although everyone's help so far has been great.

 

I still don't know if she cheated, but who cares at this point.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Done. Over. From here I suppose the best move is NC. Her sister messaged me soon after and is ashamed of her sister (the sister really loved me), and tried to explain her sister has been broken ever since their mom passing. She also said my now ex always looked up to me in a way that she felt she couldn't achieve what I had (I have a really nice career for 24. She's a college dropout). I didn't think much of it, I always thought of her as equals. She had put me on a pedestal.

 

Anyway. NC for now.

 

 

Like with a lot of cheaters there seems to be some self-loathing under the surface and there is nothing you could have done to fix that.

 

Whether she self-sabotages because she feels unworthy of healthy love, or she is simply someone that will never be able to love because she is "chasing the dragon" with her infatuations, trying to recreate the initial "romantic high", it's her issue.

 

I'm glad she turned you down to support her. The last thing you need is to stay friends with her, it will only destroy you emotionally.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Like with a lot of cheaters there seems to be some self-loathing under the surface and there is nothing you could have done to fix that.

 

Whether she self-sabotages because she feels unworthy of healthy love, or she is simply someone that will never be able to love because she is "chasing the dragon" with her infatuations, trying to recreate the initial "romantic high", it's her issue.

 

I'm glad she turned you down to support her. The last thing you need is to stay friends with her, it will only destroy you emotionally.

 

I would have only supported her if we were together. I told her I could never be friends with her again. That's my personal policy I learned from a very rough, slow break-up in the past. I already blocked her on all social media, cancelled her flight, and am packaging her clothes and things tonight w/ a friend.

 

I almost forgot. When I asked if she cheated on me, she said "no, never", and looked really hurt when I said it. And then I asked "Well, have you thought about it?". And she said "yes... I have". So that means she's been talking to and seeing this guy frequently? Probably in her friend circle or a coworker. Some guy giving her positive attention. She cheated because of that before. She was in a "bad place" and someone came around and was like a light in her life. Girl, every relationship has rough spots.

 

You have to learn to fight through them and become stronger. Regardless of my projected insecurities, cheating talk, etc, this relationship was toast.

 

I don't need that in my life. Where the hell did she even go. All that talk about her being madly in love was just nonsense. What a joke.

Edited November 18, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[LD1990]

She's a cheater, she's a liar, and she's ****ed in the head. As hard as it may be, don't waste your time over-analyzing the situation. You've just got to accept that you'll never know for sure what she was doing behind your back (because you sure as hell can't take her word for it), but now that you two aren't together anymore, it doesn't matter anyway.

 

It hurts when this happens, but you're better off for it. Use this as a learning experience. You'll be much better at recognizing red flags in a woman now that you've dealt with this firsthand, provided you use your brain. Don't be one of those idiots who keeps falling for the same **** over and over.

 

You've done the right thing by going NC, be prepared for her to find some way to contact you again though. It'll be under the guise of "seeing how you're doing" and "feeling terrible about how things ended," but the real reason will be that she wants her ego massaged. Don't fall for it.

 

You're still young and at least you only wasted 9 months on this one! You got lucky, trust me.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I don't need that in my life. Where the hell did she even go. All that talk about her being madly in love was just nonsense. What a joke.

 

No you don't! And I feel you. Some of us who have been there and lied to right 'til the end, to our faces, given all that bullcrap about how "in love they are with us," how "they would do anything for us," how they made love to us right until the very last minute looking us in the eyes and telling us "I need you, you are everything to me" know exactly how you feel.

 

Yup it feels like a joke, and it feels like how could there be people so duplicitous and phoney that can act that way right to your face? Especially a person who is claiming to love you.

 

It's hard for some of us to understand because we are just not wired to act that way.

 

 

I almost forgot. When I asked if she cheated on me, she said "no, never", and looked really hurt when I said it. And then I asked "Well, have you thought about it?". And she said "yes... I have". So that means she's been talking to and seeing this guy frequently? Probably in her friend circle or a coworker. Some guy giving her positive attention. She cheated because of that before. She was in a "bad place" and someone came around and was like a light in her life. Girl, every relationship has rough spots.

