Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[Nadine123]

what do you mean by valuing your needs? Ofcourse you need to. It's your right to know if someone wants to be in a relationship with you or not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[breakupthrowaway663]

what do you mean by valuing your needs? Ofcourse you need to. It's your right to know if someone wants to be in a relationship with you or not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

Yea, I suppose if she wanted to be with me she would have made that very clear, eh? But depression is weird, which is what I fear. In that emotional moment maybe she couldn't see me in her life, and I forced the answer "No" on her because of her lack of desire to go on, her inability to say she wanted to be with me.

[Nadine123]

That doesn't make sense. You're looking for excuses to blame yourself. If she wanted to be with you she would have agreed. You cant force someone to be with you or say yes or no.

 

I posted a thread a few weeks ago called ''feeling guilty''. It's over, accept it and instead of screwing your life analyzing things, working on moving on and maintaining NC.

 

If you care that much it means you're a good person. You will be fine

[breakupthrowaway663]

I've never personally suffered from depression so I have no idea how it makes people act is all. And how someone feeling emotionally destroyed would feel given an ultimatum like I did.

[MidwestUSA]

Yea, I suppose if she wanted to be with me she would have made that very clear, eh? But depression is weird, which is what I fear. In that emotional moment maybe she couldn't see me in her life, and I forced the answer "No" on her because of her lack of desire to go on, her inability to say she wanted to be with me.

 

You didn't 'force' an answer out of her. You're right, if she couldn't say 'hell, yes', then she wasn't on board.

 

Let's recap.

 

She struggles with depression.

 

Turns to alcohol and drugs to cope.

 

Then cheats. Don't be so sure it was just a 'crush'. Who gets crushes while in a relationship anyway? Immature, insecure, indecisive people. Emotionally, she's a teenager.

 

Good riddance.

[breakupthrowaway663]

You didn't 'force' an answer out of her. You're right, if she couldn't say 'hell, yes', then she wasn't on board.

 

Let's recap.

 

She struggles with depression.

 

Turns to alcohol and drugs to cope.

 

Then cheats. Don't be so sure it was just a 'crush'. Who gets crushes while in a relationship anyway? Immature, insecure, indecisive people. Emotionally, she's a teenager.

 

Good riddance.

 

True... big difference between crushing and the thought of cheating. Everyone gets those thoughts.

 

But then again everyone can develop a crush too.. right time and moment is all, plus mere exposure. But ya, 9 months into a steady relationship? That's weird. She must have felt awful for feeling that way, given her issues.

 

She always showed stable emotions leading up to the final month. We never fought when alcohol wasn't involved. Probably riding that high of the relationship and mirroring me in the relationship before reverting to her old ways. Infatuation is a funny thing.

Edited November 21, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[MidwestUSA]

 

She always showed stable emotions leading up to the final month. We never fought when alcohol wasn't involved. Probably riding that high of the relationship and mirroring me in the relationship before reverting to her old ways. Infatuation is a funny thing.

 

This is huge, and I hope you realize it. You seem like a really grounded guy, and I worry that you may have a tendency to fall into 'fixer' mode. BDTD, want some of my tshirts?

[LD1990]

she didn't cheat guys, she felt horrible for just having a crush on someone... she respected me incredibly and has always been kind

 

And you know this how? Because she said so? Didn't she also tell you she "ended up just kissing in both cases after taking drugs + alcohol in the moment" and immediately ended the relationships, only for you to find out from her ex that actually, some dude came to the house and banged her? And then she got back together with that ex?

 

Use your brain here and stop assuming that she told you the truth about not cheating because she looked really sad at the time. She lied to you many times. You're still looking at her like she's some poor girl who went through a hard time. She's not. She's the type of girl who waits for her man to leave, then calls up another guy to come screw her in the bed she shares with her boyfriend. Then she tells the next guy it was "just kissing," the relationship was terrible at the time anyway, and she felt so awful about it.

 

You've still got love goggles for this girl, and it's making you blind to the truth. You weren't going to change her into a good girl. She cheats. She gets blackout drunk. She does drugs. She parties frequently. Because you were in love with her, you ignored all these quite obvious signs that this isn't a girl you choose for a committed relationship. There was nothing you could have done to have the kind of relationship you wanted with her. This is the type of girl who makes a great **** buddy, but she's not the girl you settle down with.

