Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[TheTraveler]

Nah, she can go **** herself, literally.

 

Yep, with this attitude, you're not there lol

[Sunkissedpatio]

Nah, she can go **** herself, literally.

 

Love it!

 

Hanging on for sex is lame.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Nah, she can go **** herself, literally.

 

double post woops...

 

Hanging on for sex is valuing them sexually more than yourself.

[Sweetfish]

 

Then eventually her sister dropped the one that hurt the most. She said she thinks my now ex didn't feel like she could be herself. That she knew I wanted her to be healthy by not smoking, but I shouldn't try to make her so. And it just makes her want to do it more. And she even felt uncomfortable farting around me. What?!

 

My now ex always said she felt more like herself, more inspired, more witty, than with anyone she has ever met. The smoking was an issue but I didn't batter her over it. I just said please don't smoke and expect me to kiss you. I do have boundaries. Yes when she did dangerous levels of drugs or got blackout drunk I knew she felt miserable about it, but I never compounded her guilt. I was patient. We did make a pact to be sober for a month (which she was excited about), and she had a beer the next day, which did frustrate me quite a bit (seriously, the next day?). But I calmed down and we worked it through eventually.

 

Ugh, did I push this girl away? This is unbelievable.

 

 

Guy... you are sooo hard headed.

 

Re-qouted for truth

 

Because she is conflicted..

 

She is conflicted between the nice guy and the real her. She may enjoy the nice life now of the gentle kind man and when the honeymoon period is finish what going to happen when the butterflies are really gone?

 

But im glad you will remember the month of November.

 

I believe you have good instincts. Seriously, when women talk don't trust a thing. Just do you. It's very often in a relationship the person will mirror the person they are into.. this can only last sooo long

Edited November 19, 2016 by Sweetfish

[TheTraveler]

double post woops...

 

Hanging on for sex is valuing them sexually more than yourself.

 

Who said anything about hanging on?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Who said anything about hanging on?

 

You have an entire world of options to have sex with looking forward. If you are willing to look backwards for sex you are hanging on.

 

At least that's the message you are giving the other person.

[TheTraveler]

You have an entire world of options to have sex with looking forward. If you are willing to look backwards for sex you are hanging on.

 

At least that's the message you are giving the other person.

 

No.

 

If an ex contacts me on down the road and I'm not attached, I can easily hang out and screw her brains out for one night.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Man, crushing on another guy. I still can't believe it.

 

Just last week everything was going great. Amazing time together, amazing sex, everything was so great. Such a shock after all she felt for me.

[MarkIVSteel]

Man, crushing on another guy. I still can't believe it.

 

Just last week everything was going great. Amazing time together, amazing sex, everything was so great. Such a shock after all she felt for me.

 

The first couple days or weeks might hurt but ride it out. You're strong. The shock or pain will go away as you meet other women especially ones who aren't liars, cheaters, and manipulators.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I went ahead and posted on the break-up forums. Every minute is harder than the last. Gah

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/603254-feeling-like-there-still-hope-did-i-go-wrong-right

[breakupthrowaway663]

More fun to throw into the mix.I guess it wasn't just kissing after all?

 

For all of you who will take pride in being right.

 

http://oi65.tinypic.com/5buqrp.jpg

 

What he said is kind of confusing, but it sounds like he was cheated on twice?

 

Wow..

Edited November 20, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[LD1990]

You dodged a bullet. Be glad you were only with her months instead of years.

 

Don't feel too badly that she fooled you. Like I said before, it's a learning experience. She has been in multiple relationships and manipulated a lot of guys over the years, I guarantee it. From what you've said, you're relatively inexperienced in relationships, so of course you'd have trouble seeing through her deceptions. In the future, you'll know better.

 

Forget about her, keep dating, bang a few other girls, this ***** will be a distant memory before you know it.

[Sweetfish]

More fun to throw into the mix.I guess it wasn't just kissing after all?

 

For all of you who will take pride in being right.

 

http://oi65.tinypic.com/5buqrp.jpg

 

What he said is kind of confusing, but it sounds like he was cheated on twice?

 

Wow..

 

its not about pride. its for your own good and what is truth. These girls find nice guy because they get the benefits of being treated like a true women, but yearn for sex and the city life style.

 

 

Nice guys lust for a fantasy where we take care of the women and in return we get a pretty innocent house wife who takes care of the kids and you live in a house with a big backyard. where you believe you will travel on holiday and enjoy each other companies. Women typical want a good looking guy, with a good job and is respectful and will be a good father and etc.