 

You have to learn to fight through them and become stronger. Regardless of my projected insecurities, cheating talk, etc, this relationship was toast.

 

Exactly! Every relationship has ups and downs and hardships, if you learn to look outward for the answers you will never learn the true intimacy that comes with love. It's those hardships, and working through them as a team that make you grow stronger as a couple and love deepens. That's why I said early on that her line about "the butterflies gone" lead me to believe she has no experience in love.

 

This girl had no boundaries. Cheaters, overlappers, emotional cheaters, monkey branchers, the whole lot of them have trouble with setting and keeping boundaries because of their sense of entitlement. They talk a big game but often under-deliver.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[MarkIVSteel]

When I asked if she cheated on me, she said "no, never", and looked really hurt when I said it.

 

Of course, she will say no because she's a LIAR. She's already cheated hence the "hurt look" aka guilt. Women rarely ever monkey branch unless they firmly have the next branch in their grasp.

[elaine567]

Of course, she will say no because she's a LIAR. She's already cheated hence the "hurt look" aka guilt. Women rarely ever monkey branch unless they firmly have the next branch in their grasp.

 

YOU don't know that, no-one does apart from her.

The OP loves this girl, I do not think denigrating her with unsubstantiated accusations will do HIM much good here. Stop trying to stir things up, is he not feeling bad enough already?

 

Truth is that "love" can turn on a sixpence.

The wrong thing said, a look, a fight, an opinion, a lack of respect, reduced reliability, fading attraction, no progress, little trust, boredom...etc. etc. and it can all be over in an instant.

A sudden realisation that this is not "the one" can make all those future plans and professions of love made in all good faith at the time, totally worthless.

Love is not everlasting, most flit from being immersed in "love" to indifference, or to hate pretty quickly and that is why the forum is full of people with broken hearts.

Dating is about finding people who fit, not about trying to fit square pegs into round holes, because WE(general we) want it to be so.

 

She, I guess was just not feeling it any more and she even tried to break up before but lost her nerve, in the face of "pressure" from the OP.

She has now been honest and set him free.

That is a good thing actually.

It means he knows exactly where he stands and thus he can cleanly move on, with no what ifs, buts or maybes.

[joseb]

 

Truth is that "love" can turn on a sixpence.

The wrong thing said, a look, a fight, an opinion, a lack of respect, reduced reliability, fading attraction, no progress, little trust, boredom...etc. etc. and it can all be over in an instant. finding people who fit, not about trying to fit square pegs into round holes, because WE(general we) want it to be so.

 

Yip, this is true, and it was never really right if it does turn that quickly.

So people shouldn't worry that they somehow caused everything to fall apart from one simple mistake - it was going to happen eventually.

[LD1990]

The OP loves this girl, I do not think denigrating her with unsubstantiated accusations will do HIM much good here. Stop trying to stir things up, is he not feeling bad enough already?

 

Unsubstantiated!? Denigrating? Really? Let's see:

-She admitted to cheating in two previous relationships.

-OP said she has told him half-truths, aka lies, in the past.

-SHE LITERALLY TOLD HIM THERE'S ANOTHER GUY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON.

 

Calling those cheating accusations unsubstantiated is an absolute joke. There's plenty of evidence to support those accusations. But hey, she said she didn't do it, and she's obviously so trustworthy, right?

 

No one's denigrating this girl. We don't have to. She has made her lack of character very obvious, we're just telling OP the truth here. If anything, your nonsense about how she was "honest" and "set him free" does more harm than good. No, the only reason she ever admitted to ANYTHING is because he forced the issue, but you're making her look like Mother Theresa.

[elaine567]

Unsubstantiated!? Denigrating? Really? Let's see:

-She admitted to cheating in two previous relationships.

-OP said she has told him half-truths, aka lies, in the past.

-SHE LITERALLY TOLD HIM THERE'S ANOTHER GUY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON.

 

Calling those cheating accusations unsubstantiated is an absolute joke. There's plenty of evidence to support those accusations. But hey, she said she didn't do it, and she's obviously so trustworthy, right?