[breakupthrowaway663]

This is huge, and I hope you realize it. You seem like a really grounded guy, and I worry that you may have a tendency to fall into 'fixer' mode. BDTD, want some of my tshirts?

 

I enjoy the rescuer feeling, but I believe people should solve their own problems. I do love if my partner can communicate to me, but I will just listen.

 

I know guys, and I agree. I'm getting there. I can't blame myself. I truly put in as much as I could. We had our problems, but our time together, sex life, communication, and appreciation for each other was great until the end. The fact that the relationship dissolved so quickly is what gets to me. The blindside from my best friend. And the fact that she's probably already ****ing the guy.

 

Luckily, all of those things require two people, and I was one of them, so I know I can do the same in my next relationship.

Edited November 22, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Apricotjelly90]

Have you been diagnosed with OCD by any chance?

[breakupthrowaway663]

Have you been diagnosed with OCD by any chance?

 

No, been to a few therapists for support and advice but they just feel I have a tendency towards perfectionism, competitiveness, and being introspective. Took one test and it said I am more than normal on all marks, although I don't know how accurate the test is and sometimes answering those questions with accuracy is difficult.

 

I'm also an engineer so I'm pretty analytical by nature, but unfortunately sometimes I can let it happen in a very anxious way like with break-ups, relationship insecurity, and being self-critical (see this post.. the magic cocktail).

 

I did really love this girl and feel blindsided. I'm feeling better but it's not like this was something I saw coming (foolishly). Right now I feel myself thinking about what happened in a non-judgemental way. My first love break-up was far worse. I let myself get vulnerable and hang on to the outcome set by that vulnerability.

[Nadine123]

I dont think that has anything to do with OCD. When me and my ex broke up I blamed myself alot and felt guilty. Dont understand what this has to do with having a disorder lol.

[breakupthrowaway663]

On the topic of mental health, I do wonder the validity of her depression or BPD. I find it hard to believe you can crush on someone else while feeling depressed. But maybe with her self-esteem and self-identity it's a real mental issue for her.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm missing the connection to OCD as well?

 

I think this is typical behaviour of someone that is freshly broken up, in shock and grieving.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Was she clinically depressed or bi-polar?

[breakupthrowaway663]

Was she clinically depressed or bi-polar?

 

She claimed she wanted to seek help, and her sister said she has been "lost" since her mom's death at 19.

 

Her behavior with drugs, alcohol, cheating, and insecurity point to a problem, along with dropping out of school, not knowing what to do with her life, stuck with a job she hates, and stuck living with her dad might also push her down that path.

 

But personality-wise she is awfully empathetic, socially smart, kind, and charming. If she was depressed she'd say "I've just been kind of feeling depressed lately". I didn't see her lose enjoyment in things she loved (except me, ha), sex, etc. But she did feel more irritable and wanted more isolation.

 

On the flipside, I don't know how often people will say things like that just to escape a relationship. Dick move if so.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Poor girl, losing her mother at 19 would definitely cause her depression, really breaks my heart.

 

Was she taking anything for the depression or was she in therapy at all?

Yes people who are depressed could very much have crushes on other people, the depression has them believing what they have isn't good enough and can also make them fall out of love with their current partners. Depression makes people irrational and act in irrational ways.

 

Nothing will make sense because it is a reflection of how their brain is working and what it is making them do.

[Apricotjelly90]

My ex suffers from OCD (pure O, meaning no compulsions, just obsessions so its not as broadly known as hand-washers but way more extended) so I researched a lot on the topic, there's a recurring theme for ocd sufferers called Rocd (relationship ocd) and some of the things he mentioned reminded me a lot of things people post on rocd forums so I just wanted to make sure if that was the case he was getting the right type of advice and treatment

[Sweetfish]

No, been to a few therapists for support and advice but they just feel I have a tendency towards perfectionism, competitiveness, and being introspective. Took one test and it said I am more than normal on all marks, although I don't know how accurate the test is and sometimes answering those questions with accuracy is difficult.

 

I'm also an engineer so I'm pretty analytical by nature, but unfortunately sometimes I can let it happen in a very anxious way like with break-ups, relationship insecurity, and being self-critical (see this post.. the magic cocktail).

 

I did really love this girl and feel blindsided. I'm feeling better but it's not like this was something I saw coming (foolishly). Right now I feel myself thinking about what happened in a non-judgemental way. My first love break-up was far worse. I let myself get vulnerable and hang on to the outcome set by that vulnerability.