 

They are both miss leading my friend.

 

The human Id and Superego are to thank for what happen between you and your girlfriend.

 

There is 3 basic principle of human personality. The personality is always shown as a iceberg and dissected into 3 parts. The Id is usually the part of the Iceberg you do not see. It encompasses the REAL YOU minus the rules of religion, society, and morals what you see at the surface is the Ego and superego.

 

THAT IS WHY IT TAKES 2-5 YEARS TO REALLY (might) KNOW SOMEONE.

 

because you will only see a fraction of that person as their ego will control deep desires from coming to light.. specially for someone you care for.

 

Your ex's idea of being with you satisfies what society wants us to be. "perfect" That's the superego... that's the part where her values lay and when men and women tell you they want the Disney life. This is the b.s. about she wants to continue school and be this and that.

 

The EGO is the part you see in action too. This is when she kisses, sleeps with you, and hugs and says she loves and wants to meet your parents. She is trying to satisfy the deep desires and maintain morals. unfortunately this is not enough to satisfy those desires.

 

When she told you she cheated twice. It was a forewarning.

 

If you don't hit those deep desires...your out pal.

ironically... you never knew what they where

 

 

However, because she has low ego strength (ethics) what ever you want to call it.. her desires overrule the standards society has placed. She wants to fart, drink and do drugs. So she needs to be with someone that fill those desires..

 

I think that is why women get the GIGS more than men... because women follow feelings more than logic and deep desires (feelings ) do not always give you positive results.

 

I often hear that women go to a club, start college, or go on a trip and magically become disconnected to the man they are in love with simply because the desire for the man has shifted to something else. That is simply human nature. They soon get burnt out of clubs or getting validation from guys and now have to find love at an older age and see the harsh realities of society, bills, work, and what unconditional love really is and unconditional love is HARD TO FIND.

 

Its not the butterflies she doesn't feel anymore. its the fact that when $hit goes down will she have your back 100%

 

This girl does not have your back bro,

 

She will split on you when she doesn't get her way. She will use sex to control you. She will cry to get out of trouble. She will blame you for why she did what she did and worse she will lie to your face.

 

You will chase behind blaming your self. Asking your self if you did wrong. You will bend every time she tears. You will have a successfully career and she will have nice things and anything she wants...but behind your back she will screw the neighbor, the friend, the coworker and you will be broken beyond repair, like ive seen many other men.

 

Lose their house.

lose their kids

Lose their job to depression.

 

you dodge a bullet man.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Thanks for the inspiring words. I will definitely be rereading that a few times today. And thank you guys so much for the help so far.

 

I've definitely been feeling better lately. I reached out and have received a lot of support from friends and family, and have gotten to a point where I am moving on.

 

That being said, a lot of people seem to be saying "it's not you fault" and that her transition from being steadily in love with me to falling out and eventually seeing this new guy was completely on her.

 

I disagree, when we were breaking up, "you deserve better", "It's me, not you", "You're the best person I've ever met", "you're so perfect" are typically ways of gently saying I'm just not into you anymore.

 

So I've taken it upon myself to better analyze our relationship in the past few months, see where I possibly went wrong, and correct it for my next relationship. Maybe it's true, all her depressive habits pulled her away along with her self-esteem reaching new lows. Maybe it's true, her life overwhelmed her and when the butterflies stopped it was too much to handle. Or maybe human nature took over her heart and she crushed on someone, which caused the reeling. Whatever the case, I still want to examine what happened. And help from you guys would be appreciated! You've all helped me get this far

 

Ok, let's do this:

 

Starting at 9/19. Prior to this point I actually wasn't super committed to this girl. She initiated some fights during our vacation the month prior and it put me off. I was unsure about her. Regardless, talk between us was always very light-hearted, fun, sexy, etc. I'd say we are healthy and strong, regardless of my commitment level.

 

9/19-9/23: Didn't spend the prior weekend together. Excited to see each other. Typical banter. I believe she called me at some point in the week to tell me how excited she was for the weekend and how much she was into me. It was unusual but awesome. Also "I couldn't be more excited to see you babe it's pretty much all I think about all day"

 

9/24-9/25: Spent Saturday at my place. Went out dancing. Great time.

