Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[Sweetfish]

4 weeks in. Wow a whole month has gone by.

 

This morning was the first morning I didn't wake up sweating. I also finally didn't jolt awake at 5AM.

 

I can feel her slipping from the foreground in my mind.

 

Last week I kept asking myself "Why?". Why did she fall out of love with me? I am starting to care a little less about answering that question, but I find myself still asking it.

 

I'm wondering less if my insecurity in our relationship after our discussion about cheating led her to fall out with me and fall in with him. I didn't act out on it much anyway, and I am starting to feel it was a natural response.

 

The conversation about cheating was not the reason. This type of girl just does not have the will or capacity to be "responsible" she uses men to take on that role and at the end of day its about having fun. The problem is the fun she had with you... is not the fun she desires.

 

Its the smoking, drinking, playful child like fun she enjoys. You have been condition to think that women like to be courted and she believes this as well. Many women believe it, but when this courtmanship is presented reality always win.

 

The reality i see is many women seek the desire to connect on every level with another man.

 

So i see a lot of women torn between reality and desire. They cannot be reached. Because individual desires are unique to each person. Men can be the same way.

 

Men walk on eggshells though because not all men have a group of females to flock to when they breakup with their gf. Men are like buses... you miss one and 5 minutes later there is another one. So women take higher risk because the returns are plentiful.

 

This is why many young women do not improve them selves like men do after a breakup.

 

You ex is going to learn a hard lesson and you are just going to improve. That even if she came back you going to be like nah thats ok... because she will not come back changed... it dont work that way.

[breakupthrowaway663]

The conversation about cheating was not the reason. [/Quote]

 

Agreed. It's like 60% of my brain knows this and 40% still asks "Why?" anyway, hoping to glean an answer.

 

This type of girl just does not have the will or capacity to be "responsible" she uses men to take on that role and at the end of day its about having fun. The problem is the fun she had with you... is not the fun she desires.

 

Its the smoking, drinking, playful child like fun she enjoys. You have been condition to think that women like to be courted and she believes this as well. Many women believe it, but when this courtmanship is presented reality always win.

[/Quote]

 

She's a party animal, raver, impulsive etc. I fit her bill "pretty" well. Ask all my friends and they say I'm the social butterfly, clubber, party animal. Hell, I work at a night club in my free time.

 

But I don't do cocktails of drugs. I don't smoke weed or cigs. I love Vegas but I don't run around raves half naked hopped up on LSD.

 

This guy probably does. He's not as outgoing as I am, attractive, ambitious, but he probably fits the bill better on those levels that she currently finds attractive. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for me I even try to keep that part of my life in moderation. On the other hand for awhile even she couldn't "keep up". She doesn't see who he really is where it counts, but I doubt she cares either.

 

I fit her well in other areas. We had similar interests and explored tons together. Passion, communication, intelligence, sense of humor, you name it. I doubt he will fit her in those aspects -- he's young, inexperienced, and frankly because I know him. That wasn't the focus though. She interacted with him at parties and raves. The rest is out of focus. Fantasy is a helluva thing.

 

Men walk on eggshells though because not all men have a group of females to flock to when they breakup with their gf. Men are like buses... you miss one and 5 minutes later there is another one. So women take higher risk because the returns are plentiful.

 

This is why many young women do not improve them selves like men do after a breakup.

 

You ex is going to learn a hard lesson and you are just going to improve. That even if she came back you going to be like nah thats ok... because she will not come back changed... it dont work that way.

 

Good point. Luckily for me I like to be alone. Once I get through this process I'll probably feel happier than ever, and look back and laugh at the mistakes I made.

 

If she comes back I'll take my ego boost and put her pitiful attempt to sleep. For now, I'll keep bouncing conversation off you guys while I heal.

[Sweetfish]

 

But I don't do cocktails of drugs. I don't smoke weed or cigs. I love Vegas but I don't run around raves half naked hopped up on LSD.