 

If I were you I would find "no more Mr nice guy" I suggest you read "or find the audio version" online. It is LONG and you'll need to listen to it in sections.

 

Ideally you have issues.... and you hide them in the perfectionism. So therefore everyone says your this awesome guy, but the reality is your not.

 

I know... I'm an A-hole. But what do I have to gain from telling you this...

 

Remember you came into this thread confident and so sure and saying you are in control of the relationship. How easily you can cut her off. Now your questioning friends and family if you did the right thing...

 

As predicted and as I said.. the more this girl pulls away the more your INSECURITIES will show.

 

Now after being with a "BROKEN" girl you now know you are too broken. Why? Because your an engineer and nice guy and your dating a druggie that gets drunk and screws other guys while in a relationship with her boyfriends and your trying to save this???

 

 

This girl did you a favor.. she cracked open a part of you that is untapped..

 

She is making you question your self..

 

Your family and friends will tell you.. you are are a great guy. Because you continually strive to be perfect... but to be perfect you have to LIE.. to be perfect you have to bend rules, make smoke screens. I can be dead wrong...

 

But I suggest you listen to "no more Mr nice guy" and come back to this thread and call me out if I'm wrong.

[salparadise]

...until it got brought up that she has cheated on her past 2 serious relationships. This shocked me.

 

Anyway, 2 weeks ago (also 2 weeks after cheating talk), I called her up to say goodnight. She hadn't responded to me in a few days so I casually asked how she has been.

 

...said she hasn't felt butterflies for me in awhile, that her love for me has stopped growing, and that our distance (we have to commute an hour to see each other) is starting to feel like a problem. And she has doubts about our future together.

 

The next day she visited me and when she opened the door she started tearing up and fiercely apologized. She said to just be patient with her while she figures out personal things. She's clearly not happy.

 

I feel she doesn't look at me the same, kiss me the same, or act the same. Paranoia? I hope.

 

The result of this is I have been extremely anxious about it. I over-analyze what's going on and I feel insecure in our relationship, basically all day. So insecure, if that's even the right word, that I'm ashamed about it. I hate when I get paralyzed into a feedback loop of anxious thoughts...

 

...comments about how she would marry the singer given the chance. I lashed out by being cold for a little while, unfortunately. She picked up on it, and I felt horrible I even got that way, because it's silly and I know it. But I was still feeling worrisome from the cheating talk, which allowed those feelings to dictate my behavior.

 

I generally get anxious about if I haven't been myself, have behaved in a way that has pushed her away (eg. the concert), and just general uncertainty, and the fun one, anxious about anxiety. I don't usually get this way during normal periods of my life. It doesn't feel chronic, but it has been a pattern during times like this.

 

Anyway, I see her one last time this weekend before I go out of town for two weeks. And I don't want to be suffering when I'm gone. I've been to counseling and he says I'm overly anxious but otherwise this is natural. Not much in the way for perfect solutions, except that I should let go of uncertainty. And I should be more accepting of myself.

 

I want to hear other people's take though. Anybody else experience this? How have you grown out of it? Thanks!

 

You may be predisposed toward anxiousness, but that doesn't mean you're automatically wrong or that what you feel is unjustified. Worry, jealousy, anxiety, doubt and other negative feelings have a purpose... they serve as an early warning system to protect us from potential threats. Given what you've posted, I don't think it's imaginary or unjustified at all.

 

You've been given information that would be red flags even for the most secure, least anxious person. You're predisposed toward anxiety and you know it, and as a result you're discounting those feelings as being unjustified... overcompensating and assuming it's all your problem even though it's based on factual information.

 

Man, you need to be with someone who makes you feel the opposite, someone you can trust implicitly (as do we all, but especially you given your predispositions).

 

Cheated on her past two serious relationships... not one, but two. What does this tell you? She has no boundary in this regard. She is disinhibited. Probably not restrained by conscience or remorse, able to justify/rationalize behavior somehow––likely a feeling caused by external events. Whatever. The why/how isn't relevant. Fact is, there is no barrier to entry, to borrow a business phrase.

 

Secondly, she's not much concerned with how you feel. Telling you she no longer feels the same about you, etc., is another fact-based red flag that you should not ignore. And it's not just her feeling, but the fact that she kind of speared you with it... why would she do that? Most people would never say that unless they were breaking up. And right after she hadn't responded for awhile?