 

9/26-10/1: A lot of fun banter, started planning some concerts to see in Oct. Planning to see her during the weekend. Couple days I didn't text her all day and waited till she got off work. Lots of flirting, but both kept busy. She messaged me an awesome wedding dress and song to play at our wedding (not serious but a show of affection)..

 

10/1-10/2: Awesome night at her place. We tried some new things in bed and I was blown away. I was extremely impressed but what she did, one of my best sexual experiences.

 

10/3-10/7: Long message from her about her excitement for the month. Starts talking about couples costume ideas. No text back Monday night (work starting to kick her ass w/ 10 hr shifts). I restarted a convo of having her meet my parents over Thanksgiving possibly. Both getting really excited for the upcoming weekend where we both get to spend both nights together (rare at this point cause of her job), and one of them is at a concert. She eventually tries to switch plans to another concert. I said she can go to that one but I'm holding firm on the current plans.

 

Something interesting happens here. She adds on another concert for us to see and tells me she's probably going to dance really hard. She says she feels like she's been missing a piece of herself since she hasn't been to a concert in awhile. "I keep saying I need to grow up... but I am... And I'm still going to rave lol" "A light went on and I think I need this". I said she should do what she will make her happy, so of course we should go.

 

10/7-10/9: Payday for her. She goes to hang out with coworkers Fri night before coming over. She does 6-8 shots and is blackout drunk when I pick her up. She wants sex but I don't like when she can't remember sex, so I rejected her and put her to sleep. I went to hang out with her sister and her bf for the rest of the night.

 

The rest of the weekend was great. I gave her a long, passionate time in bed because of her previous effort last weekend and I wanted to try something new again. Concert (my fav band) and following day was amazing.

 

10/10 - 10/14: We have a huge costume talk for our upcoming concerts. She says she has butterflies before going to bed. She apologized for the blackout Friday and I responded hours later with a long message forgiving her and reminder her of my affection for her, mixed in with some flirting.

 

Made plans to visit her this weekend. Brought up possibly flying for after Christmas to meet the rents, since TGiving was closing in fast. I had a busy week with work and happy hour activities, so there was less flirting and more planning and scheduling.

 

10/15-10/16: Spent the night at her place. We just had a chill night. Pretty fun time. I think at this point she had begun smoking again. 1 or 2 a day at work.

 

10/17- 10/21: Talk this week was more on the serious side. She is struggling with her car, preparing for the next two weeks of concerts. Her cat is also having issues. Also someone broke into her house one of these nights and scared the **** out of her. Cops were called, etc.

 

Thursday, because of all the events that transpired, I surprised her. We went to a few bars, out to eat, then when she was dropping me off we had the unfortunate cheating talk. I called her on the way home and the discussion continued. I was passionate but in the end reminded her I love her for who she is and the past is the past. I felt like I pushed her away a bit here.

 

The next day was rough. I accused her of telling half-truths (they were) and that I wanted the full story about her times cheating. She called me after work at told me the full story. I felt numb but thanked her for her honest and told her I appreciated it, I love her, etc.

 

She went to a planned party that night. God I wish I had gone. I have a feeling this sparked whatever crush she developed. She said she met new friends that are now a part of "squad".

 

I told her I had a really fun time yesterday regardless of her talk. Excited to see her tomorrow, glad she had fun at the party.

 

10/22-10/23:On her way over she came with one of the friends who was at the party. Old friend. All of them were coming to the concert and he needed a hotel room. She walked with him to the hotel before coming over, and even up to the room, then to my place. She's known this guy forever and he's a softy, but kind of the squad leader of the group. I'm thinking he might be the crush. She didn't cheat at the hotel but maybe thought about it, cause she was over quickly. He's an older, balding guy that has had maybe 2 girlfriends in his life. I kind of doubt it's him, but I have a gut feeling. That or one of the "new friends".

 

Concert. This is where I messed up when she said "I'd totally marry the lead singer given the chance". We were also standing with the guy from yesterday at the time. I also brought up the cheating talk and just said everything is okay. I was over-communicating at this point, but I didn't want her to feel judged, even though I definitely felt a new insecurity. We got past it all and danced the night away. Next day seemed fine, maybe she seemed a bit distant, or I was just on higher alert. We still had sex maybe 6 times in 24 hours. We've never had an issue with our sex life.

 

10/24-10/28: Said she wished she spent the night at my place Sun night, was really sore from the concert. Lots of sexting and banter. She's smoking 2+ cigs a day now, and knows I don't like it. But otherwise things seem to be going well with our banter and flirting. She says "I don't think anyone could make me as happy as you do.". Paying more attention to writing sincere messages this week since the cheating talk.