 

This guy probably does. He's not as outgoing as I am, attractive, ambitious, but he probably fits the bill better on those levels that she currently finds attractive. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for me I even try to keep that part of my life in moderation. On the other hand for awhile even she couldn't "keep up".

 

 

Just to touch on this... i never claimed you were not a party guy. But from your previous post i saw you were a bartender or work in a club. That doesnt exclude the idea of courtship to a rich man, clubber, or bodybuilder.

 

It takes one thing.

That G spot.

That one thing she enjoys the most to lose everything to another man/women.

 

 

Men and women everyday divorce... just because of 1 thing in a relationship... but have it all. Its nuts.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Just to touch on this... i never claimed you were not a party guy. But from your previous post i saw you were a bartender or work in a club. That doesnt exclude the idea of courtship to a rich man, clubber, or bodybuilder.

 

It takes one thing.

That G spot.

That one thing she enjoys the most to lose everything to another man/women.

 

 

Men and women everyday divorce... just because of 1 thing in a relationship... but have it all. Its nuts.

 

Yea and I believe I know that G spot, as described above. That's basically her only real hobby in life and he is into that rave culture crap far more than I am.

 

Her previous boyfriends weren't in it at all. Once she dated me she actually said "Wow I'm never dating someone who isn't into dancing and this kind of music again". Her desires must have shifted. Well, here comes along pudgy Navy boy, probably aligned with her rave culture interests perfectly.

 

I can see that. That's a level of connection she probably hasn't had fulfilled before. I didn't see it before because our sex and passion was amazing regardless. Will they actually last when she needs the relationship traits and fulfillment I provided? Her friends doubt it. Traded an 80 for a 20.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Then again, she IS a serial cheater and relationships were never pursued with those guys. The reasons may be beyond this understanding, honestly.

 

She may have gotten drunk one night, felt a slight connection to the guy (just like in her past), and made an impulsive decision. And then knew that was the end of us. I'd find out eventually I'm sure.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I recently have been going out with another girl. She's sharp, beautiful, and ambitious. We've been having fun together. Unfortunately it's still very early for me, and I still feel numb towards any sort of feeling I might have. She seems to really like me, and I don't feel ready to develop feelings. We have fun though, which does count, and that's the understanding we have right now.

 

I don't feel like calling her, being romantically passionate with her, being really goofy with her, all the things that created the beginning of my relationship with my ex.

 

I don't want to go back by any means, and I'm still NC and no word from her either.

 

I'm still waking up in night sweats, and even did once when the new girl was over. Mind racing about the ex with her right next to me. Awful.

 

I really put my heart out there for that girl. She trampled all over it. I feel angry more than anything anymore. How she started crushing on someone else in the middle of a good relationship is laughable now. How could somebody be like that. So unstable, insensitive to the point of leaving behind a huge path of destruction, hopeless and helpless person. I pity who she has become. I wished we could have grown together. I'll look back one day and laugh at this mess and the mess she created.

Edited December 20, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[doyathinkso]

No, really, you won't be over it until you don't look back anymore. You'll just be looking ahead.

[breakupthrowaway663]

No, really, you won't be over it until you don't look back anymore. You'll just be looking ahead.

 

True, I barely ever think about my first love.

 

It'll be awhile for that. She made a big imprint. I committed in my head, foolishly.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hey everyone, I hope you all have a happy holiday. I wanted to say thanks to everyone who listened to my story and gave me their advice.

 

Even though my posts lately have been at my low points (I like to use this site instead of bottling up, I've been making improvements.

 

Hopefully my posts taper off as my lows taper off as well, and as long as others may learn from my story and updates.

 

I find myself in a juxtaposition. I know I don't want her back, and NC is going well and strong. I'm slowly dating someone new.