 

I think she has serious issues regulating her feelings, and that you are the yen for her yang... not in a good way, in a dysfunctional way. As much as I'd like to be able to tell you, ah, don't worry about anything... we don't really know about BPD diagnosis, but you do know what the behavior looks like.

 

I think you need to realize that as a fundamentally anxious person you need a secure relationship with someone who is unwavering and gives you confidence in their integrity with a calm, steadfast demeanor.

 

You are worthy. You don't need to settle for something that drives you toward the edge. You be rational. Explore this with your therapist.

 

------------

“Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.” ~ Joseph Heller, Catch-22

[breakupthrowaway663]

If I were you I would find "no more Mr nice guy" I suggest you read "or find the audio version" online. It is LONG and you'll need to listen to it in sections.

 

Ideally you have issues.... and you hide them in the perfectionism. So therefore everyone says your this awesome guy, but the reality is your not.

 

I know... I'm an A-hole. But what do I have to gain from telling you this...

 

Remember you came into this thread confident and so sure and saying you are in control of the relationship. How easily you can cut her off. Now your questioning friends and family if you did the right thing...

 

As predicted and as I said.. the more this girl pulls away the more your INSECURITIES will show.

 

Now after being with a "BROKEN" girl you now know you are too broken. Why? Because your an engineer and nice guy and your dating a druggie that gets drunk and screws other guys while in a relationship with her boyfriends and your trying to save this???

 

 

This girl did you a favor.. she cracked open a part of you that is untapped..

 

She is making you question your self..

 

Your family and friends will tell you.. you are are a great guy. Because you continually strive to be perfect... but to be perfect you have to LIE.. to be perfect you have to bend rules, make smoke screens. I can be dead wrong...

 

But I suggest you listen to "no more Mr nice guy" and come back to this thread and call me out if I'm wrong.

 

I wouldn't say I'm Mr Nice Guy. I expressed my boundaries when she drank too much, began smoking again, did cocaine, and told her my needs and wants. She slapped me once, and I told her she had better never do that again. When she saw how serious she was, she never did ("an old habit"). I demanded respect when she took a tone with me. If she walked away from an argument I sternly told her to act like an adult and communicate. Yes, I cared about her feelings and needs, but I didn't put up with poor behavior. Sure, I did it in a calm way, but that doesn't make me Mr Nice Guy. And sure, I care about her and opened up my world to her. I can't just 'forget her' in 5 days. But I will forget her, and look back at our relationship with a smirky smile.

 

Hell, for few months I was very unsure about her, and thought I could "do better". I felt unattracted to her and didn't like her behavior. I'd wake up every morning thinking "I'm not sure about this relationship". Only in the past 2 months do I feel like I fell hard for her. It confused me how I turned around, and I wish I knew. I think I found the good in her, which is her charming personality. We could always laugh and easily flirt together. Our chemistry was intense.

 

But with intense chemistry can come intense and sometimes unstable emotions, unfortunately.

Edited November 22, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[breakupthrowaway663]

You may be predisposed toward anxiousness, but that doesn't mean you're automatically wrong or that what you feel is unjustified. Worry, jealousy, anxiety, doubt and other negative feelings have a purpose... they serve as an early warning system to protect us from potential threats. Given what you've posted, I don't think it's imaginary or unjustified at all.

 

You've been given information that would be red flags even for the most secure, least anxious person. You're predisposed toward anxiety and you know it, and as a result you're discounting those feelings as being unjustified... overcompensating and assuming it's all your problem even though it's based on factual information.

 

Man, you need to be with someone who makes you feel the opposite, someone you can trust implicitly (as do we all, but especially you given your predispositions).

 

Cheated on her past two serious relationships... not one, but two. What does this tell you? She has no boundary in this regard. She is disinhibited. Probably not restrained by conscience or remorse, able to justify/rationalize behavior somehow––likely a feeling caused by external events. Whatever. The why/how isn't relevant. Fact is, there is no barrier to entry, to borrow a business phrase.

 

Secondly, she's not much concerned with how you feel. Telling you she no longer feels the same about you, etc., is another fact-based red flag that you should not ignore. And it's not just her feeling, but the fact that she kind of speared you with it... why would she do that? Most people would never say that unless they were breaking up. And right after she hadn't responded for awhile?