 

Concert coming up this week too. 2 day. I can only go to day 1. She's doing both. "all I can think about is dancing with you Friday" "We share amazing experiences together, like one of those Hallmark movies"- Her.

 

Sent her a care package with some gag gifts just for fun, and a necklace with her birthstone. Project at work got shut down and moving to a new one.

 

Also forgot she gave me the login info to her FB and email to do something. I'm going to try to forget I ever knew that.

 

10/28-10/29: Big Halloween concert. She didn't hang around me a lot while I was there. 2nd day she was there and I was spending time with a friend from out of town. Turns out she dropped LSD and had a good experience. She spent the night at a nearby hotel with all the friends who went to the concert.

 

10/30 - 10/31: Some great Sunday chat leading up to her talk about losing butterflies, not growing in love, and feeling doubts. Lots of reminescing about the concert, flirting, etc. Mentioned looking at flights for her then she passed out.

 

She said she is hanging out with her friend for the night and then no word from her until 11/2.

 

11/2: She said she had an off day and feels like crap. She wants to come over after work. She ended up being too tired and wants to the next day.

 

We talk through the night while I'm watching the last world series game. She gives me some really nice compliments and we're flirting hard.

 

I called her after the game to say goodnight. Bombshell dropped. No butterflies, doubts, feels love has stopped growing. I was stunned.

 

11/3: She comes over. Balling and sorry. Make up. I'm patient and calm. We have a great night.

 

11/4-11/6: She tells her dad she's excited to fly and see my parents. "Trip of all trips!". Things seem better. She mentions being curious about trying a certain new sexual activity. She seems all about me.

 

"You are my rock. When everything is spinning out of control it's you that keeps me centered.

I'm going to try my hardest to stop bottling things up, it's not healthy and it's not fair to you in the long run."

 

We begin 1 months sobriety. She fails the next day. I'm upset but we talk it out. Definitely wasn't expecting her to do that. She's smoking 3 cigs a day now.

 

After the weekend she feels it was a perfect weekend. Sex was great. But I feel like things were "different".

 

11/7-11/11: Another house break-in. She forgot to lock the back door. She bought me a painting I found in the house that was really sweet. I sent her a card with my cologne sprayed on it. Thought it might cheer her up after the break-in. She breaks down and tells me how awful work as been recently. She's being picked on. I listen. She's less flirty this week.

 

She spends Thursday doing a Friendsgiving with the same party group. She crashed there for the night. We plan to see each other this weekend and go dancing. She seems really excited. She's feeling depressed and "off-center".

 

11/11-11/13: We went out to eat and dancing. Really fun weekend. But I observed more behavior that she wasn't looking at me the same, kissing the same, etc. I'm starting to feel more and more insecure about the relationship. We actually smoked weed together since I'm okay with trying it once or twice a year. I didn't have a good high.

 

11/14-11/16: Starting to feel more insecure. I ask when she's going to pay me for the agreed upon amount for the plane ticket (just $200 down from $400). I got an email she bought a ton of stuff on Amazon so felt like she was holding back on paying me.

 

Way less I love you's. Insecurity at max. I did something interesting here. I didn't text her for 2 days. I gave myself some unannounced space. She messaged me around 8 times while I was inactive. I felt I needed to decide what to do. Eventually I got back in touch on 11/16.

 

She seems more distant.

 

11/17: Decided to surprise her after work. First we'd sit at the park and I wanted to have an adult conversation about her struggles and depression, and how everything has been going, then go out for the night. Turned into break-up.

 

It's hard for me to glean much from all of this, but I'm glad I wrote it out. I realized some small things in the process. Maybe if I sit on it for awhile I'll be better able to understand what happened. It's a long post, I know, but I needed a timeline.

Edited November 21, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[MidwestUSA]

Hey there. I hope writing that out helped you, but, now, just STOP.

 

She's clearly still occupying too much space in your head. She wasn't who you thought she was, and that's okay. We've all been there. It isn't on you to analyze her every word/action and plan your next words/moves around them.

 

Print that post out on paper and burn it. It'll feel good. Print out that text convo with her ex and do the same.

 

You sound like a great guy who got caught up in what appeared to be a good thing. And I'm sure it was for a while. Don't beat yourself up!