 

But I am too hard headed to believe this is entirely her fault. She definitely has problems and I want nothing to do with her anymore. But I look back and analyze my faults and wonder if that's what made this new person so appealing. I didn't feel secure with her in the final month, hence why I walked away from her at the concert and over-communicated, what I believe we're my two greatest faults that could have undermined me. Whether she saw that and ran, or just ignored it and her real self came out (impulsive, emotionally immature, etc), I really don't know. I don't have enough relationship experience to sense what is the case, much of the reason why I come here. I rack myself for walking away from her. But I reread this thread and many of you reassure this is on her, and that one mistake and the communication that following didn't unravel us. All input is appreciated as always.

 

Thanks for listening and being supportive. I reread this thread often and use every response as advice going forward every day. Happy holidays

[LD1990]

We all have faults. I see in a lot of threads here a person will treat their breakup like it's a court case, listing out all the things their ex did wrong followed by all the things they did wrong.

 

Did you handle certain things poorly? Probably. But if something so minor as getting upset at a concert dooms your relationship, it was going to fail anyways. And from the sounds of it, your ex just wasn't cut out for a relationship. Nothing you did could change that.

 

Nobody is perfect, so it's silly to look back and kick yourself in the ass for things you think you did wrong. By all means, learn from it and improve yourself. If you don't like the way you handled things at the concert, figure out how you'd like to handle that type of situation in the future. Happy holidays.

[z1ggy]

Hey guys, OP here. I decided to make a second account that didn't have the name throwaway in it, posted a similar thread about my relationship, and got them banned in the process. So here I am, back one last time for one last post. I'm sure this violates some rule but feel free to lock the thread or whatever. It's fine. I wanted to give one last post targeting anyone who experienced what I did, and has stumbled across this mountain of a thread. I'll continue reaching out to others in this amazing community if I don't get myself banned by doing this.

 

Anyway,

 

My road was arduous, energy-sapping, and probably one of the harder things I've ever experienced in my life (which I'm grateful for). I can't imagine those who are married or together for years and then suffer this same fate.

 

But you know what, not every relationship is a failure. Yea, it didn't work out, so it sure wasn't a success. It taught me a lot of important lessons though, so I don't consider it a failure. It took me longer than I would have liked to get to this point in recovery, but time did what it does best -- propels you forward.

 

I came to realize time left the girl I thought I knew behind. Someone else took her place, probably the real her. We had a good run, and made some good memories. We were wildfire -- the most passionate relationship I've ever experienced. But what is sustainable about wildfire? On paper it didn't make sense what happened in the end, which factored into me trying to analyze and eventually self-blame. Problem is, relationships can't be measured on paper. Me, being analytical, kept wanting to try though.

 

She's now in a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. For awhile now apparently. I only recently discovered this by accident (didn't have the OM blocked on FB and he is in our work group and made a comment revealing it). Luckily he has since been fired. Phew. It took her less than 2 months to hop scotch into someone else's arms. For me, I'm dating a lovely girl veeery slowly, letting things flow naturally. I'm finally not allowing myself to get reeled into something I'm not ready for, and it feels great. I feel like I have grown, maybe hardened a bit, but that's for the better.

 

With all that being said, to anyone who discovers this thread and reads through my rollercoaster. Cheating sucks. It will change you, and you'll just have to embrace that fact. You'll wonder why it happened, but there isn't a good answer. We're complex beings, all of us capable of great betrayal for any number of "reasons", and trying to understand why you were betrayed is a rabbit hole. You'll wonder anyway, it's part of the process. The grieving process was longer for me in this relationship than my others. That's ok and normal. Let yourself grieve. Forgive yourself. Work on you. Do what you love, or at least try. One day you'll finally look back, maybe not fully repaired, but knowing you deserve so much better -- knowing people pick their path, and you deserve someone who picks the path with you in it. Reach out when you feel the need. Let it all out. Stay strong on that NC -- I can't stress that enough in cases like this. You can do this, and you'll be better for it.

 

Thanks for all the help. This is my last update post. It was a journey with many lows. I have learned so much. And for that, I've begun to look back in a weird sense of appreciation. I've been freed to experience something better. Thanks again everyone.

Edited January 18, 2017 by z1ggy