 

No one's denigrating this girl. We don't have to. She has made her lack of character very obvious, we're just telling OP the truth here. If anything, your nonsense about how she was "honest" and "set him free" does more harm than good. No, the only reason she ever admitted to ANYTHING is because he forced the issue, but you're making her look like Mother Theresa.

 

I did not say, she is Mother Theresa, she is a girl "with issues", I would have to agree, but there is NO hard evidence that she lied to the OP here during their talk.

People may do all sorts of things in the past, it doesn't mean they still do them.

Having a crush does NOT mean she leapt into bed, she said she did not cheat, how do YOU know she did?

YOU actually know her, do you? YOU were there?

It is all very well stating that there is a likelihood that this or that happened or did not happen, but coming out with huge statements as if they are facts is not fair to anyone.

[LD1990]

I did not say, she is Mother Theresa, she is a girl "with issues", I would have to agree, but there is NO hard evidence that she lied to the OP here during their talk.

People may do all sorts of things in the past, it doesn't mean they still do them.

Having a crush does NOT mean she leapt into bed, she said she did not cheat, how do YOU know she did?

YOU actually know her, do you? YOU were there?

It is all very well stating that there is a likelihood that this or that happened or did not happen, but coming out with huge statements as if they are facts is not fair to anyone.

 

She has now been honest and set him free.

 

So just to be clear, you can declare that she has now been honest, but it's wrong for anyone to declare that she's lying? I guess I should ask you the same pointless rhetorical questions - how do you know she's honest? You know her? You were there?

[elaine567]

So just to be clear, you can declare that she has now been honest, but it's wrong for anyone to declare that she's lying? I guess I should ask you the same pointless rhetorical questions - how do you know she's honest? You know her? You were there?

 

She has been "honest" in that she said she is not willing to continue the relationship any longer with the OP.

She wants to sort out her "stuff" on her own.

She could have just strung him along or faded or ghosted on him.

He has closure now and that is a good thing.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Her sister messaged me, saying she would personally miss me. I probably should have dropped the conversation but I told her to take care of her sister and that I wish them the best, although I don't fully understand what happened.

 

It sounds like she doesn't understand either, but she did say a few things.

 

I mentioned she has a problem with cheating and valued a fantasy connection over our own. She said her sister would have said something if she was cheating.

 

I asked if she ever mentioned depression, because for her own sake I hope you can help her. She didn't really mention it, apparently.

 

The sister said maybe she got cold feet, didn't think I was the one. But I never asked her to marry me... we were 10 months in. Christ.

 

Then eventually her sister dropped the one that hurt the most. She said she thinks my now ex didn't feel like she could be herself. That she knew I wanted her to be healthy by not smoking, but I shouldn't try to make her so. And it just makes her want to do it more. And she even felt uncomfortable farting around me. What?!

 

My now ex always said she felt more like herself, more inspired, more witty, than with anyone she has ever met. The smoking was an issue but I didn't batter her over it. I just said please don't smoke and expect me to kiss you. I do have boundaries. Yes when she did dangerous levels of drugs or got blackout drunk I knew she felt miserable about it, but I never compounded her guilt. I was patient. We did make a pact to be sober for a month (which she was excited about), and she had a beer the next day, which did frustrate me quite a bit (seriously, the next day?). But I calmed down and we worked it through eventually.

 

Ugh, did I push this girl away? This is unbelievable.

[selinaluv]

Some guy giving her positive attention. She cheated because of that before. She was in a "bad place" and someone came around and was like a light in her life. Girl, every relationship has rough spots.

 

Don't try to obsess what worked or didn't on this one and why she didn't stick it out in the rough spots.

 

Her actions have more to do with her internal struggles then the state of your relationship at the time.

 

You nailed it here when you said she cheated because of the attention and validation it gave her. That is about her insecurities, lack of self love, depression and nothing to do with the feelings she had in the relationship. She will never truly be happy if she can't find happiness within herself and she will always be searching for the "light" and validation from others to help fill that hole - hence the serial cheating.