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'm feeling a lot better right now. Like I said, I'm trying to anaylze what I can do to self-improve, because that's my focus right now.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm feeling a lot better right now. Like I said, I'm trying to anaylze what I can do to self-improve, because that's my focus right now.

 

Just don't make her faults the basis for your own self improvement. That's all I'm really saying, because she's GOT some faults!

[breakupthrowaway663]

I know, I'm just self-critical and want to know what I did wrong, so I can fix it.

 

A girl who wants to be in a relationship with you doesn't say "you deserve better", "It's me, not you", "You're the best person I've ever met", "I love you so much", "I just want to be alone" all in the same 1 hour timespan of a break-up.

 

She clearly lost attraction for me and very quickly. Is she really all to blame? My long post seems to just make it seem even more sudden what happened, though. Could a sudden crush or depression really do this? And hell is it even depression, I bet she'll be seeing someone new within a few weeks, or calling me to get back what she had.

[VeveCakes]

She clearly lost attraction for me and very quickly. Is she really all to blame? My long post seems to just make it seem even more sudden what happened, though. Could a sudden crush or depression really do this? And hell is it even depression, I bet she'll be seeing someone new within a few weeks.

 

In this instance yes because she is one who lost attraction. Don't blame yourself she is a serial cheater, you will drive yourself nuts over this.

 

You deserve better.

 

If you really think you need answers to your own why then seek therapy.

[Nadine123]

This is my answer to you:-

 

"If you are willing to look at another person's behavior towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your values as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all."

[Sunkissedpatio]

Keep writing (if not here but on your end). Keep processing. It's the only way you'll get it out of your system.

[breakupthrowaway663]

This is my answer to you:-

 

"If you are willing to look at another person's behavior towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your values as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all."

 

Wow, that's pretty amazing. I'm looking around right now and I have probably 20 friends I have called for a variety of support on this. They all love me for who I am and tell me I'm amazing and influential to them. I'm lucky to even have 1 friend to call, let alone 20 who adore me, and I take it for granted. Maybe this is entirely on her after all.

Edited November 21, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[LD1990]

Analyzing every day of your relationship will get you nowhere fast. You want to improve? Great. Think about how you want to improve yourself and do it, whether that's working out more, reading more, whatever. But what meaningful improvement are you really going to make by analyzing your relationship to death?

 

You're missing what's right in front of your face. This girl cheated on you (walking a guy up to his hotel room, spending the night with her "squad" which included him, the writing is on the wall here). She cheated on her boyfriend before you. She cheated on the boyfriend before him. What's the common link between all those relationships? Her.

 

Look man, here's an analogy for you. One guy takes a sailboat out. It has a hole in it and sinks. Another guy digs up the boat, takes it out, it sinks again. You dig up the boat, take it out, it sinks again. Now, are you all just ****ty sailors? Or maybe is it time to start blaming the damn boat?

[Nadine123]

This quote is what made me look at things differently.

 

I spent many weeks looking for something I did wrong after my ex ghosted me. Once I started believing that it has more to do with him than me, this is when I started moving on.

 

Feel grateful that she is out of your life and you are going to get over this. Just remember how you were upset about something before and now you dont care or think about it.

 

Feel free to post here whenever you need to. We're all here for you

[breakupthrowaway663]

I've been doing a good job of feeling better in the last few days (used to NC). The one thing I'm stuck on is if I gave her too much of an ultimatum, and showed I could drop the relationship in a blink if she didn't see me in her picture.

 

Sure, maybe she had cold feet about the flight to see my parents, felt bad about a crush (she didn't cheat guys, she felt horrible for just having a crush on someone... she respected me incredibly and has always been kind), and just needed to get through her issues.

 

After she initially told me she was suffering through issues, some she doesn't fully understand, and then said she had the crush, and my response to that, what I said was "do you see me in your picture?" She said she felt like she needs to do this alone. So I said "I want to support you and help you through what you're going through. If you don't want to be with me, and don't see me in your life, it's over. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me". She continued with she wants to do this by herself, regain her independence, etc. I pressed her for a direct answer, and she really struggled to say "No". Hell, she waited so long to say no, that I said "If you aren't saying hell yes to continuing then it's a no". She followed with "I just don't think I want a relationship right now" instead of ever saying "No". Everything was so indirect.

 

Is that a fair thing to say what I said to someone in a relationship you value? I fear it seemed like I was valuing my needs over the relationship.

Edited November 21, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663