 

I think she has serious issues regulating her feelings, and that you are the yen for her yang... not in a good way, in a dysfunctional way. As much as I'd like to be able to tell you, ah, don't worry about anything... we don't really know about BPD diagnosis, but you do know what the behavior looks like.

 

I think you need to realize that as a fundamentally anxious person you need a secure relationship with someone who is unwavering and gives you confidence in their integrity with a calm, steadfast demeanor.

 

You are worthy. You don't need to settle for something that drives you toward the edge. You be rational. Explore this with your therapist.

 

------------

“Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.” ~ Joseph Heller, Catch-22

 

I can agree with all of this.

 

The first thing I thought when she brought up the butterflies and whatnot was how destroyed she would be if I ever said that to her. I was really upset with her, and rightfully so.

 

The two days of no communication I believe was a bout of serious depression. She had gotten drunk the first night with her girl friend, took the next day off, and said she spent the day feeling like ****. I don't think she cheated during that time period, but was starting to feel very confused about her feelings, wants, etc, and depression was hitting her.

 

I'm starting to learn how to listen to emotions better, and understand them in the first place. I was struggling to figure out if it was general anxiety, jealousy, or insecurity.

 

I really do wonder what happened that day. I know her Facebook account information but I can't bring myself to stoop low enough just to find out what really happened. Never

Edited November 22, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Sweetfish]

I wouldn't say I'm Mr Nice Guy. I expressed my boundaries when she drank too much, began smoking again, did cocaine, and told her my needs and wants. She slapped me once, and I told her she had better never do that again. When she saw how serious she was, she never did ("an old habit"). I demanded respect when she took a tone with me. If she walked away from an argument I sternly told her to act like an adult and communicate. Yes, I cared about her feelings and needs, but I didn't put up with poor behavior. Sure, I did it in a calm way, but that doesn't make me Mr Nice Guy. And sure, I care about her and opened up my world to her. I can't just 'forget her' in 5 days. But I will forget her, and look back at our relationship with a smirky smile.

 

Hell, for few months I was very unsure about her, and thought I could "do better". I felt unattracted to her and didn't like her behavior. I'd wake up every morning thinking "I'm not sure about this relationship". Only in the past 2 months do I feel like I fell hard for her. It confused me how I turned around, and I wish I knew. I think I found the good in her, which is her charming personality. We could always laugh and easily flirt together. Our chemistry was intense.

 

But with intense chemistry can come intense and sometimes unstable emotions, unfortunately.

 

That's because you believe a nice guy is simply a push over. The way ppl function among society and function with a S.O. is night and day. BPDs are perfect examples as they exhibit amazing personality traits for years and when they fall in love turn toxic.

 

Again your being hard headed.

 

Find the audio.. what you gotta lose.. or keep spending money/time on therapy.

[breakupthrowaway663]

That's because you believe a nice guy is simply a push over. The way ppl function among society and function with a S.O. is night and day. BPDs are perfect examples as they exhibit amazing personality traits for years and when they fall in love turn toxic.

 

Again your being hard headed.

 

Find the audio.. what you gotta lose.. or keep spending money/time on therapy.

 

Oh, I'll check it out, but I don't think I really fit the description, even after reading about the book. Deep down I don't want her back, I'm just going through the grieving process because I lost a partner and I overestimated the outcome of our relationship (vulnerability).

 

I do believe I have things to work on, and I'm stupid for questioning if I did the right thing.

 

The nice guy trait I display is remorse about mistakes and actions I made, even though it was my genuine self, I wish I hadn't done them (the concert, some of what I said during the cheating talk). I need to own up that I wasn't okay with her reasons for cheating in her past, and that's why the discussion turned passionate. My insecurity in the relationship was justified at that point (holy ****, who is this girl? What am I doing dating her? etc.). And sure, I questioned if I did things wrong to make her fall out of love, and if that was that I was a "Nice Guy", I'd like to fix that for myself. Her behavior indicates it was her own doing, though.

 

Also my actions in real life are different than my thoughts here. I dump the negative here. I will not deter from NC. I will not save her. I am putting myself first.

Edited November 22, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Kelley]

On the anxiety front, before my ex cheated on me I had never experienced anxiety period! When he started cheating my anxiety went through the roof and I started having panic attacks! Even after the breakup my anxiety continued but I'm totally fine now.