 

I say this because my ex husband was the same. And I did not listen to the signs as a naive 23 year old when he told me I was the only woman he wouldn't cheat on, which means he did with all the others. We married and I believed he was faithful for a long time. Until his inner turmoils returned and he did.

 

Our relationship was pretty good, with the natural ups and downs in a marriage with a young child. But he blamed himself and his issues and me... all of it on his infidelity and wanting to leave. He said he had to "do him" and also claimed he didn't understand what caused him to do it.

 

It was our marriage counselor that began to call him on this, but he still would not admit it. He is married again (to the other woman) and I truly believe and would put money on it (actually because I have proof...) that he continues his patterns.

[elaine567]

Ugh, did I push this girl away? This is unbelievable.

 

If you did push her away, deliberately? subconsciously? you only did so because you and she were not a match made in heaven.

[selinaluv]

If you did push her away, deliberately? subconsciously? you only did so because you and she were not a match made in heaven.

 

Yes and consider it a blessing...

[breakupthrowaway663]

True. We weren't a fit. I didn't think I'd be made out to be controlling though. I need to work on that I think.

[Redhead14]

I should clarify on the cheating talk.

 

I believe her story. She ended up just kissing in both cases after taking drugs + alcohol and in the moment. She immediately felt awful and ended the relationship, which was already on the way out. One case the guy cheated on her a few months prior and it was falling apart.

 

I believe her. Still bad? Yes. Do I believe she'd do it on me? I'm pretty sure no. Her relationships seemed like they were at a bad point, although playing the victim card is no excuse in my opinion.

 

Do I believe she'd do it on me? I'm pretty sure no. - Said all the other guys . . .

[MarkIVSteel]

Her sister messaged me, saying she would personally miss me. I probably should have dropped the conversation but I told her to take care of her sister and that I wish them the best, although I don't fully understand what happened.

 

It sounds like she doesn't understand either, but she did say a few things.

 

I mentioned she has a problem with cheating and valued a fantasy connection over our own. She said her sister would have said something if she was cheating.

 

I asked if she ever mentioned depression, because for her own sake I hope you can help her. She didn't really mention it, apparently.

 

The sister said maybe she got cold feet, didn't think I was the one. But I never asked her to marry me... we were 10 months in. Christ.

 

Then eventually her sister dropped the one that hurt the most. She said she thinks my now ex didn't feel like she could be herself. That she knew I wanted her to be healthy by not smoking, but I shouldn't try to make her so. And it just makes her want to do it more. And she even felt uncomfortable farting around me. What?!

 

My now ex always said she felt more like herself, more inspired, more witty, than with anyone she has ever met. The smoking was an issue but I didn't batter her over it. I just said please don't smoke and expect me to kiss you. I do have boundaries. Yes when she did dangerous levels of drugs or got blackout drunk I knew she felt miserable about it, but I never compounded her guilt. I was patient. We did make a pact to be sober for a month (which she was excited about), and she had a beer the next day, which did frustrate me quite a bit (seriously, the next day?). But I calmed down and we worked it through eventually.

 

Ugh, did I push this girl away? This is unbelievable.

 

Bro, stop talking to her sister. You might as well be talking to your ex. Of course her ex is going to say stuff to guilt trip you and make you feel bad. Delete and move on.

[breakupthrowaway663]

All blocked. Radio silence here we go.

[TheTraveler]

All blocked. Radio silence here we go.

 

I know this board preaches this a lot, but if you're mentally strong I'm down for a ONS with the ex on down the road if i'm single.

 

Now you? Don't know your situation, but hit the gym, try new hobbies, etc. Keep moving forward.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I know this board preaches this a lot, but if you're mentally strong I'm down for a ONS with the ex on down the road if i'm single.

 

Now you? Don't know your situation, but hit the gym, try new hobbies, etc. Keep moving forward.

 

Nah, she can go **** herself, literally.

[MarkIVSteel]

All blocked. Radio silence here we go.

 

Nah, she can go **** herself, literally.

 

Good job!!!